I think you need a new therapist. If you want the marriage to work your spouse is #1.

At different times, my DH comes first, my DD, comes first, my job comes first.  You have to roll with the punches, now all of those are important to me

Your therapist is an idiot.

there is abundant evidence that nothing ruins a kid faster than being raised to believe the world revolves around them.

Yes you need a new therapist and one that particularly specializes in blended families and actually knows what the heck their talking about. I'd personally prefer a therapist who is actually a step parent. People who are not in your situation will not and CANNOT relate. Their role is to be neutral and objective, give you tools to deal with your situation NOT tell you who goes 1st.

Actually I agree with the therapist, HOWEVER, that doesn't mean cater to their every whim. My relationship, my man is sooo important to me. But if it turned out he was harming my son in some way (I don't mean occasionally stepping on his toe or occasionally making the wrong call), he would have to go. That means my son is always number one in that sense. 

But does that mean that he gets to choose what tv we watch or where we go or tell my partner what to do or disrespect him? No. Does that mean that my son's whims are more important than my partner's whims? No. No it doesn't. I'll prioritise my partner. My son's NEEDS are more important than my partner's whims - but my partner knows that too. His sons' needs are more important than my whims. That's totally cool. If an adult and a child have conflicting needs then we assess. 

Children are first in the sense that they require care and cannot be without the parent. That means that they come first when their well being and care is concerned. It does NOT mean you don't put your marriage before kid ever. You do not allow your kid everything they want and to always have their way to the detriment of your marriage. Either her wording is horrible or she has a really horrible view of how things should be.

Idiot therapist. Find one with a brain. It is not easy to find a decent one and it takes a lot to pick through the pool of  pseudo science morons to find one that is worth a shit.

smh

I'm writing as someone who has just been dumped because my OH has decided the solution to the damage caused to all of us by his self-obsessed, toxic and deranged SS20 who began his vendetta of bile after my OH stood up for me against him once, is to let him know he has won in his conniving, jealous plan to destroy us and announce to him that he is, indeed, number 1.

What do these people mean by Number 1? I prefer to think of people as individuals who should treat each other with kindness and care. That goes for SKs too, to their own blood and to the poor sod/soddess who partners with their bio parent. Somehow, so many SKs seem to be excused from this basic decency. If someone treats another poorly, with evil, with nastiness, in dealing with that, I don't believe it should matter if they're a SK, the partner, or a damn stranger: their poor actions should be called out for what they are, criticised and told in no uncertain terms it will not be acceptable again. Call it taking sides, call it whatever, but it  shouldn't go unchallenged. If it's the partner whose side is taken because the SK is in the wrong, so be it. There, the SK doesn't come first you could say, and rightly so.

The SKs will always be family, and with that comes responsibilities and allegiences, and of course they become a priority in life. But I don't believe they should be *the* priority, nor Number 1 no matter how disgusting they behave.

Sack the therapist.

Without further clarification as to exactly what the therapist said and the exact context of the statement, I can only conclude that the therapist is an idiot.

I would suggest you research the pitfalls of child-centric marriages.  There's plenty of information out there.

Then find a therapist who has personal experience with a blended family situation or has been specifically educated on issues concerning blended families.  This is still a fairly new area of psychotherapy.  A good therapist will be continually adding to their knowledge base and field of expertise.  You have to ask the right questions of the therapist to determine their level of knowledge/education in areas that are impacted by societal changes such as increased divorce rates and dysfunction in broken-blended families.  

I would ask your therapist what she/he means by the skid being # 1

I say that because I believe that parents including step-parents should put the needs of their children/step-children first however I'm not so sure that makes the child "number one" and if it does, then what does being "number one" mean?

To me that means if you bring a baby in the world they're your #1 responsibility and their needs: food, shelter, love, education, etc.. is something as a parent you're responsible for and shouldn't ignore those responsibilities, ever

As a step-parent, if you meet someone with childrren then this means you also put the children's needs first...

But what does that mean specifically?

So many people I think confuse putting kids/skids needs first with somehow only being allowed to love them, or love them best, that whatever the child wants they get, the world revolves around them, everything is about them

Its not

And it doesn't

This is the confusion my OSD always seemed to have with it too

She was always clear that she should come 'first' in other words above me

She worded it more precisely like this to DH "SHE (meaning me way back when DH & I were a few years into our relationship, considering marriage at the time) is JUST your girlfriend, I'm your DAUGHTER. It doesn't matter WHY I don't like her, it SHOULDN'T matter why I don't like her, just me TELLING you Dad that I don't like her means she should be OUTTA here already, I come FIRST" 

She was 19 at the time, and basically just throwing a temper tantrum because she was jealous of the relationship DH & I had 

What other ways did OSD feel she came first?

