Am I being unreasonable?
Hi, been together 5 years, married 2 and SK's 26, 25 and 21. I have no bios. The kids lived abroad when I met DH, nowhere was it on the cards that they would come and live with us. Without discussion, SS21 (at the time) came to live in my house for 12 months (DH had moved in with me). DH and I had only been together for 12 months (massive shock to have another adult move in when we were still getting to know each other). BM wasn't able to cope with him and packed him off to us because CS had stopped. He had no job, no idea what he wanted to do, was loud, hyper, didn't pay towards anything. Unable to cope with him in my house, we supported him financially in a flat for a further 12 months (although he was earning more than me). The plan was for him to join the army (took 3 years) and I thought he would stand on his own feet. DH and I got married and now have a joint house (kids came on honeymoon with us, that's another story, I insisted on a second honeymoon). SS is now 25 and in the army....but STILL won't sort himself out with a property. He has 4 weeks leave at Easter, Summer, Christmas and every weekend off......and expects to come to our house, where he treats the place like a hotel. He does odd jobs around the house (so DH thinks he's amazing). SS only contacts me when he wants something. Otherwise, I don't exist. He wanted to stay for the whole of August. I negotiated down to one week. Even this is too long. I'm at the point where I can't stand having him in the house (but know I need to compromise). It's like a house guest who constantly overstays their welcome. He's staying for a week here and there with friends and other family. Soon they are going to get fed up and we will have him on every army leave. I'm already dreading Christmas. If we have to go out as a 'family', SS expects us to pay for him (he sits back when the bill arrives). He's with us at the moment and I'm working late, staying out of my OWN HOME until 10pm because I've reached the point where I can't bear to be with him. DH and I are constantly arguing, it's making us both ill. DH says he is stuck in the middle (true) and I'm always angry (true). We had counselling and we were told that DH and I had to make decisions together. DH agreed but doesn't do it. The kids tell us what's happening in our own home. SS is now talking about getting a house in 3 years (when his sister plans to move to this country, she will apparently live with him and pay him rent). THREE YEARS!! I can't bear this another week. If he lives nearby we will help him, DH can stay with him...we are not abandoning him. I can't ban him from the house (much as I want to) but this is severely affecting my marriage and mental health. He's an adult, am I being unreasonable in thinking he should stand on his own two feet? DH can see how upset I am but (at the end of the day) it's his son. There has to be a way for everyone to be happy? DH puts his head in the sand. At the moment I'm miserable and resentful. Any ideas how I tackle this?? If I had known the adult kids plans to move to this country it would have been a game-changer and I would not have got married. I would certainly not have bought a joint house.
Airbnb.
Airbnb.
You need to tell your husband that any longer than a 2 night stay.. and any more than 4 nights in a month is "too much". That his son has a salary.. and he can afford to book himself accomodations during his breaks. He should have zero problem doing that since he pays no rent or housing expense otherwise.
Now, I seem to recall that the guys in the military back in the day were able to stay in their housing.. even during breaks. I mean, it's ridiculous that the military would expect their people to pay for housing in addition.. when they would only use it a few months a year. So.. SS needs to be given limits on YOUR home.. If there are to be more days than 4 a month.. they can be negotiated.. and the cost per night will be 125 per night.. payable in advance.
Dad needs to encourage his son to use his breaks more productively anyway.. travel.. see the world. go out and be in the real world. He is doing nothing for him by letting him infantalize himself in your home.
He's not "stuck in the middle
He's not "stuck in the middle", he choosing to be in the middle instead of where he should be - standing next to his wife. Minor children need care from their parents, but this is a full-grown adult with a job who can find another place to stay.
This would be a deal breaker for me. Your DH obviously doesn't care about your needs or feelings.
You have a DH problem more
You have a DH problem more than an SS problem. Unilateral decisions about who stays in the house are totally unacceptable. That’s not what a partner does.
If your DH wants to live with his son more than you, perhaps they can stay somewhere together and you can have peace and quiet. Oh, and change the locks while DH is away.
I agree that he is not “stuck” in the middle. That’s an excuse for him to do nothing.
Agree!Anyone who "claims" he is "stuck in the middle" thinks
they are cleverly disguising the issue. Anyone who says this, does so to appear "helpless" and "powerless" over the issue at hand. Think about it; they just all of a sudden found themselves, "stuck in the middle."
My DH tried this, hoping for sympathy (I told him to call dial-a-prayer on this one, as I had no sympathy for what he created). I also told him, "You created this mess by talking about me, our marriage and our circumstances to your daughter, and then coming to me and putting on a devoted husband mask. In junior high we referred to this type of behavior as being "two faced." The problem with that is, eventually the truth will prevail, and when it did (or does if it hasn't yet for some of you), these "DH's" will most likely claim they are "stuck inthe middle." Oh, right. They never thought the word would come back to their wives, and when you paint yourself intot he corner, you need to have an exit strategy from the corner, and "I'm stuck in the middle" isn't working for me, so DH will need to pull a new rabbit out of the top hat.