Adult Step-children who won't do anything
I’ve been married for a year and a half. My husband has 4 kids from a previous marriage. 3 of them still live with us. The two oldest kids are 22 and 18 years old. They don’t have jobs and they have no ambition to go out and do anything. The 18 year old dropped out of high school to pursue his GED but he won’t go the classes. His youngest is 16 and a mother to a toddler who also lives with us. She’s enrolled in online classes but is too lazy to be bothered with anything. I’ve been feeling a lot of anger toward my husband’s kids. They’re lazy, smoking, pathetic, high school dropouts who have no other desire than to sit around all day in a windowless room smoking, arguing, bumming money and cigarettes, and leaving a trail of filth wherever they go. I have talked and talked to my husband about it. He usually yells at them daily about helping out with chores and picking up their things but it’s not working. He’s had several long talks with them about getting jobs and helping out but they continue to do nothing. He is hesitating to throw them out which is the only thing that will work in my opinion. It’s gotten so bad that I’m throwing away anything that they leave laying around. Now I know that teenagers are generally messy but they leave EVERYTHING lying around plus the toddler’s toys and clothes are always scattered through the house. Maybe I’m being too harsh but I can’t live like this anymore. Every day when I come home it’s always some new drama or disaster. I want to be able to come home to a peaceful calming environment and my house, in which I feel I have no power, is chaotic, messy, and full of negativity. I’ve tried ignoring it but I can’t anymore. How do I reconcile this situation? I know he loves his kids but there comes a point when it’s time they stand on their own two feet and grow up, start their own lives. I’ve tried talking to him about setting up consequences for their inactions but he keeps letting them slide on everything. I know his has tremendous guilt over the effect his divorce had on his kids but his guilt is not doing his kids any good at all. It’s making everything worse. Maybe I was too naïve before we got married thinking it would get better somehow, obviously I was dumb for thinking this way. I’ve been thinking about telling my husband that the two oldest at least have to move out by the end of January 2017 or I feel like I have to move out. I’m losing sleep and having too much anxiety over it all to continue. I love my husband but I can’t live in this environment anymore. It's become too much.
I have to completely disagree
I have to completely disagree that your DH loves his kids. He most definately does not love them as evidenced by his actions or more accurately his lack of actions in getting them to launch.
It is time for these spawn to be gone from your home. NOW!!!!!!
If DH does not agree then you have to take action. Call a locksmith, rekey the locks and don't give any of them a key. As sad as it sounds the toddler needs to be taken from the mother and the mother needs to be gone with her two elder sibs. No more money, no roof, no food, no clothes. These kids need to be forced to launch and figure it out on their own.
If you and DH agree to raise the toddler together then you should petition the court for guardianship. If not... then the SD-16 needs to get into a single teen mom home and take responsibility for herself and her child. If she refuses, then the baby needs to go into the system where it will be cared for.
That your DH has forced this sitatuion on you rather than dealing with it indicates to me that though you may love him... by his actions I would say he does not love you. If he did, he would act far differently than he has.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
The point is action. It is
The point is action. It is better to retain possession of the home and get the toxic influences out. If it is a jointly held asset or if she owns it why shouldn't she change the locks?
It is not about the locks, it
It is not about the locks, it is about an action plan to launch the free loading uneducated adults. I think we all agree with Rags on that point, something needs to be done for the OP and it is not hers to do! Allowing your kids to be nothing, is not my definition of love either. It is just lazy, sorry parenting. You get what you expect from children; expect nothing, get nothing.
I have to agree with you,
I have to agree with you, HRNYC, on this one. Indiana does not recognize the house as the OP's property (especially after a mere 18months of marriage)if this is a home owned by her husband pre-married.
I don't suggest OP tries changing the locks. Toddlers don't become conceived and turn toddler in 18months either. So we can pretty well assume a now sixteen year old with a toddler was NOT a newsflash AFTER OP married and moved in. The unlaunched now 22yr old wasn't a 'surprise' 18months ago either.
