A Sister's Thoughts....
Forums:
It's 2025, so....
- Divorced couples should travel with their exes and new spouses.
- Divorced couples should spend holidays with their exes and new spouses.
- Divorced couples should host their exes and new spouses as guests in their homes.
And.... When babies come along, be sure to put the past in the past, because nobody cares anymore.
Interesting assertion! I would love to hear your thoughts, please share!
Your sister said this? Is
Your sister said this? Is she part of a cult? No no no. The average person is not that evolved to partake of that fantasy. The ones that drive us here , absolutely not.
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The ones that drive us here , absolutely not. <--This says it all!!!
I love my sister, however I acknowledge that she is a highly functional alcoholic, yet she is highly dysfunctional...if that makes sense. Not even she would say this.
I have known of people who
I have known of people who have done some of this and everything appeared to be fine. If there aren't underlying weirdo motives for doing this kind of thing, all the power to them, but I think for some (or most) of our BMs, this is their fantasy in order to remain significant in their ex-husband's lives (and maintain control). Their motives are anything but healthy.
Wow...
...they are winning for sure! It must be the perfect blend of healthy personalities.
My research tells me that, in most cases, this is not the norm. As my DH would say, he "got divorced for a reason" and he sees no need "to be chummy". Cordial, yes.
Spoken like a BM who isn't
Spoken like a BM who isn't over her ex.
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One would think, right?! Spoken by someone who has no experience or educational qualifications to offer an opinion.
(((PUKE!)))
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(((PUKE!))) <--Yes, definitley!
So.. is she divorced? has
So.. is she divorced? has she lived this as a step parent? if not.. STFD Sister.
The only thing I can partially get on board with is maybe the last point.. when babies come around (maybe even sooner).. put the past in the past and don't let your prior relationship ruin your life forever. If you don't stop "caring" and nursing the past hurts.. you will be making your own self miserable.
Does that mean playing happy family with the EX? no.
What it means to me is people should be able to be "adults" and be civil.. when necessary. You are attending your child's wedding.. you don't make huge ultimatums about your EX not bringing his wife. You are gracious and act civil.. and they are also to act civil to YOU.
If babies come and the couple is having an open house afternoon to have grandparents and other family visit.. you go.. and while you try to have your time not overlap your EX'es.. if you happen to be in the same room.. you are civil.. no need to act like long lost best friends.. but you are not making a scene. And.. if you have been there a decent amount of time.. you shortly make your way and let the other grandparent have some time without you hovering.
You can attend grandkid's (and your own children's) school and sporting events while being supportive of the child and not bringing drama with your EX.
Going on vacation together? um.. not really on board with that.. unless it happens to be surrounding some child event.. like your daughter is in competition cheer and the team is going to orlando.. maybe both Exes go.. but obviously have separate accomodations... and have a set split of time with the child.
I don't see hosting an EX in my home.. certainly not as an overnight guest.. perhaps some small exception if I would be hosting a grandchild's celebration at my home.. like some big graduation party and the ex was a guest.. but it would have to be something pretty spectacularly rare..
Again.. it all depends if everyone is able to be civil.. if not.. then no way.
Thank you!
STFD Sister. <-- Yes!!! 100%!!! No experience in this realm...at all.
Thank you, I feel seen! All you mentioned are reasonable situations. I am a very reasonable person, as is my husband and we could easily do this! However when you are dealing with abusive people, that changes the game.
STFD Sister. <--I needed to give that sentiment another go!
Pardon my directness….
... but has she been smoking jazz cabbage?
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I am not sure about that! Haha! She may need to step off her high horse, though....
A Stepmother's Thoughts....
Dear Sister,
Thank you for offering your unsolicited opinions. However, in light of the fact that you offered not one shred of empathy or compassion when you found out what we had been going through, I will have to pass on your suggestions for 'family' engagement. When I attempted to openly and honestly communicate about family issues, not only were you not willing to talk, you stated (behind my back) that you didn't believe the events that were shared actually occured.
In retrospect, I remember you bashing BM and OSD. (I have receipts.) I should not have ignored you waving that red flag. It's miraculous, though, that the leopards have changed their spots! Or, is it the fact that someone 'not in family' has been targeted as opposed to someone 'in family'? Someone who doesn't matter to you and is expendable? Someone who is the easy scapegoat so you can maintain your ideal of your perfect family? Sadly, there is no perfect family. However, there are families who work through tough times openly and honestly and learn and grow in the process. That is a healthy, loving family.
Please help me to understand what your opinions are based on? Thankfully you have neither been divorced nor are you married to someone who previously had children. Thankfully you have not experienced the vile hatred and abuse from an adult stepchild who does not know you, yet hates the very idea of you. In light of these facts, your opinion holds little weight with me.
You mentioned it is 2025.... Yes, it sure is! Healthy people live in the light of the truth and work to resolve their issues instead of projecting their discomfort onto others. They exercise compassion for others instead of judging and disparaging them. They are cycle breakers. They are strong enough and brave enough to say "No" to abuse. They abandon familial traditions of ignoring dysfunction and abuse and work to change the dynamic. Most importantly, they realize that when traditions cause pain to others, it's time to put those traditions to rest.
I invite you to step out of your fantasy bubble! Get curious and seek to educate yourself about people and situations that are different from your own. Consider what it's like to walk a day in their shoes. Consider their pain. Allow yourself to feel compassion and empathy. Conversely, if this is too 'real' for you, perhaps you should kindly take a seat and keep your hateful and biased thoughts and opinions to yourself.
Sincerely,
Sister
Divorce couples are divorced for a reason.
When starting a new relationship. The X is out of the picture. People who have sex together can't go back to friends. They are always after lovers..
Yes!
Neither I nor my DH have an interest in being friends with our exes. It stops at cordial. Isn't it interesting that someone who has never been divorced or dealt with an ex has such strong opinions? I am willing to bet that 'sisters' reaction would be different if it were her!
Oh heck no!
No.. no... no...nope and yuck
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We share the same sentiments!
Not in '25, '26, '27, 3000
1. Nope
2. Nope
3. Nope
4. Love for the child is love for the child, but there will be separate relationships with the grands from the ex. Duh
Those sentiments are so f@#%ing disrespectfully dismissive of SPs who live in a hateful reality with BMs (bowel movement birth mothers) and spiteful ass SKidults holding on to mommy daddy reunion fantasies, and the real pain it causes us. F her!
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That's a spicy reaction! Internally, mine was pretty spicy too! Externally, I was cool as a cucumber and calm...almost too calm.
You are right, it is dismissive and disrespectful. I have learned this is all too common in step life, or with in-laws. The attitude is something I will not forget and her written words are something I will not erase. Thank you for showing me who you are, Sister. Although I already 'knew'. Your ugliness just confirmed it.
Half a dozen years after the
Half a dozen years after the divorce my DW, SS, and I ran into my XILs. After that they started inviting us to family gatherings, holidays, etc...
Nope, I was married to their daughter. Why would they think I wanted anything to do with them after that nightmare. They created that serially adulterous individual.