Yeah, we're in contempt of court...riiiiight
So, we had two of the three SD's for the post Christmas break. We were told that the oldest SD12 had Mono and couldn't come. Well, after some digging, we found out that BM was lying about that, SD12 hasn't missed a day of school. So just the younger two SD8&4 come to our house.
The visit was fine, some hiccups with their eating habbits (breaded, fried food only basically) so they leave and I pack them up to go.
Two outfits were left at our house. One of each girl. These outfits came with them. I bought an outfit for each girl when there were here and wasn't going to send them home with them. They were going to stay at my house because I'm tired of packing clothes for them.
My hubby got a call from the BM and she was complaining about the clothes not being returned. Hubby told her that he would return the clothes with SD12's presents. (we live 1800 miles away)We got a letter from our lawyer 1.5 weeks later from BM's lawyer stating that we're in a pattern of keeping clothing and that they want to hold us in contempt of court for the two outfits. yes, you read that right.
it also stated that Hubby "belittles" SD8 because she's overweight. Well, actually, we're highly concerened about her weight and eating habbits. SD4 has the same problem but not the weight problem...yet.
So we wrote back about how we've never kept clothing, they've always come home with more than they came with because we buy them clothes. (This will not happen anymore, they will stay at our house) We also went on about how BM denies phone calls, doesn't let them call us like ever.
We drew out the eating problems of the younger two and how BM says that SD8 has had the problem since she was a baby and there is nothing you can do about it.
We stated about how we know she lied about the Mono and still hasn't sent us a dr's note so we could get money back from the palne ticket we had to eat because of it. Even though you can travel with mono, i read up.
SD4 is showing racist tendanccies, as promoted by BM.
They don't wear their seatbelts right in the car.
BM smokes all over the house and the children have asked us how to get her to stop, we don't know how.
How BM lied on the stand about sending the girls to daycare. At the time of the court case last spring they were in daycare but soon after her parents, and next door neighbors, retired and started looking after the girls. Well, we pay an extra $70 a week for daycare in the summer time, but they never set foot at the daycare! So she lied on the stand about that, and never told us that they stopped going.
So we sent that letter back to our lawyer and she sent a much smaller version back to BM's lawyer. She left off the lying about mono part but signed a medical files release form so our lawyer can see them. She also wrote about the phone calls had stopped, the eating habbits bit, and abotuthe clothes.
I can't wait to see her reaction though. It's been about 3 weeks since we wrote back though. So who knows. She might be forging the medical documents to say she had mono...that'd be awesome.
Our lawyer told him that he's allowed to see her medical records anyway because he's...her father. Duh! So, I keep telling him to go ahead and try to get a copy but he's going to wait to see what happens with the lawyer! It's like waiting for Christmas morning right now.
Ugh! Contempt of court over an outfit...what will she think of next?!
medical records
Dad can get a copy of the records himself by calling the clinic/hospital and getting a form to fill out with a copy of birth certificate or child support order. Easy as that!
My BF had to do that for his newborn son to be sure BM was not lying about anything.
How do we get a copy of their birth certificates?
She wouldn't even give him their SSn's because she's paraniod that he'll make passports and go to Germany, (he's full blooded German). She's wacko. I doubt she'd hand that over.
Do you think we could get a copy from the state with just their SSN's? BM didn't know they were on the divorce decree
As long as he's the father...
all he has to do is ask. I don't think you even need their SSNs. I had to get copies of my kids birth certificates and I don't remember having to have that info.
You could probably just google how to accomplish this and you could get a phone # for these types of records and call to see what he needs to do.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Ahhhh...the good ole' clothes argument...
I actually I went to a training session (for a volunteer position I've taken on) that addressed this very issue. It was actually training on restraining orders but snowballed into high conflict divorces. Anyways, the magistrate that was giving the "lecture" was discussing the fact that judges DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE CLOTHES!!!!!!! She says that she hates this subject and interprets it as a petty argument and that it's never about the clothes, it's about one parent trying to control the other. BM is obviously bitter in your situation and I wouldn't fall into her trap. And believe me, the judge will see this....it's not the first time a nasty BM has filed contempt charges over clothes.
