Adult SD on the hot mess express
I may as well just dive right in full force! When i first got with DH the SD was 15. She is about to be 21. She lived with us up unitl about 15 months ago, after we had to kick her out for repeatedly breaking house rules. We have 3 sons that are young and impressionable, and she was breaking curfew, never cleaning (to the point where there was a gnat infestation because she was hiding old food in her room), and doing drugs. She is a pathological liar and cannot keep her own stories straight.
Anyways i got to know her and was trying to help her before all this went down. DH told her she could live here after she turned 18 as long as she A) followed our rules and 
was in college or trade school, or had a full time job and was attempting to save money. She did none of this. It was a struggle for DH because she has been a "problem child" and he has tried for at least 10 years to get her to do therapy or whatever he possibly could do to help. She is not his bio daughter- he adopted her when she was a year old.
ANYWAYS we told her she had to go, and so she moved in with her boyfriend and his parents, and then just her boyfriend (who, incidentally, was her best friend's boyfriend before he cheated on her with SD). Of course she got pregnant. she never once attempted to get a job during this entire 15 months since we kicked her out. She gets money from stimulus and the government and spends it on who the heck knows. she doesn't pay her car insurance, constantly is crying to her dad about money, but does NOTHING to be financially independent.
in the past 3 months she has broken up and gotten back together with her baby's dad 5 times. every time calling the cops, and no charges have been pressed because the police say there is no evidence of any of the claims she is making against this guy. the last time this happened (a week ago) Child Services got invoved and told her if she didnt immediately check herself into a residential program at an abuse center they would put her baby into temporary foster care.
My immediate issue is that DH will not stop doing things for her, bailing her out of situations she has put herself in. I think she needs to stop being a victim and take the consequences of her own actions. I dont think she ever will if DH keeps enabling this behavior.
Well, this is a tough one for
Well, this is a tough one for your DH because it's his kid and he want to "help" her. The problem is, you said that she has been a problem child and that he has tried to help her for the last 10 years, so now, it really is just enabling. And to make matters more heart wrenching for your DH, she has brought an innocent child into the mix.
But, he's going to have to let her fail. She has to get the message that SHE has to do better, for herself and her child. He needs to let her face the consequences. She needs to comply with what Child Services demands or temporarily lose her child. Who will take care of the baby if she goes to the residential program?
Your DH bailing her out is not helping her become an independent, productive person and mother. He is actually doing more harm.
Not to mention what his enabling will do to your marriage.
That's the point i keep
That's the point i keep trying to make. How can he expect her to change or take responsibility for any of her actions if he just keeps bailing her out every time? I love my DH. He is an incredible dad to all of our other kids, he just has this weak spot for her that i will never understand.
My concern now is if she fails to meet child services
Demands and loses custody of her kid, is your husband/partner gonna be guilted into taking it meaning it's expected you take responsibility for this kid?
what if the baby's dad doesn't want the baby, or his family or you partner's exwife etc. You need to have that talk now and not end up with a situation where your hubby makes an executive decision to take custody of the baby and bring it home one day and expect you to raise and care for it..
custody
well luckily he says in no uncertain terms will we be raising the grandchild. The baby's dad i think would care for the baby, but according to her, she didn't put his name on the birth certificate and so legally he has no claims or responsibility for this kid.
That can be remedied with a
That can be remedied with a DNA test. The state would rather know who the father is so that the kid can be his responsibility, instead of theirs.
Hopefully your husband sticks to it and isn’t guilted or
Pressured into taking this baby when the sd starts her sob story and manipulative bs calling him and you horrible grandparents and stepgrandparents whilst being hypocritically a horrible bio parent herself
She is an adult. Your DH and his resources should be focused
on your young joint children.
He needs clarity and if that means you have to put your foot up his ass, so be it.
Not one penny of your marital resources goes to this failed family progeny. Adopted or not, she is an adult and she needs to own her shit. Lock, stock, and barrel.
Her kid is better off in the system than with this shitty mother. The kid should be with the father. You and your DH can stand up for the dad to get custody. I would if I were in that situation as a father or SParent.
Your focus and that of your DH must be your own young children. The toxic Skidult has to be left to rot on the vine of her own crappy choices.
IMHO of course.
thank you! this is echoing my
thank you! this is echoing my exact feelings.
With new stimulus money
With new stimulus money coming for families with kids she'll probably do the bare minimum to hang onto custody until the money train stops.
I think such a lot of these
I think such a lot of these situations come down to one thing. Tough Bloody Love. Let them fend for themselves. As a parent you want to be there for them and help them, but sometimes enough is enough and kids, adults won't learn unless they face hard consequences.
WOW!
Thats a tough situation for you to be in. And that poor little baby!!!! As someone who wanted children who cannot have them, it really and truly sucks to read this.
You need to be extremely firm with your dH - he is NOT doing his daughter ANY favors whatsoever. He is enabling her very bad behavior and telling her its ok. Without repercussions she will remain in this cycle.
I have SD22, Feral Forger. No job, not working, no drivers license and no college. Enabled to be disabled by the mother. Shes learned to be a taker. And thats all she does in this life and I dont see any changes. This is exactly like your SD (she probs has at least a drivers license!) and it doesnt get better unless something extreme happens to change thing.
This is squarely on your DH.