Step daughter dependent on her father
Hi everyone I'm new to this forum. I have a question and wanted some input. I've been in a 7 yr relationship with a man that I love deeply. We lived together for six years. He moved out of my house to move in with his 25 year old daughter that had moved away for 9 months to get her real estate license in reverse mortgage only to move back with no where to live and no job. Their rental lease is up in November and my boyfriend and I had been talking about him moving back in together after he had been telling me his daughter has been looking for places to move into alone. Only to find out he asked her a week ago what she wanted to do when the lease was up. His daughter told him she wasn't wanting to move alone and financially didn't feel she was ready. However, she has had a full time 40hr a week plus job with full benefits and her employer pays for her to take online classes to better her in her job. Her pay an hour is well over $10 and takes vacations with her friends to the coast from Fridays to Sundays. I feel as tho if she could afford to do that she could afford to live on her own. She isn't in any credit debt or bill debt she has her basic bills. She has lived on her own and did so before she moved away to her moms to take real estate classes. The children I still have at home love this man that I have been dating and want nothing for to have him back as do I. We travel and enjoy each other's company. He feels an obligation to his 25 year old daughter to stay and take care of her and he mention he feels as tho he would be abandoning her if he didn't stay. However, I'm 40 and his 57 I feel as tho we should be able to have a life together by getting married. As he has mentioned. I asked him how long this would be for if he stayed and he said he didn't know. I mentioned could he give her a time limit. He refuses to talk to me because he doesn't feel he is wrong by staying and helping her. But, he does come and stay with me for a week at a time. I don't like that situation it's wrong, it's to convenient for him. What I want to know is this wrong? Am I wrong for being angry with the choice he has made to stay?
I agree totally with the
:jawdrop: I agree totally with the co-dependency issue. It's like 2 drug addicts or alcoholics that thrive on each other's weaknesses. Hers is growing up and becoming a responsible ADULT and his is enabling her to remain a bratty little girl who thinks that her Daddy owes her something!!!
I agree. Far too many adult
I agree. Far too many adult kids have not been allowed and/or given the proper tools mainly because of what took place with both biological parents. I have a situation (with a very sweet man) where the "child" is 42 (as in 40 plus 2 years) old. She's had 4 kids from 3 men, all the men ditched (she's passive aggresive and manipulative), and let me add.....has and does not work (or rather earn a living), so who is ALWAYS left, D A D D Y! The dynamics of her growing up was two working parents...father great provider (not so much a participant), mother always trying to get more participation from the dad, however she too was manipulative and ungrateful. Lots of arguing on both sides, and I know there's 2 sides, but here's the kicker......what you raise (or don't) is what you get (or not). She resents me, but I try not to let her attitude affect my relationship (too much) with him. We don't live together (dating), had to rethink IF I'd marry even though the "problem child" is over 40 (just never grew up), but moreso I need and want to feel special and not have to fight for a place. He knows this so when we're together it's pretty much less her except for holidays. I try and assure him that if he continues to enable her, he will never help her to become a mature adult. She knows what buttons to push so she is constantly stomping on all of them most of the time. I made up my mind that I would be in his company as long as he respected me. Wake up ladies. Kudos to those of you who have tried & tried and perhaps succeeded....but buyer beware.....if you are still experiencing any of the situations described in this forum.....walk (no RUN) away. It may hurt but it will devestate you more in the long run....My theory: If he doesen't make you feel special, you're not, and if you feel like an option, you are.
He is flat out dead wrong.
He is flat out dead wrong. She is using him as a crutch, in the popular vernacular its called "Failure to Launch". It's not done deliberately she's just afraid to let go and once she's forced to she'll be eternally grateful for the freedom it gives her. There are many books on the subject at Amazon.com and I've done a search for you there. Follow the link below and purchase one or more of the best rated ones and ask him to read it. Often a spouse will listen to a outside expert while ignoring a spouse who is just as knowledgeable on the subject:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_4_8?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks...
Certainly if the book remains
Certainly if the book remains unread or its suggestions ignored Running would be your next step.
"Parenting your Emerging Adult" seems to be the book of choice.
Thank you, I looked up the
Thank you, I looked up the book and I would just read it just to have the info. It was highly recommended and those that read it found it very helpful. I forwarded the name of the book to him, however, he still isn't talking to. So, ive left him be and have taken a lot if not all of the advice from these comments.
Agree
Agree
Did you hear his daughter say
Did you hear his daughter say all of this or did he tell you what she said?
It's possible he likes things just the way the are and is just using his daughter as an excuse not to move in. His kid is an adult. You still have three of your seven living at home. After living with you for 6 years, he may have decided that living separately and dating is better than living together. How old is your youngest? Maybe he's waiting for that one to be out of the house before he moves back in.
I had talked to her a few
I had talked to her a few weeks ago and told her that her father and I had talked about moving back in in November. I asked her what her plans were she said she didn't know. I told her I was wandering for my future. She said she understood. But, yes he did tell me while we were in Tahoe these last few days but I had to drag it out of him. Yes, I got really upset because I feel as tho my life is based on what she wants. If he isn't using it as an excuse not to move back in with me. "I have waited along time, I said to him, how much longer do I have to wait?!" I said things to him that I later apologized for.
Wait.....he dumped you to go
Wait.....he dumped you to go live with his adult daughter.....and you're still seeing him??
Sweetie.....please immediately go to the store and buy two things. A backbone and a sex toy. Install the backbone and use the sex toy every time you have the thought "He wasn't so bad."
He doesn't deserve you. You would be better off alone than with a douchetard like him.
