Is there a future here?
There are quite a few situations like mine, but each has unique challenges. This is my first post, so any advice is greatly appreciated.
I (37 M) have been with my GF (34 F) for around two years, living together for about nine months. She has two kids (son is 6, daughter is 5), and I have a BD who is 10. Her ex-husband abandoned her and the kids when her oldest was about 2, and she hasn't heard a word from him since. Her family is a mess, so she has the kids 24/7.
Before moving in, we lived about an hour away from one another, so we thought it made the most sense to have her move in with me. I split custody of my daughter 50/50 with her BM and cannot leave the city I am in without going back to court and risking custody issues. Long story short, the kids have been a part of our relationship from the get-go, and I was okay with that. I got to know them very well before we moved in together and was happy to be a father figure to them as theirs was nowhere to be found.
I had initial concerns with them but could look past them because they were kind kids who wanted a dad.
Fast forward to today, and I am not sure if this wasn't a mistake. My girlfriend and I have an excellent relationship, and I am crazy about her. She has been through a lot in life yet wakes up every day with a smile and works her ass off to give her kids a life she never had. I have tremendous respect for her and her attitude.
That said, I am having a tough time with her kids. They are both loud, overly needy, whiny, fight all the time, rude, immature for their age, addicted to iPads, and completely TRASH my house. They both still wet the bed, wake up in the middle of the night, randomly scream, follow me around like lost dogs, and never stop talking. My daughter is the complete opposite of them. She is bright, well-behaved, well-mannered, and genuinely a joy to be around. The kids trash her room, steal her things, blame her for something they did, and never respect any boundaries she sets. My ex-wife and I do a week-on, week-off with our custody arrangement. After my BD's last week with me, she told me she doesn't look forward to coming to my house anymore.
My GF tries hard with them but has single mom guilt and caves to them more often than she should. We have had discussions about this, and she asked if I could step in and be their dad before they moved in. I thought, "no problem, I'm a dad and would love to make a positive influence on their lives."
This brings me to today. I am starting to grow very impatient with them. I don't enjoy spending time with them, and like my child, I cannot catch a break from them. I have a "man cave," but when I disappear, one of the kids follows me and never lets me get some time to myself. My daughter doesn't feel comfortable in her own home, and neither do I. I've had to bring in a house cleaner weekly because these kids are hurricanes, and the house becomes unbearable. I only recently realized that I am not sure how long I can put up with this. For the first time in my life, I found a person who I go with perfectly, but her kids are a nightmare. I, of course, am straddled with guilt because I thought this was something I could handle. I had been around them enough to know their quirks and issues but greatly underestimated how much of a handful they really are. I work a highly demanding job that requires a great deal of focus and energy, and I am exhausted by the end of the day. Now, I look forward to going to work, as it is my only respite at this current juncture.
I've had a few conversations with GF about this, but she gets very defensive. Talking to a person about their kids is a very touchy situation. Especially in her case. I guess I am writing this post to seek some advice and to vent. It would really hurt to give up on our relationship, but I am unsure how much more of them I can deal with. My GF relies on me and looks at me as a great father for her kids, and I would hate to be another person who lets her down. I wish to be a father figure to these two, but my sanity and overall health have been significantly impacted. I always try to have a positive attitude and be optimistic, but I was in an unhappy marriage for 11 years and promised I would never do that to myself again.
Thanks in advance for any advice. It has been a blessing finding this site and seeing that many people like me have similar issues.
Its not your responsibility
Hi Double00ton,
You are finding yourself in the very same situation as many women on here. The bioparent either isn't willing or able to provide parenting to their kids, so it gets put off onto the step parent. When the stepparent complains, they are the bad guy.
Don't fall into this trap. Talk to your girlfriend about how you feel. Couples therapy might help her realize how unfair this is to you. Or, it might not. I guess that depends on how much you like her, as to how much you want to try to work this out. Unless she changes how she parents these kids, they will continue to be out of control. She needs to step up.
She gives them a life she
She gives them a life she never had. That's the issue right there. She is parenting them thru the lense of a child not a responsible adult. As a child you want all the things you never got so you think if you give your children everything you wanted your golden. What is missing is the true parenting. That involves discipline, structure, chores, all those things kids hate but make them into productive adults. Parenting differences are hard to overcome and if they are rooted in a childhood lacking in parenting, it will be practically impossible to overcome. If she is parenting out of guilt from an absent father, it will be hard to overcome. She needs parenting classes and therapy to deal with her baggage. You invited her into your home to keep your daughter. That decision is now driving her away. Is that was your girlfriend wanted?
