Uncomfortable Funeral
Hej, everyone!! I am in need of advice. Sadly, my husband's father is dying of cancer. Both h my in-laws are lovely people, so no issue with them. The problem is that my husband's ex (bitter, narcissistic, toxic liar) has turned her kids and my husband's sister and family against us, my son included. Those kids do not speak to my husband and no one speaks to me or my son. We have never done anything to them and, as a matter of fact, I left my home in NYC to come live in Sweden with my son all so that my husband wouldnt be away from his kids. They don't care! The mother has poisoned them so viciously and the sister went along because she was looking for a way in to hate me. After all, God forbid my husband finds happiness free being married to a shrew! Anyway, my husband is worried that those people will say or do something uncomfortable to me at the funeral. I don't know if he knows something but wants to prevent hurting me. They haven't talked to me in three years and he doesn't know what his jerk of an ex, his sister or his kids could do or say that can be uncomfortable. Adding to this, he doesn't know what has been said against me to the rest of his family.
Anyway, I could choose to not attend, since it will be a memorial because he would be cremated prior. I think I should to support my husband, however, I am not a confrontational person who loves drama. Apparently they are and he doesn't want them to behave inappropriately. Since I don't talk to them , I will probably feel uncomfortable but I know how to comport myself. Any advice if anyone snubs me or does something douchy? This kind of stuff makes me cringe because I'm like this in the least!
Thank you!!!
Go and support your husband.
Go and support your husband. Be at his side the entire time. If someone is douchy, exhale through your nose (audibly, but not loudly), sadly glance downward, and give a slight shake of your head (left/right/left or r/l/r). Say nothing. Comport yourself with quiet dignity. It's not always easy, but definitely better to take the high road and look back without regret. This is how I've behaved around BioHo for every public occasion. She looks like a complete ass every.single.time.
Prayers for you and your DH.
The only thing your DH should
The only thing your DH should say if pushed is " this is not the time or the place for that." He shuts it down. Act as if your are wearing ear plugs, but do listen so you can walk in the other direction. Look your best and give the harpies enough rope to hang themselves. They will.
Condolences.
Agree with the above. Don't
Agree with the above. Don't react or just shake your head and slowly turn and walk away. They will look like crazy trashy fools and you won't be intimidated out of attending a major family function.
BUT - if you truly, deep in your heart, don't want to go, that's ok too. Nobody should feel pressured to serve themselves up for abuse.
I would speak at the funeral.
Pointing out how FIL and MIL were welcoming to you and your child. Comment on how SOME of the family are quality people with class and character and were loved by FIL. Be supportive of your DH, but... tolerate no crap from the failed family progeny or the BM. Who is not family. Be ready to bare her ass with that if necessary.
I hope your FIL recovers and this preparation is not needed for a long while.
Lol i know you would, and i
Lol i know you would, and i would try to keep from laughing in the pew! I'm convinced the only way to survive dysfunctional steplife is to take no sh!t.
Sadly, zero tolerance is the key.
the only way to survive dysfunctional steplife is to take no sh!t.
It may be somewhat surprising, but I do not like being that guy. Though I usually do not hesitate to be that guy when I think it is necessary in response to those perpetrating the shit.
My ILs are very wary when I am present because they know I do not drink their victim Kool-Aid and unfounded superiority complex bullshit.
I am having some regrets that I did not jerk a knot in the tail of BIL1's bovine bride when she pulled her crap on TG day. She knew I smelled her bullshit, but I did not call our out publically. I probably engergized a new extended round of her crap by not baring her ass very sternly in front of everyone.
Thank you all...
My sweet FIL passed away today. He was a good soul and did not deserve all the pain he suffered. Thank you for your kind words and advice. I will hold my head up and comport myself as I always do, as a dignified and classy lady.
Im so sorry!
Im so sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss.
My condolences. Fingers
My condolences. Fingers crossed for a respectful and drama free memorial.
So sorry for your loss. I
So sorry for your loss. I agree with everyone here, and I'm glad you are attending the funeral and holding your head up high. We went through something similar with SD's wedding. DH and I stuck close together, smiled, and spoke to people even though the ex and my SD tried to make arrangements to exclude me from some of the activities (including an attempt to banish me outside in the cold for God knows how long). Doing what you're going to do is the best way to handle it, and it will work out. A plus is that the BS they have fed others about the two of you is going to show itself as BS.
That is a difficult situation
That is a difficult situation.... How long you have been married to your husband is not mentioned...
I feel a funeral's purpose is to pay your last respect to the person that passed and their family.. But if the majority of the family feels this way, I would respect that and not be present. Send them a card and let your husband find comfort in his family as well. Family is there always, spouses unfortunately are not.
My Condolences
Sending you lots of positive energy to maintain and get through the funeral of your FIL with strength, dignity and kindness. Don't put up with their BS - kindness goes a long way around your MIL who has been kind - you can be a great support to her now. Hoping things get better for you.