When she was living with us fulltime from ages 16-19, she felt the moment she stepped in the front door all conversation had to be with her orabout her, I was "not important" and whaever I had to say or whatever was going on in my life didn't matter in the slightest and only her needs and wants should be considered and coddled by DH

If we both had an important assignment - me for work (the same work that helped pay for some of the nice things she enjoyed) and she for school, she felt she should have the computer for as long as she needed and in fact even if she didn't need it for anything other than to chat with her friends, that came before me using it for a career-deciding important presentation because she was DH's DAUGHTER, I was JUST his fiancee

If we had a big family get together with my family that DH wanted to join me at, and OSD simply didn't feel like going then she felt DH should stay home with her and I should go alone, because me and my family didn't matter, only she and her whims did - she was 18 at the time

She was outraged that DH would dare to put a picture of me up in our home - only pictures of her and YSD and their blood was allowed in her books - and we came home one day to find my picture smashed frame ruined, because hey, I was just the fiancee of her Dad, zero importance in their world

Now I'm his wife but she still feels nothing compared to her

So how did DH put his daughter's needs first?

Well a clear example that I thought was great was when she gave him the ultimatum that it was her or me, DH told her that as her father, if he thought for one minute that I had ever harmed her in any way, yes absolutely I would have been "outta there" but however, if he could see that all of this was just his daughter throwing a jealous temper tantrum, then the best thing he could do for her as her father, was not to give in to her demands. 

DH told her that he wasn't just going to dump the woman he loved and was about to marry, especially when I had never been anything but kind and decent to her, that he thought I was not only great for him but for her and YSD as well, and that he hoped one day OSD would get onside with it all but if she chose to walk out of his life instead, well that was her choice to make and remember SHE had made that decision. 

Of course to this day OSD feels DH chose me over her, put his own needs and that of his (now wife) over hers

You see, my OSD I'm 100% certain thinks that by putting your child's needs first, even when they're adults, means you must love and adore them above all else and if you fall inlove with someone and they become very important to you, that you have somehow betrayed your child

Even if you never stopped for a second putting your child's needs first, never stopped loving them the way you always did, never stopped being proud of them or trying to parent them and guide them into being contributing social parts of society, it doesn't seem to matter to people like her

In her mind, putting her needs first means whatever she wants (right or wrong, normal or insane, moral or not) should come first and most of all, DH is only allowed to love her first - in other words, the most, above everyone including his wife

You simply cannot "demand" someone love you, or love you the way you WANT. People love who they love, and sometimes, that includes someone other than/in additiion to, their offspring 

Your therapist sucks or she doesn't know how to phrase things correctly. If by number one she meant number one concern when it comes to blending then yes. You should be very careful that stepchildren are mass manipulators who can make or break your marriage and should be watched at all times. Even in a nuclear family (no steps/halves/etc) the children are not suppose to come first because once they fly the coop it leaves a lifeless marriage. I think our children should be a priority when it comes to making priorities like where to vacation, paying for luxuries such as cars, phones, extra curriculuars but I don't think children (step or not) should have every indulgence growing up. That teaches entitlement which is a huge problem in today. I suggest you get a therapist that specializes in Stepfamilies with a few years under their belt. 

I'm sorry, did I read this right? Your SD is 24?!?! How is she a child? Why in the heck should a 24 year old, who is supposed to be starting her own life, be the center of YOURS? 

Dump your therapist NOW. Holy heck. 

If you've ever worked a job with bad management, you know what happens when the authority figures don't get along and can't agree on how to manage their workers.

The same is true of a family. The parents/stepparents are management. They manage the money, the household, the mortgage, the cars, the food in the refrigerator, etc. THEY are responsible for all that stuff because SD's name isn't on the mortgage, right?

When management doesn't agree, they send mixed messages to the workers (i.e. SD). The hierarchy falls apart. Wedges develop. Employees run amok. And soon the company is crap.

Now, that doesn't mean that all the managers do is worry about their own well being. If the kid breaks a leg, certainly her needs will have to come first at times. At the same time, if the worker is given a job and doesn't do it, management must figure out how to deal with that employee.

But my point is, parents must come first because they have the most responsibility and they are driving the bus. So you and your husband must be on the same page before you can make this living situation work. And if you can't get it to work, maybe SD needs to find somewhere else to live.

Find a new counselor.

Why get married to be last place in somebody's life to anybody else? I would think remaining single would be a better place to be if DH cannot or will not make you the priority you deserve, as his wife. Most women would eventually leave eventually under any other conditions.

Holy hell, I thought your SD was a small child when I read that she should be #1 (which I still don't agree with).