Anyways, she is petty and I would in the future make damned sure to send the stupid clothes back with the kids everytime. In my state it's actually the custodial parent's responsibility to provide ALL clothing, but I got so sick of the friggin' arguments that the girls now have a weekend wardrobe at our house. They arrive on Friday in an outfit provided by her and go back in the same exact outfit on Monday (down to the undies and socks - and trust me she DOES care). If I have to send them in a different outfit, I keep the one they came on Friday with and a note that says I'll give the outfit back the following Monday...and an apology.
If you engage in the petty arguments, she'll pick and pick and pick and pick. If you respond to her rants with a "I'm sorry you feel that way....", she looks like the ranting and raving woman she is whereas if you respond in a similar aspect, you are sinking to her level and this will reflect in court. If she files contempt charges, simply deny them with the facts...I wouldn't play the blame game.
If you, in the first place, feel that items need to be issued through court - like the oldest SD not visiting - then I would address this immediately, not as a reaction to her filing. Because that's what it looks like to a judge....a reaction.
I've been down the road you're on and I know just how HARD it is....
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Man good for you!
I think I'd do the same thing as you if we had EOW type visits.
Since we live 1800 miles away it's harder. We did respond but nicer than what you might think. It might have been a reaction but we thought it out. See, if I write the letters back, they are super bitchy, but if writes them they are all business.
Here's our actual response (the "I" is my DH):
a. I told BM, when we’d spoken on January 3rd, that the two outfits and one sock were left here on accident in the hamper. I also told her that they will be washed and returned to the children when I send down SD12's Christmas presents. The box will go out this week and will be tracked.
b. I have never, ever kept any clothes behind after a visit with the children. There has only been one other visit to our home in Virginia in the summer time.
c. When the girls have come to visit, not including this past Christmas visit, they have always returned home with more clothes than they came with. We’ve purchased clothes for the children for events like church or nice dinners out with family and/or friends. It seems that they only are allowed to come to Virginia with “play” clothes.
d. The two younger children never come to a visit with enough clothes for the time frame of the visit. I shouldn’t be forced to do laundry every day in order to keep the children clothed. More specifically, they never come with enough changes of underwear and socks. I’d like that if they came with enough for one pair per day that they are with us.
e. During the Christmas visit, I purchased some clothes and I elected to keep them in Virginia because clothes we’ve bought them at other visits have never come back at the next visit. This will apply to the Bianca when and if clothes are purchased for her. This will exclude clothes that were purchased for them as presents, e.g. Christmas or Birthdays.
f. The clothes that BM purchases for the children are paid for in some respect from the child support I’m sending her. The kids of course never get to know that I do anything for them so they think she’s taken on the burden of paying for clothing for them on her own.
~~~
I think it's pretty fair.
We haven't filed with the judge yet. We're just going thru lawyers at this point. We got our lawyer almost 2 years ago because of her drama.
good to know that a judge will laugh at her about an outfit though. I mean if we kept ALL of the clothes they come with, that would be something to bring up, not two outfits...sheesh.
It's just so damn silly...
to me.
I just hope you realize it's not about the clothes for her. I'm a BM and I never get fired up if my kids come home missing an outfit. I might make a phone call if it's an outfit I truly care about and they come home in a less than presentable manner....but even then I don't care really. It's all about control and the need to engage in arguments (for whatever internal reason for her) with you and your husband. She's angry and the only way for her to stop being so angry is HER decision. Nothing you ever do will be enough. No amount of money, no amount of compliance with her ridiculous demands, no amount of reasoning....I sometimes feel like a dog chasing my tail.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Oh, It IS silly.
Most of the drama she causes is silly. We do realize that it's more than the clothes to her. We just can't figure out WHY she's slightly off her rocker about small things. Like my husband said in his letter back "She cares more about a pair of pants than the health of her children." Which is sooo true.
The paragraph that we wrote back in the letter to the lawyer isn't the paragraph the BM saw. She saw a much smaller version of it, we tend to ramble.
I have to agree....
I am a BM to 4 kids and i only call up BF if there is a brand new outfit that he did not return because this BF only sees the kids once every 3-4 months and by the time I get them back the kids have outgrown everything. I am also a new step mom. The mother wrote me a letter (I posted about it) stating that we never return her clothes. I almost fell out of my chair. I simply wrote her back telling her that we never keep her clothes because we don't like her taste in clothing for the child. She has yet to respond. I think you got really good advice. I think if we all just make them look stupid in a polite way they may even stop. The only thing i ever complain about is at least keep the kids clean. Give them a bath before you drop them off. I don't expect BF to do a better job than myself anyways. But being a step mom, I can never do the "correct" thing anyways.
