Should I stick this out or call it quits?
I uprooted my entire life, moved across the country and am here, all alone, with no support system. The bf doesn’t understand how I feel and it makes me feel even more isolated to have no insight into what’s going on with child custody or child support. I have no dominion over the direction of my life and it’s killing me. No one to talk to that can understand how I feel and no where to go. I’m filled with fear, frustration, rage, and an incredible amount of guilt. I took Mady (my dog) to the other side of the county. Away from her house and yard that she loved. She will likely never see home again and just thinking about her living her last days in this absolute shit hole of a state shatters my heart. I promised her that I would be her forever home and I feel like I’m breaking that promise I made to her. She will die here and it will be my fault. I will always be an outsider to them. Mady is more a blended part of the family than I am. I have no where to go and no one to talk to. I HATE this fucking place with a passion. Going home would be so easy and I know it would grant me some degree of peace. Do I really want to do this for at least another 5 years of my life? Do I want to feel isolated, burnt out, outcast, and trapped for a half a decade when I don’t have to? Why do I bother staying? Why am I even here still? I could get in the car and drive Mady home right now and I know I would be happier but I would be a different kind of lonely. This place will never be home. I’m here for the bf and the kids but fuck does it feel like tapping out is the right answer some days. Most days these days. Today is one of those days. Am I really doing a service to the kids? Am I benefitting them more than this place is hurting me? Will any of my influence even move the needle in their futures? Unlikely. This seems like such a losing battle. Actually, there is no battle for me other than the one I fight internally. The custody and child support battle is out of my hands and not communicated to me. I’ll never know what’s said between the two of them and if something said in anger will cost us dearly in court one day. The entirety of my future is out of my hands and it feels so unfair and unacceptable. But there is always the tap-out button. The contingency plan. Go back to my old life where I was happier than I am now. The pros and cons seem so lopsided right now. I know it’s probably the right thing to stay but my mental health is in complete shambles. I’m a mentally strong person but I’ve been crying for days. I’d rather go home and start life over, being single yet again. At least then I had control over my life and was happy. I don't know what to do and am seeking any advice. What do I do if my bf refuses to discuss court with me? Is that it? Throw away years of the best relationship I've ever had?
Is it truly the best
Is it truly the best relationship you've ever had if you're so miserable? Every question you wrote, I answered, "NO".
Take Mady and go
I can feel the misery in your post. I don't hear one single positive about staying except at the end where you say it was the best relationship you ever had. I'm guessing the good days were before you lived together. That's understandable if you moved into a steplife situation.
There are many of us on this site who lacked the clarity you show and stayed in distressing step situations. If I were you, I'd leave now before you invest more blood, sweat and tears.
You're not alone. There are many of us here, all rooting for you. Good luck, SS.
There were great times before this
We lived together in my home state before this and life was amazing. The kids would visit but not very often. We made sure to dedicate our time to them when we had them. They LOVED spending time with us
We were planning to move where ex-wife was at the time (another part of the east coast) but he couldn't find a job there. Now she's moved them again. We packed up and moved to a state on the other side of the country with essentially no nature, and the air quality is so bad we both have consistent coughs. He moved without a job and makes 1/3 of what he used to so I'm handling most of the financial support.
All this to keep his ex from moving the kids again. She's moved them three times in three years and they have no stability. We went to court to stop her from doing this and the judge ruled that whoever moves out of the city (not a radius from the city, the most expensive city to live in in the entire state) loses custody. Without me, he can't afford to live here and provide his kids some degree of normalcy. I know as bad as I feel, they have to feel worse. They had friends where they were before. They have been here 10 months and have zero friends. Their feelings of isolation must be horrible and my heart goes out to them.
I feel so stuck because if I leave I know he will either give up custody to move back to the east coast with me and the ex-wife will get what she wants. Not to have him around and fat child support payment every month. The kids will suffer in this scenario. He and his son are one in the same and he needs his father as he develops into a teenager. The other option is that he will stay and not accept any support from me being on the other side of the country and have to move into a trailer which the ex will use against him in court.
It's truly a crap position and I can't live with myself if I'm the reason that he doesn't see his kids, but I'm also miserable here. I've tried to find a silver lining to living here but it turns out it was just fire smoke.
He's already paid a lawyer and has started modifying child support out here. So it would be more lawyer fees if we moved and had to change it again. It would likely ruin any chances to get custody with them later if they moved back to the east coast.
Out of all of these things, my biggest issue is not involving me in making decisions with the lawyer. I know I'm not a parent, but it's my life here too. We had an argument about it days ago and haven't talked since. The ex shouldn't win, the kids shouldn't have to suffer during their most vulnerable years, but I shouldn't have to waste the rest of my 30s being miserable either.
You are heavily subsidizing
You are heavily subsidizing his life, but he is keeping secrets from you that have a major effect on your life. Think about whether you want to devote your life to someone who does that. To sacrifice yourself for someone who does that.
