Thinking of leaving
I've posted before about my situation with a BF whose ex (separated for almost two years now, but not divorced) as of Nov. wants him back...and the problems with his two children (17 and 20). Once again I am sitting home alone while he is out with them. I'm jealous and mad and don't want to have these feelings, but it's eating me alive and I'm thinking of leaving.
The ex and the kids came to town on Thurs...they live 6 hours away, and she calls after 9pm telling him to come to their hotel to wish the youngest good luck on his hockey game the next day. The team was staying at this hotel a few blocks from where we live. He put her off, and got off the phone, and said he wasn't going to go, and then after I fixed dinner (we were late getting home), he called her back...not the kids who each have their own phone...telling her that he would wish the son luck over the phone and she said something to make him feel guilty enough to go to the hotel. Of course it was a set-up. As it always is. It's always about her. His kid was off with his friends.
The next couple of days have been spent with him going to games and doing things with them without informing me of any of it (because he's trying to keep me from unraveling!), and now they are at dinner, without me of course because the kids won't have anything to do with him if I am around. I've never even met the younger one, and I had nothing to do with his parents breakup.
I called BF a couple of hours ago and he was evidently waiting for youngest to get out of locker room and was standing next to ex. He was extremely cold and indifferent. I called him on it, and he called me back saying she was in tears. WTF! I've been in tears all weekend!!! She has way, way too much control.
Am I overreacting?
NO! NO! NO!
No, you are not overreacting! If anything, you are underreacting! This man needs to make the following decisions...
1. Is HE in charge of his life, future, relationships, etc., or is his ex and the kids going to control him forever?
2. Does he or can he care enough about YOU to make YOU a priority in his life or is he going to continue giving BM/kids false hope, hurting you and basically failing his children by letting them believe that this dysfunctional relationship is how relationships are supposed to be?
3. What's he going to do when he is old and alone and the kids are grown, gone and too busy with lives of their own to give a damn about whether or not he's happy?
If you are in a committed relationship, then you are in it 100% of the time. You can't come and go as you please. He needs to decide what he wants from HIS life and if that includes a relationship with you, then it's time to integrate you and the kids and cut the BM out except on a limited basis and only when it directly concerns the kids. He might be telling everyone it's over, but his actions are sending a mixed message that's not good for anyone. These kids are old enough to know that divorce doesn't mean Mommy, Daddy and kiddies all acting as if they are one, big happy family. He's put himself in an awful position. I think I would have to disengage myself until he cuts the strings permanently.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Absolutely
Fearless and Anne said it 100%. Please keep us posted.
Best wishes. Jo
I agree with Fearless .... except....
I agree with Fearless EXCEPT, instead of me leaving it up to HIM to decide,....I would explain to him that I didn't bargain for this mess and that I really wasn't cut out for it ... I would throw in something like...looks like you two still have feelings for each other.... (if he tries to deny it, give examples of how p-whipped he's been lately).... then I would add that I need a break from all of the turmoil..... hen tell him, I'll call you in a week or two..... when I DECIDE what I WANT to do...... That puts YOU back in control of your own life, which is the way it should be anyway....
rae
are you sure she said something to make him feel bad? maybe the problem is the boyfriend still has feeling for the wife. why are they still married if his is 100% over her? i would talk to him if he wants you tell him to get divorced and go next time and tell her to her face that she needs to back the f@$* up and quit callin your man those kids are old enough to call and tell him they have a game. tell bf if he ever does that agian that he can kiss your a$$ goodbye. just grow a nice steel set letem drop and claim your man, people will take addvanatge of you if you let them sorry if i sound mean ive been there
all too easy for the fence sitter
A DHFS or BFFS is a man who sits on the fence caught between his previous life and his new life. The worst kind have a door in-built into the fence. That way they can go "next" door when there's something cooking on the BBQ or for a dip in the pool. Then, when they've had enough, they come back to your side of the fence and sit in your "camp".
Any man who has not cut clear ties after two years with fairly old children raises a few questions. His ex wife is calling to tell him to come over becasue she is not over him. These are not 4 year old kids we are talking about.
It sounds like BFFS's days of sittin' on the fence are numbered!
I agree with Fearless, Tootsie and Anne - it's really up to you to make your feelings known. He can't have a foot in both camps. It doesn't matter if it doesn't bother him. It bothers you!
Good luck
I agree with all the ladies....
And speaking of doors tell him not to let yours hit him on the A$$ on his way out!!!
Catch xx
Okay...I have a different perspective..
