How would dad handle all of this if he were single? He's the parent. It's his job to deal with teachers, schedules, homework...
Help out if needed, but refuse to take over.

You have a lot of issues in your post I would like to address

>How involved are you with the school system and/or teachers that your skids attend?<

Very. But I am quickly learning through this site, a step-parent's involvement, especially to the nth degree as I have taken it, is outside the "norm". My upbringing is also outside the "norm". My father, probably due to his cultural background placed a HUGE emphasis on education. I have somehow inherited that trait and I place more emphasis on education than anyone else in my step-kid's immediate family.

>SS11 starts his first day of school next Tuesday here in Kansas. It's new for all of us as he's been in Louisiana with BM for the past four years or so... FDH is expecting me to participate fully in the school thing as a parental figure and I'm nervous. How involved is TOO involved for me?<

Two things; 1) Children have a much easier time adjusting to their new environments than adults do. We too also worried about my stepson adjusting to a new school (he entered at Grade 5). It took my SS all of one day to get fully integrated and make new friends. By week's end, the teachers said it was like he had been to the school since Grade 1. 2) If I were you, I would only get involved as far as FDH goes. I know you are nervous, but once you meet SS11's teachers you'll adjust as well. I make a point of meeting all of SS teachers and letting them know that I am SS's stepfather and yes, I am involved.

>I feel like the school counselor and SS11's teacher should be fully aware of the events that he has gone through over this past year and what landed him with us full time. They need to know that he was overmedicated by his mother on ADHD meds and has been brainwashed to think that he "can't be good" without them when he is really a normal kid and she didn't want to parent.<

My SS also has ADHD (inattentive type). If your SS11 was overmedicated, FDH should talk to SS11's pediatrician. By all means, the school should know about this. The councellor may recommend SS11 for an IEP (which is what we got for our SS). There's a lot of books on the subject of kids with ADHD. The one thing I learned is that these kids process information a little different. Discipline and structure only take these kids so far. They need to be fully engaged in order to excell academically and there are a few tricks I learned to do this. Again, I encourge you (and your FDH) to read up on the subject. As far as the "story" goes, this is where DW and I differ. Everytime she meets the teachers she wants to cue the violins and tell the teachers the long sad story about how SS's father ignores him, bla, bla, bla...I can see it in the teacher's faces. This sh*t isn't important to them. What is important to them is the student they are trying to teach and prepare for the next grade.

>Do I work my ass off to make sure homework is done and he is doing his best in school or simply pick him up when needed and let FDH handle all of the other stuff?<

It depends. You and FDH really need to sit down and talk about this. Some of us may be experts in some subjects but not qualified to teach. When DW gets frustrated with SS, she'll drop out and let me take over (and vice-versa). I believe that if both of you take an equal interest in SS11, SS11 will do very well. So don't fret. Sit down with FDH one evening, crack open a bottle of wine and talk...Talk about your expectations, your experiences and your fears. Hash it out. I am sure you guys will be able to come up with a good game plan.

I am with my step more than either of his parents. His dad works out of the home, I do not. His mom has done a variety of things that led her to be a non custodial parent with very limited time (for almost 2 years she had no overnights). Mom may not like it, but that is reality.

Mom, living close by at the time, was able to make certain facts fuzzy. She looked like she was custodial even though she was not. She was mother of the year, volunteering at the school, being a member of a board, whatever.

What my dh started doing was emailing the teachers directly at the start of the school year to give them a low down on the kid and his situation. We didn't get into the nitty gritty of how this all came to be, that would not be appropriate, but we did give them enough that they would know there was problems on that side of the equation. The majority of the email was about the kid, only 1 paragraph was about mom. Basically it said they might be contacted by her, gave her full name and that although she didn't have educational rights that we encourage open dialog between her and his teachers so she's satisfied that she is fully informed on his progress. Conveyed what they needed to know.

The teachers know. They see a custodial father and the know there's a problem with mom. There are exceptions, I know that, but usually, this is true.

