23 yo SSon will not move out
Hi, all,
I'm writing to see if I can get some feedback on my situation....I've been married for 4 years to a kind and loving, and imperfect man. Immediately after our wedding, his son moved in with us. We live in a suburb of a large city, in a house I purchased before our marriage so that we could be close to his kids. The BM moved to a distant suburb, taking their daughter with her.
My SSon is essentially a good kid. He's not rude to me, he helps out periodically, he works, and buys his own food, gas, and other incidentals. However, he does NOT clean up to the extent that there is garbage (literal garbage) everywhere,, the basement smells, and I'm concerned about rodents and bugs. Also, he vaped in the basement for years, despite my repeated, firm directives not to do so. After asking, telling, demanding multiple times that he do things that he should know to do without being asked, I'm no longer kind and gentle.. And then, both my DH and SS say that I'm too harsh. Our extended family tend to baby their kids and grandkids, who do not help out at holiday gatherings, or do much of anything. I think that many of my SSon's friends live at home, and my SSon feels as if he's being unfairly singled out and told to get out. I began encouraging him to move out some months ago, but he's made no real attempt to do so. My in-laws claim that he just needs more time and that I should enjoy having him around. I don't. I didn't not grow up in a household where children "hung out" and lived off their parents into their 20s and I have, honestly, very little respect for kids who do so and parents that enable them.
Clearly I do NOT advocate adult children living at home, and I did not expect to be financially supporting my SSon at the age of 23. Finally, he's a Trump supporter, and I can't stand his politics. He wears his MAGA hat and then becomes sullen and mumbles about how his free speech is being violated when I tell him to take it off. He's more than welcome to wear all the MAGA gear and leave garbage lying around when he gets his own apartment. Unfortunately, I can no longer hide my open frustration at him still being here. I've asked him to contribute. Multiple times. He's given me rent once in the 4 years he's lived in my home. He refers to it as his house, which it isn't. I fear that, because of lack of parenting (his father is extremely checked out, due to working all the time, and just not wanting to alienate his kids---his mother has minimized her contact with him). I'm just sick of being the ONLY person who's doing anything resembling parenting, and being treated as the bad guy for doing so.
Any input is greatly appreciated.
Start eviction proceedings.
Start eviction proceedings. Tell him that part of the "Make America Great Again" philosophy is to be responsible for oneself - not to be a leach who lives off of others.
So true
Donald Trump did not allow his kids to live free of charge. They had to work every summer. OK they worked for Dad but it wasn't some glamor job. You work hard and reap the rewards. This is what MAGA is all about. Ask SS to write to the President and explain his Stepmom will not let him live in her home for free anymore and insists he has to move out. I can give you a pretty good idea what the reply will be. In fact argue the point every single day. If the in-laws make a fuss maybe babySS can move in with them. If DH says he is OK living there then ask DH to move out as well. He and SS can become room mates.
Give him 3 months to find an apartment. Start making redecorating plans. Get some boxes and ut them outside his door. Leave apartment magazines lying around. DH will have a fit but ask him how old he was when he left home... I bet it was before 22 yrs old.
Is this Normal and Ok?
My husband left a note on refridgerator for his daughter that says, "Daddy loves you"...my SD is 21 yrs old and has moved in with us 4mos ago. I find it a lil weird, she is not a little girl and is very manipulative. Almost like her Dad owes her bc of divorce and not living with them. ..so is it a bit much or is it no big deal...
Yes, I see a fair bit of
Yes, I see a fair bit of manipulation as well. My husband, because he feels terrible about the divorce, wants to protect his kids from any further hurt. Unfortunately, that translates into not allowing there to be any consequences for their actions. Did you and your husband talk about how long she'll live there, or any other specifics?
Yep, 30 days to find a new
Yep, 30 days to find a new place. I would sit him down (apparently by yourself since DH is not much on parenting, and it is YOUR house!!!) and politely explain that he is past the age where he should be living at home, and you are now doing him a disservice by allowing him to stay. And that he has exactly 3 months to find a new place to stay, and as the person above said, you have new plans for his space. And then pray he doesn’t overstay the 3 months so you have to take further action...
How does your DH and others think this is ok???
It's your house, you hold all
It's your house, you hold all the cards - time to stop being so nice, I think! I suggest that you tell (not ask) your DH, and then his son, that you are expecting him to find his own place, and give him a set time scale for doing so. Personally, I think 2 months should be ample. If not, start legal proceedings.
Your house, your rules,
Your house, your rules, period.
Tell your in-laws to come over and clean up after him.
Call your local board of health dept.
give him xx amount of days to move out or take legal action to get him to. Put it all in writing.
Tell Skid that vaping anywhere in the house is off limits immediately.
Make arrangements to have the locks changed on the day you give him to get out or very soon thereafter by a trusted locksmith, unless you can change the locks yourself.
Ask for rent every month in writing.
Contact an attorney with what your rights are.
Make your home and basement, your home, notadult skids. It is your home, right?
Set up cameras.
Do not be quiet when skid isn't sleeping. Don't give him any privileges. Sounds like he is making your life miserable.
Tell Skid that on expected date of his moving out, whatever stuff he leaves behind will be brought to the curb and a big FREE sign will be put on it. No exceptions.
call the police if he gives you any flack.
Tell your your spouse to grow a backbone and deal with his adult free loader.
BUILD A WALL in front of the
BUILD A WALL in front of the door to his room and tell him that you're "Making America Great Again" by helping him go out, live his own life and stimulate the economy.
The time for *parenting* this *child* is long past. The world isn't going to give him a lazy pass at the age of 23 and neither should you. Like above posters said, everyone will hate you, you'll piss DH off, the IL's will think you're a horrible cruel person yet they say this because they don't want to deal with him. They know if you turn him out he'll go to them. I had to take a stand with DH when ss was 29 and "homeless". He needed a place to stay for a few nights which turned into months. I told DH either ss was leaving or I was. It just about ended my marriage but there was no way in h#ll I was going to live with a filthy pothead unemployed man baby any longer.
This is your home and you have every right to ask ss to leave. Maybe IL's will take him in since he's so enjoyable.
^^^LOL^^^
Love it!!!
The political divide is
The political divide is killing even loving biological families. I could not tolerate your SS's politics in my face all the time. At his age, I'm sure he doesn't see it as the slap in the face it is when you are paying the bills.
My SD and I had a huge divide over the pit bull issue some years back. I thought we agreed to disagree when it came up. A few weeks later, she sent me a snapshot of a passage from a book defending her position, which basically said my position was BS. Had it only been opposing positions, that would have been one thing. But it was right after my dog had been mauled to death by a pit bull. I could not believe she would even verbalize her position after such a horrific event that ruined my wedding (the attack happened the week before, so no honeymoon and my wedding night was spent administering morphine to my dog who died anyway), let alone continue to hassle me about it by email when I was so devastated by my dog's death.
That is who she is, though: aggressive, ugly and always right.
Of course people don't agree on everything. But given the already tenuous relationship between steps, why go there? In your house, your SS should have more consideration. He can have his beliefs without stoking the fire and he should. But given his character, I guess that's not who he is. What a shame.