"Just because you can give birth, doesn't mean you should."
That's what people tell me
that if I keep the clothes we buy for them, by the time I see them next they will outgrow them. I know but we plan to have kids one day and I'm the youngest of 5 daughters and I wore hand-me-downs for ever. I'm ok with my kids doing that too.
Sadly, these girls can't really do that because the middle SD8 is so large that she can't wear SD12's old clothes. The only thing that was shown to me that IS a hand-me-down is a coat that SD4 is wearing. Weee!
We do bathe them at least...but like you said, nothing will ever be correct.
I am all for it...
I am all for hand me downs. I dont see anything wrong with it. But BM has to make sure that she puts SD2 in nothing but named brand stuff. Which is okay, she has the money for it, she should be dressing nice. I unfortunantely am not in the same financial boat as her so she gets what i get her. For her only being 2 years old anyways she isnt going to know any different. She outgrows things so fast anyways. So if we do buy her name brand stuff I surely am saving it for my daughter. Its just an excuse for BM to throw in my face that i do not provide what she wants for her daughter. With her saying that i told her if s he wants her daughter to wear certain clothes then she needs to provide them otherwise she gets what i give her. As for my ex husband, he can go to H*ll. He only sees the kids once in a great big while. What i put on them is my business if he doesnt like it too bad. I gave the boys mohawks just for fun on day and then sent them off to their dads because he decided to be in town, he shaved their heads and told me that that wasnt a "mexican" hair style. What ever that is? I just think its funny when people try to tell me what to do with my own child and the child that is in my care. PLEASE!
"Still waiting to get my life back"
Maaaaannnn...
I'd be livid right along with you! Ugh. To throw them out is just nuts! And props to your lawyer to get you to not have to pack clothes. I'd LOVE to keep clothes here and have since decided to not let them take clothes home with them anymore that I bought. Tuff. People tell me "They might not fit again" and that's ok with me. There are 3 girls...hand me downs. And, if I have any kids, there ya go! Plus, I can donate them to good will and get a tax credit. Never hurt no one to donate!
I do the same
I never send clothes with my kids to visit there dad. I am talking about the clothes that they are wearing when they leave my house. He always returns them if he changes them. This last time i had bought a new outfit for all of them because i wanted them to look "decent". Well my ex decided to return the kids in some ranchy looking mexico clothes(no offense) that didn't even have english on them. I was like, GREAT! okay, fine whatever. but he never returned the clothes that i bought them. He left him at the house. Now it will be about 3-4 months before he picks them up again. So who knows where there clothes will end up or if they will even fit in them again. As for the BM of my step daughter. Well, she always complains that we dont return the clothes she came in. We see her every weekend so to me its not a big deal if i forget a pair of clothes because i know we will see her the following weekend. She just says what i put on my SD is "tacky". That is why i made the comment that she needs to supply the clothes if she is going to complain on what i put on her. But I do agree that no one should be sending clothes to visit the other parent. That is both the parents responsibility. However, I know there are some parents (like my ex) who do not have clothes for the kids and they should. It's just sad because the kids shouldn't have to go without. With double the parents, the kids should have more than enough.
"Still waiting to get my life back"
The trouble is...
...that we dont' live close to them. If we had everyother weekend visits, they would have practically two of everything and a whole wardrobe with us. Thanks but not thanks on packing anything but a toy or two. They would have what they needed with us, but...alas, they live 1300 miles away. We get to see them once in a blue moon.
IN FACT we just got back and my SD4 was in clothes that were ripped and old and gross. SD8 was in clothes that were too tight for her (even a shirt I bought her thinking it would fit but clearly doesn't - she wears a large in woman's now). SD4 had a HUGE rip in her crotch in her pants, rips in other pants, some that were tooooo small....ugh.
oh man
LOL - clothes, lol, been there, done that. Bm would ask DH to drop by her house every other friday to pick up clothes..she probably wanted to see him. She would invite him in and ask if he was hungry, etc. I got tired of it...DH started telling BM that we have clothes here for SD.
Yes, we had to pay for them, but it's peace of mind. Now, SD is in the habit of bringing the clothes she's wearing after school AND her going home clothes on Sunday. Otherwise, she'll wear whatever is here for her to wear the other day.