49 year old step daughter
I have a 49 year old step daughter that was born out of wedlock. She was raised by her mother and came into her dads life after she became an adult. We have been married 18 years and I am 14 years younger than my husband. he has 2 grown sons from his marriage and we get along fine. This stepdaughter came back into her dads life after we were married. She wants and gets an exclusive relationship from her dad. She does not have a relationship with anyone else in the family. He gets private calls, emails, and visits her privately. She is not and has not ever been married. She does not want me in her life, only her dad. Everytime she comes up, my husband is defensive of his daughter and continues his exclusive relationship. I am to the point where it is her or me. I have tried to be a part of her life and she insists she needs daddy time. He still helps her financially.
Help, I hate her and am beginning to hate her dad? Am I crazy? I have prayed hard on what God wants me to do with this relationship. He takes her places that I have requested to do with my husband but he does them with her, not me.
The relationship he has with her is an adult relationship. He did not know her as a child. I am jealous and hurt and any help would be appreciated
Thank you
You actually have two
You actually have two distinct issues here, and they are NOT related even though it seems like they are. One is how your DH treats his daughter. The other is how he treats YOU.
You seem to think that if your DH includes you in his relationship with his daughter that he will somehow treat you better. Not true. Read some posts from other smoms of adult daughters - there are a whole bunch who insist that their DH see his kids WITHOUT her because they don't like how they're treated when they're together.
The root of your problem is how your DH is treating YOU, and there I think you must demand better treatment. You ask to go somewhere with him and he... goes with someone else? ANYone else??? Not. Cool. OF COURSE you're jealous and angry - but it's got nothing to do with the SD, this is ALL about your DH. If he valued you - and showed it - you wouldn't be jealous and angry and I bet you'd be perfectly pleased if he saw his daughter without you there. Why would you want to hang out with her anyway if she's not so nice to you?!?
You and DH need counseling, I think, if your marriage is going to work.
"I also tried to get my DH's
"I also tried to get my DH's attention; he always put me second. I have 35 years invested and refuse to walk away; I am taking care of "me" also."
With all due respect Skeeter, this is your lot in life and you have accepted it. The OP does not want to and wants her needs heard too.
Life is too short to have to tolerate being treated second all your married life then to have it rubbed in your face with a flashlight given to you for your birthday (ss much as the posts were humorous -to make you feel better), I would be super pissed. Perhaps this is the straw that breaks the camels back?? Who knows... but I left my marriage of 24 years because I felt unappreciated too. Everyone has choices and you DONT have to accept being treated second to his kids.
IMHO
^^^Exactly
^^^Exactly
What Echo touched on, I
What Echo touched on, I think, is a phenomena I've heard of- fathers and grown daughters who "find" each other later on, or didn't spend a lot of time together while the daughter was growing up, tend to act like "couples" I know- ICK- but there's a lot of anecdotal evidence of this happening. Very weird. One adult daughter wrote a book about it called "The Kiss", very disturbing. I don't have any advice for you, other than if it were me I'd get into counseling MYSELF to help me unpack this. Very upsetting. God bless.
My thoughts exactly! She
My thoughts exactly! She might not be his step daughter at all! Genius idea for covering up an affair?
It's simple. You should NOT
It's simple. You should NOT be feeling like this in your marriage. Get it sorted or get out. He's NOT putting your feelings first. Sorry, it's harsh, but that's reality.
I agree with Annith. This
I agree with Annith. This isn't normal. It's not like you "stole" Daddeee away from a mini-wife SD. If that were the case this behavior would be, sadly, all too typical. Her whole history with her father has you as his wife though. I don't see the need to exclude you at all. If this is legit and she wants to get to know her dad, fine, but you are her dad's partner and an integral part of his life. The occasional dad-daughter lunch or whatever is fine. But to exclude you ALL the time makes no sense, especially since your DH is taking her places that he should be taking YOU. Of course that hurts your feelings. I'd be a raving lunatic bitch over that kind of thing.
Couples counseling. Fast. He needs to find a way to integrate the daughter into the family so he can stop DATING her.
robynbragg...where are you? I
robynbragg...where are you?
I too am curious. Did you know he had a daughter before she came back into his life?
Please come back and answer questions. Thanks!
My younger sister has a story
My younger sister has a story similar to yours but without all the weird twists.
My BIL fathered a baby as a teen, with a teen. They never married. He went into the Navy when the baby was almost 2. While out of the country, he received notice that his baby girl had passed away.
He later married a different woman and had a daughter with his wife in his late 30's.
They divorced and he married my sister.
I guess my bil had always had suspicions about the passing of his first born as there were many things that didn't add up. No one could ever tell him where his child was buried, the BM's sister had a daughter about the same age as his daughter would have been even though he never knew her to be pregnant around the same time as BM.
Before computers there wasn't much anyone could do, especially for a BD who was never married to the BM.
His daughter did make contact about 4 years ago. She is a grown woman the same age as my sister. On their first meeting, my BIL had a doll and a bouquet of roses for his daughter.
He handed her the doll and said, "This is for the little girl I missed out on". He then handed her the roses and said, "This is for the woman you are now".
The daughter and my sister are like best friends.
Weird and wrong on so many
Weird and wrong on so many levels. She's being treated more like a wife than you are. How long has this been going on? I would be livid at being left at home while he takes SD out on dates.
Spouses come before spawn.
Spouses come before spawn. Any spawn. Regardless of the situation of their birth, childhood, adulthood, etc...
DH needs to give his adult surprise daughter clarity on this or she can crawl back into the ether that she crawled out of.
IMHO of course.