I would say, write her a letter and give her the facts (with a copy of the divorce decree), and then let it alone. Yes, if she is 37 she can be given all the info, and let her make her own decision. It probably won't be a rational one if the BM has managed to alienate her to this point, but your DH has the right to speak for himself and clear his name.

UCSM (BB)

"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin

I dont know what advice to give you. We go through the same stuff with the kids as kids and have to just calmly say our side w/out trashing BM...she even says I was with DH when they divorced, their divorce was finallized before we ever got to know eachother. We have saved every document from the time of the divorce so when BM does this as the kids are adults and the kids decide to trash my DH we can hand them the documents and say read this for yourselves then you decide who to believe. It may not be right but I figure its the easiest way to set the truth out there without us having to trash mom verbally, they will see she trashed her own life if they choose to read the documents. ALso included in those documents are the confirmed child abuse chaarges against her DH from him throwing SS across the room when he was 3 and causing stitches and permanent scarring ( and I think brain damage) because SS has been led to believe they were wrestling...well what f-ing 30 something year old man wrestles w a 3 yo until the point of getting stitches. See BM tells SS that DH was abusive towards her and that is why they divorced but the truth of her affair, preganncy from the other man, paternity dispute and games she played withholding the kids from DH because of unpaid child support for a kid that was not his...is all spelled out.

Stand your ground and I am sorry , did you say SD is 37 years old? If that is the case offer to give her your side of the story with documentation if you have it. What she does with it from there is on her. Don't mean to sound harsh but she is an adult and needs to act like one. I am the product of divorced parents and I met my BD and made my own conclusions quickly about him and his character when I was 24. Actually my mom was right aboutall his selfishness and faults but I needed to see that for myself and Boy did I! SD needs to get that facts and if you sense that's really not what she's looking for and just wants to have a pity party don't RSVP!

If SD 37 would listen only to her mother before taking this step without giving your husband a chance to discuss this with her after all of these years I really don't thinnk that there is much you can do. She is pretty much telling you that she has picked sides and does not want to entertain any other information by her actions.

It does not make sense that your SD would wait until she was 37 to make this decision based upon what her mother recieved in a divorce some 30 years earlier unless something else has been said or has occurred to serve as a catalyst. As bitter as the BM is now i find it hard to believe that she waited to tell SD this until she was 37.

In my case my SD and SS are about the same age as your SD and the catalyst was my husband's pitifully small inheritance from his mother. Adult SS and SD felt that they had a right to it. It was also at this time that they brought up what thier mother got or didn't get during the divorce. In my husband's case BM got everything worth anything and DH got all of the debt but they don't care. She has in the past 28 years lost a good bit of it to the second husband and also in investing in a trailer for SS which she had to pay to move twice. All bad financial decsions that she alone made but somehow they are mad at us! SS does not recognize that he is sponging off of BM from what ever is left of the finanacial gains gotten from his BDs and BM's marriage! So the real reason for the anger at what lttle she has left is that they will have to contend with a second wife and two minor children on their Dad's side now to get an inheritance! Maybe your SD 37 is acting so ugly for a similar greedy reason!

Wicked SM above makes some interesting comments about what she discovered about her BF when she met him that got me wondering. None of us being perfect the thought crossed my mind that a lot of the things that are not tolerated or looked upon as horrible faults in non custodial parents because of the information passed down to us as children would probably be overlooked if the parents were still together. I mean with most people we have relationships with we tend to overlook their faults, forgive them when they hurt us, and continue to speak to them after arguments, misunderstandings etc. - we even do this with friends. I am not talking here about parents that have been abusive in any way or nonexistent just those that may not do everything that you would like for them to do, etc. One example of selfish behavior that is often overlooked in intact families would be the fathers out there that seem to prefer golf or other activities in their free time (just one example of selfish behavior) as opposed to spending time with their children. IDK but it just seems like we cut others in our lives some slack in regards to our relationships so why are adult skids so hard on the non-custodial parents and SMs?????? Just got me to thinking >>>>>>>>

I'd write a letter with the truth. After that it's up to her.

My husband's mother did this to him for 40 years. She had him believing his father abandoned them, left her destitute and never provided any support. Well, his father wound up having a stroke and had to be placed in a nursing home. My husband went to get his affairs in order. He found all of the documentation that proved his mother lied to him all of those years. He found that he gave her the house, paid for all four children to go to private school, paid support, taped my husband's radio shows, and tried to see them. There were police reports of him trying to see them. His mother would go ballistic when he tried to visit with them. My husband also found every card his father ever sent to him "returned to sender."

His father never bad mouthed his mother even when he and my husband reconnected. He told my husband that he watched my husband and his youngest sister crying in the windows one two many times when he would try to visit and the cops would be called. He said he didn't want to upset them anymore and figured they would come to him when they got older.

My husband got to have two years with his father before he passed. His mother never forgave him for picking up a relationship with his dad and sent him everything he ever made, his baby books, his pictures, everything she had kept over the years on his birthday three years ago. They have not spoken since.

My husband never confronted her about what she had done. I don't know if I could have done that.

The point is, these kids will grow up and find out the real story all on their own. I know it is frustrating, but just think of the new respect my husband has for his father. Even when his father knew my husband knew the real story, he still did not say anything negative about his mother. That's a real class act.