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Stuck in the middle with all you…

Heartisweary's picture

I don't think many of us would encourage anyone younger that we love to ever become a step parent.

it's like all the work, with little reward.


my SD had a argument about 5 weeks ago. She is 18 and was telling very venomous lies about us, and other people like her brother. She's always been very negative. She has thick energy always annoyed, frustrated over the smallest thing. We all walk on eggshells . So we had a blow out, I called her out on lying and she screamed and go in my face. I told her to get out. We haven't seen her since .. she's with friends and homebasing at her BM .. 

we tried reaching out few weeks ago to be met with im not apologizing I meant what I said . Which was she hated me and would not speak to me. I pay for this place I honestly have paid for a ton.. my husband was paying BM child support even as they started to stay here more time for years.. 

I don't want to come between them. My fixer wants to make things good.. high road apologize for yelling.. however I huge part is enjoying peace in the house and DH is as well. 
my fear is the longer they don't talk it will damage the relationship. But I don't want her back heee .. she doesn't work, help, has shitty hygiene and I honestly think I'm done .. like I don't really trust her.. but I'm trying to be the bigger person.. but I really am struggling to forgive her lying especially. 
should I just let it be? Is that selfish?

JRI's picture

She doesnt want to come over and you dont want her there.  I'm sure you wish her well and hope she has a good life but things between you just aren't working now.  I'd step back and let your DH handle his own relationship with her.  

She's 18, it's not like she's a small girl.  Perhaps an ideal situation would be him keeping contact with her by phone.  Maybe at some point, he"d see her outside the home.   Lets say that went on for awhile.  Everyone could cool down and mature.  

In the meantime, you could live your own life in peace.  Don't bring her up to him and when he discusses her, be non-committal.  If she comes back at some point, be polite and cordial.

I've been dealing with my SD61 for 50+ years.  She has always resented me.  I've tried everything under the sun at tremendous physical, financial, time and emotional cost for that girl but she almost broke us up and still would if she could.  I've finally established a position of disengagement.  I'm happer, DH86 seems relieved and I even think she's relieved that I'm not trying anymore.

Good luck.



Yesterdays's picture

I agree. Disengage. Don't get involved at all. Let your husband deal with her on his own.  He can manage their relationship. I also wouldn't allow any disrespect from your SD. SD has told him she won't apologize and has stated she hates you so at this point, and at 18 I would say he can visit her elsewhere and not in the home. You deserve respect in the house and having someone around who says they hate you shouldn't be allowed. It's not your fault at all. You called her out. She didn't like it. She's acting immature but I wouldn't want to be around her after all of that. She has some growing up and maturing to do. 

Winterglow's picture

I agree with the others however, allowing your husband to manage his relationship with her doesn't mean you have to tolerate her presence in your home. You can insist she is never allowed in your home again. Your home is your haven, your safe space.

AgedOut's picture

Don't go chasing a dream you can't ever catch. She is who she is and your husband can arrange to see her outside of your home aka happy place. She's over 18, sleepovers are done. He can meet up w/ her for a meal, a walk, etc. but your home is your fortress of happiness and she cannot respect you and your home... she doesn't darken your doorstep until she does. I'm a pleaser too, but I've learned that pleasing myself by setting bounderies and demanding respect in my own home means I'm at the top of my 'must please' list. Put yourself at the top of your list, she chooses to not respect you, she can stay out of your happy place. And it's okay to put yourself on your lists too. You've worked hard to have your safe and happy home, don't let destruction in the door. Dad can do his dadding for his adult daughter elsewhere. 

Rags's picture

No, she got in your face. Good thing she did not hit you. Though that would have made this much easier as it would have been the police that removed her from the family's misery.

Do not appologize. If it is important enough for daddy to see his toxic spawn, that is on daddy to work out.

She can couch surf and troll for attention.  Do not let her return withouth a major come to Jesus moment where she self flagilates to everyone on HER behaviors.  Do not let her slime her way back without a clear admission from her on her lies.

Good riddance to that POS kid.

la_dulce_vida's picture

Fight your urge to fix anything. Fixing things with and for people like this is actually HARMFUL to them. It is enabling their bad behavior.

Be strong and take care of yourself. That's the most beneficial and healing thing you can do in this situation. Purge her from your house and your mind. Sage her funky-ness out of your house and get all of her stuff packed up to go to BMs. Repurpose her room.

She's an adult now and if she wants to repair things, you can apologize for raising your voice, but never apologize for having standards and boundaries.

Yesterdays's picture

I agree with everyone don't try to fix it and definitely don't apologize for anything. Don't sweep it under the rug and allow her back in without  the huge come to Jesus moment on her part, as someone mentioned. Overlooking her behavior will enable the same exact behavior.... Which is why something needs to change if she ever does want to come around again. He should definitely see her outside of the home because of how she acted and how she continues to act. The problem is that she doesn't have an issue with her own behavior toward you and that is a huge problem. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

When the trash takes itself out, why would you try to bring it back in? And by trash, i mean her behavior, not that she as a person is trash. Don't allow that behavior back in your home. Let DH handle her, somewhere else. 

ndc's picture

I'd let it be. Your DH can have a relationship with her outside of your home if the two of them even want a relationship.  It's not up to you to facilitate, and you don't need to allow an ADULT skid who lies to you and treats you with disrespect to live in a home you're paying for.  I would totally disengage.