That's one issue. But, there's another one ...

There are three ways this can go: dad and you parent together as partners, dad takes the lead in parenting his kid or dad has you take the lead, which appears to be happening here. That option will lead to problems down the road, you don't want to go there.

Dad thinks there should be volunteerism at the school then he should volunteer at the school unless you have kids at the school.

The ex has made sure that it is in the order that we hand over every piece of paper turned into the school on behalf of the kid. We have to scan it and send it filled out. Seriously. Friggen permission slips ... course handbook cover sheets ...

She's already filed one petition because we left her name off a form, I would expect her to do the same in the future.

When she did have the ability to sign forms she demanded that she sign everything ... including a permission slip for a free flu shot. And when she signed it she would sign so big it would have made John Handcock jealous.

She's ridiculous.

(dh has sole legal and sole physical custody too)

I think you let DH handle all of this. I do not get involved with SS unless I am specifically asked and even that turned into a nightmare with BM.

DH handles all homework, school shopping, I do nothing...Not my kid. BM is not involved in his life sine we got full custody. She take him to dinner once a month and that is it.

As long as Dad is involved, you don't need to be.

I am all for less drama and it seems as if when two females are vying for the same role, all their is, is drama...

As others have said, you and FDH need to talk about what you are willing to do, what you would both like the other to do.
DH and I had full custody of his two DD's. I was involved in my SD's education but only in a limited way. I bought all school supplies and clothing, would take them/pick them up if my schedule allowed, give them lunch money and help with school projects. My youngest SD was entering high school so that is why I was less involved then I wanted to be.

I must caution against the BM being involved with the teachers/school. We found out this led to a lot of issues we didn't know about. BM would send notes to school letting them sign themselves out early, she would attend meetings and lie about DH and I, saying we were not making sure they got to school or that they were prepared for school. She would change the home phone number & mailing address on the girls information at the school so the school only called her and then would talk crap to DH when he had no clue what was going on. The younger SD ended up on probation with the school for missing 108 classes during the first half of her sophomore year. She ended up moving out of our house after and in with her mom and signing up for night school which she did not complete and is now almost 20 with no diploma or GED. BM is a piece of crap who doesn't give a shit about her kids, she only wanted CS payments to end. On the plus side SD's and I get along great!

If you want to be very involved with SS school then I, personally, would present myself as your FDH's wife, not fiancee. I know some may not agree but it may make things a little easier and you will be soon anyway. And if there is a CO I hope it says that FDH has full control of his education. If not, you need to get that in there or you may regret it down the road.

Just take your time and ease into anything. And good luck!

I think that a lot of smom's here have chosen to take a back seat to a healthy Bio mom. Don't have that here and never will.

I also think that marrying a man with kids means you get the package. Dh and I are in a partnership in raising the kids. It's something we talked about in great detail before we got married. Up until ss come into our lives, both his parent's worked. He was in before and after school care. And then his mother dropped out of his life for a couple months (jail). I'm a very different mom that his mother can or will be.

At this point we have teens on the verge of graduation that 1) have not had sex, 2) have not tried drugs, and, 3) are pretty close to straight A students. I think that if either of us had taken a detached stance to either of the kids, we wouldn't be where we are right now.

I just dont think there are "sides to stories" here when it comes to schooling. Its not a court room. I think stating facts and keeping personal feelings out of it is going to go farther than anything else. Just facts so the school can help him. I was highly involved as BM said she had a new set of kids and was not interested in anything to do with SD outside of every other week visitation. That being said, being highly involved was not best for anyone. I tried to show SD what a "real" mother's care/involvement was (according to my own guidelines) and I got kicked in the face for it. My DH expected me to DO IT ALL and then would berate me for not doing it according to his and his parent's "guidelines". If I could do this all over again, I'd support but do none of the daily care, and none of the discipline, and she'd have been in daycare her entire childhood so she had no reason to "hate" me for being the "mother" figure which meant enforcing structure and rules. She's now 18 and I've seen her through pre-school to graduation. She hates me. She blames me for her life being an absolute mess. Her BD and BM are both a**holes who didnt give a rats a**. Yes, my husband is an a** !

