Kids ARE important, but paying attention to each other so you can set a loving example for the kids should be positively #1.

^^^This! I totally agree that children's needs absolutely need to be met. However; this does not mean that they come first allllllll the time. If parents/stepparents can't present a united front and show the children what a healthy and good relationship looks like, how are the kids going to benefit?

I absolutely believe that a MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP comes FIRST!

Two people are coming together to join their lives and themselves (hopefully) forever. That should come first. Period!
Children are a product (for lack of a better word) of a relationship/marriage. They are to be cared for, taught morals, values, respect, provided for, etc. they then grow up and move on with THEIR OWN LIVES...and what is left? You guessed it!!! The MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP...the two people that came together to live and have a life together.

I believe what I read another poster put on this site:

Marriage = #1 Priority
Children = #1 Responsibility

Plain and simple. That is how I feel about that bs that "kids come first"!!!!

I will never understand why a person who feels the relationship comes first will remain with someone who feels his/her kids comes first.

I don't think any one or anything should always take a higher priority than anything or anyone else.

A lot of people on this site feel that the relationship should always come first. I have to disagree. When I hear people say that my mind always goes to those news stories where the boyfriend has abused the kids, sometimes to the point of killing them. And the mom just focuses on her relationship and puts it before the wellbeing of her kids. And inevitably she stands there and defends the acumen bag to the.media saying how she loves him.

Or my mind goes to those parents that have an endless string of partners that they drag in and out of theory kids lives. Wanting to be in a relationship and not giving a crap about how it affects their kids.

But.... Going too far in the other direction is nothin.g but problems as well. No good comes for making the kids the center of the universe and letting them call the shots.

There has to be a balance and give and take. I will honestly say though, push cakes to shove, I will chose my kids over my husband any day of the week. It's not even a hard choice. When I gave birth to those kids it became my responsibility to raise, love and protect them.... And do what I have to do to help them reach their full potential. That is the one thing in my life that I will not fail at.

I've heard the rationale on here.....well, the kids grow up and move out, but ill be here forever. I see it as... These kids will always be my kids and I will always be their mother, but relationships come and go.

Kids Come First should be addressed to the divorcing parents so that they get over their conflicts and not drag their kids into the battle. Kids' interests come first: they have a need for a stable home, for being taken care of in many ways, and not much of a voice in decision making - esp. after the divorce. The second marriages that include kids should still impart values, and the value of ME and MY Wants Trumping Everything is not high on my list.

I agree with what you are saying. I believe that you should strive to give a kid the best life possibly and stability but without happy adults there can't be stability. 

My SO works offshore while he's gone I'll find stuff for SS and I'll ask how he's doing etc but that time is built on us missing each other and many in depth talks about solely US. Other talks are what  needs to be done in the house to make it better for SS. I hate his job but it forces us to talk about everything.

When he is home 15/21 days we have SS and even though he becomes a major focus we still have "our" time set aside when he is there to work on us and keep the adult stability that is needed. We also have a weekend that is our weekend where we go on a adult date to keep our relationship renewed which makes it easier when SS is around to not feel the tension of who is supposed to be "first" and rather focus on what will help SS become the best man possible and then help us be the best parents.

 BM says she doesnt bring men around him but I think it is a lie because everyone once in a whole he'll have a new 'buddy'. Even if she doesn't she is a nut job and provides no stability she lives off of CS and cries almost everything, so I feel my obligation to stability is higher than most.

And couple of weeks ago she made a comment that along the lines of kids come first and stated "If I had a boyfriend he would stand in line for me and let me sped time with my son, and if he had a problem he wouldn't be around". This came from sports pictures for the local YMCA where SO and I stood in line not only to for our pictures but hers too (long story but we have a notarized contract for repayment) and she took SS and left us to do the work while she had fun with him. This not only pissed myself but SO off aswell and his response was 
1. He didn't want to pretend to be a happy family over there with her 
2. It wasn't my job to stand in line and be used (which I offered several times) 
This showed me how not only how backwards she was on the 'kid' comes first yet any other time it would have been all about her and she would come first. 

I was happy he stood up for me though and even with offering to let SS first he realizes that there needs to be a sense of equality - and there is a right and wrong time for the kid to come first.

IMO, every person in the family is important. There are times the husband and wife should and must come first.

There are times the children should come first because of health reasons, responsibility etc.

The children's thoughts, ideas, decisisons should never come before the other spouse.

The ultimate goal is that every person in the household should feel loved, secure and safe. But the husband and wife should be a team together, their relationship needs to last long after the children have gone on with their lives.