If you end it and leave, his
If you end it and leave, his kid outcome is on him. Not you. Ending it is the key. If you do not end it, this nighmare never ends.
Take care of you.
Welcome to the site!
I get that you would be lonely if you left, and that you consider yours a good relationship - but if it is - why in heaven's name is your partner not including you in discussions about what is going on - you say:
"The custody and child support battle is out of my hands and not communicated to me. I’ll never know what’s said between the two of them"
Well why not? he should be including you in every step of the proceedings, updating you and discussing. There is a strong sense in your post of you being an "outcast", an "outsider" and I guess there is in every step parent's life - but not as bad as this. If you really hate your life as much as you say, and your mental health is bad, then I guess there is only one choice.
It sounds like you've
It sounds like you've answered your own question. You are not responsible for what happens in someone else's life (his custody arrangements are clearly his custody arrangements, and it all sounds like a boatload of dysfunction and drama). The love of your life shouldn't be in any way contributing to such misery. For the love of God, get out while you can. You will never get your 30s back. And, yes, as an animal lover myself, don't carry that guilt of subjecting your dog to unhappiness, too. It can eat at you for years. IMO, both of you should hit to road toward happiness. You will make it. You will make it.
And PS
NOT MY CIRCUS, NOT MY MONKEYS
But she is paying for the
But she is paying for the circus. She abandoned her life to follow the monkeys and their crazy ringmaster who is hell bent on making their life miserable. Sadly, she packed up her life and her pet and moved to the circus.
Agree with others above.
Especially Mia as relates to your dog.
You have two smart, incredible and loving friends in your life, who are there for you unconditionally: Your wonderful dog and the woman in the mirror.
Your bf has to work out his own life and that of his children. It is NOT your responsibility. It is NOT enough to just love someone and expect them to sacrifice everything, which is the situation he's put you in.
You know that old saying, "If you love someone let them go ..." Well, that's the case here. If he really loves you, he will let you go. If you really love him, you will let him go. He MUST find his own path with his children and TBH, since they are minors he is required to do that until they aren't - and nowadays, most young people still need support throughout their early 20s. So it doesn't necessarily end when they are 18.
Especially with children of divorce, and especially when they have a high-conflict and/or passive aggressive mother like they do. The kids at some point may feel loyalty binds and will side with their mother, making you forever a persona non grata. This can go on for decades. Ask me how I know.
You are young, healthy and self-supporting. You have a wonderful four-footed best friend. You have a car. You have money. And doubtless you have friends/family back on the East coast.
Get on I-80 and head east. Don't look back. Point towards where the sun rises in the morning, bringing a new day.
Let me make myself quite
Let me make myself quite clear: if he doesn't see his kids it will absolutely not be because of you. You are the reason he has had so much contact with them in the past few years. He is now expecting you to meekly pay up and shut up. Well, to HELL with that! Not only would I head back to the place I and my dog were happy, but I might also bill him for all the support you have given him before he kicked you in the teeth by not involving you in the laxwyer discussions. He let you know exactly what he thinks of you, you're good only to foot the bills.
TBH if he actually planned before he charged into things the outcome might have been different. For instance, if he'd gotten himself a job before moving ... Has he applied for a reduction in CS? If not, why not?
Look, you are not one of the parents and you have no rights to these kids. Go where you need to be to take your life back and let the parents duke it out as they can.
Honestly, you deserve so much better than this purgatory ...
If you cannot be happy alone,
If you cannot be happy alone, you will never be happy with another.
Go home. Invest in you. Single is not a prison sentence unless you make it one.
Stop that. When you are happy and living well, your someone will show up when you least expect it. They will have all fo the good stuff the last one had, a ton of their own good stuff on top of that, and none of the crap the last one had.
Take care of you.
Your life went down hill really fast
Nothing is going to change you started the ball rolling by following the ex, letting the ex control your life, Do you seriously thing thins will change. No. BM will move again. You will move again.
'Your young,, You have a life ahead of you. Don't wast it in the crazy train BF. He thinks nothing about you. He following the BM and his kids where now with a low paying job his kids don't need him. The ATM is empty. Stop paying fir him and his kids. It was his idea he must make money to support you, a part time job with a little Uber Something then sitting on his a$$ complaining.
Maje plans to leave. Go anywhere it's has to be better then where you are at
You need to reframe things mentally
"but I would be a different kind of lonely." Not necessarily. No matter where you go, there you are. You are a resilent person and a risk taker. You can rebuild back home and you don't necessarily have to be a different kind of lonely. I have rebuilt from the ground up. Dump the guy and live for the dog. Join an Adventure club. Join a book club. Volunteer with a dog rescue. Meet people and new friends and make connections doing something you love. Go to dog parks. You can rebuild and make a happy, happy life for yourself and your Mady. Dump this guy. You won't be lonely. He isn't the end all, be all. INVEST IN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pour all that energy that you were wasting on him and his kids on you and your life and your dog! I promise it will be worth it.
