What is the root of the problem?
So many details. The basic structure is this. My husband and I have full custody of his 2 boys ages 5 & 11. The BM has lost all custody, however not parental rights. She is incarcerated until June 2007. Husband and I have been together for 4 years. Married, last year. It seems that I favor the 5 year old, and I am harder on the 11 year old, however I feel that I just expect more from the 11 year old, but I am putting myself on reality check to see if I do. I know that the 11 year old misses his mother very much, however she will never be able to be a permanent part of his life, no matter how much he wants it. The 11 year old has a resentment towards me, that I just can't seem to figure out. I get the hugs, and I know he doesn't hate me, but I know he misses his mom, and there isn't anything I can do about that. He has started his rolling his eyes when I correct him on something. He thinks he is always right. He told us today that I am always yelling at him. (I stress my voice, but didn't think it was yelling, hubby says.. I yell.. I am going to try to keep that in check too). Today for instance. I told him to stop messing with his little brother, and as I walk away, he mumbles something under his breath. I consider this talking back. My husband thinks that if I don't hear it, it is just him (son) talking to himself, not me, and that I shouldn't worry about it. I get his point, but I still don't like it. My husband is blind, and I don't think he fully understands what I see.. ie.. son making facial expressions, shrugging shoulders..etc.. However hubby knows that I don't make things up for no reason. I recognized months ago, that I was favoring the 5 year old over the 11 year old. I think this is because the 5 year old is so happy..not affected by the situation with his BM. I get the unconditional love from the 5 year old. I think I am fair, when it comes to most things, but there is a different feeling that I feel for one child then the other. I feel that the 11 year old tries to manipulate situations into the *she's the one* problem. Shes mean to me, she makes me do things and not my brother, she took him, but not me. I feel that there are age appropriate chores, and expectations from one child to another is different. My husband seems to be supportive. He knows that I am not going to be disrespected by either of them, and what I say is what I say, non debateable. I don't want the 11 year old to resent me for being his mother. He knows the basics of the situation with his BM, but at what age do you tell them more? I am not sure they should know. .. still in the air on that one. (BM had a baby w/her BD .. baby was shaken taken to hospital. mother charged w child abuse..etc..) The boys will not ever be able to be with her again. Which is fine with me, I think she is a danger to the welfare of the children. So.. my question.. Does the 11 year old have the capabilities of manipulating his father? Although my H is not a rock when it comes to his children, we are all very sensitive to the situation, and I think that the 11 year old is taking advantage of it. Am I rambling? Stress.. and more stress.. I don't want to favor one child over the other, but I do. I have even tried to pretend they were each other, to see if it changed how I thought.. still working on that one. After this evening me and my H were talking, he understands how I feel, and he understands that the 11 year old feels that I am being mean to him. H is staying neutral, hoping we will work things out. I am sure we will, but I don't know how. I love the boys dearly, and consider them as my own. I was never able to have children. I am 43, hubby is 37.. I don't know where to go from here... Help.. anyone?
In the same boat...
I have a bs that will be 11 in a few months and I think it is a stage they go through. He can be very mouthy (yes even under his breathe is back talking to me) He tells me I yell at him all the time and I try not to raise my voice to him he considers me just talking to him yelling at him. I also have a 6 year old and the older ones just have to relze that they got the same attention when they were little too. Hang in there he will out grow it.
Rowing alongside you both...
I experience the exact same thing with MY BIOLOGICAL KIDS, boy 9 and girl 4. I think it's an age thing, not necessarily a step thing. You must have higher expectations for the older children and as the younger children grow and mature, you will have higher expectations for them, too. I have to remind my son often... she is FOUR, you are NINE! But that's nothing. I have to remind my husband that he's FORTY, not TWO, on a regular basis, as well.
~ Anne ~
Nothing can come of nothing.
(Shakespeare, King Lear)
Yes, he can manipulate at 11.
My SS is 11 and he is the same way, it is definately a stage and all things are age related as far as chores and disipline go. My SS11 and BS14 have almost the same rules as they are closer in age. But, yes, they can sure manipulate at that age and I have seen that with both boys, BS and SS.
On the favouring stakes, I don't think it's a step thing, it's about how the child treats you and his general attitude. I don't care to spend alot of time with SS but not because I hate him, because he won't warm up to me, treats me coldly and is always rude. I am sure if he was ever happy, showed me some warmth and enjoyed my company that things would be very different between us. Your older SS has been through a lot and I am sure he is feeling hurt and confused, but thats not your fault and hopefully soon he will see that. Good luck and don't be to hard on yourself, it is a hard situation for all of you.
Catch xx
Definitely the age, but
It is definitely the age, but imho there are other contributing factors. I have a 13 yo ss and I always treated him like he was my own. I now think that was a mistake. What he really needed from me was an adult he could confide in that was not his parent. He started with the talking back, mouthy, disrespect, etc at about 11. It got worse. His grades went WAY down, and he started to get into trouble. The age plays a huge factor, but how they deal with the whole blended family issue does too. You're not his bio-mom. As much as this hurts, annoys, etc., it is very real to him. He doesn't want you telling him what to and what not to do (or anyone else for that matter), but with you he feels he has a valid reason. It's justified in his mind. He may use the 'you're not my mom' if he thinks it will get him anywhere. Plus, your dh is not fully backing you up. If the 11 yo can manipulate his dad, he will. I've heard from my ss, that I'm mean, I'm not his mom, I pick on him, etc. His dad didn't always fully back me up. I flatly refused to have any parental responsibility for my ss unless dh was going to back me up 100% - that included chauffeuring, homework help, watchful eye, everything! After all, I'm not a babysitter. I'm a step-parent or I'm a roommate. Dh backs me up now.
We're still dealing with a lot of this. I *think* ss is getting better. We just had a great weekend. He's maturing and realizing that nobody is out to get him and that I love him dearly and would do anything to help him. My ss brought a lot of tough problems on himself that we are all dealing with now. Unfortunately he has to learn from some big mistakes. If he had trusted our love and guidance, if he had chosen to not use a blended family as an excuse for bad behavior, none of it would have happened ... but I digress.
I hope and pray that ages 11-13 are the worst and things just get better from here. I hope, for you too, things just get better. You have a long road. You're not alone. It isn't fun and there certainly isn't any glory in any of it. Maybe... in 10 or 15 years, there will be a thank-you.