Share with DH or Keep it to myself?
Hello again. I am back to ask for the wisdom of those here with experience. My DH and I are happy and communicate well. Other than my relationship with his bio son (18 years old), we actually have no other major problems. I have managed to keep the peace mostly by not expressing my true feelings about my SS to DH. But this weekend, SS blatanly flouted a request that both DH and I made for him to give me a head's up when he comes over here on the weekend after being at his mom's. Instead of the 20-30 minutes we requested, SS texted me when he was around the corner that he was "here". He said that he thought his dad would text me. That's false - his dad texted him explcitly to request that he give me a 20 minutes head's up. I never make any requests because mostly I try to disengage. I felt disrespected by his ignoring the only request I make of him, which made me more aware of how SS micro-aggresses against me constantly - tells stories with lots of pictures on his phone, none of which he shows me (just his dad). Barely acknowledges me, mumbles if he has to answer anything. DH thinks that SS's attitude is in part a response to my disengagement, which I acknowledge. It's like the chicken and egg question. But I've come to the conclusion that I can expect basic courtesy even if I don't have a warm and caring relationship with SS. And it's enough for me to be polite and willing to be there for him. I'm just not inspired to be warm, open, and engaged with someone who goes out of his way to exclude me and disrespect me.
After months of not talking about SS, the conversations with DH this weekend made it very clear to me that DH is not open to seeing anything negative about his son. DH walked away from a conversation and brooded for a long time. In 6 years, he has only ever did that once or twice before and those times also had to do with SS. I think whatever is triggered in him also has to do with his own history of being shamed. I don't think I will ever be able to talk to him about SS's behaviors that I find difficult without DH having this shame response which seems to overwhelm him. I think it's best that I just keep my angst and upset about SS's behavior to myself until SS goes away one day.
Be blunt with SS. Tell you
Be blunt with SS. Tell you need a heads-up because you and daddy like get busy and he doesn't like to be interrupted. Wink wink. That should gross him out. 18 yo and can't figure that out? SMH....
It sounds like SS is coming
It sounds like SS is coming and going to "use the house" when OP is there alone. Like to eat or play video games, and treating OP like crap the whole time.
Is this still in the realm of
Is this still in the realm of his regular visitation schedule. Like.. is he expected to come over and stay on that day? If so.. I don't think his presence is entirely unexpected.. and he is "around the corner".. to him might be notice.. or he may be willfully interpreting it that way.
Does he have a key? If he does not.. I would be responding.. "ok.. see you in 20 minutes" and come to let him in then.. maybe to make a point.
But, he is giving at least "some" notice.. even if it is short.. so he isn't litereally walking in on you. do you get into splittling hairs that he only gave you 5 minutes notice.. vs 20.. what if it had been 14 minutes for example.. is there some reasonable notice for regularly expected custody change days? or is this more random pop ins.. in which case.. I would actually want MORE than just 20 minutes notice of a visitor
Was your DH home? If not, why
30 minutes is awfully short notice. Was your DH home? If not, why is SS coming over? DH and SS can coordinate and arrive about the same time.
Does SS have a key to the house?
Thanks all. Just getting
Thanks all. Just getting reasonable responses to a highly emotional issue is grounding. Survivingstephell, I do tell him that, and perhaps that's why he at least gave me the 2 minute head's up. But the issue is that he's angry that I "took over" his dad's life and their house, and he perceives having to give me notice as "nearly asking permission to go to his own house." He gives both his mom and dad a head's up when he's heading to one house or the other after visitation, and he doesn't treat it the same. With me, it's a territorial thing. But DH did agree with SS that it could be perceived that I'm asking for permission.
Rumplestiltskin, that used to be true. The good thing DH did was to start to strictly enforce visitation schedules. before SS would show at all times because it was "his house", an attitude that his dad encouraged. But DH saw the light and now insists on keeping firm boundaries with visitation. SS used to strongly prefer his dad's house. But now that SS has a girlfriend, his preference is actually to go to her place. But he still asks to come/stay more than is scheduled.
ESMOD, I do appreciate that he did give me a head's up, even if a very short one. I think that a part of this that can't be ignored is the willful ignorance. He was aware of my and my dh's request and wishes, the only thing I actually ask of him. By not abiding by that, he was basically telling me to f*** off. That's not the worst f*** you ever, but it still is. I feel like either we enforce this one request, or all bets are off because I literally do not ask him to do anything, even keeping his voice down during video games which bothers me a lot. SS does no chores here except walk the dog once a day even he's home.