Okay..I have a different perspective on this one then most of the other posters..Please understand that I am not judging you, putting you down or anything of the sort. This is coming from a person who has been Exactly where you are and I am just sharing what I learned coming out on the other side of the "seperated man" mess..
Seems to me that your boy friend is dumping you like a load of dirty laundry to spend time with BM and their kids...That' should send you a huge red flag..Complete with flashing warning lights..and a neon sign that says "Danger".. Trust me, I have been there and the marriage wasn't over..In fact, I found out later, that what my gut was telling me was going on WAS EXACTLY what was going on..So my advice is to listen to what your gut instict is telling you regardless of what line of bull he feeds you..
The issue here is that they are still legally married. She isn't even his Ex wife..She is HIS WIFE..Period.. Unless a man is divorced and has been divorced for at least two years I won't even date him...WHY? Because he is a married man..seperated or not..
That is a CURRENT marriage that is not OVER legally or emotionally for either party involved. As long as he is merely seperated from his wife then I am involving myself with a married man..Therefore I am the intruder and the interferrer, not his wife..I am intruding in HER marriage and I am involved with HER husband..
The woman that dates a seperated man, regardless of what line of bull he feeds her to lure her in, is just setting herself up for to be hurt and used.. Honestly, it seems to me that your being strung along..He obviously is still NOT done with his marriage. Other wise they would be divorced by now and he wouldn't be spending time with her and the kids and excluding YOU..
My advice is that it would be in your best interest to stop the relationship until he can decide what he wants to do..Work out his marriage or end it. Once and for all.. And until his divorce is FINAL legally and other wise don't have a relationship with him..That's the fair thing to do for yourself, for the kids and for his wife..
Hope that things work out for YOU.
I agree with Septembers child
Yes, if a man isn't divorced, run for the hills, I got sucked in too, in the middle of a messy divorce. Even after the divorce, the ex wife needles me, and tells me how hard it is for her to see US together. In the first year of my relationship with DH, all I heard about was ex wife, ex wife family, and there are little kids involved. I am still contemplating after 2 years of marriage of giving up and getting out of dodge.....
I felt used the first year, and unloved, and then now I feel controlled by both my DH and his ex.....
EZACTLY!!!
This was what I was going to post, so you saved me a lot. Thanks!
Basically she's dating a married man as far as I'm concerned, and she is the other woman and an interloper upon this family. She needs to completely get out and not see him until or if he's divorced. In fact I think when there's children involved no one should be dating until the divorce is final. What are people thinking, more importantly what happened to morals? Also, why would someone date a man who is married to begin with, once a cheater always a cheater.
Not the issue
You sound like the BM. And she didn't care a thing about him leaving until I had been living with him a few months. Now she suddenly wants him back. I think it's just control and pride causing this change of heart...nothing to do with love.
Bu the issue here isn't that he doesn't have his divorce yet. There are huge, huge property and asset issues that have to be resolved, and it's going to be a long difficult process unfortunately, and I totally understand it. The issue is boundaries. As far as I'm concerned he didn't cheat. He had left her household before ever meeting me, and the stb ex-wife and the grown kids were told about me just before he and I joined households. There was nothing going on behind anyone's back ever.
And to give him credit, even though I think he needs better boundaries, he does share every email and voice mail message from her with me, and has given me all access and passwords to his accounts so I can check myself if I am worried. Most of the time I believe his committment to me is strong and true, but I know I not in an easy position now the that stb-ex has gone bonkers and has caused the kids to go bonkers because now they have loyalty issues to deal with. It's hard on us all, and I'm just trying to take it day by day. One day it might just be too much, but for now, I'm giving it every chance even though it might make me the biggest fool out there.
Thanks again for everyone's advise, help and support. It means a lot, even though I'm not able to fully go down some of the paths that have been suggested to me. And I know if I do have to go down a harder road, that you will all help me with it.
I agree
I agree it seems like there is still some connection between the ex and your BF. Did you ask BF why ex asked him over if the son wasn't even there? Yes, these kids are way to old to pretend that everyone is one big happy family.
My BF's ex wants that to happen (skids 12 and 17). But BF thinks it is only to make her feel better about the fact that she cheated on him and has been living with the one of the guys now for 3 years..and the skids aren't too happy about it, but they don't dare say anything their BM. So if everyone gets together and plays 'big happy family' it will make her look better. My therapist says that he should do it..for the kids sake!
