Adult, pregnant SD. what to do?
Long story short, my 20yo pregnant SD demanded we move 200 miles from home to take care of her. She doesnt work, and no reason she wouldnt come to us, except she said no. 3 months in, she is 8 months pregnant and mentally abuses my wofe daily. I am continually told it doesn't concern me and I have no right to say anything. Tonight, I came home from work and my wife is hysterically crying. Of course, I knew what was wrong. I made a comment that my SD needs to go. After a long heated discussion, I am wrong, I have no right to say anything, and her daughter will always be her #1 priority. I could go on, but it doesn't matter
So, why am I always the bad guy? I guess I should have been more supportive, but this keeps going on and on... I pay half the bills, SD refuses to work and wont even help around house, so why doesn't it concern me?
Did you actually move 200
Did you actually move 200 miles away to her? Both changing jobs and leaving your home? Seriously, why?
Because I was told she was
Because I was told she was moving and if I wanted to be with her, so would I.
Dispite what your wife has
Dispite what your wife has convinced you of, this is utterly rediculous.
Do You Want To Get Married? LOL
My DH does't think anything is my busiiness either when it comes to his adult offspring.
Of course I'm kidding with my title line.
She raised this dysfunctional mess, and they have been functioning in dysfunction for so long, they do not know what normal is, but you do. My encouragement is for you to keep your normal and go find your normal equivalent.
You are fighting a battle you cannot ever win, ever.
Please think this through logically. Do not involve your emtions and visit with a close buddy. Bounce it off him, and see what conclusion he reaches.
You don't deserve to be last in you marriage. None of us signed up for that, but here we are.
Excellent advise for all: "My
Excellent advise for all: "My encouragement is for you to keep your normal and go find your normal equivalent." If you don't drink, don't hook up with someone who does. If you don't party, party, party, don't hook up with someone who does. If you don't dance, don't hook up with someone who does. AND, if you don't have children, don't hook up with someone who does.
I know a lot of people think someone who poos-poos someone just because they have kids is being judgemental, but the reality is: Someone else's kids are a big unknown, and you are not being judgemental just for saying you don't want to even go there. Sure, someone may drink and be able to handle it. Someone may like to party all the time and still be an OK partner, and so on. But, just like you have the right to say, "I don't want to be around someone who drinks," or "I don't want to be partying all the time" or dealing with a partner who does, you have the right to say, "I don't want to date anyone with children." You are not being judgemental. You are looking out for yourself. You are, as MissTexas says so well above, "Keeping your normal and looking for your equivalent." Nothing wrong with that.
And, the fact that you picked up and moved just because of SD, and then your SO has the odacity to imply that she and her SD get to do whatever they want and you have no say--you are expected to pick up and tow along, literally--means that you, like many bio-less SMs or step-dads, don't really have the experience to know what you should and should not put up with. This makes you easy prey for being taken advantage of by your spouse or SO. If they so want, and some do, they can whip out the For-the-kids or Kids-first card to get whatever they want, while you are left sucking it up and taking it every time. You are to be a partner to your partner and not a servant, one whom wants and needs don't really matter or fall to the bottom of the barrel pretty much every time.
This is definitely something you should have put a cap on a while back.
So sd was irresponsible, had an oopsies moment
spread open her legs and got pregnant, now other people have to take care of her and this child. She has not and will not learn to be responsible.
I have wondered sometimes what would happen if one of my sd’s fell pregnant and demanded hubby take them in our home, it would be a hell no from me.
hubby is saying you can get knocked up and don’t worry you don’t have to take responsibility because someone else will. Then our household finances are going to support an adult and baby we should not be responsible for.
if hubby were to tell me we shouldn’t have more kids but yet was willing to financially care for sd and her child, i’d be out the door
I am at my breaking point.
I am at my breaking point. These kids dont care about her at all, they just use her. The financial and mental stress of this move has crippled us, but if I get upset, I am selfish. I do have a temper, and get mad easily, but come on. I uprooted my entire life for this person who lies around and demands to be waited on hand and foot. She continually holds the unborn baby over my wife's head any time she doesnt get her way.
You realise you are nothing but an atm for these effwits right?
thats not a marriage or relationship i’d be in... leave your partner to deal with this mess financially on her own. She can call you all kinds if nasties but you didn’t get pregnant, her daughter did and they all expect your finances to cover their eff ups.
People with half a brain will see though their bitching that they have no leg to stand on. You are the scape goat and you are their manipulative toy. This relationship isn’t worth it and with how you are treated by all of them, I cannot imagine there would be much sexual chemistry or motivation to make this relationship work.
if you stay, you will be used financially but these people will not take care of you in old age so why bother spending on them
heck when we were holidaying in my country last year hubby all of a sudden would put things on the counter like handbags etc for his daughters for me to pay.
i told him this was not my responsibility to pay for. Hubby thought if he forced me that way that he could use the excuse your stepmum bought it. I told him i will not financially be ysed by his kids ever.
They’re disrespectful, rude and the most horrible people to be arounf
This is an emotionally abusive relationship & it seems you've
been doing all the giving and sacrificing.