You have a mental disconnect in thinking your girlfriend is great and then describing her terrible parenting. If she is so great, why is she letting her kids ruin your home and drive you and your daughter away from your home? That's a lack of respect for you. She's not the complete package you think she is. Can she change it? only if she wants too and is willing to do some hard work in therapy.
There is no magic wand that can make this go away. An ultimatum and holding her feet to fire to parent is needed. Is that what you want your relationship to be ??
Counseling
Everyone is recommending counseling and I agree. However, I've observed therapy only works if a person is willing to admit mistakes and wants to make a change. You'll undoubtedly want to discuss going to couples counseling with her but if she's unwilling to admit any mistakes and doesn't really want change, its unlikely to help. Some of these guilt-syndrome parents don't think anything needs improvement and just want their mate to adjust their expectations.
I hope your GF really hears
I hope your GF really hears you and is willing to make changes. She has to make up for 6 years of lazy parenting by providing consistent discipline and guidance, and for goodness sakes take away the constant access to screens. It's a hard thing to do.
BUT imagine the consequences. If you think an out-of-control 6 year old is hard to manage, imagine when he's 16.
Seriously this situation will only get worse, far worse, if action isn't taken NOW.
What I find most disturbing
What I find most disturbing in your post is how this is affecting your relationship with your BD. In your position, I'd resolve the loyalty conflict in favor of BD and work toward moving your GF and her kids out on a schedule that is fair and reasonable. You don't want to lose your relationship with your BD over this relationship that doesn't sound very happy due to circumstances that you probably can't change.
+1,000!!
Your most important fatherly role is to YOUR child. You must make that relationship a priority over your GF's kids. Do this NOW before you permanently hurt your BD to the point of no return.
Tell your GF that by a certain date, she and the kids must move out. Tell her that you wanted it to work but your first priority must be your own child - just as she should make her kids her priority.
Then have a good heart-to-heart with your daughter and tell her that you meant well, but you now understand that GF and kids are not a good fit and they will be moving. When you have your 50/50 time with her, make her your focus, do as much as you reasonably can outside the home or just spend time with her in your space/man cave without GF and kids around.
Thank you for the advice.
Thank you for the advice. You said what I was thinking all along but was questioning those thoughts.
My daughter and I have always had a unique bond, but I get so invested in how the other two are acting that it makes me irritable with my kid.
I will be having a heart-to-heart with the GF soon. My intentions were always good, but phew, it has been a whirlwind and a real-life lesson.
Appreciate all the advice, everyone!
100% Agree
Don't feel "bad" or "guilty" - YOU are not the guilty party! Your GF is!
Having the same parenting style is absolutely essential.
Remember that when she moves
Remember that when she moves out, it doesn't have to end your relationship. You can still keep dating from separate homes.
If the relationship with your
If the relationship with your girlfriend is great and worth working for, I would pursue counseling while also having her move out with her children until she can learn to parent and get them under control. If she's not willing to do those things, then I don't think the relationship is worth it. Your relationship with your daughter and your daughter's comfort in your home (not to mention YOUR comfort in your home) needs to take priority.
YEP
The kids do not sound too bad, actually. You do not have a kid problem, you have a partner that is not parenting problem.
And now your bio is trying to remove herself from the situation because she is feeling trapped while at your house.
For now, temporarily, you can invest in locks. And the housecleaner is a good idea. Take away screens. Encourage them to do chores.
But yes, moving out might just be the way to go.
Before moving in, we lived
Before moving in, we lived about an hour away from one another, so we thought it made the most sense to have her move in with me.
This was your mistake (having her and kids move in) and you now need to rectify it. You may have thought that you knew them all very well but living together is different than living an hour away and people are different in a living together situation.
Hopefully, she will understand that this is something that needs to be done for the relationship, long term. If not, she may not be the one for you.
She owes it to her kids to be their parent, not look elsewhere for someone else to parent them. I know you don't want to let her down, but if you can't be the best father to your daughter, while dealing with her and her kids, it's a no-brainer.
Personally, I think that you
Personally, I think that you probably need to have a heart to heart with your GF about this situation.. and what will have to happen moving forward for this to work between you.
