Am I being harsh?
I posted a few months back that my jobless 29 year old, SD was pregnant. In a coversation, my wife discussed that the SD wanted to move back home. I called my SD and told her no way are you coming back to our home. Only for her to call her mom and cry about my decision. My wife talked to me and said she has to move back in for bullshit reasons. I relented and established boundaries and a time frame for SD to get her self together and get out. Since that time, I have not asked about the pregnancy, due date and the name of the child. My conversation with SD has consisted of hi and bye. My wife brought up the baby shower and I told her that I will not be attending, I will use that time to hang out with our children. My wife went on to say that she does not have any help with the planning of the shower and ask for my support. In which, I moved on to another subject. Am I being harsh??
Hardly!
First, it is incredibly tacky for the grandmother to host the shower. Can we say "gift grab?" Second, since when is it expected that men plan baby showers? I mean, if they want to then that is wonderful. But it is not exactly a shocker when they just give a blank look when asked about tea sandwiches and paper storks!
You are doing more than enough having your stepdaughter and her eventual baby move back in with you. The chances of getting them out without major chaos are about nil given that she is going to use the baby as serious blackmail material against your wife once the agreed upon timeframe comes up. Sorry but you have far bigger problems than a baby shower!
Am I being harsh
My SD is broke with broke friends. She is hoping that family rally around her mother and be willing to provide gifts because of the love they have for her. My wife is starting to realize that the SD is expecting her to be the mother/grandmother of the child. I have always supported my wife but on this situation, I will not do it.
Yikes!
Hopefully your wife will not let her daughter off the hook with being the real mother and will purposefully keep her emotional distance. If she does not you will NEVER get them out of the house. Your stepdaughter will play the "if you kick me out you will never see the baby again" and that will be that. It is a classic scenario. Your best bet is to get her out by any means necessary before your wife has a chance to seriously bond with the baby.
Nope, not too harsh, at all.
Nope, not too harsh, at all.
Not too harsh at all! Her
Not too harsh at all! Her moving in with you guys was wrong in the first place. Make her as uncomfortable as possible.
Your wife is taking you for
Your wife is taking you for granted, just expecting you to do something because she wants you to do it.
I never expect my DH to participate in an activity that I volunteer to take on. If he wants to help, great. If I NEED his help, then I consult him before I agree to do whatever the thing is. That's just plain good manners.
Nope, not harsh at all.
Nope, not harsh at all.
Sometimes, we have to treat spouses like kids and let them feel the pain of consequences.
Don't rescue you wife. It's tacky for family to host the shower anyway.
Help SD out of the house
Agree with the other posters who warn of possible manipulations by SD and holding DW hostage with the baby. You need to get SD out of the house now. Create physical distance between DW and the baby. You could 'help out' and find other living arrangements for SD. She should be able to get some type of public assistance until she gets her life together.
Today it seems as if etiquette has gone out the window. When a Grandmother gives a baby shower it really DOES appear to be a gift grab but if the 'friends' she is inviting are as poor as SD it might not accomplish much. It doesn't look like you are too fond of your SD and your DW probably knows it. What type of support does she want from you?
The only way to handle it is
The only way to handle it is to resist her moving in as long as possible, and then, when it's obvious it's a done deal, make your wife agree to an exit date. Put it in writing -- yes, I'm serious. Have both mom and SD sign the damn thing.
Your wife needs to know you're serious about her getting out. Remind her frequently of the impending exit date. When you mention it, mention that SD doesn't seem to be making an exit plan, "so you better get on her."
There will be more babies to follow. You must get on it now.
And no to the baby shower planning. You don't see it as a blessed event, so why fake it? Anyone can reproduce. Big deal.
Nope, you are not being too
Nope, you are not being too harsh at all.
From thenoutside looking in, you have a 29 year old, pregnant, non working SD = LOSER.
stick to your boundaries and don't let your DH or anyone con you into enabling lazy SD's behavior any further. This adult needs to get a job and support her baby and herself. Who do you think is going to get stuck with the hospital bills?
good luck
Does your wife want to be
Does your wife want to be mother and grandmother? Is father of the child in the picture at all? One condition of living there needs to be that SD will file for child support as soon as the baby is born. Dad needs to do his part to take care of the child he helped spawn.
She is 29 ys old.
No not being harsh...she is an adult...!
If nothing else works you should be helpful by driving SD into a public assistance office and helping her fill out the paper work( aka make sure she does not put your address as her perma address--its a legal thing!)
Good luck!( you are doing great keep it up!)
I want to thank everybody for
I want to thank everybody for their advice. It's funny, when I met my DW and SD. I was totally in my SD's corner. I felt my DW was being to hard on her. The reason for that my DW worked alot hours, which forced my SD to stay with her grandmother. My DW made up for the lost time with clothes, money and trips. The grandmother spoiled the SD and allowed her do nothing in her household. My DW counteracted this by being the super disciplinarian, which only pushed the SD further to the grandmother. My SD had said that her grandmother raised her not her mother. As time went on my SD became lazy, transferred from various colleges on her mothe's dime, still no degree, evicted from multiple apartments, fired/quit numerous jobs , until she finally gave up and moved into her grandmother's basement.
I realized over time that my SD is loser and my wife recognized it too. My wife never had to deal with the grown SD because she was not in our home. However, when the grandmother call complaining of SD's laziness that when my DW was force to confront the SD. However, we went on with our lives taking care of our children.
