I still consider myself a new comer here. I am constantly surprised with everyones tact and ability to not let BM get to you. After spending some time here I've noticed so many of you have the ability to not walk around angry and bitter. Although I think I am on my way there BM and her actions still manage to get my "panties in a bunch" all too often! I dont want to care anymore... I realize I always will to a certain degree. I am hoping my latest decision to never engage in any conversation despite BMs requests will help. What I am getting at is what has helped others?? You all seem so much higher and beyond BMs bullshit! I know I have gotten better just feels like I am walking around with a cloud of anger constantly. Is this normal, maybe I just care to much. How have you managed to ballance your life?
What I do know is it seems to piss of BM to no end when I am happy and living my life not engaging in her constant efforts to bring rage to min and SOs home. It pisses her off even more to be ignored and not engage in her attempts at fights. It is one of the things that has allowed me personally to live my own life and enjoy it!
There is a seen where Captain America tells Dr. Banner "Now would be a very good time for you to get angry." To which Dr. Banner replies. "That is my secret. I am ALWAYS angry."
I don't unsually quote Marvel comic book heroes to make a point, but at some point, we have to take a step "outside" of ourselves in order to see what is it that makes us stressed, angry and fearful. That's what I did. Once I recognized what "buttons" I have that - when pushed - make me fly into a screaming rage, the better equipped I became at handling those emotions. Donkeykong (SS's father) still angers me, but I take solace in the fact that SS is lucky to have both Donkeykong and me in his life. While Donkeykong loves his son, he will never understand him. I, contrarily, don't love SS but I understand him better than anyone else.
What helped me was that I disengaged from BM. She is a non factor in my life. She's basically dead to me. I told DH don't talk to me about that woman, her name is banned from my house. Don't show me emails, texts, voicemails, etc from her because I don't care anymore. Also, she is banned from calling/contacting DH when he is off of work (unless of course SS6 is here). When he walks through the door, he is on MY TIME. He needs to deal with her on HIS TIME.
Luckily for me SS6 rarely talks about BM when he's here and never asks to call her. So that helps a lot.
You just have to remove her from your life. It took me 5 years to get to this space. But I am so happy I'm here now.
I need to get to this extent. BM is blocked from calling & texting me now, but DH still tells me when she does something absolutely crazy. I told him that last time he told me something that it makes me think about it for hours and hours on end and disrupts my whole mood. I dont' think he will tell me anything else now, but we will see.
I also hate when he talks to her when he's home. It doesn't happen often, but when it does it just annoys me to even hear her voice.
Things have gotten alot better with BM being able to contact SO. SO put his foot down not to long ago its an amazing thing! However, as of late we are trying to arrange a shared parenting agreement. Despite the cost I am fairly happy it gas gotten messy enough to just deal with lawyers. I dont think I could go as far to ban her name from the house... SO and I have always had an open book policy. She is however banned from our bedroom which I laid the law down about very early in our relationship.
He has put his foor down I just mean telling me when she does something or emails him a nasty letter. I like being there if he needs to vent. What I meant is any conversation of/with BM does not occure in our bedroom BM is not welcome in our home period!
In my situation I took over the phone...when bm texts/calls it goes to MY phone and dh has nothing to do with it anymore. When I met dh, he was engaging in her constant bs. She knew just how to push his buttons and dh fell right into the trap of fighting back. So I told him that I would be more than happy to take over. So for over a year now she has been texting/calling MY phone. BM does not know that it is me. We gave her my cell # and told her that it was dh's new number. I am on dh's phone plan, and I show/tell him about all of the texts/calls I receive from her/skid. And he will either tell me what to say or I will just handle it.
I don't let BM win. Period. I ONLY reply to texts that I/we deem necessary to reply to and all calls go straight to vmail and we determine if a text reply is needed. I know how to handle McCrazy so that is why I am in charge of dealing with her. Everthing is sooo much better this way. He doesn't have to deal with her, I don't have to worry about not being in the loop and best of all we RARELY ever hear from her now. }:)
I don't communicate with BM at all. For years, I didn't read emails, texts, or anything that came from her. DH handled all of it. I was supportive when he needed me, but we didn't dwell on her or things about her. It's hard to not talk about her or the custody situation at all because her and DH have been in what seems like a constant state of change orders and custody agreement modifications; and that affects me too.
