Walked away from making Thanksgiving dinner
Hi,.
I haven't posted in a very long time but I have had quite a year and I guess just want to hear thoughts from you guys. So here it goes...My 22 year old sd is disabled. She cannot speak, she is deaf, I am her only caregiver, obviously dad helps as well but I shower her, toilet care, dressing, feeding, etc. Their mom unfortunately passed away about 10 years ago. My 19 year old sd does not speak to me, I could go on and on but it would make this post too long. My14 year old ss doesn't interact with me a whole lot as his sister tells him not to. DH does not intervene so here we are.
Holidays have always been a crap show around here, I'm sure their acting out is because they miss their mom and unfortunately it makes for a pretty frustrating holiday every year due to the acting out and passive aggressiveness.. My sons and I just pretty much ignore it.
Unfortunately, my brother passed away in June. We were very close and he was here for every holiday. He had been deceased for days before he was found alone after not showing up for work for a few days. I'm giving these details to kinda explain where I'm at mentally. The day before Thanksgiving, the coroner finally came back with a cause of death as accidental, fentanyl. He struggled with substance abuse his whole life but had been clean for a very long time and apparently he relapsed. When I got the result back, it threw me right back into deep grief again.
Obviously, I have never expected any kind of condolences from sd or ss, they wouldn't even respond when my brother would say hi. However, I was hoping that maybe they could act a litte less like monsters due to the situation. That was dumb of me. I make Thanksgiving dinner every year, they behave like animals every year. So I made sure to tell DH that I could not take their c p this year and I needed him to control the situation.and basically make sure they behave, I cannot handle any of their tantrums or crap at this point.
So the ham and turkey were done and split into warm dishes for self serving. His mom and brother arrived so I started to make the sides that are heat up at the end, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, peas, rolls, etc. At this point, his daughter and son get up and start serving themselves meat and mac n cheese and would not get out of the way so I could make the sides. Everyone else was waiting for the sides to finish so we could eat. Instead of doing just anything about it, DH starts telling his son to get seconds. Please remember, everyone else is waiting and I cannot cook as they will not move. If I were to say anything, it would blow up into a huge scene with his daughter as she is very confrontational and I really cannot handle that mentally right now. So I just walked away and went to my room. He comes in a few minutes later and asked me to finish cooking. I refused and told him to do it himself. I did go back out and socialize for about an hour or so but I couldn't take it anymore and went back to my room. It was just a really bad day and I didn't wanna make his family uncomfortable due to my feelings either.
I felt so bad about my mother in law whom I love but she does not speak english and I can't explain it to her. Basically, I looked like a big weirdo who threw a silent tantrum lol I called my brother in law today who agreed with me and said he would tell her as well. She's such a nice lady and she knows her son and grandkids so I'm very lucky that way.
So, I know this was really long but would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you!
Those ingrates don't deserve
Those ingrates don't deserve you. Nobody helped with the dinner at all? You do ALL the care for a severely disabled adult? You could use Google Translate and tell MIL. She should know.
Also, i'm so sorry about your
Also, i'm so sorry about your brother. Fentanyl is everywhere. I know of a few people who died from it, one thought he was buying a Xanax and the other bought contaminated weed. People don't always know that's what they are taking.
Thank you so much, it's
Thank you so much, it's really hard to accept. I know he didn't know he had taken it, it's so common here in the Los Angeles area.
Thank you so much. Nope, my
Thank you so much. Nope, my oldest son makes the mac n cheese and buys the pies (which sd tries to control). Nobody else helps with the cooking and I have actually left most of the clean up for him to do as it's now all of their mess anyways. I was thinking of sending her a Google Translate text to her, I think I will. I know she knows, she always looks at me when they do something and makes faces lol
I am angry for you. Your not
I am angry for you. Your not-so-D H is 110% at fault here. He was a total jerk. BM has been gone 10 years. Did he put his kids in therapy to help them cope? Why on earth does he allows them to treat you so horribly? He is a terrible father and insensitive, crappy husband. Completely unacceptable. He should have taken away their plates and told them to get out of the bloody kitchen. Get seconds?! Your H needs a Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut Punch.
And I'm willing to bet your MIL understands without explanation. Those brats were obviously in the way and already stuffing themselves before anyone else got food.