I'm so sorry you married in
I'm so sorry you married in to this horrible situation. Chances are he will not make them leave. Especially the one with the toddler. Maybe you could try living separately until they have all launched?
Sadly only an ultimatum seems
Sadly only an ultimatum seems to be your option if your husband will not find a compromise that works with you. Just be prepared to follow through with the ultimatum as there is a strong possibility nothing will change. If you are not really ready or willing to move out then you need to find another way.
Thanks for all your comments
Thanks for all your comments and recommendations. It's true I noticed several red flags when I was dating my husband. I was blinded by love I suppose when I married him. When it's just the two of us everything is wonderful, we get along so well, and we have a lot fun together. My only complaint about him is his lack of discipline. I wish he would put his foot down once and for all. I didn't think that his kids would end up in these situations. I know he wishes they would leave as well but just wishing won't do anything. I'm trying to get him to make an action plan with me to launch the older two kids that will work like no more privileges, no TV, no phones, no more extras etc.
I agree that an ultimatum and
I agree that an ultimatum and progressive plan would be a waste of time. Rather than move... I prefer the rekey the locks method. That maintains far more leverage than moving out.
When my XW chose to divorce me she was the one who moved out of the house we purchased together 3 mos before. That kept me in primary control even 4 years later. When we were in court the Judge ruled in agreement with our uncontested property distribution which stated that property was to be divided as possessed. Since she moved out and I stayed in the home it was mine. Though she did retain an ownership position as the mortgage was in both of our names it was my house to do with as I chose with the exception of selling it which required her signature.
She moved back into the home a year after the divorce when the tennant/buyer we sold it to on a non qualifying mortgage assumption following a 6mo lease backed out .
Sinced the divorce was final and I was in possession at the time of the divorce it was my house. She did want to sell it after living in it for 3yrs rent free and after some toxic crap from her I did sign the house over to her but not until her geriatric Fortune 500 sugar/baby daddy wrote me a big check for most of the equity in the house. I got enough to pay off my school loans from Engineering school.
So, I recommend that the OP not leave the home if she can legally retain possession.
I do understand the
I do understand the difference. If he wants a key, he can be her husband and purge his toxic adult children from the home. I find that to be a simple concept to understand. If he chooses to not accept the conditions for getting a key then that is his choice.
LORDY LORDY please ask
LORDY LORDY please ask yourself what you want for YOUR life in 5 years. Is this how you pictured it?
Hey some family dynamics are like this. Teens get pregnant, Granny/Granpa take them in, raise the kids--adult kids live inside the home 1/2 of their lives, no jobs or mediocre jobs.
In my opinion this father is doing a great did-service to his kids. Doubt it will change. What your seeing is more likely a generational habit.
When you decide to tell DH the end of Jan, be ready to stick to it. OK...Best wishes.
Question where is the BM of your husbands kids....did she pass away?
You might try to approach
You might try to approach this from what YOU need to be happy. Don't criticize his (lack of) parenting or the behavior of his kids. He will just get defensive or shut down.
Think about YOU. Make some boundaries for yourself. Example: When you come home from work and the house is a mess, you will expect him to pick up or get his kids to pick up. You won't tolerate any yelling and screaming about it, so you will be out getting a mani/pedi, whatever. If you come home and it's still not done, well, treat yourself to the local hotel. While I know that gets expensive, you will make your point.
If your DH doesn't step up when he sees you are serious and are taking care of yourself, then you have your answer. Pleasing his kids will always be more important than pleasing you. And that would be a deal breaker for me.
Best thing that ever happened
Best thing that ever happened to me was when I wasn't allowed to stay at home any longer. I bounced around and lived on couches and in shelters, which motivated me enough to get away from drugs and being lazy. That behavior will never go away as long as there is a free ride in place. It may make them mad, but they'll come around and probably will be thankful.
I would simply stop buying
I would simply stop buying groceries, never give them money to smoke, if they ask they will hear - find a job...
I will lock all my valuables up, cut the wifi and cable - there must me nothing for them to do... they are not using it anyway.... and if this does not help, I will find my own place and move out