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Responsible for SS?

joe376's picture

Submitted by joe376 on Wed, 01/07/2015 - 3:55pm

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General Discussion

So, I have an issue that Im looking for some advice on. My fiance is considering a job offer that would have her working odd hours which would require someone else to handle her son, my SS4, in the evenings. She mentioned that I could help out and pick him up after work each night and watch him until she gets home. That would be her ideal arrangement but I dont personally feel good about that. There are several issues that Im concerned about but the main one I need help with is, I dont want to be responsible in that way for a child who isnt mine. I essentially give up all after work activity, work related or not, for a child who isnt mine.

I feel bad for thinking that way but I know if I ignore those feelings and go through with it, it will end up becoming really big issue later and might not end that well.

twopines's picture

Submitted by twopines on Wed, 01/07/2015 - 4:35pm

If you don't want to do it, tell her NOW instead of later so she knows exactly where you stand.

Indigo's picture

Submitted by Indigo on Wed, 01/07/2015 - 5:27pm

Emergency watching of SS4 when daycare falls through is fine, I think. You can be a sort of safety net if you choose.

Primary care provider for several hours every day, every week ? What is the pay and do you get vacation time ? You are looking at a part-time job with huge responsibility.

(Assuming that you never make an error in judgement, or allow SS4 to skin his knees, you will still probably hear from the bio-dad/in-laws, etc.)

I wouldn't sign on for EVERY day. Heck, you might want to attend an afterwork seminar, or join a company softball team, or have to work overtime !! Skip it and don't feel guilty.

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Wed, 01/07/2015 - 6:06pm

You need to tell her now that this is not something you're interested in. Where does the child go now with DF's current working schedule?

I could see you 'helping out' perhaps once a week until she gets off work. Perhaps even be willing to transfer the child from where he usually is during the day to something like daycare everyday if your schedule allows, but 5 days a week free babysitter? No. You don't mention what DF's considered new position hours would be. Is this from 3 to 5 or 6 and a few days a week? Is it 3-9 five days a week? What's the custody/parenting time arrangement? Would the bio-dad like to have some additional time with his child>

How much and for long you decide you might be willing to 'help' is totally up to you. But her decision to take a new position with new hours which leaves her needing childcare is definitely something that affects you. She should never just assume you'll be her new fulltime babysitter. You'll come to resent the situation and that's totally unfair to both you and the child. Also , how will this new position affect the two of you together as a couple? Is this going to turn into a you work days, she works evenings, you care for the child and the two of you have no evenings together either as a couple and/or as a family. Something to think about prior to jumping into marriage.

Whether a stepfather or a stepmother should never have the weekly expectation dumped on them to be the child's caregiver. An hour here or there or an evening a week is one thing. Some stepparents enjoy and even want to be ' supportive' and jump right in there and be the substitute adult caregiver for their new mate, but it should not be a requirement no an expected thing. But it is very much something the couple needs to openly and honestly discuss ahead of time.

SecondGeneration's picture

Submitted by SecondGeneration on Thu, 01/08/2015 - 2:56am

I dont blame you for not feeling comfortable about it, I wouldnt either. You need to be having a conversation with her and seek suitable compromises.

My fiance works shifts, before taking that job we sat down and tried to see how those shifts would affect his time with SD4. When he is working early, he is gone way too early to have SD4 in before school care. So on those days I am up with SD4 and I take her to school, thats literally 1 hour between wake up and school starting. However I do not and will not collect SD4 from school, I occasionally go with him when he collects her, but even on my days off he collects her. That will remain our situation until we have children of our own, at which point I may need to collect SD as he will be the primary earner, but we are a few years off from that.

Im assuming your fiance is the custodial parent, in which case where is SS's father? You might find he is more than happy for that extra time. Even if hes not he should atleast be offered it. After that fiance needs to seek childcare, but ultimately is this new job going to be paying enough to warrant the outgoings on additional childcare? And how many evenings is she going to be working late? How is that going to affect her? If she generally home with SS in the evenings at present? How late will she be working? Will she be home for dinner and bed time?

When its talking about working evenings to me theres a big difference between a couple of hours and a full evening.
If shes talking about SS needing to be collected at 4pm and her not being home till 5.30pm then Id say thats not too bad, still your choice but its not that unreasonable.
But if its SS needs to be collected at 4pm and she wont be home till 8.30pm Id be saying thats a bit much, both for you and for her.