SD won't talk to BM in front of us
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We've noticed a habit that whenever BM calls, SD will pick up the phone and promptly go upstairs, close her door and talk to her mom in low tones. She was doing this last year and we told her that it was rude. She stopped going upstairs and would just walk as far away as possible and talk low. Now she's back to going upstairs and closing the door. Given our situation (BM has moved and we have no idea what her new address is and she refuses to communicate when she will or will not be picking up the kids), it is very disconcerting.
Does anyone else's skids do this? Are we being paranoid?
Now wouldn't that be
Now wouldn't that be something... come home from school and the only phone available is corded. I think you might be on to something Foxie, lol.
if your sd is a minor, then
if your sd is a minor, then bm should be required by the decree to give new physical address. i don't see anything wrong with her talking to her mom in private...all kids should have that opportunity unless there is immediate threat involved
She is required to update FH
She is required to update FH and the court with her new address, but she never does and the court doesn't do anything about it.
I can understand the talking in private to a certain degree, but what is with the going upstairs (while we're downstairs), closing your door and then whispering. SS8 doesn't do it. He stays in the room and all we hear is him saying:
Yes, no, yes, no, I don't know, yes, no, I don't know, yes, yes, no, no.
Maybe I'm being guilty...the only time I go in my room when I'm talking to my mom is when I'm talking about BM or the skids.
I was raised by a step parent
I was raised by a step parent and now I'm a step parent. My suggestion would be to simply take the door off the hinges. I think kids (any kids, step or not) these days take things for granted, thus I think your skid will get the hint if the door is gone.
When I was kid, the only time
When I was kid, the only time I could have the door closed was when I was getting dressed. That was it.
samantha=if fh pushes
samantha=if fh pushes (contempt of court) they will take care of it, or "deny visitation" or what ever, fh has the right to know where is kids are just like she does
Problem is, you can rarely
Problem is, you can rarely get her in court. I am amazed at what the court allows her to get away with. I'm pretty sure if she was a man, she would have been in jail by now. She has little respect for FH and even less respect for the court.
SD11 has a cell phone from
SD11 has a cell phone from BM. She used to go into the half-bath (only bath on main floor of house) to call BM, every time we got home from somewhere, back inside from doing something, whatever.
Didn't so much bother me that she's calling BM...but tying up the bathroom? Irritating!!
So, DH told her no more phone calls from the bathroom. If she wants privacy, she can go to her room, and call from there.
I have NO desire to (over)hear what she's discussing with BM. None.
I'm sure I'd feel differently if we didn't' know where BM/SD were living, if there were concerns about drugs, inappropriate SO's (for BM or SD), etc. But in my case, there's not.
I'd just like to be able to pee in my own home without having to go upstairs....
I'm not exactly sure where I
I'm not exactly sure where I indicated I wanted to listen to her conversation? I just would like for a 11 year old child not to be rude and I think it's rude and implies you are talking about people if whenever you talk to ONE person, you leave the room, go upstairs, shut your door and then talk in hushed tones. When she is on the phone with her grandmother, friends, cousins, aunts, etc...she will stay in the room and you will have to make her leave so you can hear the TV. Given that we have no idea where the mother lives and that she gives information to this child AND this particular child has been caught lying to protect her mom, we may be paranoid.
I don't care to hear her conversation....but everytime her mother calls, she shouldn't be going into James Bond mode.
And I do talk to my mother and other people with SD around...the only time I go into my room is when I'm talking about SD's mother or SD and her brother.
I am allowed to go in my room
I am allowed to go in my room because I am a 35 year old ADULT and she is a 11 year old child. Seriously? I am also allowed to stay up until 2 am in the morning and she is not. Does that double standard confuse you too? I also think it's rude for children to comment about adult's personal business and yet I do it. Once again, something that an adult can do that a child can't. In my world, children don't always have the same privileges that adults do.
And did I say it was rude for EVERYONE? No, I didn't. It is rude for a child that lives in OUR home (her father doesn't like it either) to act in a sneaky manner, which is was she is doing. The fact is no one paid attention to the phone calls until she started running and hiding. There have been numerous times in the past where we've told the kids to call her when they hadn't heard from her in days.
If she treated all her personal phone calls the same way....it would be understandable. THe fact that she only does this with one person, who she has been caught lying to protect, who clearly has been PAS'ing her out the wahoo, and who is currently MIA and we are looking over our backs every second because of the chance of abduction is the reason why. Why you don't get that and are focusing on me caring about a child talking about me escapes me. I'm just tryna get a gauge if we are being to PARANOID. Her talking/complaining (which I think is what you're implying) about me or her father is the least of our concerns. We have bigger things to be worried about like the child giving away schedule info, etc..
As far as her talking about me to her mom, I'm pretty sure she doesn't. My mere presence sets her mother off and the child is well-versed in how NOT to set off her mother who suffers from a mental illness. But I'm pretty sure that since you have greater knowledge about our home life that you know better.
What some people call
What some people call paranoid - other rationale people might call it pro-active - OP you have every right to know what is going on and if there is a fear of this woman taking your SD then I would not let her go to her room and whisper to her mother - tough shit if her mother was a responsible human being and could be trusted that is one thing but obviously she can't be so you need to protect your SD whether she wants it or not!! Good luck!!
And I am like you - in my house I am the adult and I have certain rights that my DD and SS don't have - why because dammit I am the adult - when I was a kid my parents had these same rights and I would never have thought to question them. So yes as an adult you do get to do whatever you want to in your home and anyone who is there under the age of 18 needs to do what they are told to do!!
