32 year old daddy's girl living with us
I don't even know where to start. SD is 32 years old and moved in with us in June of last year. Her mother is a bipolar and SD has always lived with her or been living close enough to be very influenced by her. Up until June SD lived in Florida. She was supposed to come up here to "help her dad" for the summer (he's a general contractor). At end of summer, nothing happened. In September she announced to her dad that she was an alcoholic so he felt she should stay with us and go to meetings. For one, I don't believe for a minute that this is true. We were on a vacation together with her and my adult daughter earlier in the year for 3 weeks. She stayed in a room with my daughter during that time and never once took a drink of alchohol. A true alcholic would not have made it that long without some symptoms (I'm a nurse and was a director of a drug and alchohol rehab in the past) The issue is both her mother and father were alcholics and met in AA. I believe this is how she is able to have a "common ground" with her dad and gain his sympathy. His other daughter is 28, very responsible, just got out of Navy, is married and has a beautiful daughter. The 28 year old lived with us several years as a child so I had some influence in her raising.
Since this SD moved in with us, she runs errands for her dad (while posting on FB all day - so most not be too busy) and sleeps, eats meals I prepare and spends money at walmart on her ciggarettes and mountain dew. I have asked several times about her getting an actual job where she has to be responsible for being awake at a certain time (she sleeps until she wants then calls him to see if he needs her to go pick up something) but hubby disagreed and wanted her to "work" with him. I finally lost it last month and requested the following: 1) she would pay $150 toward household bills, $40 toward her phone bill (which I have paid for years - he wanted her to have a new phone and to be added to my account since I get a discount through work - he was supposed to pay for it, never has) and $20 toward the insurance for the truck she drives (belongs to her dad). $210 a month.... I2)that she prepare dinner twice a week. Once on a day I'm off and once on a day I work (I work 12 hour shifts). 3) she would sweep and mop floor downstairs every other Monday. 4) She would clean downstairs bathroom she uses every other Tuesday. (I do alternate weeks). 5) She would work a minimum of 24 hours per week. They have already planned to go to Florida for 3 weeks leaving Feb 4 (which he is paying for) so I said after they returned she would need to find a real job at least 24 hours a week. 5)One a week on Sunday we would do something as a family.
Since that time she did leave $210 on the kitchen counter (or he did, I don't know for sure since she never talks to me) He says she has gotten up early and swept/mopped the downstairs. (I leave small things on the floor to see and I know she hasn't, but when give him the "really?" look he gets mad and says nothing is good enough for me. I normally serve dinner at 6:30pm when I am off work. He asked me to serve at 5:30 so she could be at her 7pm meeting. Which I did for 3 days in a row and she made sure she left right after getting out of bed at 3 or 4 to make sure she wasn't there. So I told him I was going back to 6:30pm which is what I prefer since she wasn't going to be there anyway. She never speaks to me, if I say hi when she comes downstairs, she literally walks past me like I'm invisible.
Being a nurse in these times, work is stressful at best and now I'm overly stressed at home. I asked him last night how long it was going to take for him to feel comfortable with her living on her own again. (he has said before when we all flew to Florida for my daughter's wedding that he wouldn't let he stay in Florida at that time - end of November - and he would drag her a-- back to Alaska because he didn't feel comfortable with her being on her own yet). Anyway, he said he didn't understand why I was asking him that and that SHE needed to feel comfortable living on her own. I said that may never happen since she has it so good here. She sleeps until she wants and then daddy pays her to run errands for him. (pick up parts and bring to him) She spends her money on whatever she wants. Daddy pays for the gas in truck - since she's running errands for him... and we pay for all the bills and food. Actually "I" pay the bills and food. He dad pays $1500/month toward the mortgage. I also have the max amount of taxes taken out of my check so it will cover the taxes he doesn't pay when we file, I cover the health and life insurance and have money taken out of my check for retirement.
