BM will never respect you.  You would of given her different  thing to make you look bad.   Your pink toilet has to go. Each kid needs a 30 x30 bed room with TV video gaming system. Ect. She has none this but you should have it,   Do NOT let BM into your home.  She has no say what goes on in your home. As you have no say what godson in her home.

Then should you inspect her home ??? 

You cant play nice with crazy. 

Yeah..... She's just being nosy. This has NOTHING to do with the wellbeing of her kids and is completley about control.  You don't play nice with crazy, you mostly ignore it.

These step relationships are extremely difficult under any circumstance. 

In honesty, I don't think it would be unreasonable for parents to BRIEFLY introduce their spouses/SOs once cohabitation begins and there are minor children involved.  I think it should be a brief introduction - like at a pick-up, at the door.  Mature adults should at least be able to acknowledge the existence of people who are going to be part of their kid's life without rancor or insisting on a third-degree.  Sounds like the BM wanted to give you the third-degree treatment, which is a huge NO-GO in my book.  

In our case, BM moved her boyfriend into the family home as soon as my SO moved out once she served him with divorce papers (without any discussion).  Her boyfriend was already involved with the skids before my SO even knew of his existence as his wife's paramour.  I once asked my SO what he knew about the guy and he said, "Nothing."  He had never met him - other than he used to see him mowing their lawn from time to time. 

I thought this was very odd.  IMO, if I had a minor/teen girl and son in a home and a man moved into the house, I sure as heck would at least want to meet him, look him in the eye and know his name.  Other than that, I'd have no say-so unless something started to stink.  

Over the years, SD used to say that her mother's boyfriend was a "weirdo" and I often wonder what that may have meant.  SD also showed troubling signs of early promiscuity, which my SO also chose to ignore.  

All in all, be glad you are getting out.  While most of us here are in bad step situations, I have to think that maybe, just maybe, there are some step relationships that do work out in the long run.   Your situation doesn't sound like one of the potential good-endings - especially if BM was litigious.  You could have found yourself involved in all kinds of accusations and lawsuits, potentially ruining your life.  Get out while the getting is good!  

If I had just played nice would things have been better?

No matter how you spin it, how you dress it, or how you color it the end result would ALWAYS be the same. You can't reason with crazy.....and guess what your BF's next GF will experience the same thing and so would the woman after that......unless he shuts are down and sets boundaries this will always be an issue for him.

The Dad only gets the kid nine hours one day a week. How terribly much can you possibly be involved with the kid?

The mother is a controlling nut case. And if this kid is obese and suffers high blood pressure at the ripe old age of seven, the mother and the mother's household has no one to blame except when she looks to herself in a mirror.

I'd spare myself any interaction with this kid and her mother. Let the father totally have the kid for his whopping nine hours a week all by himself and be done with this craziness. 

If you had played nice, as you call it (I call it catering to a controlling BM), it would have been something else. And something else. Then something else.

This is just not the relationship for you and that's not your fault.

No. Honestly, getting out of the relationship before you got married and had kids together sounds like you dodged a bullet. I know any breakup is hard, but it sounds like you will be much better off without the baggage.

No it never would have gone better, the fact that you both put your foot down to begin with, just preempted BM pretending to play nice.

Like everyone else said- that wouldn't have changed a thing.

BM is just pissed he moved on. I swear some of them don't want our DH/ SO/ BF but dammit, they sure as hell don't want them to have anyone else. It's like they want them as the fall back if their new life doesn't work out, They can always pull the "family" card to get them back. When the men move on, it takes away that fall back plan.

If you would have caved to BMs demands, it would have just given her more incentive to demand more.  Toxic people will look for any reason to be toxic.  Nothing you could have done to prevent her crazy.

i told my DH the same about his XW.  I watched him kiss her butt and bow to her demand for her to treat him like crap the second he couldn’t do what she wanted.   And her demands became more and more.  When I came along she expected me to bow down to her demands to “do my share” of hauling her spawn everywhere and playing nanny whenever they said.  I made it clear to DH no matter how I played this, BM was going to turn on me.  And she did.  Because of that I decided to never do anything for them and disengaged.   I told DH that BM was going to trash talk me whether I did what she wanted or not so I choose NOT.  Why should I spend my time helping someone who would I can’t stand or trust!   

You have no part of BM acting a fool.  She was going to act that way with anyone who your SO brought into the picture.  Stop doubting yourself and do what makes you happy!

Do not second guess toxic. It is toxic regardless.  So, enjoy your new life adventure.

involving her 2 daughters aged 23.5 and 14.5 and ss21

why in the world should i waste my precious time on 3 skids who do not respect people, pretend me and my kids do not exist, rant on and on about bio mum, walk in front of me etc. I have 2 toddlers and university studies which are a priority

i put my foot down a year ago... bio mum has now stared banning daughters from seeing daddy because i am not around... no woman or exwofe dictates what goes on in my life or tell me what i can and can’t do....

the 3 skids are issues between hubby and the ex to deal with. I find it comical the exwife can’t be effed to nurture and spend time with her kids but i’m demanded to make myself available... hmmmmm noooo

You didn't screw up anything!!  and oh how I understand you feeling as you do.  I often think the same thing.  Maybe if I had tried different things in the beginning MAYBE it would not be like it is so many years later.  But as others have said CRAZY is CRAZY and I would guess just like my situation that no matter what you did she still would have found fault with you and with more ammunition because you would have invited her into your life and she would know more about you.  

We have a similar situation and now 16 years later she is remarried, the kids are grown and she still on occasion when the mood strikes her to, bothers us!! The kids adults now and very screwed up adults at that have really no relationship with me unless they call me because they want something and unfortunately for husband not much of a relationship with him either.  

Truly sad but we stood our ground with Crazy and she won the kids and some people we know but she stopped running our life and so truly sad but the price you sometimes have to pay for your own sanity and soul.