adult sk and money
Good afternoon,
I am new on here. I am not married yet. Originally our wedding date was set for this October. It got pushed back because both of our mothers have had medical issues and been in and out of the hospital. I am also second guessing because of his adult children. Let me start by saying they are young adults and my problem is not with them directly. Anything they do and get away with is because he allows it. I know they will all continue to grow and things won't always be this way, but getting there is hard. I have a problem with the amount of money he is constantly giving them. But the money is not to make sure their bills are paid (they all still live with their mother), or sometimes it is because they aren't responsible in other areas. Usually he is giving them money to pay tickets or to cover repair costs for accidents. That is my problem. I think if he keeps bailing them out, they will keep getting in trouble. I think they should go to the courthouse and make payment arrangements for tickets. I think he should stop talking to insurance agents and other vehicle owners. I think this is part of teaching them responsibility. I think he should definitely guide them especially since they are still young, but just rescuing them all the time isn't going to work. That is obvious by the amount of accidents ss19 has been in and his behavior following them. sd 21 also had an accident. She got a ticket, then asked him to pay the car insurance so she could pay the ticket. I think she should have paid the car insurance and worked out payment arrangements on the ticket. I'm not asking him to let them drown, but I do want them to be responsible. He's not requiring that at all. If my daughter25 got a ticket, she would pay for it. Even when she got one at 17, I accompanied her to the courthouse and she made payment arrangements. Of course, then, I still had to help her pay, but I haven't since then. I also didn't think his 21 year old daughters needed a bounce house for their birthday party. They don't have children. We paid for the bounce house, for all the groceries for the party $250 and then the insurance so she could pay the ticket $230. I also should say none of his kids are in school. They all work or had jobs and quit them.
and that all happened in the
and that all happened in the same week. Meanwhile, our electric bill and homeowners insurance for the home we share went unpaid. If something happened to our home, insurance wouldn't pay, then the both of us, my two boys living at home, 22 developmentally delayed and 7 year old, and my mother would be without a place to live. I can't have that especially since all the money he is giving comes from a business we run together.
Run!
Run!
I agree with running from
I agree with running from that situation!
However...there is a small part of me that would really enjoy having a bounce house for my birthday party. I bet when I was in college we would have had a blast with one of those.
lol!
lol!
I know they will all continue
I know they will all continue to grow and things won't always be this way
Remember, there is the possibility that you are wrong about them growing. If he doesn't make them grow up and be responsible, they may not do it on their own. Why would they, when they are handed everything?
I've already witnessed
I've already witnessed changes in his son. His other daughter is very respectful and doesn't ask for anything. She doesn't get tickets, she's careful with her money and respects her mother trying to take care of all 3 of them. SO complains constantly that the other two are continuously asking for money. He sees it, he just doesn't like anyone telling him what he is doing is wrong and it stems from his guilt. Theirs was an extremely ugly divorce. He had custody, but then lost his job. When he got a new job in a different state, he left the kids with her, then her attorney went and refiled for custody and child support claiming abandonment. He does feel guilty for moving even though he moved back almost immediately following that action. He can't get over his guilt so his "princess" plays it up. He knows how I feel, I wrote him a long letter, he read it, said we will talk about things and things will change, but as soon as I tried to bring it up this morning while we were on a road trip to pick up his son, he turned around and brought me home. I told him not to bother coming back tonight and I will pack his stuff because I am not going to have a marriage like this. He called me selfish. To me this isn't selfish. The adult couple in the household is responsible for showing children, young or adult, how a relationship is supposed to work. I always have been giving of my time and money. I don't mind that he's generous at all, but I am not going to put everything I have on the line if he's not wiling to compromise. We started a business together, but of course, that takes time and effort to become profitable so I went back to work while he kept running the business, but that was only a temporary job. It ended June 3. The following week, I was sick and his mother was in a rehabilitation center. The following week, my mother was hospitalized, then this argument today. I love him with everything, but I can't live with this uncertainty. I guess I am out all I invested in the business. I also want him to pay off one of my cc's we used to buy supplies for the business. I did so much for him this past year, and I am accused of being selfish because I finally tell him I am not getting my needs met in our relationship. I don't think he truly knows how to have one since both of his parents were terrible at it.