Aniki-moderator, I appreciate your perspective. DH thought 30 minutes was too much to ask, but I was thinking more like an hour or more. The fact is that they probably talked about when SS would be coming over for hours by then. By deliberately waiting until 2 minutes before he arrived, he could do the minimum while still be able to tell me to f*** off. But DH would never go for what you suggest. He would take that to be an aggression against his SS. I'm sure of it.
he does have the keys
To answer the question from a few of you, yes, he does have keys, and he's able to walk here on his own.
No. Just no. Change the
No. Just no. Change the locks. He doesn't need a key anymore. Especially with the blatant disrespect he's giving. He needs logical consequences. How about a key pad type, one you can keep changing when DH caves and gives the code to SS. When you are home alone you can keep him out that way. He's been given too much power and now flaunts it.
Why is DH more scared of pissing off his son and not you? Fix that problem and I bet some others will disappear
If DH has some unreasonable
If DH has some unreasonable trigger point, don't discuss it with him, just tell him.
Give the directive of 30Min notice directly to the nearly adult ages Skid that he gives notice as directed by you, or he does not come.
Then, start parading around the house naked, you and DH get frisky in your home any time and anywhere you want, when SKid walks in on you enjoying your own home as a couple.... his notice will definately comply with your demand.
And...sell the house and buy one that is a new "ours" home so that the SS cannot maintain his self delusional claim that it is his home. And.. you can box daddy in on that fact as well.
Of course it can still be SS's home, but a different home will not have the mythical status that the one he was raised in has.
We do not have this problem. Every home we have owned, or anywhere we have lived we have always told SS that it was his/our home. We purchased 3 homes while SS was a minor or lived with us in his early adulthood. We also married before he turned 2yo so there was no Step drama turf wars crap to deal with.
Have fun!!!
As for the shaming thing, everyone has baggage that they carry from their family and their childhood. At some point that baggage is the individuals problem to solve. If they do not solve it, that is on them. That baggage is not a mate's problem nor does the mate have to tolerate it. I am team "figure the shit out and knock it the F off" when it comes to this kind of crap.
A 30-60 minute prior notice before a not full time resident kid shows up is not shaming, it is not unreasonable at all. The Skid complies with this standard, or finds his key no longer works.
Not an exact parallel, however, my IL clan are all into no notice surprise visits. Then they get all butt hurt when their surprise visits result in the person they are dropping in on not dropping everything and spending their time with the surprise visitor.
My stance is... tuff shit. If they cannot have the courtesy of notifying of their visit with a reasonable notice (weeks) then they can figure their own shit out and have zero reason to be pissed off when the lives they invade do not get dropped to cater to them.
We never have done the surprise visit thing. Either with my IL clan, or with my own clan. It is just rude. IMHO.
So, if DH is too much of a baby to discuss his son's issues, then don't discuss those issues with DH. Confront SS directly and then just tell DH the related facts.
Lather.... rinse.... repeat.
I have only not told my DW one thing. It was at the direct request of our son (my SS). I caught him surfing porn when he was 17. It was gay porn. He swore he was looking at women and a bunch of windows started opening. I have had the same thing happen to me when a Chamber of Commerce web site had been hacked. I clicked on the CoC website for Astoria OR to learn more about the town due to an upcoming job interview I had there. I clicked on the CoC website and instantly a bunsh of links to porn sites started opening all over my screan. I could not close them as fast as they were opening so I had to reboot my machine and run a bunch of clean up scans to get that crap off of the computer. It was embarrassing as hell as I was at my former company's employment center. So, SS's claim that gay porn had started opening on his machine did not fail the smell test. I sat down with him for a discussion and asked if he was gay and if there was anything he wanted to talk with his mom and I about. I assured him that we had his back. "Nope dad. I'm not gay. My computer went crazy."
He asked me not to tell his mom he was surfing porn. I struggled with that but ultimately I honored his request. I did not tell my DW.
Meanwhile back at the ranch and 5yrs alter... he came out to his mom and I. Then... the threw me under the bus. When he came out his mom was all upset that she had not been able to be supportive of him as he was going through HS, teen dating, etc...... "But mom, the moms always know! Besides, dad knew and you guys talk about everything."
