Dear Prudence,

Several years ago my widowed mother moved across the country to be nearer to me and my family. She was in her early 70s, and subsequently fell in love with a wonderful widower around her age and they married. To their surprise, his grown children began to exclude him from their family plans soon after the ceremony. It’s been over nine years and he no longer gets invited to celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter with them. His grandchildren have been pressured to not see him. What’s confusing is that my mother’s husband and first wife were amazing parents who raised their own children and several orphaned relatives. All these siblings and cousins get together regularly, but leave their father and my mother out of their plans. The father and my mother have reached out many times, but his children said they want a relationship with only him, not both of them. I have tried to bring the families together, but was told not to get involved. One of his relatives confided to us that toward the end of his first wife’s illness she had instructed her oldest daughter to take care of her father after she died, so now his family feels my mother has made it impossible to honor their mother’s wishes. The stress has caused both my mother and her husband to be hospitalized several times. They remain committed to each other but recently told us that they have decided to move on and share their elder years only with our family. Is there anything else that can be done to repair this rift? When is it OK to stop trying?

—Saddened and Confused

Dear Saddened,
There are families who continue to get together for the holidays even after members have committed assaults, embezzlements, sexual improprieties, and general outrageousness against each other. Either there’s some part of this story that’s being left out, or your mother’s husband’s children are a bunch of cruel, heartless ingrates. Grown children generally are thrilled if a lonely, elderly parent finds love and companionship and does not need their constant attention. (The objections tend to be about a newcomer threatening a potential inheritance.) Even if they resent the arrival of a replacement, they are supposed to pull themselves together and welcome the new spouse, not alienate their parent from all his loved ones. I’d say after nine years not only is it OK to stop trying, it’s necessary. These are two old people who have been hospitalized for the stress this situation has caused them. You should reassure them that you respect their decision and are delighted they will be able to spend the holidays with you. Make sure your children treat your mother’s husband as if he is their grandfather. The poor man will go to his grave with a wounded heart. But when he’s at your Thanksgiving table, let’s hope he feels thankful to be part of your family.

—Prudie

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/11/dear_prudence_m...