What Do You Think?
I might have been banging on a bit about a certain something that happened. Anyway. As always I come here for advice. I always know how I feel, but I will be convinced otherwise by my partner and by the internal conflicting self.
I've been asking my partner very nicely to get her son keys cut. She's been giving him her keys, she's had to wake me up to get in, he's been waking up his brother to get in and he even came to his mum to tell her he's been waking him up when he's asleep and I've found in sleeping on the doorstep (mum probably thinks this is being considerate) Final straw was finding the door open at 12am as he's asked brother to leave it open for him, not even sure when he actually got home that day.
Thing is. It's not about keys to me, it's about parenting, it's about her telling him to go and get keys cut right now. It's about my house my rules and you will do as you're told. I ahve absolutely no idea why she hasn't told him to do it. SK1 told BM about being woken up about a week or more ago to let him in, still she did nothing.
The problem I have is this. She knows I find it a problem, she knows I have asked nicely, he even went to the hardware store for paint where they cut keys and I saidgood he can get some kesy cut. This was weeks and weeks ago.
What the hell is going on? Can somebody explain it because I just don't have a clue. Even after my outburst the other night, I still don't think she's told him to go sort it (Im not 100% about that)
I feel like I just don't matter and as silly as it sounds despite all the crap over the years, I've not been perfect either, this key thing as ridiculous as it sounds is me done. I can't leave but I wish I could pack up an leave and if people ask me it would be because she didn't get him to get keys cut. A HUGE symbol of the problems I am facing.
Why do you think this hasn't been apriority for her, even though it has been important to me, to show she can parent and her own son said it was a problem and he never complains about anything.
To get her son to get keys
To get her son to get keys cut, not her getting them for him.
This is mind blowing
This is mind blowing ridiculousness.
it's a 20 minute errand!! A few dollars!! They have kiosks that will do it!
yes I see your point. It's the straw breaking the camels back. Why can't anyone be an adult other than you?
And this boy is grown! Why does he need to be told? If I got locked out once I would trot my butt down to the store and get myself a key... how do you live with this?
I think this is what I am
I think this is what I am struggling to get my head around. It's ridiculous.
As another poster says, it's not my problem but it gets me down because she has literally no care for me in the world. I've asked her to do it and it's important to me that she follows through, not because of the keys but because of her sorting her shitty son out that never listens.
Yeah, it's the real lack of
Yeah, it's the real lack of love and respect behind all the little things that's heartbreaking. It's so hard to put that into words sometimes. I'm sorry
Some times a partner is too literal or lacks the depth to look past the "key" or the "dishes" and see what you are really talking about. That would be real heartfelt communication. That would be true, deep, maybe even painful examination of self, of each other, and of the relationship.
They would rather stay shallow
Well she does now. I'm so
Well she does now. I'm so annoyed with her getting annoyed with me and told her it's not about the keys but her inability to parent. I've just had enough now and even though I feel guilty, I've kept my mouth shut for far too long.
It isn't about keys not being
It isn't about keys not being cut at all. It's about being in a shitty marriage where you are experiencing death by a thousand cuts. If anyone asked you why you finally snapped and ended the relationship, it might sound like to the outsider that it was over keys. Only, we step-parents know that it wasn't about keys at all. It was about us being constantly dismissed and ignored and having any and all of our needs stomped on so as not to have to tell Poopsie to do the simplest thing. It's bloody soul-destroying. Then we often have spouses who make us sound crazy because they tell us we're making a huge hairy deal out of nothing. Don't fall for any gaslighting that "it's only a key." It isn't "just a key." It's waaaaaaaaaaay fucking more than that.
Yip. Death by a thousand
Yip. Death by a thousand shitty cuts between her, step kids and ex husband. I'm such a bloody mug to have put up with this crap and just accepted it as normal.
Change the locks
and dont tell any of them
problem solved
Hardworking, responsible
Hardworking, responsible, capable people can sometimes attract helpless, lazy, irresponsible partners.
And after a while, being RESPONSIBLE FOR EFFING EVERYTHING can be exhausting. At that point you start to try to implement boundaries, but helpless lazy people will push back against this change in the relationship. Often the damage is already done and the hardworking partner already has too much resentment. Only you can decide if you are at that point.
There's a chance of improvement, but you might have to get harsh with the boundaries. And even then, the lazy partner may not improve. If that's the case, the resentment will break the relationship eventually.
Stop doing everything. Allow natural consequences when you can.
Start asking, "WHY AM I RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHINNNNNG??"
"WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO DO ONE LITTLE THINNG??"
What the hell is going on?
What the hell is going on?
Your own wife is rebelling against you, like a child. Plus, she has no respect for you.