V
Two stages of divorce
I think there are two stages of divorce... the legal divorce, when you are no longer legally bound to one another, and the emotional divorce, when you are no longer bound by emotional ties to one another. You can be emotionally divorced, but still legally married. You can be legally divorced, but still totally entrenched emotionally. And it's the emotional divorce you need to worry about if you're next in line to inherit a semi-divorced guy and all his baggage.
Example...
My husband was legally married to his ex-wife for nine years. There was a lot of negative stuff going on during that marriage and they separated several times. For him, the emotional divorce was accomplished early on when he caught her cheating, but he stayed in it because he didn't want to "fail" and he didn't want the kids to grow up with divorced parents. When they finally separated for good, it took almost four years to get the legal divorce finalized... she wouldn't sign because she wanted more money and there was a long, drawn-out court battle. Anyway, they were legally separated with a separation agreement signed and filed with the courts for four years before the divorce was finally granted. But as I said, the emotional divorce had occurred years earlier. By the time I came along, they hadn't lived as husband and wife for almost five years and the divorce had been finalized for a little over a year. I had him free and clear... no emotional ties and no legal ones, either, except paying child support and enjoying visitation rights with their children.
Caitlin's situation is similar, in that her DH-to-be has been legally separated and totally divorced emotionally from his ex-wife for some time. They've just been saving up to get an attorney to finalize the divorce. Rae's case sounds different, though. This sounds like they may be legally separated, but the divorce is not finalized and it doesn't sound like an emotional divorce has taken place, either. That's just not a good situation to walk into. Who wants to be the rebound girl/guy?! Not me.
I guess we could argue the morality of waiting vs. not waiting until the ink dries on that final divorce decree, but I don't think that's the point. I think the point is whether or not the emotional ties have been cut and, if so, whether everyone has healed from that and is ready, willing and able to move on. Rae, I don't think your guy is there yet. When he's more concerned over her tears than yours, well, what does that tell you? I really think you need to step back. You can see if there's a chance for you later on, once he's cut all emotional ties with her and the divorce is finalized. Right now, though, I think you're in for a whole truckload of heartache. It's one thing having to share our money with the ex, but we shouldn't have to share his heart with her.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Thanks!
Thanks everyone so much for your support!!! I actually did have a bag packed and was going to leave, but just can't do it...yet. And hopefully never. But I cannot tell you how much it helps to know I am not overreacting or going off the emotional deep end. I showed my BF the first couple of posts from Anne and Fearless just so he would better understand my feelings and worries.
Part of the problem in leaving is the investment I made in this relationship. Of course I deeply love this man. His grown daughter from his first marriage got us together with the comment, "Dad you have got to get to know this woman...she is just like you!" He decided he should listen to his daughter and started communicating with me and we spent a lot of time emailing and then eventually seeing each other as much as distance would allow. He was separated...moved out from his wife before I met him or his daughter. We eventually decided we couldn't be apart, and decided that I would rather move to where he lives, than he move to where I live...so I quit a professional job, sold my house and purged myself of most of my possessions, turned in my car, and moved thousands of miles from where I had spent most of my life. I love it here, and I love him dearly, and we had a wonderful, amazing summer and fall. It wasn't until around Thanksgiving that wife decided she wanted him back and started sending emails begging him to come back and started alienating the kids (who were previously ok with me). She also tried to get his mother involved..but I met her over Christmas as well as his brother and they both like me, and don't like her because of the way she treated my BF during the course of their marriage, so she wasn't successful which really just pisses her off more. Before Thanksgiving, she just wanted money, and had little contact with him other than that. My BF now has to deal with the heartbreak of his kids as they are witnessing their mother's breakdown, and he just doesn't want to hurt her any more than he has to, or hurt me. Of course, I don't agree with some of his decisions. And they hurt me greatly.
Oh well. The ex is back to her home...six hours distant from us...I am living with him, and have him home every night, and have him every weekend...and he is trying to start limiting contact. He is turning off his phone at night, and will continue to do so after he calls his kids on their cell...not hers. And we have discussed the next time something like this comes up, and have agreed (for now at least
that I will be with him next time. He won't be going off without me if she (stb ex wife) is involved.
Thanks again everyone....you really helped me through a very difficult weekend.
Glad you are feeling better.
Hang in there Rae. I love this site. Keep us posted.
Rae....
you poor thing, no you are not overreacting...your feelings are natural. your bf really needs to stand by your side and include you when they are out even though his kids don't want you around they are just going to get use to it. your BF is the one that has to discipline them about that. he also needs to let bm know that he will not fall into her sad stories for him to go do what she wants him to do and use the children. if he can't change the situation for your sake then yes i would leave him too if that was happening to me.
-happy mom
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