Everything has flipped since the pregnancy. My DW is hell bent on helping the SD. However, it is coming at my expense. My wife calls the pregnancy a mishap. I call it a grown ass woman choosing to have a baby, she can't take care of because she knows that her mother and grandmother will take care of her. The father of the child abandoned the SD once she told him of the pregnancy. My DW believes that the SD is going to wake up and become a responsible adult. I hope she becomes responsible but i knows it won't happen. I know some hard decisions will have to be made by me in the next year.
Check out my blogs to see
Check out my blogs to see what sh!t show, horror stories are coming your way. Your SD is definitely going to screw over you and your DW.
I love my Gskids and would do just about anything for them but just know it was never part of the plan to be where I am now.
re: Blunder
Wow, I read all of your blogs. Major Blunder, you are a good man. My SD is not a bad person. However, she is spolied and not the brightest. My SD is the perfect example, when you give a child everything and don't allow them to face the consquences of their actions. I told my DW today, i'm seeking counselling because the thought of her moving in preoccupying all of my thoughts when I'm alone. That shit is not normal. I told my DW, I will not be involve with SD and child in my household. I can't help someone, who is unwilling to help themselves. During the 1st month of the pregnancy SD lost her job, which she only had for one month. This job broke up her nearly 8 months of unemployment. However, after losing the job, she decided to take a 8 month vacation on her GM's recliner. She knew a baby was coming but there was no motivation to find job, to save money for diapers, clothes,etc. She is dependent on everyone else to get it for her.
The funny/sad thing when I told my DW that i'm not helping SD and her child. My DW said, I hope that we maintain our health, So that our kids won't need help from others and be denied the help. I chose not to respond to that bull. Because i'm not helping SD, my other kids will be haunted by my decision. My DW and her mother created this monster, it's on them to deal with the SD, not me.
"My DW said, I hope that we
"My DW said, I hope that we maintain our health, So that our kids won't need help from others and be denied the help." And what happens if YOU can't maintain your health? SD rushes in to take care of you. Right?!!!
Sorry for being sarcastic - I just couldn't resist!
Tell your bride that HELP
Tell your bride that HELP stands for Help Evict Loser Parents and it applies to her idiot daughter.
smh... unfortunately the HELP acronym also applies to your wife.
Take care of you.
Getting counseling is a great
Getting counseling is a great move on your part. I certainly hope that you can stay strong to your convictions about not helping SD, however just remember one thing, the child she carries is an innocent that didn’t ask for the life that is coming into. I’m not saying you have to do all that my DW and I have done for our GCs but just think about the little one, none of this train wreck is it’s fault.
I struggle with this topic.
I struggle with this topic. On one hand I am generally not supportive of the concept of boomerang adult children... on the other.... at some level I am a boomerang adult child. Probably an extreme example of a boomerang adult child since I am in my mid 50s.
Twice in our 14+ year marriage (make that 24+ year marriage. I fat fingered and lost a decade there) we have lived with my parents. The first time was for 4mos while we were selling our home and while our new home was being finished. The second time was for more than a year. We returned from oversease assignment and were between assignments. We primarily lived with my parents from Dec 16 until March of 18. This is what our family has always done. When one or more factions of the Rags clan is overseas whoever maintains a home in the US is the home base. The overseas elements use the US home base as their US home of record. Official documents go there, when in the States the Expats stay there, etc... When mom and dad were overseas usually my GP's home was the home of record and then our home became the US home of record. When my brother and his family and my family went overseas mom and dad's retirement home assumed the mantle of home of record.
They have a large home (6br 4ba) and we can all cram in for the holidays. That includes mom and dad, my family (3), my brother's family (5) plus the occassional GrandSpawn significant other (currently 2). It is an adventure but it works for us.
Even in our situation it is an ask process and if either my mom or my dad said no... the answer would be no and we would stay in a hotel. The right of veto in a marriage is inviolable IMHO. Either partner can veto without explanation. When it comes to boomerang adult children.... I think the inviolable nature of the veto is even more critical.
Please be careful
Like you, I am compassionate. We also had SD move in when pregnant. However, she took full advantage and basically laid on the couch. Set firm boundaries and set a move out date. Help her to learn how to help herself. If you don't now, you wil have her there forever. They learn how to be helpless. We are not doing them any favors by not showing them how to access resouerces.Our SD continues to be dependent on her parents and she is late 30's. She is even thinking of having aother baby--yes, as a single parent. I wish you the best.
Am I being harsh pt. 2
My SD has been in the hospital for two days as she wait to welcome her first child. My DW has stepped up and supported her by being by her bedside. At this point, my DW is tired as she split time between the hospital and home. It burns me, when my twins were born, my wife had to beg SD to help out because she was overwhelmed with caring for the twins and dealing with health issues. If it wasn't for others, we would have been up the creek. Now the SD who wasn't there need us to feed her, transport her and give her shelter. I can't do it and I won't do it. I must focus on my small children. I opened up my door to her for a year and that all I Can do. I realize, I'm not being harsh, I'm being real.
Stop! Karma time! SD is
Stop! Karma time! SD is going to get a dose of Karma in spades. As she has earned.
Your bride has two young children at home and does not have the bandwidth to be Mommy to her adult daughter and GrandMa to the toxic SD's crotch nugget.
It is sad that when toxic people shit on others that they are incapable of recognizing that they are shitting on themselves. SD crapped in her own nest, now she has to live in it. And no one should help her clean it out.
IMHO of course.