what would you do...
I've been with my fiance for almost 5 years. We plan to marry one day but I feel like I can't move to that step just yet.
I feel as though he needs to handle his ex and her ways before I can even move on. She is so unfit. Ever since I've known her she's never had a job. She's lived off the system and the child support given to her by my fiance. She's had a total of 5 kids in which the middle 3 are his and the others are by two different fathers. Anyway,when her son is living with her she allows her teenage son to stay out at the wee hours of the night. She doesn't take care of the children like I think she should. The kids are never up to date with doctor visits. I can say that they are fed and have a roof over their head.
Here's the thing,the teenage son has come to live with us for the 3rd time and it had been going really well since his mother moved to another state. Well she's decided to come back to the area. She manipulates and will call all day for anything. I wished she would just sum up what she wants or wants to say in one phone call. My fiance is about to deploy and I am taking the responsibility of caring for his son while he's gone.
I really just want her to respect my home, my rules and myself. She thinks I am a strict parent because I set boundaries for her son and my own son (not my fiance's). I call it structure and discipline.She used to come around my house without calling. Call to ask about things that don't even concern their children. There is so much more that she does. I just want him to handle her before he leaves. I've vented to him about my concerns either by calmly talking to him, screaming or even giving ultimatums. He's always telling me I'll take care of it but he never does. It's been almost 4 years that I've been dealing with this nonsense and I'm really tired now. I want things to change and her to understand that some of her actions are inappropriate. Now since I can't take it anymore do I just take it into my own hands and say something or just trust that my fiance will handle it? Remember I've let him know about this for years and even most recently when she left the state back in March. I'm just afraid the same BS will happen when he's gone. At the end I do want to marry him but I don't know how much more I can take.
Please if anyone can give me advice I would greatly appreciate it.
Ummm...
How does that clothes thing work? I can't get anything back we send over there. The clothes on their backs is all I want back... I even tel the kids to bring stuff back but, they are kids. Can't remember to fluch the toilet. What nakes me think they will remember their clothes? LOL
LOL evolution!
I have tried that but the Skids don't remember and BM doesn't EVER follow through with anything. yesterday Sd came hoem with no panties cuz she said BM didn't have any at her house. I know she does becasue i just had to replenish OUR supply. I don't think she ever does laundry... I always send back what comes form BM's house (trying to teach by modeling) but I never get back the stuff htey wear over there. Dh doesn't wantto hem to look like rag-a-muffins so he packs a bag for them. At least he askes what I don't care about getting back
to...MinneMom
thank you so much for your advice. I've discussed this with family members for their advice and I felt as though they never completely understand what I was going through. You have really put things in perspective.
Now though the question I have is my fiance is deploying and his son will be living with me since that's what we have decided is best(his son, his father and myself). His mother wasn't involved in this decision making and I'm wondering if we should have included her in this even though at the time she was living in another state.
Now should I have her get involved in the decision making of her son and if it is decided that he live with me, how do I set boundaries while DH is away for a year? Should we set them now and if they aren't followed have him move on with his mother?
I care very much for his kids but also I will not put up with any bad behaviors from him or any disrespect from his mother. The last time the SS lived with me was while his father was deployed she decided to take her son from me. I have no right to have him but she manipulated her son by saying she would give him all the freedom in the world as long as he did what he was supposed to. Well that didn't work out because after he left to live with her his grades slipped he was out until whenever and now he's with us again! I just am so tired of the flip flop. The SS wants to live with me. I've asked him and believe that's what he wants now but I'm afraid my "strictness" is going to get to him.
Step discipline
I am stumped. My 16 year old stepdaughter is showing tremendous disrespect to her father. I have never made her discipline my business, but she is lying to me and her dad is starting a new job driving a truck, so is out of state currently. I have a good relationship with her mom, but she has just initiated a divorce herself and is understandably preoccupied. So I am the target of her misbehavior, but not the disciplinarian. The ones who are disciplinarians are in situations that make it difficult to enforce anything. We cut off her texting for a week to create a consequence for her dishonesty, but I don't feel like the punishment really fits the crime.
Any ideas???
OOhhh Peace and Love
There's not much of that in your household. I'm afraid MinneMom is right. It's been FOUR years! He is not being supportive of your needs. My Skids have come a long way form the tasmanina devels they were six months ago becasue of rules, consequneces, and consistency. My DH has been so supoortive. Otherwise, it would not have worked. We are still trnastioning but it could have been ALOT worse if he like your fiance'. Maybe is just overwhelmed but inaction never solves anything it only makes things worse. Set doem boundaries and stick to them. He doesn't believe you.
ocmarie39
Now remember during those 4 years he's been deployed at least a year and a half.
I've seen some change in him but I love this man and really want to work this out.
What if I want to stick this out but need another solution? He never chooses me over her but he just doesn't want to deal with her so when I vent to him about my issues with her he says he'll take care of it. I get satisfied with that response and move on with believing he would but now I've opened up my eyes and realized that he just puts it to the side. I've asked him why doesn't he say anything to her. I've asked are you afraid of her or do you think that the issue will disappear and he said he's not afraid of her and will take care of it. I'm just tired of waiting for him to do something about it.
I really feel if he were to just put her in her place that she would back off.
Now THAT'S a good link!
oohh
I had no idea your DH was in the military. That changes things a bit. I had that problem with my DH as far as standing up to the Ex. He has since set some boundaries with her and just disengages when she becomes a "hot mess". I suppose if your DH did htis she just might leave well enoug alone. I can't imagine how difficult the situation will become whe he leaves. Yikes... you are one strong woman!
Disengage
First stop worrying about how his children are being brought up. You're a step-mother. You have no control here. The mother and father are in obvious agreement that everything is OK and neither is going to change.
You are not responsible for these kids. If they become bums or presidents its not your credit nor your blame. Be polite and stay out of it. Having said that you certainly have the right to be respected in your own home. If this guy cannot make his kids do that then you have the right to tell him they can't visit. He's not going to do it so just go straight to "I've had it I don't want them over here anymore".
As to your marriage this guy is obviously not going to change. Normally one year is enough of an engagement to determine if this guy is the one you wanted to marry. You've already made that decision 3 years ago by not marrying him.
Here's why you're still here - you're saying I've got four years invested in this guy and I hate to let that go down the drain. He's a nice guy in so many ways but I just can't marry a guy who does this and this and this. I'll make him change.
So lets wait 20 years for this guy to straighten up. Then you can say "Gee I've got 24 years invested in this guy I hate to see it go down the drain".
Face reality you're never going to happy here. Move on.
A man marries a women and thinks she'll never change.
A woman marries a man and thinks he can be changed.
Both are wrong.
*********************
There's an exception to everything I say.
He finally said something to BM!
Update to my entry the other day on "what would you do".
My fiance finally said something to BM. She tried once again to disrespect my home and he finally let her have it. He told her he wouldn't allow her anymore to disrespect our home. That as long as SD15 is living in our home she will have to go by the rules that SD15 follows here.
She of course tried to say that my fiance never spends "extra" time with the other SK's but he pointed out to her before you left to another state I was following divorce decree and you up and left without even notifying me until the night before. (Since they've returned here he's following the divorce decree once again as ordered.)
I hope and pray that this is the first step to having a more peaceful life with all parties involved.
We aren't out of the loop just yet but it's a start.
Hip hip
hooray! See, he did hear you. I hope this is the first step to some "peace and love" for you, peaceandlove. Good luck