We own a lodge with separate cabins which I also run and take care of. I have considered taking my cats and moving out to one of the cabins for the winter (we are a summer business - too cold in winter for salmon fishing), but part of me also things that would be the final straw in my marriage. We will be married 18 years Feb 1. He wants to go to Anchorage for 3 days next weekend, but I honestly don't want to. I don't trust her with my cats for 3 days (I've seen her shove them off onto the floor when they try to get by her on the couch and they are older so they could break something). My 3 cats are pretty much my only joy at this point. That and talking to my daughter in Florida. And Anchorage is pretty much shut down, so there would really be nothing to do and it's a 3 1/2 hour one way drive on awful roads this time of year. I honestly don't know if my marriage will survive this. He will not listen when I say he is enabling her, that she needs to be responsible. I just don't know how much I can manage. Hubby and I are supposed to go on a trip in May and honestly if she doesn't go too, I will not go. I will not leave her here for 2 weeks. I have a good friend I work with who always stays here with the cats that I trust.
I just wanted to know if anyone else has been in this situation and how they handled it. Just writing it down helps. Thanks for listening. Any suggestions are welcome.
She's 32, out she goes. If he
She's 32, out she goes. If he wants to live with her over you, HE can move into one of the cabins with her, while he finds a place to live.
Nope just nope.
Nope just nope.
A few nights is one thing, more than that. NOPE
Yep.... he wants her to live
Yep.... he wants her to live with him? Right, they need to both get out of your place and find their own.
So confused
Problem...not only is this house our home, but the property is a business which has several cabins for summer lodge guests. We own a property on the Kasilof River for salmon fishing. The mortgage is in his name, but house in both names and business in mine. I know he won't leave and I don't want to give up all I've done in the past to make this a successful business. I just want her to leave and be on her own again so we can have our life back. Ok, so I can have MY life back. She has no reason to want to leave, where else is she going to find this comfortable life where she can do what she wants? They were both here for dinner (I prepared) which is unusual for her. She's all chatty cathy when he's around - he says thanks for dinner and she's all yeah, that was delicious. It's just a show for him, when he's not here I'm invisible. But as far as he is concerned his princess can do no wrong. I don't know what to do. I'm just looking forward to them being gone for 3 weeks so I can have some peace and give me time to figure out what I want to do without them around. My 18th anniversary is in 6 days and I am wondering if there will be a 19th at this point. Thanks for listening.
Yes I can see your problem.
Yes I can see your problem. And getting tough with them both WILL be very hard.
Your DH is banking on the hope that you will avoid confontation and the complicated business of sorting all the financial and legal implications of a split.
And it will be hard and unpleasant in the interim, if that's what you decide to do - split with him.
But honestly, the alternative is grim - having your SD there for the rest of your life - because Daddy doesnt want her going anywhere!
I can't get past the fact
I can't get past the fact that she's 32 and he doesn't think she's capable of living on her own ... When does he think that will ever happen if he keeps coddling her and having zero expectations of her? You realize she'll still be there when he retires, don't you?
He needs her close to him
He needs her close to him because he is concerned about her. She is 32 she needs to be at least semi independent. Preferably completely independent but that doesn't sound likely in your case. She can rent one of the cabins, she pays an agreed upon monthly rent and she is still close to daddy. She does not get to come to the main house unless invited.
You need to put pressure on
You need to put pressure on your DH. Time for tough love. You should not have to live with someone who is deliberately rude to you & not pulling their weight, especially if you did not agree to it. Start by paying 1/3 of the bills. He wants her there - he can pay for it. Give deadlines, say he has 60 days to have freeloading adult launch or you will take further measures such as moving out or not paying anything, etc. - whatever works for you. Best of luck to you.
You're being far too passive,
and nothing is going to change unless you change your approach. You need to find your lady balls, step out of your comfy wifey role, and unleash your inner bi!ch. Time for a little shock n awe.
Think pressure and leverage. Increase pressure on father and daughter individually, making each uncomfortable. She's lazy and enjoying being coddled, and he's got you enabling him to enable her. So put her to work, and leverage the power you hold in your marriage to motivate your H.
First, consult with a divorce attorney to gain clarity on what you're entitled to. You need to know what weapons you have before you engage in battle. Then, open new accounts at a different bank. Reroute your paychecks, and move half of all joint monies. Do this soon, since the first of February is fast approaching, because in addition to separating finances, you need to stop paying the bills. But we'll get to that part in a minute.