My DH and I saw a therapist years ago regarding SD/blended family issues and it was actually helpful. Our therapist believed that we should be putting our marriage first, though. I can see how younger kids need to be prioritized OFTEN because they are completely dependent on their parents for pretty much everything but that does not mean they run the show. Now that I know SD is 24 I don't even know what to say - why does she even have any part of your relationship at all? This is bizarre.

To echo many other posters’ sentiments, find a new therapist. Or, maybe not one at all- was therapy mandated by someone or just an idea to try and make things better? 

The reason I’m saying this is because, at least in my experience, therapists don’t necessarily have all the answers. Many already have an established idea of blended family life and will try to instill in their clients whatever view they believe is right. 

I don’t think there is a magic golden book that we can all read to tell us how things should be as step parents. I used to want to believe that, and thought reading books like “Stepmonster” or even seeing a therapist myself, would help “change” me into a different person who could love my SKs just as much as my own and turn us into the modern day Brady Bunch with no family issues. 

But! The problem I found is that I can’t change my heart or my feelings, I can’t change my husbands reactions towards situations where I react differently, I can’t stop the ex wife from constantly trying to invade our life, or my SKs unappealing preteen behaviors. These are all variables that are so different in all of our unique individual situations, which make it hard for a therapist or a book to really remedy anything to the point where it’s “all better”.

However, what I do find is those resources can be outlets, but so can forums like this! I’ve read advice here that is pretty darn therapist-like to me. An even better perk to a forum versus a therapist is you’re talking with people just like you, not someone who may not really be able to empathize with you aside from applying what some psychology textbook tells them to say. 

Im not saying therapists are bad- there are several instances where they play a vital role in mental and emotional health. I’ve just found, in my experience, that I can cope with things better by pulling strategies from books, articles, forums, and relating with other step parents. 

Before this turns into a book itself, my opinion is that no one is really “first”. There needs to be times where everyone’s needs are met before someone else, depending on the situation. None of us, child or adult, want to really be on the back burner, and I’m an advocate that adults’ feelings matter too! Even as a bio mom, I’m not a proponent that the world revolves around my children because that’s just a huge disservice to them. But, I find balance (albeit chaotic balance sometimes) in trying to make everyone feel special in their own way. 

Now, does my partner? No, not really. His philosophy is children are first period, which is why I spend most of my life raising my own while he is at sports with his ex and his other 2 kids. But that’s neither here nor there in this post...

Find another therapist if you want validation, or just a second opinion,  but be prepared that the “kids are first” mentality is quite popular in the mental health world. (Mine was the same way, and even told me presumptuously that my partner didn’t want any children with me and now I have to reap what I sow! I sobbed in my car for an hour.) Now I know many people actually “shop around” for therapists because not everyone meshes well- I didn’t know that then. 

Good luck! Just remember, you matter! 

Not ofr a second do I buy this hunk of BS. SOrry but I don't. It's honestly bullcrap that people always say happy spouse, happy house, UNLESS there is a stepchild!! Why do thye get treated any different that biokids??? Sorry your mommy and daddy aren't together anymore, here's a gold star. UMM NO??? In order for a relationship to work and be HEALTHY, you have to put each other first. For me and my fiance, that means a datenight (at home or out) every other weekend. Then on weekends with SS, we do things we ALL enjoys, such as playing in the backyard with the dogs or going to see my parents, or whathaveyou. Even when SS is at the house, I always take some time to decompress. Whether that means letting them have "guy time" (which I think they need and deserve) or us watching a movie after he goes to bed. YOU are important. You are not any less important just because he had a child before you came along. Stepparents are NOT second class citizens. Good luck! *hugs*

This is the biggest BS I have ever heard. Your kids grow up and build their own family. Your spouse stay with you til the end. 

For all you know, your therapist could be biased due to coming from a perspective as a neglected stepdaughter. Even in a non-separated family, it is simply an unhealthy idea to always put the children first at the expense of the partnership. That’s actually a common cause of divorce: when couples completely sacrifice the nurturing of their bond for the children, sequentially becoming unsatisfying to one another. Not only that, but if you intend to raise an independent child who can self-soothe and has a realistic view about the world not revolving around her, then I’d advise against making your household revolve around her. She’d probably grow up to be a dysfunctional partner who doesn’t understand how to bring a healthy, fair, well-balanced dynamic to a relationship and expects men to always put her first. 

Your step daughter is going to grow up, move out one day, venture off into the excitement of adulthood, begin her own life and what will you and your spouse have left? A tattered, unsatisfying bond as life partners? I’d refuse to always put the stepdaughter first for that very reason: it will ultimately make you feel like you got the Kmart version of companionship.