I used to attend every play/concert/Open House, make SD's bag lunches, pick her up from school twice a week. I was usually the one who asked if she had any homework and checked it over. I also used to be the one who bought all her school supplies and new school clothes in the Fall. I went to a few of her teacher evaluations and parent-teacher meetings, but not all of them--DH actually likes it when I do go, and so did SD when she was younger, but BM always made such a face.

Fast forward several years. I still very much love SD and have a good relationship with her, although she is a teenager now and so sometimes our relationship is strained and difficult as is pretty common in these awkward years. I have, however, taken a big step back in school involvement because I got sick and tired of the dynamic. As she's gotten older she's gotten more lackadaisical about her studies, was skipping homework, cutting after-school programs and fibbing about it and I was the only one pushing for change--and then was metaphorically slapped in the face, often told I was too hard on her because I have high academic standards and expected her to have consequences for her actions. Okay then. I have adopted more of a 'not my kid, not my problem' stance in this particular arena. I'm not super-happy about that because, well, I think I am right and he is wrong, ha ha, but what can you do...also, because I would like our kids to have more of a united parenting philosophy behind them and I will NOT be sticking my head in the sand and accepting lies and excuses from our son about his school issues, but fortunately there are 10+ years between them and while he idolizes his big sister hopefully he will not remember much about her high school performance.

I no longer pick up from school--but then she is old enough to take public transit. I no longer make her lunches, or check her homework or press her to keep on-schedule for big projects. I have decided that position is just stressful for me and unappreciated by everybody else. I go to her Open Houses etc. IF I can make it that day without heroic feats of juggling schedules around my little one. I still go to all her concerts and plays, to support her. If she ASKS for help with a project, I will readily give it, as I want her to do well and succeed. This year, I took her out one afternoon and bought her a new jacket, some cool boots, and took her to get her hair done before school started-- and told my husband to handle the rest of it, school supplies, outgrown clothes etc. Together they bought some pants that don't really fit right and forgot to get her a binder, and she forgot to pack up her books and bring them with her on her first day, because I didn't hover and remind them like I usually do. It turned into a last-minute early-morning scramble for them but was much more pleasant than usual for me...and it turns out it's not the end of the world if her jeans are too big or she doesn't have a binder on the very first day already. The world still kept turning, as I assume it will do even if she continues getting graded down for being lazy about homework. Perhaps she will find another path. Perhaps her actual mother will finally step up to the plate and start checking her work. My husband is on notice that this will be his job this year, as well, I am no longer taking on this responsibility.

We operate like any normal dual household would. The kids live with DH and I, BM lives in another state... and even before we were married (we waited 5 years) we still operated this way. DH's job is more demanding of his time than mine is so I pick up when he is at work. I get the kids ready for school, pick up depends on who is available, we both go to parent teacher conferences, open houses, whatever. BM gets copies of everything, but she isn't allowed at the school for reasons.. the faculty generally know what is going on (unavoidable in our sitch as BM used to go up there and go ballistic on everyone, hence the banning).

I say you do what is best for you and yours. DH needs to give BM as much access to what he is supposed to per the CO. For us, it works for us to be equals in this- all the way-- but that doesnt work for everyone.

I have been Dad to my SS-21 since he was 1yo. I was his fulltime resident dad so I was completely involved in his school activities and interfaced with the school/teachers as his dad.

My opinion is that the kid lives in your home and you be involved in everything regarding his schooling. As for BM wanting to tell her side of the story .... WTF? I would ignore that crap and not be involved at all if she decides to call the school That his her perogative.

In our case DickHead (BioDad) never called the school, never attended any school events and never had anything to do with the Skid other than video games.