@Caregiver - My feelings
@Caregiver - My feelings exactly but I do know that I, personally, can be overly paranoid. We had been letting this go for a little while even though we don't care for it, but after the past two weeks with BM skipping town, we're suspicious of everything. Every other day these kids are dropping bombs. Two weeks ago, it was BM is moving 9 hours away. A week ago it was BM is moving on Wednesday. Last Wednesday it was BM's girlfriend is gonna pick them up from school on Friday. You should have seen the panic from that one! We had to literally stow them away on Friday to prevent that potential incident. This week, it's BM is gonna pick us up on Friday. Meanwhile NO ONE knows where she lives and this woman has not said one single word to FH. This is not some petty nonsense like an 11 year old child getting on the phone and complaining that we wouldn't let her have cookies and milk for dessert.
YOu may personally be
YOu may personally be paranoid but this BM is giving you reason to be so I would call it being protective and looking out for the best interests of your SD - end of story - you do not need to explain that to anyone - it sounds as if your BM should be put away - good luck sweetie!!
My SS does this. Or better
My SS does this. Or better yet he will turn down the television get a nervous anxious look on his face as he proceeds to tell me "I'm on the phone...OK".. in other words "hush your mouth so my real mom doesnt hear you in the background". My feelings get hurt by this behavior BIG TIME, he used to do it constantly especially in places that I could not escape such as the car or on the boat and I would just have to sit there in awkward silence as he chatted her up as if I didn't exist then be especially kind to me when he got off the phone and resume loud conversation as per usual.
I have gotten frustrated with the ssushin' before and told him straight up that if his mom doesn't want to hear me then he needs to take his calls where I am not standing because I don't think that it is fair that I be muted in my own house. This action turned out to be both a blessing and a curse, a blessing because I can feel free to speak in my own home and a curse because now that he takes his phone calls in the other room we have caught him on more than one occasion using the privacy as a way to vent about us and attempt to turn one BP against the other or change plans. I don't know if it is a sensitivity thing keeping one from hearing the other, I know that he does not seem to care what we hear when he is with his BM, but takes special consideration to what she may/may not hear coming from the background of his fathers house even though everyone is aware of the living situation and who is probably present. A very frustrating and hurtful situation indeed, you are not alone.
@Echo - Thank you! LOL
@Echo - Thank you! LOL
When DS talks to his dad on
When DS talks to his dad on the phone, he goes into his room and they talk. He comes out, and hands the phone over. No biggie. I have no problem with that. We're trying to raise an independent, critical-thinking, compassionate, well-mannered boy here. I'm pretty sure the kid can handle a phone call all on his own.
I agree with Echo. I think you want control over the situation. You want to control what is said and you can do that simply with your presence and being within earshot, and you KNOW this. You should really think about letting go and picking your battles. This kid is going to rebel against you HARD. You have to allow some personal freedoms. A phone call is pretty minor, in the grand scheme of things.
JMHO.
I disagree. When SD had her
I disagree. When SD had her cellphone and was texting her mother constantly even when we were on family outings, we didn't say one word to her. We could have told her to leave her phone at home which are things I've seen other people do. We thought that the constant texting was rude especially when we were all out doing an activity but no one said anything. If we wanted to control things, wouldn't we have taken that or put a stop to it? Probably.
Look, there's a balance to
Look, there's a balance to this, if you want to find it.
We don't text. We don't allow it, we don't have a data plan for it. If DS were to be constantly texting, that's a different story. There's a time and place for everything, and it's just common courtesy to not text/call others at certain times and during certain activities. Eating dinner together is one time when we don't allow phone calls. When we're out together is another. At bedtime is another. You can and should put some guidelines in place. That's totally reasonable! But to basically monitor phone calls just because you want to know what's being said - that's controlling and it will come back to bite you in the end.
Put rules in place concerning texting and appropriate times, that's reasonable.
Allowing your SD to have some privacy during phone calls teaches her to not be rude by holding phone conversations in public. And teaching her proper phone etiquette and appropriate usage gives her useful behavioral knowledge. You'll be doing her a solid by teaching her these behaviors!
I agree with almost
I agree with almost everything you are saying. She no longer has a cellphone because she lost it but I agree with the texting rules.
I don't think we monitor her calls. No one picks up the line, no one stands over her, and no one would have raised the issue if she simply went upstairs and talked to her mom in her room. She goes and closes the door AND talks in hushed tones. To be frank, she is breaking a house rule by closing the door which was a rule I personally instituted for both children when I gave them their own laptops. I think I would still believe running to your room, closing the door and talking in hushed tones is rude even if we weren't going through the custody/visitation issues that are going on now. I think if you had to live with the fear that someone is going to take a child and run, you might be a little suspicious as well.
My SD19 always gave her mom
My SD19 always gave her mom play by play too on her visits, constantly on the phone every 5 minutes for a week at a time.
That is one reason I no longer facilitate (aka 'pay for') any visits with her. All that is up to my DH now and he is broke from CS til 21, so SD can just talk to her mom at their house.!!
I think she has a right to a
I think she has a right to a personal conversation with her bm. If you want to monitor her calls with her friends then I actually think that is more appropriate. I actually think our state guidelines have some sort of statement in there about they are allowed private communciation with the other parent with no interference from the other parent. I dont think it means she is talking about you. It could mean anything.