Next, start inconveniencing Madam. Make a list of chores. Wake the freeloader up bright and early, and tell her you expect them done daily. Laundry, shopping, cleaning, and cooking - wake her each morning, and make her your bi!ch. Stop coming home after a long work day to cook for people who are taking advantage of you. You are not the help, your a$$hole H doesn't deserve it, and it implies you're okay with the current arrangement. No more favorite foods for him. No more treats. Only cheap meals with cheap ingredients and things he doesn't like made by his mini wife - you know, because there's an extra mouth to feed so economies must be made. Cut him off from all wifely services, period.
Your comment about spending Sunday as a family? I disagree with that. You are not in a plural marriage, and your H's adult daughter can occupy herself quite well. You should be having couples time and date nights. Treat her as a (bad) roommate and live like a normal married couple, not parents with a small child.
Back to finances now. No more biting your tongue and avoiding confrontation. Have a private, formal dialogue with your H. Be firm, direct, and draw some hard boundaries. Tell him you've been patient and supportive, but he's put the marriage in jeopardy by taking advantage of you and his daughter needs to go. That his enabling is crippling her, she deserves to have a life and family of her own, and the financial drain is not acceptable so until changes are made you won't be financially contributing to the household. Throw in some facts about what his financial situation will be like if he doesn't start putting YOU first. Be fierce, and scare the feces out of him, OP. You need to be ruthless and savage on your own behalf, and willing to burn the whole thing down if need be. Get vicious, and to crazy on their dysfunctional little arrangement that makes you an outsider in your own marriage.
OP, you should also ask your
OP, you should also ask your H why is it ok for Princess to sleep in till all hours, when YOU (and presumably he?) get up at a normal hour, keep to a schedule, be on time for work etc?
I would love to hear his answer to that question alone!
Right? OP is being far too
Right? OP is being far too accommodating. Maybe she should tell her H she's quitting her job so he'll have to work more.
And why it's okay for him to go on a three week vaca with his mini wife??
I know. Ughhh....
I know. Ughhh....
Tough love - on BOTH
You seem like you want to keep the marriage and toss the SD. Ok, follow the advice you are getting - this stuff is worth its weight in gold.
STOP cooking for those cretins!!!! Make SD your chore b!tch (trademarked by RAGs, another member here)
Have a heart to heart with DH. Make it sound like you are looking out for SD's interests. "she deserves", "This would be the best thing for her"...
Its concerning that he is getting upset with you when you stand up for things...that would cause me to go see a lawyer to see what my options would be.
All Great Advice Here, & I Would Like To Add This:
SD needs to be medically / mentally EVALUATED, blood tests, full labs, whatever it takes to DISPROVE she is an alcoholic. It will also reveal whether or not SHE is BiPolar. This is hereditary, and usually from the mother's side.
Once that happens, daddddeee should see that she is milking that excuse, or she sees it as some sick way to bond with him somehow.
Next, yes, she moves into one of the cabins at the lodge and pays competitive rent to live there, WITH THE UNDERSTANDING SHE WILL BE GONE BEFORE TOURISM SEASON. This will be the transitionary period.
Once she and daaaaddeee go to Florida together, he leaves her there PERMANENTLY with family, or whomever, that's not your concern. If he refuses to do so, tell him, "I regret to inform you we will not be seeingour 19 wedding anniversary. My attorney will be in touch."
A marriage is between two
A marriage is between two adults. Not three. Regardless of who the 3rd wheel is.
So, defend your marriage, have your attorney serve your SD-32 with an eviction notice and start invoking a state of abject misery until she leaves in compliance with the eviction notice.
The eviction notice from an attorney serves as a clear message to the toxic adult home/marriage invading spawn and your DH.
Put your foot down and get her the F out of your home and life. She can reset into a healthy adult relationship with her father and with you once she is gone.
Good luck.
Good grief my son is 25 now
Good grief my son is 25 now but was doing more than your SD is doing by the time he was 20.
Your DH has labeled her a "victim" and no doubt has guilt because he thinks she inherited her supposed alcololism. He needs to pull his head out of his butt and start acting like a parent instead of enabling her. He needs to go see a counselor.