*fool*
Nope kid, You asked me not to tell your mom you were surfing porn, you also were clear that there was nothing you needed to talk to your mom and I about and were adamant that you were not gay when we sat down to discuss it all.
My advice is to not discuss it with your DH, but also not avoid the topic. Don't discuss, tell. Make sure that DH is clear on the standard you require on the topic and that you have already jerked a knot in SS's tail on the topic. And... you will continue to jerk a knot in SS's tail on the topic.
Just my thoughts of course.
If DH has some unreasonable
If DH has some unreasonable trigger point, don't discuss it with him, just tell him.
Give the directive of 30Min notice directly to the nearly adult ages Skid that he gives notice as directed by you, or he does not come.
Then, start parading around the house naked, you and DH get frisky in your home any time and anywhere you want, when SKid walks in on you enjoying your own home as a couple.... his notice will definately comply with your demand.
And...sell the house and buy one that is a new "ours" home so that the SS cannot maintain his self delusional claim that it is his home. And.. you can box daddy in on that fact as well.
Of course it can still be SS's home, but a different home will not have the mythical status that the one he was raised in has.
We do not have this problem. Every home we have owned, or anywhere we have lived we have always told SS that it was his/our home. We purchased 3 homes while SS was a minor or lived with us in his early adulthood. We also married before he turned 2yo so there was no Step drama turf wars crap to deal with.
Have fun!!!
As for the shaming thing, everyone has baggage that they carry from their family and their childhood. At some point that baggage is the individuals problem to solve. If they do not solve it, that is on them. That baggage is not a mate's problem nor does the mate have to tolerate it. I am team "figure the shit out and knock it the F off" when it comes to this kind of crap.
A 30-60 minute prior notice before a not full time resident kid shows up is not shaming, it is not unreasonable at all. The Skid complies with this standard, or finds his key no longer works.
Not an exact parallel, however, my IL clan are all into no notice surprise visits. Then they get all butt hurt when their surprise visits result in the person they are dropping in on not dropping everything and spending their time with the surprise visitor.
My stance is... tuff shit. If they cannot have the courtesy of notifying of their visit with a reasonable notice (weeks) then they can figure their own shit out and have zero reason to be pissed off when the lives they invade do not get dropped to cater to them.
We never have done the surprise visit thing. Either with my IL clan, or with my own clan. It is just rude. IMHO.
So, if DH is too much of a baby to discuss his son's issues, then don't discuss those issues with DH. Confront SS directly and then just tell DH the related facts.
Lather.... rinse.... repeat.
I have only not told my DW one thing. It was at the direct request of our son (my SS). I caught him surfing porn when he was 17. It was gay porn. He swore he was looking at women and a bunch of windows started opening. I have had the same thing happen to me when a Chamber of Commerce web site had been hacked. I clicked on the CoC website for Astoria OR to learn more about the town due to an upcoming job interview I had there. I clicked on the CoC website and instantly a bunsh of links to porn sites started opening all over my screan. I could not close them as fast as they were opening so I had to reboot my machine and run a bunch of clean up scans to get that crap off of the computer. It was embarrassing as hell as I was at my former company's employment center. So, SS's claim that gay porn had started opening on his machine did not fail the smell test. I sat down with him for a discussion and asked if he was gay and if there was anything he wanted to talk with his mom and I about. I assured him that we had his back. "Nope dad. I'm not gay. My computer went crazy."
He asked me not to tell his mom he was surfing porn. I struggled with that but ultimately I honored his request. I did not tell my DW.
Meanwhile back at the ranch and 5yrs alter... he came out to his mom and I. Then... the threw me under the bus. When he came out his mom was all upset that she had not been able to be supportive of him as he was going through HS, teen dating, etc...... "But mom, the moms always know! Besides, dad knew and you guys talk about everything."
*fool*
Nope kid, You asked me not to tell your mom you were surfing porn, you also were clear that there was nothing you needed to talk to your mom and I about and were adamant that you were not gay when we sat down to discuss it all.
My advice is to not discuss it with your DH, but also not avoid the topic. Don't discuss, tell. Make sure that DH is clear on the standard you require on the topic and that you have already jerked a knot in SS's tail on the topic. And... you will continue to jerk a knot in SS's tail on the topic.
Just my thoughts of course.