Dump his co-dependent ass and move on with your life. If you need to be in a relationship, you can definitely find a man who will treat you the way you need to be treated.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your respnones. My three oldest are very much independent and successful. My oldest is 23yrs old and is expecting her first baby in December had just bought her first home and married and shes a nurse. My second child he is 21 an army ranger and just got married last week. My third oldest is 19 and moved out and working part time and going to college and has a roommate and a place of her own. None of them have asked their father nor I for help financially or anything.To answer some of the questions, my youngest is 13, then I have a 15,16 and 17. He says he loves them a lot and he and them are very close. He still meets with my 19yr old for dinner on Friday nights when she gets off of work. Now, his daughter has dated in the past. She just recently ended that relationship, he was a marine whom was a single dad of a 3yr old. His daughter nitpicked him to me as to why she ended it with him.As for the question how I found out,I was only told by my boyfriend that this is what he was told by his daughter. It did cross my mind he is using this as an excuse. But, she didn't tell her father she was in a relationship he found out through his oldest daughter that had already met him. She never introduced the guy to her father before she broke up with him. My children do however go to him for advice about everything and anything including introducing their boyfriends to him before their own father.My 17yr old had a boyfriend for two years that my boyfriend knew about before her father did. I have asked him what he wants and he has said he wants to get married not today. I thought tho we were moving in together in November. But, as one or two of you have mentioned I too feel as tho he is having his cake and eating it too. I have sacrificed a lot for him. I lost my spousal support because he told me we would get married when my divorce was final. When he lived with me I took care of him he always had breakfast in bed. He has a seasonal job and its from Oct 1-May 30 he lived with me while I paid everything during that time I never complained I always supported him and encouraged him to have a relationship with his children and grandchildren when they weren't active in his life. I encouraged him to take this daughter out for dinner once a week while he and I were living together. Nine times out of ten she would cancel.I never complained I am and was very supportive of everything. Should I ask her?? Because I did talk to her a few weeks ago and asked her what her plans were and told her that her dad and I had talked about moving in together again. I wanted to know for my future she said she understood. But she said she didn't want to move again. He refuses to talk to me because he feels as tho he is wrong but I know after talking to other people that its so wrong and he doesn't believe it. Ive told him I am hurt and upset and I feel betrayed by him because he knew what I wanted. I feel used and taken advantage of. He got upset and told me he wasn't using me.
YIKES four teenage stepkids.
YIKES four teenage stepkids. :jawdrop: Sorry, but I wouldn't move in either.
OP, the man used you. Now he's content to sit back and play house (staying with you a week at a time)with you on his terms.
However, he and my children
However, he and my children love and adore each other. They look up to him as their own father. A few of my girls want him to walk them down the isle when they get married. they all get along very well. I said the same thing to him, he used me and is playing house. He denied it. But, what else would you call it??!!
That's real bad luck about
That's real bad luck about losing the spousal support. But you are in a situation with your kids still at home whereby it's probably right to wait til they are flown before you move in with anybody. You're in a difficult position to insist that he not live with his if you live with yours, even though yours are much younger. When your youngest flies the nest, could be the moment when the pair of you start afresh.
I was a stay at home mom that
I was a stay at home mom that took care of all seven of my children and yes he did cheat on me and my oldest daughter made accusations about him therefore I got custody of all seven children. I was suppose to start the fire academy tomorrow. I disagree with waiting until all seven of my children move out when they love this and adore him and he feels the same way, so he says. In order to finalize my divorce after going it taking four years and being told I would be getting married afterwards I agreed to letting go of the money that was in arrears that he owed me. It wasn't future payments it was money that I never received that was court ordered. WE had seven children and his child support was outrageous and they could only take half of his income what he owed me in spousal support that sat in arrears I let go of. I was suppose to be getting married as soon as my divorce was granted. It never happened, had I not been told that I would have never let go of what was owed to me.
I get along great with my SKs
I get along great with my SKs (SS23, SDs17,9&7) but I don't wantto live with them full time.
Users never admit that they are using people. He has to make you believe that he isn't. That way he'll be able to hit you up for money again when he falls short.
I agree, I think that's why
I agree, I think that's why he refuses to talk to me because that what I told him he was doing. He asked me how he was doing it so I told him.
I agree with others.
I agree with others. Obviously we can't read this guy's mind, so we don't actually *know* what he's thinking or feeling. That being said, someone has a signature line that sums this up pretty nicely. Sorry if I don't get it quite right, but it's something like this -
If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse.
This guy is finding excuses - which means you just aren't important enough to him. Go find a guy who DOES make you a priority. This guy is not The One.
I agree with you. When I
I agree with you. When I asked him if what I wanted mattered, he responded to me by saying he was troubled with the decision knowing what I wanted and what his daughter wanted and him feeling as tho he was abandoning her when she needed him. I think that's crap because she has a full time job to be self sufficient and independent. As you said you all don't know what he is thinking and feeling apparently neither do I. Ive asked him several times he said he wants a relationship and wants to get married and live our lives together but I guess he first feels as tho taking care of his 25yr old daughter is his first priority and I will always be there accepting everything he is only willing to give me. He does have two past horrible marriages that he uses as excuses. I am nothing like his ex's. Im not perfect I have flaws I do however try to make the best decisions I can. He has told me im important to him and wants to be with me also loves me and cares about me. But, I wanted to know if it was normal, right or what ever for his decision to stay and help provide her with a home while carrying on a relationship with me or was I getting upset for no reason. I raised my three oldest to be responsible and independent adults and I will continue to do the same with my four I have at home because as parents that's what we are suppose to do,right?! SO, I feel he should do the same and the both should grow up and live separate lives and visit one another as I do my children.
Yah, my instincts too. I was
Yah, my instincts too. I was just hoping I was wrong. Thank you so much for your insight. I completely agree with you with the things you said.