Thank you so much, I actually
Thank you so much, I actually teared up reading this. They did in the first year but sd refused to speak a word so that didn't last too long and he didn't push it any further. He's a guilty dad, actually, if I'm being honest, he's a huge selfish jerk.
I think so too, she has always taken my side in her own gentle way, thank God.
Kids can be stubborn and they
Kids can be stubborn and they were clearly still dealing with the loss of their mother. Your H should've persisted, despite SD's behavior. After 10 years? Drop the rope, hon. DH needs to parent his children: supervise their laundry, chores, homework, etc. You have your hands full caring for another one of his children. He should be doing everything in his power to make you feel like the gem you are. {{{HUGS}}}
Absolutely. I do not do
Absolutely. I do not do anything except for occasionally offer his son food if he's speaking to me that day lol To be fair, they don't really speak to anyone, they don't even acknowedge my disabled sd or my boys. His son shares a room with my son and his son refers to my son as "the other boy". He just raised 2 strange people due to his laziness. Thank you so much
Ok, there is so much wrong
Ok, there is so much wrong here on so many levels.
You are the main carer for a severely disabled adult female - that is a full time job in itself!!
This is not your biological daughter, rather she is your husband's biological child? Tell me, are you getting paid for this or just doing it out of the goodness of your heart? You say her Dad helps - but does he actually? He sounds very lazy and uncaring - the way he allows his other children to treat you is deplorable.
What are the specifics of your living situation? Do you get any time for yourself? Are there carers for your SD who come in to relieve you? Do you have a part time job outside the home?
I'm shaking my head in disbelief at all this! Imagine if you just decided to leave - your not so dear husband would get the shock of his life actually having to pull finger and DO something.
Lastly but not least, my condolences about your brother. That is very very sad. Hugs to you.
Thank you Kaylee. She is not
Thank you Kaylee. She is not my biological child, she is his with his deceased wife. No, she is like my child as well and she has to be taken care of. Years ago, her mom's family would help out with the kids but they have disapppeared. He feeds her when he is here lol I agree, For years, he and the kids were always excused due to their situation but it's no longer valid. Now they're just jerks.
Specifics: we all live together. So, Me, husband, SD , SD 19, SS 14, BS 24, BS 19 & BS 16. My 2 older BS live in the back in a converted garage with a restroom and they do work and pay rent. SD goes to beauty school and works a few hours a week but does not pay rent. That's fine though. I just wish she would act grateful instead of entitled. I work full time from home M-F and go in to the office twice a month. There are no carers that come. Also, nobody else even pays attention to her.
I say this all the time. Caregivers who are just doing it as a job get burned out typically and it is their job, they do not care about his feelings or really expectations.
Thank you so so much.
Kaylee, I just wanted to add
Kaylee, I just wanted to add to the part when you said if I decided to leave, he would actually have to do something. Before I lived here, I had my own house with my kids. He had so many different babysitters that would come to take care of her and the other 2 as they were younger. They were horrible to every single one and none of them lasted longer than a few months. Eventually, she just came to live with me at my house and he was here with the other 2. Needless to say, SD22 was not the problem, it was him and eventually, the other 2. He still could not even keep a babysitter for those 2 as they were absolutely horrible to each one. I don't think he will ever learn. Funny too, every babysitter always said that SD22 was the easy one.
I'm so sorry about your brother
I am really sorry about the loss of your brother. What a sad thing st this time of year.
I can't add to what the other posters wrote. You are an angel on earth doing God's work taking care of your SD.
Thank you JRI. It really is
Thank you JRI. It really is sad around the holidays especially.
You know what's funny? My brother used to always saying it was God's work too. Thank you!
Well played.
You did exactly the right thing IMHO.
My DW had a similar experience with my IL clan yesterday. She almost left MIL's house when my BIL1'sAM, Bovine Bride showed up with her toxic whiney make it all about her crap. DW stayed in the kitchen for about half the day to not detract from MIL's full family gathering. When DW came out to lightly socialize she was very quiet and stayed at the periphery. The Bovine Bride and my SIL planned on cooking at MIL's house. No one coordinated with DW other than to say that they would be at MIL's Thursday AM. We got to MIL's at 9AM. SIL and the Bovine Bride were not there.
When BB showed up she was bitching that she had not planned on cooking at her house. She wanted to cook at MIL's house to avoid messing up her own kitchen. No communication, excluding my DW, then bitching and moaning ruining much of the day for most of the IL clan.