If you think you've seen hell, just wait until the little bundle of joy makes its debut. You will no longer even be in the backseat, or the bumper for that matter. You'll be roadkill.
Presumably you are in your 40's or 50's with lots of life to live. You can't call what your doing living, but merely existing in misery from one day to the next.
Again, my friend, soul search it with a buddy and make a list of pros and cons. I'm sure the latter will require another sheet of paper.
Love yourself enough to purge your life of these parasitic bottom of the barrel scrapings.
Roadkill! LOL
Miss Texas, that sounds so ... Texan! Love it.
Thank you. I speak the truth and call it like I see it, I call
it channeling my "Inner Favorite Aunt." She would always start with, "Well, this ain't no bakery, and I don't sugar coat NOTHIIN', so here I go..." If you asked her opinion about something.
She also said, "When they made me, they not only had to break the mold, they had to shoot the mold maker, burn the plans because there just ain't gonna me no more of this!" Man, was she ever right about that!
Reminds me of one of the posters here who’s idiot
Husband took broke sd for grocery shopping because she had 5cents to live off for the week or fortnight and he bought t-bone steaks (premium cuts) red bull etc. poster here deducted was it 10x what he spent which was several hundred. Broke grown ass sd claimed it was for the kid.. oh you know its for theeeee kiiiiiiidddd
Why do you stay when you're
Why do you stay when you're not at all a priority to your spouse?
Buh-bye should have been the
Buh-bye should have been the response to this breeder baby move demand bullshit.
smh
You just gave up your man card permanently and subjugated yourself and your marriage to this useless POS SD for the rest of your marriage. That your wife made this ultimatum makes both of them a collective write off. That poor baby is doomed to join this shallow and polluted maternal gene pool.
You really need to get out.
You really need to get out. Your wife is not married to you. She is married to her adult kids. You have NO SAY in what goes on. Your wife and her real partner (stepdaughter) make all the decisions. Your role in the whole mess is to finance it.
I really am sorry you are going through this. You make major sacrifices and it is not appreciated. It is expected.
It’s quite often a mistake to
It’s quite often a mistake to help pregnant/single parent offspring too much. They will never learn to look after themselves. In general, don’t let them live with you. Set boundaries with help and finances. Grandparents could offer babysitting once or twice a month ( or whatever everyone agrees is fair), and set financial boundaries such as I am not going to give you money, but I will buy you food basics each month such as bulk buy rice, noodles, chicken, potatoes etc so they don’t go without food.
Your partner is not listening to you. You may want to move out for a while and let your partner ‘ support her and offspring’ until she sees that it wasn’t a good idea.
Yep.
Yep.
My parents have good friends like this. The wife is basically the maid, baby sitter, chef and beck and call girl for their daughter. They are in their mid to late 70s and mommy gets up every AM at the butt crack of dawn, walks the block or so down the street, cooks breakfast for the daughter and her family, gets the kids ready for school, puts them on the bus, goes and cleans the daughters home and is there when the kids get off of the bus.
On a number of RV trips that my parents have gone on with these friends the phone rings and the wife tells the husband to hook up the RV they are going home and if he balks she buys a plane ticket to run home and cater to her daughter and her daughters family.
If my brother or I ever even thought of putting that kind of crap on mom she would chew us up and spit us out. And that would be after dad had beaten clarity into our craniums. Figuratively of course.
OP needs to cut off all financial support for his wife and her spawn, move out, and see how broke, cold and starving works to give his bride and her toxic spawn clarity. If she does not gain clarity, he needs to leave her broke, cold and starving and move on with his life.
IMHO of course.
I quoted Chump Lady on someone else blog here recently but it
applies to you too. Go find a real monkey instead of a barbed wire monkey.
I use the analogy here a lot of the Barbed Wire Monkey. Did you know bad monkey love was a famous scientific study?
This scientist, Harry Harlow, studied primate bonding by putting baby monkeys in a cage with their real monkey mommies and other baby monkeys in a cage with barbed wire mommy substitutes, which were wrapped in a thin veneer of terry cloth.
The babies with the barbed wire mommies tried to bond with that thing.
I’ve used this as an analogy as to why we keep cheaters.
Even though they get pricked and are bleeding and the entire experience sucks, inside their little baby monkey brains, they must be thinking… something better than this exists. But they haven’t experienced it. So they cling hard to the barbed wire monkey. Of course, the babies with the REAL mommies are thriving.
Moral of the story? Step out of the cage and go find some REAL monkeys to bond with. It’s scary to leave the barbed wire monkey — but if you find the courage to do it, you’ll experience true monkeys. You don’t know what you’ve been missing."
Maybe she isn't cheating on you but you are definitely not a priority.
In hopes that this sinks in
Ill repeat what the others are telling you:
1. Your wife is not making you and your relationship her priority. Why are you supporting that?
2. Your SD needs to get off momas boob. If shes old enough to have babies shes old enough to do for herself. Do something around the house. Help out. Get a job.
3. Your wife and SD are using you as ATM. I dont see a lot of love for you in the equation:
Mom+SD+baby=family of 3
Her daughter will always be
Her daughter will always be her #1 priority. Well, there it is. What else do you need to know? If you are ok with it, stay. If not, move on.