I read emails and communications now because I'm past the anger part. We're just trying to get to a place of consistency with the change order or court order; whichever way that goes.
You get better at it by continuing to do it. Don't let her know she gets to you; don't let DH know it either. Come HERE to vent, and eventually her name won't be a part of your spoken vocabulary at all
FDH and I have successfully been using the 'fake it til you make it' tactic. And it has been working wonderfully. When BM does something to irritate FDH or myself (I can usually handle it better than FDH) we put on a happy I don't care front for her... It usually pisses her off to no end, and that makes me truly happy!!
The last incident BM called during dinner (we always have dinner as a family) SD was with us, so FDH ignored her call. She repeated to call FDH during dinner. He politely excused himself from the table walked into the farthest room from the dining room, and told BM as soon as he answered 'I'm having dinner with my FAMILY, and I don't remember inviting you to call. This convo clearly has nothing to do with SD, because she's with me. And I would appreciate it if you didn't call me forpetty things that don't involve ME, my FAMILY, or SD." And hung up the phone.
BM wanted to talk to him about her BF, and one of FDH's employees because the employee was asking a mutual friend about her BF. We don't know why, that's his agenda not ours.
After that convo things have calmed down a bit with BM.I know she HATES the fact that FDH and I can be in a happy healthy relationship with our 3 girls (SD included). And that is enough for us to be happy (mainly myself).
At times I actually feel bad for BM, because I know that her goal in life is to make ours miserable, and she is failing... Miserably. Lol
We turn off ringers/phones during dinner time. It's always been that way; no one answers any phone for anyone during dinner time. It became clear to us early on that if we didn't want BM to interrupt us at certain times, that we had to take preventative actions }:)
I wish this could work at our house!! But with FDH's work he is ALWAYS on call. (He's part owner of a machine shop, so when a order gets messed up or didn't go out he is the one they call. Any time of the day or night)
But he is kind enough to put his phone on vibrate when we sit down as a family.
^^This BM has even figured out that if we don't answer we will get back to her but calling DH's phone multiple times or my phone will increase our response time.
Love this post!! Makes me feel there is peace in my future... I have noticed how mad BM is now that our relationship is stronger she does seem to be upset that we are closer. Suprisingly BM found out about a bad fight we had and she seemed even worse, ie angrier. I though for sure she was going to gloat. Then I realized this is something that more then likely happened daily when SO and BM where together. So it made her very upset and of course there was a hissy fit to follow. It most definitely made me feel some pity for BM a nice change from anger.
YES! Once BM realizes that she can no longer control SO (hopefully) She'll back WAY off.
In the beginning of FDH and my relationship (it was only 4 mo after they separated) she would call FDH just to yell at him. So I took the phone one night we were spending time together, waited for her to finish her rant about how horrible of a dad he was and blah blah blah. I simply told her(in the nicest voice possible) that she was no longer to call MY BF to beat him down. And if she had a pproblem with that then she could come talk to me, because I wouldn't take bs from her. I think that's a main reason BM hates me. I put her in her place, and this was waaay before I had ever met her or SD.
FDH never got a call from her to beat up on him again. Good choice on her part. It's like I tell FDH, I may be small but I'm STRONG!! (I'm only 5'3" at the time around 125lbs this was during my first of three pregnancies. What I would give to have my pre pregnancy body back. *sigh* but for my girls its worth it though. )
I feel like I've just learned by focusing our MY relationship with DH. BM's name is only allowed in certain situations if he is offshore other than that it has to stay about us. I do still have some text communication with BM since I will take SS lunch if DH is offshore but other than that I don't deal with her. DH will let me know what's going on but it is fair for me to shut him down if I don't want to hear about it.
Plus I think the big thing that makes her not bother me so much anymore is her true colors are starting to come out to other people, and so everything they heard about DH and I are being rethought and we are getting to show our true images to the public which makes her look like a fool.
I won't say that I am 100% done being bothered but being able to shut down talk about her, and let DH know when I'm upset so we can make it up with things about us helps.