I am sorry you had this to deal with. However, great job putting it on DH to resolve with his toxic spawn.
The cap on the bottle of yesterday was that DW did her magic with fresh made dishes all with fresh ingredients. Every bite that she made was eaten. The canned food based stuff the Bovine Bride made, was not nearly as popular so she had to take all the stuff she made home at the end of the gathering.
DW was very upset. After everyone had left MIL asked her what was wrong, DW tearily told her, MIL was upset that DW was upset. DW then felt bad for upsetting her mother.
DW did get a bit of a grin on her face when I pointed out that her food was all eaten and BIL1's Bovine Bride's stuff was not.
We did have a great day today (Friday) taking MIL and her sister on a drive and lunch at one of the family's favorite places. FIL's family was involved in industry in the area where this place is now. Part of it is a logging equipment museum with several pieces of vintage lumber mill and logging equipment donated by FIL's family.
FIL passed 5yrs ago so this was a special trip for DW & MIL.
The day seems to have calmed DW a bit.
Do not let the mess from yesterday simmer too long for you.
Thank you Rags. I read on
Thank you Rags. I read on here every day and I love your point of view. So now I really feel validated. Thank you!
Your DW has the patience of a saint! lol But I love how she exerts her boundaries as well. I really do strive to be like you guys.
It always comes around full circle, thst's why I try to just exit the situation and let them make fools of themselves without being involved.
Nah, I have way too many other things to worry about.
Thank you so much!
You take care of SD
And they are not kissing your feet and other parts of your body? Tell your AS* of a SO, to find someone else to take care of his DD. Your treatment ended your involvement in SD care . Get a job, get your own bank account, out said money from your job into that bank account.
hahahahaha Harry! I do work
hahahahaha Harry! I do work full time but from home so I am able to take care of her as well. I most definitely have asked him to find someone to help take care of her but it falls on deaf ears. I think if maybe just he and at least SD19 would help just a little with meals and showers when they can, that would be a huge help but it just doesn't happen. He does feed her when he's here but that is it.
To tell you the truth, I keep going back and forth about caring for her. He definitely does not deserve my help but I have been with her for so long, she just won't understand and it's just not fair to her. Especially having a stranger come in and helping her with personal care. She doesn't speak and she is intellectually, she is about 4. However, physically, hormonally, she is 22 and very modest.
I do love her very much, I just hate being taken advantage of but I don't want her to have to pay for their selfishness.
Hope this makes sense and thank you!
I am so sorry.
Just here to offer condolences and tell you how sorry I am for such an awful loss. The treatment from your family on top of that must make the heartbreak and grief process that much worse. I lost my dad December 2021 and the pain will never go away, even with my supportive family. I can't imagine how alone you must feel, especially on days like yesterday.
You have a community of people on here that will support you! How is your immediate family? I hope you guys are sticking together and helping one another.
Hugs and peace to you, friend.
Rose_Pedal Thank you so much.
Rose_Pedal Thank you so much. I think it never goes away, we just learn to deal with it. I am so sorry about your dad.
My parents are both gone as well, my mom passed 4 years ago so it's pretty much just me. My brother and I used to have each other to lean on. So it's hard.
Thank you so much. It is so appreciated. Nobody really talks about it because it's uncomfortable and then I get sensitive and feel like everyone acts like he never existed.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh my goodness.
Such tragic loss you have had in your life at (I imagine) a young age. Ugh.... bless you. My heart is broken reading your story.
You are one strong and badass chick, let me tell you! AND to be taking care of a disabled child that is not even yours, it is clear the things you have went through have made you an empathetic and compassionate person, which is outstanding, but comes with a downfall of sometimes allowing yourself to be walked on, it seems.
I heard a quote once that will always stick with me: "The most kind hearted people are the ones that have endured the most heartache. They are kind because they have learned the hard way how necessary kindness is."
Rose_Pedal Thank you so much.
Rose_Pedal Thank you so much. I really appreciate the empathy.
It seems to me once you're kind, if you rebel, then everyone seems to start screaming what a monster you are because they're so used to you going along with their agenda.
Absolutely. Kindness is absolutely free. I get so tired of the "Hurt people hurt people" narrative. Everyone is hurt. Just be nice! lol
Awww, I'm so sorry about your
Awww, I'm so sorry about your brother. You are very fortunate that your mother in law "gets it". She sounds like a gem and I'm sure she'll understand.