My first response was just to
My first response was just to post RUN! I truly get why people are telling you to do that. This will be a constant thorn in your marriage and the likelihood of it changing is very slim and if it does it is going to be a battle filled with anger and resentment that both of you may or may not get over.
Your DH sounds exactly like my DH. I did not know of the funds his kid borrowed and did not pay back until we were married, or the $30K of debt my DH hid from me, most of it was because of skid. Myself I had to debt and substantial savings. When we were married we combined finances expect any pre-marital assets, he had a car (Mustang) and a motorcycle free and clear of loans, no savings and hidden debt , I had a Infiniti SUV, Corvette, motorcycle and $450K of savings.
2 weeks into the marriage I found all this debt of his, I was mad. He never disclosed it to me. Looking through it, it was mostly his adult kid. Buying him this or that, vehicles, giving money, apple computers, etc. We had a talk on how to repay the debt he agreed and he was put on a budget, it was not even a hard budget. But every time his kid needs something or to be bailed out he is there doing it.
All of it landed us in counselling this April. I gave him credit that at least since November his kid was paying his own rent, car insurance funds were coming out of skid's bank account and same for his cell phone. DH made big progress. When skid would borrow money he would pay it back (mostly). Those were big changes.
His kid wanted to move but had to money and wanted to save him again. We already gave him first months rent and security deposit when he was kicked out of our house for rude behaviour and drugs and my opinion is that skid needed to save DH agreed.
2 months later and DH is resorting back to saving his son. Insurance was cancelled, don't worry I will save you. You don't like where you are living, offers to pay first months rent and security deposit again. More resentment and fights.
All I am saying is you have a never ending battle ahead of you if you decided to get married and be with him. Think hard about it. I truly love my husband however I would have to rethink it for my own sanity knowing what I know now.
It's just so sad and
It's just so sad and heartbreaking because you have to do what you don't want to do. I wish he'd just take my concerns seriously, realize that they are soon going to move on with their own lives, and then he will be alone. Unless he finds a girl who just willingly follows along with his every whim without a mind of her own, but hey some men get off on that.
Maybe...BIG MAYBE...your
Maybe...BIG MAYBE...your leaving will motivate him to make changes and it will work out. I wouldn't bet on it...they can be so blind. But then, I suppose we can too.
Why do I think the children
Why do I think the children still have a chance to change? Basic physiology, growth, and development. The brain doesn't stop developing until a person is about 25 years old. The last part to fully develop is that part that has to do with "seeing the big picture". The part that has to do with how we see ourselves and others. The part that makes young adults stay somewhat selfish until they grow older. If a child has a positive environment to develop, they will out grow this. It's why even 23 and 24-year olds make huge mistakes but straighten up by the time they're 27 or 28. But all of that depends on him. That is why this is his fault and I told him this morning he had to leave. In fact, every time we read all these posts about the behavior of skids, it is because the biological parent is separating the families and making them "child-centered" instead of centered around the "adult" couple. This is what I couldn't get him to see. I put restrictions on my children and how they are allowed to talk to him. My daughter25 stayed away for a while. She thought I moved on too quickly when her father suddenly decided he didn't want to be married after 24 1/2 years, and she thinks SO had something to do with it, even though he didn't. I told her he wasn't going anywhere and she needed to accept it and show respect to the person I have chosen to live my life with. I didn't let her attitude interfere with our relationship, and actually, my relationships with his children are actually ok. I am closer to one than the other two. But when we are together we have a good time. He trying to compensate for his past mistakes with them, and I won't let him do it at my expense. It is his behavior that is the problem. It's his behavior I will not live with.