So disappointed, sad, and fustrated with my SD and her BM
New to this forum first time posting!!!
I've been in my sd13 life for about 7 years now. I've given her everything, been a real mom to her, since her bm is out having boyfriend after boyfriend. I keep up with her school, as in she comes to me for help when it comes to work at school. she comes to my husband and i when she need anything, cells, clothes, shoes for track, cheerleading...her bm has no responsiblity with her...my husband shares joint custody so we have her same about of time...its always been me. And yes when she needs me to say something to her I will...im not going to let her do what she wants. So yesterday she tell my husband with the sweetest voice ever..that she doesn't like the way i talk to her. I have a daughter of my own and i talk to her way worse when needed...and her response what "yeah but i'm not her daughter" She claims that i always yell at her constantly and getting after her for no reason. My husband defended me and said that he didn't see this happening and that i'm the one that does everything for her, that her bm does nothing!!! and if i need to point out her actions i'm in my right to do so.
To add the mixture she made her feeling known the the wonderful bm and now shes calling my husbnad for him to open up his eyes and see what i was doing to his daughter.
I'm glad to say that i have wonderful husband that stands by me. now she doesn't wanna to confront the situation, i haven't seen her, today we were gonna clear this out but she doesn't want to come around. I'm sad and disappointed with her...why would she say this about me? I've been far more of a great mother that her bm...i'm the one who does school work, when she needs help...the nurses call me when she has cramps...he has braces because of me, i'm planning her freacking 15th party for gods sake. I go out of my way to keep her happpy....what should i do next? cut off all the motherly things i do and tell her "sorry you need to tell your mom to do this for you"?
Help???
It doesn't matter how much
It doesn't matter how much "mothering" you do for her .. you are not her mother. It doesn't matter who's better .. she is bonded as daughter-mother to her biological mother.
Be thankful that DH is standing by your side and addressing this with her. Who knows what BM has been saying to her. The best you can do is sort out the truth from the lies and set SD straight.
Stop comparing yourself to her mother. You will never convince her you are better than her mom. You will only drive yourself crazy in the process.
i don't even want to address
i don't even want to address this with my sd because i know that her reaction will be not to come to the house. I want to disengage, and its the only thing my husband has a hard time dealing with, and only because he feels that her feeling will get hurt. But i feel that she will come around if i do this. I think your right in what you say...offer nothing in return for nothing.
It just hurts that she would be like this with me..i've been very sad lately, sad for my husband as well.
I raised my SD13 for 8 years,
I raised my SD13 for 8 years, her BM abandoned her. She is not crazy about her BM, but she certainly HATES me. I did everything for her, more than either of her parents would do for her...but yet she blames me for all of her misery and likes to play the victim.
In my situation, it is too painful for my SD to accept her mom doesn't want her...it is easier to take that pain and anger out on me.
In your situation, I would bet the BM is feeding SD bullcrap to make her like her BM more than you...and SD is dying to believe it is true because what girl doesn't want to think her mom is perfect? BM probably says you are the reason for her own inadequacies as a mom...it isn't fair, but it is the way it often goes and SD probably wants to believe that...it is easier than accepting your mom does not put your first.
I would disengage...stop trying, stop doing everything for her and stop planning her party. She is using you and does not appreciate you and it will likely only get worse.
I'm sorry. I know this sucks and hurts like heck. Know you are not alone.
" it is too painful for my SD
" it is too painful for my SD to accept her mom doesn't want her...it is easier to take that pain and anger out on me."
I say this ALL the time regarding my SS13, whos mother abandoned him for 7 years of his life.
I do EVERYTHING for SS13 and his life has DRASTICALLY improved since I have been actively involved with him for the last two years. Trouble is, he sees me as the reason he can't just do what he wants to anymore. The reason he has rules. The reason he has to do his homework.
I am WAY harsher on my own kids, but they do what they are supposed to do 98% of the time so they do not get their privileges taken away and they don't miss out on things because they have homework/ makeup work to do.
I've put in the work with my kids.
SS still needs lots of work put in to him.
yes i have a daughter
yes i have a daughter 12...her dad is not in her life..my husband is taking on the role as well. My daughter never complains about him, if she would, I would put a stop to it and most likely make him disengage untill she realized the Dad he really is to her. But i pray to god this will never happen, at least not now. I also have a SS18..he's a great kid, i don't ever try to disipline him since i feel that i came into his life when he was around 10-11. He lives with us full time, he never sees his mom and dislikes my sd (which is his sister). My husband and i talk about this for years, thinking this one day will come, nvr did i imagine it will come when she is only 13...perhaps 16 i understand but not now. I'm sorry bout your situation as well...if i'm heartbroken i cant' imagine you.
How often do ya'll have sd.
How often do ya'll have sd. It sounds like DH has full custody. If so she could relize that shes at the age were she gets away with more at BM house because its like a sleep over. Because BM never has to really discipline sd. So when SM does discipline sd she resents it. All skids are going to glorify the missing parent (in most cases on here its BM) The good news is that DH put her in her place. Its a good time to step back from her as much as you can. When and if she notices. At that age SD are so self center she may not notice. But sooner or later she'll want you to help her with something or buy something. Tell her your busy that she needs to ask her mom..
Or you could come out and tell her that she has hurt your feeling after all these years together You thought you were being a parent to her just like you are to your kids and that by her going to someone else and complaining about you is up setting that you thought ya'll were closer than that and she could talk to you about any thing.
That maybe guilting her a little. But maybe it would change her attitude. If it doesn't disengage.
wow..i'm so glad i found this
wow..i'm so glad i found this site, i'm so bummed out, lost this morning..in thinking that disengaging was the wrong thing to do. but like everyone esle suggests its most likely the best. Thank u
and to answer your question... we rotate weeks, its a complicated schedule, but i do feel that we take on as primary care givers.
I am @ work and don't have a
I am @ work and don't have a lot of time to respond.
READ MY BLOG! Disengaging DOES work. I now have 4 happy healthy teenagers where a year ago I had 4 sullen foul mouthed assholes living in my house!
i saw her yesterday and she
i saw her yesterday and she didn't even look at me, as i didn't even look at her. I avoided her because she was avoiding me. I know my dh had a talk with her and told her that if she needed for me to stop mothering her...then everything else would stop, and she would have to depend on her mother..she said nothing. He also told me that she didnt' like when he started compaaring all the things i do for her and the thing she doesn't do for her...if she has braces its because of me!!!! so mad stills sorry just venting. And yes i think she wants something and thats why she is behaving like a brat. I'm ready to disengage, i think i'm already doing it. When she comes around i'll just be his wife and a step mom...i wont try to go above and beyond..if she don't like it...I DONT CARE