Thank you
Thanks for your perspectives and advice. I've posted on steptalk before, but I don't think I quite got it. Rags, I remember reading a post you once wrote complaining about posters who ask for advice, but not taking it. Lol. I think I'm guilty of that. But it takes time and my own baggage to overcome. But in reading these posts, and the posts on "Disrespect from BM and SD19", a light went on. I see very clearly now that I have been entitled to my place as half of the grown ups in the house, and the respect that deserves. I think that was a question mark for me and everyone because SS lived in this house with his mom and dad before me, and felt territorial about it. I admit that I felt a little like I was the outsider encroaching on their space. But now that I have clarity about this, and thankfully DH now has clarity about this too, I can go from here. DH fully acknowledged that he was guilty of seeing me as the outsider, and that he agreed that SS needs to see me as being the other adult in charge and not someone who can just be ignored. I think that's what we did to keep the peace - I don't discipline SS, or tell him what to do, etc. That's fine. But there has to be a baseline level of respect, and an understanding that he is under OUR roof.
SS is pissed off right now. I think he's reacting to his bubble being burst that this is not HIS house (he's of course welcome, but doesn't get everything he wants). Just in general having to modify his behavior on my behalf, which he is almost never asked to do. Part of my baggage is that I feel bad whenever I upset someone much less ask someone to make amends to me, but I'm feeling okay about standing firm, and for expecting respect. Another take away for me from these posts is that it's okay to be angry about being disrespected. I have tried to "rise above it" and tried to tell myself that I'm the grown-up and need to take the higher road. I can take the higher road every time, but I have to accept my true reactions and feelings if I am to progress, and frankly, my anger has been perfectly justified. Instead of feeling guilty about it, I can see that it was trying to inform me that something was very wrong. By doing something about it, I'm feeling more at peace.
Incredibly, few people are
Incredibly, few people are capable of learning from their own experiences. Far fewer are capable of learning from the experiences of others.
You are learning. I applaud you for that.
Set and enforce the standards of behvaior and standards of performance you require from your mate, and from his children. Keep it simple and keep learning.
You will be fine, one way or the other.
"...frankly, my anger has
"...frankly, my anger has been perfectly justified. Instead of feeling guilty about it, I can see that it was trying to inform me that something was very wrong. By doing something about it, I'm feeling more at peace."
This is very good that you recognize and can articulate this. This is very true. Something is very wrong. Over the past 2 years I've become much more justified in being angry and realizing that it is not irrational. This is a bit of a tip for what is coming for you with your young SKID when they turn to an adult...i can see the writing on the wall and you are likely going to face some boundary crossing in his adulthood but the wants and messaging are going to change slightly. You will likely feel that anger again. My adult SKIDs are NOT doing what they should be doing and my DH is blind to it. I have begun to put limits and boundaries. If they are unable to do normal things - pass courses, maintain a job, be able to manage their finances, make decisions on whether having children right now is a sound decision - when the problem is dumped in my lap I am getting better about a. throwing the hot potato right back in their lap or b. providing a VERY short window for a launch pad and if they choose not to figure it out in that time then too bad, not my problem.
An epiphany of simplicity.
Something popped to mind when I was not focusing on your situatioh.
Rekey the locks. If SS does not provide the notice you have specified, he does not enter the home. He can wait on the curb for thfe prior notice period before gaining access.
Lather.... rinse.... repeat.
If that gets his skivvies in a twist and he leaves, so be it.
Eventually, he will learn, or he will stay gone. Either way..... end of problem.
Rags, I see the wisdom in the
Rags, I see the wisdom in the suggestion, but I don't think I'll need to do that. Actually, though I feared that SS would ramp things up if I insisted he give me a head's up, he seems to be getting in line even though he complained to his dad. My DH is reasonable, and if he thinks one of us is being unfair, he'll say so. SS knows that, and I don't think he would overtly defy his dad on this. The last thing he wants is his dad to be mad at him. When he was a tween though, he would have defied all of the rules. Funny enough, I'm the one who talked DH into changing his and his ex's parenting styles to be more calm and predictable. It took a lot of talking and time for DH to make the paradigm shift, but he did (and his ex had to change her ways jin response). DH's and SS's relationship and SS's behavior exponentially improved after I intervened, and I don't think I'm exaggerating about that.
Thanks Imperfectlyperfect. Geez, I just had a glimpse into my future, and I think you're right. Part of me was under the notion that once SS becomes an adult and leaves, problem solved. But no. I can see from this board how much the SKids can continue to exert their influence on the married couple.