No, it's not about keys, it's bigger.
Who knows, but I'm not going
Who knows, but I'm not going to take this crap anymore. I've often thought to myself that she has no concern about me and my feelings and this key thing is the next nail in the coffin. I've been here before and there is no consideration for me, it's all about her being happy and I come way down the list. This simple thing has highlighted it. Well I'm going to be passing more responsibility to her now as I feel I do a lot. I've been expected to deal with all her baggage when I come with very little. No more. Until she sorts her kids out, passes more responsibility to them, I am checking out and that starts now.
Ive just woken her up to deal with our kids because she always falls asleep and I'm left dealing with all the bedtime stuff, it's not hard to do but why should I always deal with it. New cat just kissed on the floor and she has to deal with that. I didn't want the cat so come Monday her kids will have to do kitty litter and feeding when she's at work. When I say her kids, it will be SK1 that does it all because she can't get SK2 to do anything or doesn't want to upset him/rely on him. More and more crap is just going to be passed on.
Good for you. Please stick
Good for you. Please stick with it.
Just sent her a txt saying I
Just sent her a txt saying I won't be sorting cat out so talk to your kids and I suggest she shows them what she expects in terms of cleaning the house because I won't be doing my bit until they do theirs or are in full time employment. She needs to get a rota sorted for them, I won't be washing their clothes, I will just be making sure our kids sort their mess out and taking care of them.
Here we go.
Can't wait to see what shakes
Can't wait to see what shakes out.
Good for you!
Stand your ground. One important Stepparent edict that sometimes gets lost is : WE MATTER.
Dont forget that.
That's good to hear.
That's good to hear.
For the longest time I thought it was: WE ARE INVISIBLE.
Chatting to my partner and
Chatting to my partner and she seems to think I should ask her kids to help me out. Now, I see her point, I could, but my issue once again is she should step up and sort them out and get them to do stuff and keep on top of them not me. If it were left to me I would be keeping on top of them all the time, why should I have to deal with the stress of constantly asking them to do stuff? because that's what will happen. Because she doesn't need the help it's my job to ask.
I do see your point and you
I do see your point and you shouldn't have to. It's sounds like it's time to stop asking and just set limits.
SKs don't want to clean the cat litter box. Just put it in one if Thier rooms and they can deal with the smell and mess everyday.
Here I had to do that. SDs wouldn't wash dishes and would hoard them in Thier rooms. I took all the dishes away and everyone had 1 dish, 1 bowl and 1 cup with Thier name on it. If you wanted to eat you either had to wash your stuff or eat out of it dirty.
The thing is I would never
The thing is I would never allow it to get to this with my kids. There would be consequences at every step. Don't do as your told or clean up after yourself. No internet, no phone, no ipad, no nothing. If you leave dishes in your room, then you don't get to eat in there. It's always met with tantrums but that's what you gotta do.
Sk2 has called her a bitch, told her to F-off. I would NEVER have dreamed to have said that to my mum or my dad and my kids won't dream to say that to me or at least not yet anyway but they will have more respect.
You have very simple instructions/chores/tasks to follow, if you can't do them then you don't deserve any priviledges. It's the BIO here that needs to sort them out not you IMO, but I do get your tactics.
We have lift off.
We have lift off.
Told my partner I won't be doing anything anymore. Full time job for the skids or volunteering at a charity shop. Literally not going to do anything.
For the first time, in, I couldn't tell you how long, she is now starting to keep on top of them. She printed of a rota, it's still not as much as I want them to do but baby steps. I've told her I don't mind doing all of it IF they are in fulltime employment or education.
They are still pretty crap, it's only been 2 or 3 days but the fact she is now telling and showing them what to do is miraculous. I'm still not going to do anything and I'm going to let her get pi$$ed off with them when they don't listen to her. She even asked how to turn the internet off last night as SK2 was supposed to go repay some money to his brother but refused.
I've just sent her a txt as we're talking again
saying 'A house divided is a house that falls and that's what I feel is happening. I am not trying to be mean I am doing it for their own good....It's not going to be easy.'
She has to realise how they behave, how they never listen to her and how she has absolutely no control over them and sit around doing nothing. They, or SK2 at least, treat her like a pushover. It's not going to be easy but she needs to see how they treat her and how she lets them get away with everything. Maybe it's the lovely cat she just bought that turned her around because I'm not going to clean out the kitty litter, they need to do it. Even last night she said if you don't do it the cat will poo on the floor and that's not good for (insert my name), which I responded, I'm fine with it, I'll call you and get you to tell SKIDS to sort it out.
Baby steps, but I've been waiting for this for many many years.
I am happy for you that your SO is catching a clue.
Good luck with the progression of this improvment.