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Bm vs a perfectly nice SM.. on Dear Prudie

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Submitted by Pilgrim Soul on Tue, 02/12/2013 - 2:59pm

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I love reading Dear Prudence on Slate and this Q and A for some reason really hit home with me today. She does not say anything very radical here, but the last sentence is just pure gold.

To extrapolate, it is ok to feel what we all feel all the time - mixed emotions, jealousy, resentment, frustration, anger. Those feelings are normal, we all have had them. It is good to acknowledge them. It is NOT ok though to act on them, esp. if acting on them
ruins the relationships our children are forming. Good job, Prudie!

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/02/dear_prudie_my_...

Q. Ex-Husband Makes Good: My ex-husband has remarried and has started a new family. When we were married he was moody, drank too much, and sometimes got so angry he would break things. Now he is a prince to his new wife, who happens to be younger. He also helps out a lot more with their kids than he ever did with ours. Our own teenagers have noted how much more involved their dad is with his new kids. It sounds bitter and silly to resent my ex's new wife and her kids because they get the end result of what I tolerated for years, but I cannot help but be jealous. How do I overcome these feelings of resentment to an admittedly very nice woman?

A: I totally understand that you resent that your moody drunk has turned into a helpful prince. And of course your children feel they got shafted. But the good news is that he is still their father and they have a chance to make a better relationship with him. It doesn't undo his past behavior, but it is a lesson for them that people can change and things can be healed. It might help you if you encouraged your children to nurture their relationships with their improved father and new half siblings. You acknowledge his new wife is lovely, so recognize having good people in their lives is a benefit for your kids, especially since they suffered from early turmoil. Instead of trying to extinguish your resentment, accept that it's normal you feel this way, but you will not let it rule you nor interfere with how your kids relate to your ex.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 02/12/2013 - 3:34pm

I agree with this. And I'd also encourage this BM's kids to talk with their dad and let him know what they're feeling so he can address those feelings and they can try to work through those past issues together. Those issues and feelings should be addressed. This is a great opportunity for Mom and Dad to teach them that it is normal and human for them to feel resentment and jealousy, but successful, happy people do not let those feelings dictate how they treat other people, including those they feel resentment/jealousy towards.

And I think this is a good opportunity for dad to let them know that if he didn't love them as much as he loves the other kids, he wouldn't be trying to make things better with them.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Tue, 02/12/2013 - 10:34pm

Ah, yes, I bet you crazy witch would say the same...Well, it's not like the rest of us haven't put up with PLENTY of crap because of THEIR divorce anyway...so it is what it is. Siblings from a second marriage usually end up with the short end of the stick financially anyway...so, well, it is what it is.

I know in our home my kiddo ended up with a better role model (at least most of the time lol), but a LOT less financially secure.

PS - maybe if they didn't marry at 18 and get preggo as soon as they could to keep a man, things would have been differently

AliceP's picture

Submitted by AliceP on Wed, 02/13/2013 - 12:23am

I carry this guilt as the SP that got the older wiser version of the silly kid BM married because they got pregnant.

godess-clueless's picture

Submitted by godess-clueless on Wed, 02/13/2013 - 7:01am

Yes , people do change. The pot smoking , alcoholic that may have failed miserably at being a husband and father to the first family changed. Many times these childish , self centered younger people grow up. Many times it has much to do with the person they are presently with.

Feeling jealousy toward a parent that did not do such a great job raising the first family and is lacking in closeness IS understandable. In stead of continued jealousy, be thankful that this parent has become a different person.

The past can not be changed. There are too many times that I have seen my own DH reach out to his children and grandchildren yet never see any effort on their part to connect. If the children are too busy living in their own past hurts and disapointments then they will never see that the door has been opened for a better relationship with the parent.