I still consider myself a new
I still consider myself a new comer here. I am constantly surprised with everyones tact and ability to not let BM get to you. After spending some time here I've noticed so many of you have the ability to not walk around angry and bitter. Although I think I am on my way there BM and her actions still manage to get my "panties in a bunch" all too often! I dont want to care anymore... I realize I always will to a certain degree. I am hoping my latest decision to never engage in any conversation despite BMs requests will help. What I am getting at is what has helped others?? You all seem so much higher and beyond BMs bullshit! I know I have gotten better just feels like I am walking around with a cloud of anger constantly. Is this normal, maybe I just care to much. How have you managed to ballance your life?
What I do know is it seems to piss of BM to no end when I am happy and living my life not engaging in her constant efforts to bring rage to min and SOs home. It pisses her off even more to be ignored and not engage in her attempts at fights. It is one of the things that has allowed me personally to live my own life and enjoy it!
Have you seen the
Have you seen the Avengers?
There is a seen where Captain America tells Dr. Banner "Now would be a very good time for you to get angry." To which Dr. Banner replies. "That is my secret. I am ALWAYS angry."
I don't unsually quote Marvel comic book heroes to make a point, but at some point, we have to take a step "outside" of ourselves in order to see what is it that makes us stressed, angry and fearful. That's what I did. Once I recognized what "buttons" I have that - when pushed - make me fly into a screaming rage, the better equipped I became at handling those emotions. Donkeykong (SS's father) still angers me, but I take solace in the fact that SS is lucky to have both Donkeykong and me in his life. While Donkeykong loves his son, he will never understand him. I, contrarily, don't love SS but I understand him better than anyone else.
What helped me was that I
What helped me was that I disengaged from BM. She is a non factor in my life. She's basically dead to me. I told DH don't talk to me about that woman, her name is banned from my house. Don't show me emails, texts, voicemails, etc from her because I don't care anymore. Also, she is banned from calling/contacting DH when he is off of work (unless of course SS6 is here). When he walks through the door, he is on MY TIME. He needs to deal with her on HIS TIME.
Luckily for me SS6 rarely talks about BM when he's here and never asks to call her. So that helps a lot.
You just have to remove her from your life. It took me 5 years to get to this space. But I am so happy I'm here now.
BM is DH's problem not yours.
I need to get to this extent.
I need to get to this extent. BM is blocked from calling & texting me now, but DH still tells me when she does something absolutely crazy. I told him that last time he told me something that it makes me think about it for hours and hours on end and disrupts my whole mood. I dont' think he will tell me anything else now, but we will see.
I also hate when he talks to her when he's home. It doesn't happen often, but when it does it just annoys me to even hear her voice.
Omg...that is a great idea!
Omg...that is a great idea! How did DH "ban" BM from calling or texting during home hours? I think that's what needs to be done here!
Things have gotten alot
Things have gotten alot better with BM being able to contact SO. SO put his foot down not to long ago its an amazing thing! However, as of late we are trying to arrange a shared parenting agreement. Despite the cost I am fairly happy it gas gotten messy enough to just deal with lawyers. I dont think I could go as far to ban her name from the house... SO and I have always had an open book policy. She is however banned from our bedroom which I laid the law down about very early in our relationship.
He has put his foor down I
He has put his foor down I just mean telling me when she does something or emails him a nasty letter. I like being there if he needs to vent. What I meant is any conversation of/with BM does not occure in our bedroom BM is not welcome in our home period!
In my situation I took over
In my situation I took over the phone...when bm texts/calls it goes to MY phone and dh has nothing to do with it anymore. When I met dh, he was engaging in her constant bs. She knew just how to push his buttons and dh fell right into the trap of fighting back. So I told him that I would be more than happy to take over. So for over a year now she has been texting/calling MY phone. BM does not know that it is me. We gave her my cell # and told her that it was dh's new number. I am on dh's phone plan, and I show/tell him about all of the texts/calls I receive from her/skid. And he will either tell me what to say or I will just handle it.
I don't let BM win. Period. I ONLY reply to texts that I/we deem necessary to reply to and all calls go straight to vmail and we determine if a text reply is needed. I know how to handle McCrazy so that is why I am in charge of dealing with her. Everthing is sooo much better this way. He doesn't have to deal with her, I don't have to worry about not being in the loop and best of all we RARELY ever hear from her now.
}:) 
I don't communicate with BM
I don't communicate with BM at all. For years, I didn't read emails, texts, or anything that came from her. DH handled all of it. I was supportive when he needed me, but we didn't dwell on her or things about her. It's hard to not talk about her or the custody situation at all because her and DH have been in what seems like a constant state of change orders and custody agreement modifications; and that affects me too.