I can not stand it when people are in my kitchen when I'm trying to cook. My mom actually had a rule...no one allowed in the kitchen when she was cooking. Time to establish, enforce and get your DH onboard for next time (if you decide there will be a next time.).
Catmom024 Thank you so much.
Catmom024 Thank you so much. She is wonderful, I am so lucky. He actually has an older daughter from another mom who lives with his mom and his brother as well and I love all of them. They get it.
I asked him ahead of time to make sure it went smoothly as I can't handle it right now and it seems that he did the opposite. There will not be a next time. I already let him know that will be the last time I make a holiday meal. They can figure it out.
Yay!!! Good for you!!! I
Yay!!! Good for you!!! I did the same thing when my SO and I had Thanksgiving dinner years ago when his kids were younger. Literally a half hour after he brought his kids to my home and we sat down to eat BM was in my driveway to pick them up and take them to her family's booze fueled good time. I said NEVER AGAIN. In fact I'm done doing basically anything for the holidays except relaxing...I'm older and just done with it...way too much work, I did my time. My son is engaged and his fiance wants to go to her mom's for every holiday to be with her siblings...fine with me! We meet for coffe a few days prior.
Speaking to the people you
Speaking to the people you live with, even if it's only basic acknowledgment- is bare minimum for decency. I would not treat a dog the way this teen and young adult treat you. Its disgusting that they think it's ok to treat others like that.
Yeah I don't know the back story but there's no scenario where it's acceptable for them to both live there enjoying your labors and still treat you this way. If there was any justification for one family member to act like this towards another member it would have to mean something so unacceptable happened that it would be impossible to continue sharing the same roof.
Im sorry and i know how it feels to just not want to fight, it seems easier to just swallow it and keep your head down. But your husband and you need to have a heart to heart about this. If he's unwilling to fix the behavior after hearing what it's doing to you it's time to have some tantrums of your own. With dignity of course. But you don't need to lift a finger to care for people who won't give you the courtesy a stranger in a checkout line would. Sounds like the only one who has to deal with stress or discomfort from this situation is you. It's time to spread the love and let them all feel the affects of the environment they created. Put it on them to start caring for the meals and anything else you take care of, and call them out every time they are rude. Call it and walk away. That last part is key-Not arguing or sticking around for their tantrum. A lot of times arguing leaves you feeling like trash and actually builds them up so don't fight with them. Just something like "Trying to eat my food when you can't be bothered to speak to me is rude. I only feed people who respect me." Then take your stuff and walk out. Get some good headphones so you can tune them out if the try to get in your face. The only way to deal with confrontational bullies is to show them your an immovable object who won't give in and won't indulge them in the confrontation they crave. Just a No. if nothing else it'll leave them frustrated and angry because you took your power back. I doubt they become better people but they'll probably start avoiding you and get out of your house faster. Bullying you won't be fun anymore.
Dont suffer in silence. Set your boundaries and then leave them to stew.
LittleCloud9 I agree. I
LittleCloud9 I agree. I still find it shocking. Nothing has ever happened to justify this behavior. It's just appalling.
I stopped doing anything for them a long time ago. It's just not worth the headache.
They will never leave lol
IM so sorry
I am so so sorry for your loss.
I think you should have rained holy heck on your partner.
I also think you should leave.
BUT maybe some counseling for YOU would be helpful, or you can vent here as needed.
((hugs))
Thank you CLove.
Thank you CLove.
I sure did give it to him the next day when everyone was gone.
I think I should leave too. I've been looking around and housing is just so high in California right now so I will have to be patient.
I agree, I need to get more serious about finding a therapist. I appreciate all of your ears and understanding, truly.
It feels like nobody in real life gets it but most likely it's that they just feel uncomfortable or don't really care much.
I hate this for you. I am so
I hate this for you. I am so sorry. I can FEEL this! It is beyond unfair. It is cruel.
So sorry for how you are treated
California should have systems/programs in place to get help with your disabled SD. Frankly, I'd have someone else care for her. Start planning and escape - life is too short. There are way too many things to be happy about and not deal with this BS. You are a saint, and no one should have endure this pain, discord and nastiness. You deserve better. Sending hugs.