Absolutely it will be worth
Absolutely it will be worth it.
Finding yourself again after ending it with an inappropriate and low quality partner is a soul freeing growth event.
When investing in ourselves, we become the best possible partner for the person who is unquestionably the best partner for us.
There is no settling, little to no drama, and life is an adventure and a love for the ages.
Living it is what we owe ourselves and to the one when they arrive in our lives and we start our best life adventure and love for the ages together.
Life Adventures!
I'm proof that it gets SO MUCH BETTER! Divorced out of the situation that brought me here & my life is SO MUCH BETTER. Today I walked through the woods to the beach after working out at my new gym after spending time in the hot tub and sauna. Returned to my new home, ate lunch, took a nap. ZERO drama in my life!
All I'll say is that it's painful ending a relationship and going through divorce (fortunately for OP, they're not married into this situation!), but being FREE on the other side is truly priceless.
I went through it... long ago
I went through it... long ago.
Then I found.... this.
A life of adventure is critical to finding a love for the ages.
IMHO of course.
I am thrilled for you.
Take care of you.
Interestingly seeing who's
Interestingly seeing who's happier and better off months after the separation shows who the innocent one is. If they are doing worse while your doing better it shows THEY are the problem and were latching onto to you dragging you down in life like a leech.
NoWireCoatHangars is right
You don't have to be caught up in this mess, ESPECIALLY if no one seems to care about your needs or opinions, just that you help pay the bills. It's really crappy to lead you on this wild goose chase, and then just leave you sitting there, miserable, just being expected to put up and shut up. If he won't discuss things with you, then why are you his partner?
I would leave, do as NWCH said, rebuild your life and get new hobbies and interests. You are in your 30's, there is so much more life left to be lived to the fullest! You gave it a shot, learned some lessons, and that's something to hold on to and remember for the next relationship. Good luck!
NoWireCoatHangars is right
You don't have to be caught up in this mess, ESPECIALLY if no one seems to care about your needs or opinions, just that you help pay the bills. It's really crappy to lead you on this wild goose chase, and then just leave you sitting there, miserable, just being expected to put up and shut up. If he won't discuss things with you, then why are you his partner?
I would leave, do as NWCH said, rebuild your life and get new hobbies and interests. You are in your 30's, there is so much more life left to be lived to the fullest! You gave it a shot, learned some lessons, and that's something to hold on to and remember for the next relationship. Good luck!
What would you tell your best
What would you tell your best friend to do?
Be your own best friend.
Im in Camp GetTheHoutofthere
Yep. Still in your 30s? Youve got a lot of good living ahead of you. I dont know where you moved to, but you already had the honeymoon phase and now its this yucky place you moved to. He wants you for your paycheck. Thats nice for him. Id high tail it back to your happy place.
The amount of despair in your every sentence…
I could feel it and could relate to it, when I look through my journal. These would be the thoughts and the questions plaguing me when I was at my lowest and darkest (not step-related). Now I know I was in deep depression, albeit high functioning on the outside. You're at the rock bottom and your "loved one" significantly contributed to it. The point of relationships is to make life a little more bearable, not harder. There are enough troubles life throws at us anyway. You will be much happier back at home. And doubtless, you'll meet someone who'll treat you with as much compassion as you treat your current SO.
In addition to what everyone else has said about him not seeing you worthy of sharing custody/lawyer discussions with, while he's not above mooching off you, I'd also be wondering what, if any of what he's said to you is true. I'm not in US, but the judge saying whoever leaves the town first loses the custody sounds very weird to me. Why would he be 1. Keeping a parent in poverty if the job is in the next city, 2. Why would he be depriving children of parent who's working to provide for their needs?
Call it quits. You will
Call it quits. You will eventually do it anyways in a couple of years when your burned out. Then you will look back at this post, the date, and get sad you lost those years.....
Call it quits. You will
Call it quits. You will eventually do it anyways in a couple of years when your burned out. Then you will look back at this post, the date, and get sad you lost those years.....
I knew the night of the
I knew the night of the wedding that it would not last. If only I had the confidence and courage to get an annulment on Monday following the Saturday wedding.
Before my XW and I left for our honeymoon on Sunday, I met my dad for breakfast at 05:00 Sunday AM before he left to return home. He asked how married life was treating me. I told him then it would not last.
Fortunately my serially adulterous whore of an XW played the D-card when she got knocked up by her geriatric fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy cheat buddy 27mos after the wedding. 4mos later, the divorce was final and I got out without polluting my gene pool with her.
I have zero regrets other than marrying her in the first place. Fortunately I only lost 2 short years of my life to that shit show.
Life is short, make it worth the effort. Tolerate no toxicity in your life and particularly do not throw good money, good time, and good intentions after bad.