I read emails and communications now because I'm past the anger part. We're just trying to get to a place of consistency with the change order or court order; whichever way that goes.
You get better at it by continuing to do it. Don't let her know she gets to you; don't let DH know it either. Come HERE to vent, and eventually her name won't be a part of your spoken vocabulary at all
FDH and I have successfully
FDH and I have successfully been using the 'fake it til you make it' tactic. And it has been working wonderfully. When BM does something to irritate FDH or myself (I can usually handle it better than FDH) we put on a happy I don't care front for her... It usually pisses her off to no end, and that makes me truly happy!!
The last incident BM called during dinner (we always have dinner as a family) SD was with us, so FDH ignored her call. She repeated to call FDH during dinner. He politely excused himself from the table walked into the farthest room from the dining room, and told BM as soon as he answered 'I'm having dinner with my FAMILY, and I don't remember inviting you to call. This convo clearly has nothing to do with SD, because she's with me. And I would appreciate it if you didn't call me forpetty things that don't involve ME, my FAMILY, or SD." And hung up the phone.
BM wanted to talk to him about her BF, and one of FDH's employees because the employee was asking a mutual friend about her BF. We don't know why, that's his agenda not ours.
After that convo things have calmed down a bit with BM.I know she HATES the fact that FDH and I can be in a happy healthy relationship with our 3 girls (SD included). And that is enough for us to be happy (mainly myself).
At times I actually feel bad for BM, because I know that her goal in life is to make ours miserable, and she is failing... Miserably. Lol
We turn off ringers/phones
We turn off ringers/phones during dinner time. It's always been that way; no one answers any phone for anyone during dinner time. It became clear to us early on that if we didn't want BM to interrupt us at certain times, that we had to take preventative actions }:)
I wish this could work at our
I wish this could work at our house!! But with FDH's work he is ALWAYS on call. (He's part owner of a machine shop, so when a order gets messed up or didn't go out he is the one they call. Any time of the day or night)
But he is kind enough to put his phone on vibrate when we sit down as a family.
^^This BM has even figured
^^This BM has even figured out that if we don't answer we will get back to her but calling DH's phone multiple times or my phone will increase our response time.
Love this post!! Makes me
Love this post!! Makes me feel there is peace in my future... I have noticed how mad BM is now that our relationship is stronger she does seem to be upset that we are closer. Suprisingly BM found out about a bad fight we had and she seemed even worse, ie angrier. I though for sure she was going to gloat. Then I realized this is something that more then likely happened daily when SO and BM where together. So it made her very upset and of course there was a hissy fit to follow. It most definitely made me feel some pity for BM a nice change from anger.
YES! Once BM realizes that
YES! Once BM realizes that she can no longer control SO (hopefully) She'll back WAY off.
In the beginning of FDH and my relationship (it was only 4 mo after they separated) she would call FDH just to yell at him. So I took the phone one night we were spending time together, waited for her to finish her rant about how horrible of a dad he was and blah blah blah. I simply told her(in the nicest voice possible) that she was no longer to call MY BF to beat him down. And if she had a pproblem with that then she could come talk to me, because I wouldn't take bs from her. I think that's a main reason BM hates me. I put her in her place, and this was waaay before I had ever met her or SD.
FDH never got a call from her to beat up on him again. Good choice on her part. It's like I tell FDH, I may be small but I'm STRONG!! (I'm only 5'3" at the time around 125lbs this was during my first of three pregnancies. What I would give to have my pre pregnancy body back. *sigh* but for my girls its worth it though.
)
I feel like I've just learned
I feel like I've just learned by focusing our MY relationship with DH. BM's name is only allowed in certain situations if he is offshore other than that it has to stay about us. I do still have some text communication with BM since I will take SS lunch if DH is offshore but other than that I don't deal with her. DH will let me know what's going on but it is fair for me to shut him down if I don't want to hear about it.
Plus I think the big thing that makes her not bother me so much anymore is her true colors are starting to come out to other people, and so everything they heard about DH and I are being rethought and we are getting to show our true images to the public which makes her look like a fool.
I won't say that I am 100% done being bothered but being able to shut down talk about her, and let DH know when I'm upset so we can make it up with things about us helps.