I don't know who came up with the mantra "Kids come first".
Probably the same idiot who said wait six months to a year before you meet your SO's kids.

I waited a year before I met my BF's son. By that time I was soooooooo in love with BF, I didn't want to admit that his son was a little terror. I stuck it out another year before finally calling it quits. If I had met the son in the first few months of dating, my judgment would not have been clouded by emotions and would have realized the relationship was not going to work.

I think 'Kids come first' should be replaced with 'Kids should be seen and not heard.'

If you read my bio, I'm the matriarch of a nuclear family. (SS36 is my nephew). I have always put my kids first, and so has DH. (I never watch Dr Phil or Oprah, I'm an old time Phil Donahue fan)You only get them for 18 years, actually my 2 oldest went to college at 17. Now that we only have DD12 at home, we have a lot more time for each other, and we are enjoying it emmensley. Knowing that we have and will always do the best by our kids. Maybe this approach is old fashioned but it worked for us- our family is close and happy.

Caveat: "doing the best" by our kids isn't enabling or preventing them from falling on thier faces if they need to.

You can't strictly enforce any type of heirarchy as to who comes first, second, third, etc.

It's a situational argument, at best.

If skid falls and is obviously hurt and requiring medical attention, I would not ignore this just because DH and I had previous dinner plans.

If skid is throwing a temper tantrum because we won't take her to the movies with us on our date, I would leave her home as planned.

Everyone should feel loved, secure, and valued in the home. By saying your spouse always comes first is telling the kids they will always be second; or vice versa. It's just silly to me, because we all know it's rarely the case 100% of the time.

Hear hear!

The marriage should come first!

My DH always put his kids first even when I was fighting for my life. I hate him for it to this day and resent the hell out of the kids.

Our marriage counselor said indeed THE MARRIAGE/YOUR SPOUSE comes first and then your children.

I'm worried for the World when this generation of kids grow up because they think they are special. I've never seen more entitled or lazy human beings. It's pathetic and disgusting.

My children were adults when I married DH but I let them know that DH comes first. I told them I love you, please try to get along with DH for my sake even if you don't agree. They are excellent!

I also told DH don't try to keep me from visiting my children. I will visit them with or without you. He is very good about this.

I have put my marriage first but my children were raised to show respect to adults and are very respectful to DH.

SS17 thinks that he should be DH's priority (over me)because he is his child and a minor and has told DH that several times. SS is an entitled lazy brat that thinks what he thinks and wants should always come before everyone else in DH's world.

The "kids come first" supports don't understand what entitled brats they are creating.

That's never true with any traditional, 2 parent family yet it gets imposed on "single" parents.

With my now x-H, when we first got married his priority was our marriage which set a solid example to his two sons about what a husband/wife relationship was suppose to be. They certainly didn't see that when their parents were married. And SD (who was from a casual relationship he had as a teen) has never been part of a normal 2-parent family. His priorities before everything feel apart were his wife, stepson and providing for his kids from previous relationships.

Then he started family therapy sessions with my then SD, had several recommended books from the therapist about fatherhood and then everything was turned upside down.

I had a major medical procedure and needed my husband's help. Where was he? Visiting SD because he wanted to prove he was super supportive dad seeing her do a presentation in theater class.

Why did he go? Because he felt that SD, SD's therapist and SD's maternal relatives would judge him to be a bad father if he didn't go.

He was taking unpaid time off from work to go visit SD as well. It used to be men were judged good fathers by working and providing for their families. My dad never went to any of his kid's sports or school events. My mom did all of that. But he worked his tail off to provide for his kids, send most of us to college. But still men are expected to pay CS but also then cater to their kids whims and follow them around like their fan club.

I completely agree when I first started dating my now DH everyone told me I should never expect to be first, ya know since he already had a daughter. Being naive I went along with this, until I realized that you can't have a solid family if the parents/stepparent don't have a love and respect for each other. Plus I think it's good for kids to see a working relationship so they require the same respect when they grow up.

I am with you 100% on this one! The idea that kids should always be put first is just disturbing. That idea is creating a bunch of spoiled, entitled brats- and who wants to raise a spoiled brat? Not me. This idea is fairly new, so I am attributing it to the increase in step-families. When nuclear families were the norm and steps were rare, that idea was unheard of. Either the spouse came first or everyone was equal, but never were the kids first 100% of the time. Of course, issues arise where a kid will be given priority but that should only be with certain issues. Kids who think they come first become brats. Bottom line.

This is an old post BUT a relevant one i think ....
My husband says this is his motto when it comes to marriage but he somehow ended up with a narcissistic brat for a kid.