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You are not her mother!!!!

Maleik's picture

Submitted by Maleik on Wed, 08/17/2011 - 1:39am

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General Discussion

1. I'm the one that started to dress him in a decent way when his own mother wanted him to hear shoes with holes.
2. I care for him to cut his long hair because the excuse is that oh he looks fine to me
3. I clean all the time his room so he can feel that someone care for him
4. I did his laundry and stop making him wear wrinkled clothes. No shame at all with her
5. I started to push about him being more independent because no hes not 5 years old hes more than 15

I feel that even though I do things for his son is like he doesn't appreciate or value things. I get so angry because her mother doesn't do as many things I do for her son and now we had an argument and he says to me well is none of your business you are not his mother. Why I have to accept all those things only because we don't have a child of our own.

I hate to feel that I stop leaving my life and that Im helping others but what about me? And the hard part is that we cannot have children and adoption is beautiful but I'm pretty sure that he can say well you don't know what is to bring a child on this earth you have no clue. It is very sad.

It his hard when you know that no matter what you do that past is always going to be there and how can you move on when you cannot start a family by your own because everything is about the previous relationship.

momof5_1969's picture

Submitted by momof5_1969 on Wed, 08/17/2011 - 2:44am

Just wanted to send some hugs your way ... so sorry you are dealing with this too. Sad Plain and simple it is just not easy to be a step mom. And a step mom to a teenager is even more difficult. I read on here recently that step parenting one skid though is easier than when they have siblings because then they don't have each other to feed off of, so maybe your continued kindness will pay off. I don't know.

It's hard to read skids -- it's like they are a breed all their own. Sending hugs your way.....

hbell0428's picture

Submitted by hbell0428 on Wed, 08/17/2011 - 9:19am

Being a SM sucks in many ways.......the biggest way I have felt is simply because you do so much and are "expected" to do so much but you don't get much/nothing back. My SD14 lives w/ us FT and has for 1.5 years. I do all those things (until recently - I gave up) and when BM finally does call SD drops me! I suppose this is normal since it is her mother; it just hurts sometimes; ya know; and you are expected to take it in stride time after time. It's almost like we aren't even people w/ feelings.......hard to explain

hbell0428's picture

Submitted by hbell0428 on Wed, 08/17/2011 - 11:12am

LOVE this..........

speaking from smom position, it's HARD to "love another child like your own" because when push comes to shove, YOUR OPINION WILL NOT MATTER. and that right there i think is the hardest part.

jojo68's picture

Submitted by jojo68 on Wed, 08/17/2011 - 10:21am

OMG...I know how you feel. Probably my lowest moment was at SD11 birthday party...We had party at pizza joint like Chucky Cheese. BM came to the party. I made all the arrangements for party, got the cake and organized the whole deal. We had a private room with a hostess in the room who was making balloon art and doing face painting...apparently SD had asked the hostess to make a butterfly for her mother but wasn't specific enough because the hostess gave me the butterfly (it was very pretty and I was glad I got it). Later on when SD asked her mother where the butterfly was she told her that the lady gave it to jojo. SD came over and got my butterfly and said this is for my mommy.

Hugssss to you..I can't offer you much else but understanding!

Maleik's picture

Submitted by Maleik on Wed, 08/17/2011 - 10:48am

Hi! Thanks for all your comments.

Just to explain a little bit better is not that I'm expecting things in return but is so hard when my husband and his family is supporting me to keep improving his sons life together as a couple, but I really don't think is necessary to hear from him that I'm not the mother because I already know.
I do all those things because I want to but is a very difficult dynamic specially when it comes from your husband and knowing that you don't have kids of your own.

Is like the other day he said to me basically because I don't have babies of my own I don't have a clue of how things are but what about dealing with his son that prefers to stay at our house and I'm the one that has to take care of him. So that doesn't count at all in some ways?

I feel that problem is always going to be there and I'm really hurt.

Thanks

Maleik's picture

Submitted by Maleik on Wed, 08/17/2011 - 12:14pm

Well when you are losing your identity and you are giving more than 100% to everybody and you realize that at the end you don't have the support specially from your husband is a wake up call. Then at that point I step back, look around and I'm asking to myself what is happening here.
When the person that you love doesn't value and make you feel inferior of course I'm not going to be happy.

Is it bad to think about yourself when you feel drained and realize that things are really not working in a good way? I dont have issues with his son is more about my husband and the fact that he is saying mean things that really hurt only because Im not a mother. "That is my real issue"

asheeha's picture

Submitted by asheeha on Wed, 08/17/2011 - 3:29pm

It was incredibly insensitive of him to say those things to you. I cannot have children as well and that alone is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. It is a pain that never fully heals.

Would he be willing to hear how incredibly hurtful that is to you? I wonder if he felt you were attacking his ability to parent and lashed out?

I know my DH feels I attack his parenting and I probably do sometimes. He's just unbelievably humble and receptive.

I would talk to him after you both have cooled down and find out what triggered your responses and try to find a better way to address problems that avoid pushing these emotional buttons.

Also, I think you've received some really great advice. I feel the same way. I had a great life, full of all sorts of things, but when I met my DH and my SKs everything all at once revolved around them.

Find yourself, take a break, do something you used to do, my DH hates this, but I went from one to 4 and that requires a bit of adjustment. If you need some alone time or girl time take it and don't feel bad about it.

I think every caring SM has to learn that she has to let go and not worry about what the kids wear, if they pick their nose, don't wear shoes, or even brush their teeth.

It's really hard to fight the bios. My SD9 can't read. I talked my DH into getting SD9 a reading tutor, well, BM used the tutor as a personal homework helper instead of an additional reading study session. BM said the reading tutor wasn't doing any good...that she (BM) was doing a better job without her (tutor)...hmmm I wonder why.

I'm an English major, the SD9 can't read past a 1st grade level and she's going into the 4th grade. I cannot tell you how frustrated I am, but I am not her mom or her dad, I have to let it go. Will it hurt SD9, yes, but no amount of worrying or giving ideas, will change what the BM does or doesn't do.

You have to get to a place where you allow them to make their (BM and BD) mistakes. Unfortunately, it will be at the child's expense and they (the children) will turn out to be more like the BM or BD than you and that has to be ok.

I know this isn't the happiest advice and it feels like such a loss but you will probably not feel so drained if you let go some.