First.. while, you can of course expect kids her age to be "louder and messier" than your daughter.. and all kids have a bit of a spectrum.. which your daughter could be on one end.. more naturally.. and hers on another... it sounds like the level of mayhem they are allowed to wreak in your home is out of control. If these kids are creating more mess than she can fix herself.. hiring a housekeeper? that's a problem.. if they are breaking past other people's boundaries.. like trashing your daughter's room? that is a problem.
I would explain that while you were OK with supporting her parenting of those kids.. and even being there as a good male role model for them in a "fatherly capacity" even at times.. that did not mean that you were ok basically being the ONLY parent to those kids. You still expected her to do the primary caregiving for her kids.. while you would be there as backup and support... but that you have your own child to raise and you are not interested in taking over her kid's parenting completely.
You expected her parenting to include things like setting expectations for behavior in your home.. keeping their rooms neat. Not trashing the living room.. respecting the property of others. You also expected her to teach them how to be good residents of the home.. how to not disturb others.. how to be part of the family unit.. You expected her to do the disciplining and boundary setting.. and you could back her up on those.. not the other way around. You also expected she would do the primary care and supervision of the kids.. because... you have your own child to do that with 50% of the time..and your job is stressful.. so you don't enjoy coming home to be forced to step in when she can't control things.
You can sympathize with her unhappy childhood experiences.. you can sympathize that her kids don't have two loving bio parents.. but that she is doing NO favors to continue to let them run wild without consequences or reasonable expectations of behavior. She is setting her children up for an unhappy life because she is allowing them to be people that other people aren't thrilled to have around. Is that what she wants for them? or does she want them to have more opportunities in life? Her lack of parenting and permissive parenting is just as damaging as neglectful parenting. and you just can't combat and overcome it because she undermines attempts that you make to improve things with the kids.
I don't know if that will all go over all that well..
obviously I would tell her you think her kids are at the core good kids that can't help that they don't know any better.. but it's her job to do that teaching.
I'll be blunt. Speaking as a
I'll be blunt. Speaking as a solo mom who raised two sons alone, and as a person who had a childhood literally from hell, and who managed to work through it the best I could:
Your daughter is telling you she no longer wants/likes being in your home because of the misbehaviors and lack of parenting done by those in your home. Are you willing to lose your daughter's respect and company? Time for a come to Jesus meeting w/ your GF.
I'm in the same boat when it
I'm in the same boat when it comes to talking to my husband about his son. He's very defensive although he's starting to acknowledge that his son's behavior is an issue. Do not feel any sort of guilt this is not your fault and you are not letting anyone down by letting them know you are uncomfortable in your own home. I refuse to allow his son to live with us because of the behaviors and also I know it would affect my other kiddos. It's a tough situation but you must be honest and if that means your girlfriend getting upset or possibly leaving then so be it. You can't continue being miserable.
Unfortunately your situation
Unfortunately your situation is probably the most common issue on this site - ie a parents who fails to parent their children, often called disney dad or mum.
You may think your relationship is great but you need to bear in mind that what your GF is doing (by ignoring the issues with her kids) is highly disrespectful to you and your daughter. She is choosing to ignore the negative impacts on you and your daughter and that is not something a good partner does.
Given how defensive she gets, my recommendation would be to go to therapy - research shows it helps enormously with blended families and boosts the success rate significantly. If she refuses then you need to be firm and tell her it's a deal breaker as the situation as it is is not sustainable. You risk your quality of life, your relationship with your daughter and your relationship with your GF if you settle for how it is now as it will not get better, only worse.
Do not feel guilty for standing up for yourself and your daughter, you deserve to be respected. Best of luck - let us know how it goes.
It sounds like your
It sounds like your girlfriend is not parenting her children. It is wonderful that you were willing to step up and help with her children, but ultimately, she is the one who needs to lead the parenting and you should just be there to reiterate rules/expectations she sets and support her. Basically, as the stepparent, it is not your job to 100% parent the kids. It's hers. I'm shocked at their ages they still wet the bed. Their behavior sounds.... stunted? Like they are acting much younger than they are. It is troubling. It sounds like she is a Disney parent as other posters have mentioned.
I think having a conversation with her is a start. But if she isn't willing to put in the work to actually parent her children, you may have some difficult decisions to make..
Please keep us posted!