refusing to put my life on hold for sd
I'm so upset. I love my husband very much but it's like his head goes up his you-know-what when it comes to his daughter(7yr old)
His ex has custody and on occasion she will let his parents take daughter for the night. We have her every other weekend. But I'm so tired of it seeming like our life together gets put on hold the days she is anywhere around. I understand that he loves his daughter but it's days like today that make me step back and look at my life, wondering if I made a bad choice here. Anyway, husband and I were suppose to go somewhere at 6pm, I get home at 4. Daughter got out of school early and picked up by his mother, brought to her house. He had the day off, except for some errands he had to do before noon. I get home and start getting ready and he comes into the bathroom and tells me "okay, I think I'll be heading to my parents now" I got upset because once again, it's like he magically forgets our lives exsist when it comes to his child. I said "why are you deciding to go there now? you've had most of the day" I didn't remind him about our plans at 6. he got annoyed and huffed off into the living room. I finished getting ready at about 5:30 and was ready to walk out the door but come to find him sitting on the couch SLEEPING! This led to ONCE AGAIN a big fight over his child.. He needs help balancing his 2 lives and I don't know how to help him but I know I'm sick of my life being, what it seems, put on hold.
I don't know about the child
I don't know about the child SHOULD come first. I think that is how a majority of the guilty daddys BECAME guilty daddies!
A child's life should be more important, if put to the ultimate choice. But as long as a child has food, shelter, air and love...the MARRIAGE should be the top commitment. Together as a UNIT, the child prospers.
"A child's needs" And there
"A child's needs"
And there you have it a child's NEEDS
NOT WANTS, WISHES, WHIMS etc.
A child's basic needs should come first:
food, clothing, shelter, education, love
Love does NOT include doing everything your child wants you to do for them. It does NOT include forgoing instruction, training, boundaries, discipline. It does NOT include making that child feel at the same level or superior to any adult.
It does NOT include giving, buying, or having other people buy for them everything their little heart's desire. Love is NOT instant gratification/pacification.
TRUE love for a child is bringing them up correctly so that they become independent adults.
My SO says this. "But there
My SO says this.
"But there is a balance that needs to be met and, the child and the spouse each can and should come first depending on the need/situation."
Problem:
His interpretation of that need/situation
It wasn't important for SO to come home to spend my bday with me even AFTER SS's game was cancelled. Instead what was important was that SD (while in her mother's home) said she was hungry and wanted dad to take her to eat. That's what he did on my bday. Took SS SD and his mom out to dinner.
I don't think people would disagree with your statement, but many of our DH's/SO's interpretation of priorities at the time are fucked up.
I'd have farted on my SO's
I'd have farted on my SO's pillow. Bare ass.
The pink eye would have been the punishment.
NOPE. ABSOLUTELY NOT. If DH
NOPE. ABSOLUTELY NOT. If DH is wanting to play "happy family" with his ex, I would be out ASAP.
Nice perspective, but I can
Nice perspective, but I can see where DH screwed up, and why angelkiss would get so angry. I, too, would want DH to be looking forward to spending time with me, or even remember that he was going to be spending time with me. I think it all relates back to the fact that his relationship with his BD is more important to him. Not to say that he feels it is more important than his marriage, but I am sure that is how it feels. Unfortunately, I would probably do the same, not remind him of our date, so that I had fuel for the fire later. However, Echo is correct, and I wish I could handle many of my circumstances in the same manner. I must say that since I have been ranting on this site, I have been able to take a step back from a lot of the crap that goes on concerning SD, BM, and MIL. Although, not all of it is so simple.
Basically, we need to rant to get it out of our system, and we also want to know that our feelings are appropriate for the situation, and they are......unfortunately, they may not always be correct, but I don't think most of us can help the frustration that builds up, and I am one of those people.
CHeck out this link: (number
CHeck out this link: (number 4, 5, 6 & 8 in particular)
http://webspace.webring.com/people/jh/histigerlily/makeevil.html
I agree that the child should
I agree that the child should not always come first. The marriage should come first. The best thing to give your kids is a happy marriage. I haven't always lived by what I am writing but I learned from my mistates and I am a firm believer that the Marriage should come first.
I can see both
I can see both sides......Before SD came to live w/ us; we would get her on the weekends. If her BM decided to keep her - we wouldn't do anything!! But once princess came again - we had back to back activities........sorry - but it was aweful!! Finally by BD got old enough and caught on!
Having SK is very hard.......communication is the key; pick your battles otherwise it will be a nonstop battle! Good luck
I think if you are in a "step
I think if you are in a "step parent" situation and you feel your husband should pick you over his kids in anyway, you have unrealistic expectations and you will be disappointed. Sometimes we are pleasantly surprised about coming first for certain things but I think most situations the parent will do what they can to keep the involvement with their off spring before keeping their second marriage in tact. I think this is a harsh reality. I think it is hard and I think the best thing we can do to keep ourselves (our hearts) safe is make sure we surround ourselves with plenty of good friends and family who WILL put us first. The people you can call when your husband falls asleep on the couch because he is so busy making everyone else happy and grab a bottle of wine and head over to their house.
We need support, unconditional love and to be the priority. I think if we can find others to fill this part of our lives and you can find a spouse that is OK with it not being them, we are in good shape.
This is what I am working on!
Jp I have to disagree with
Jp I have to disagree with you as my dh puts me FIRST and I put him FIRST! I have kids and he has kids! You are supposed to put each other first in any marriage or it will not work! It is not unrealistic to put our spouse first and if you think it is then honey you have not experienced LOVE!
We take care of our kids and teach them how to be adults we are not raising kids but adults! But that doesn't mean we have to put our life with each other on hold til they are grown. it means that we have our time for just us and we take time to teach and guide our kids! Simple as that.
If bm tries to push to skids on us when we have plans and it is her time dh tells her sorry I have plans I can't. He leaves it at that period! Hence putting ME FIRST! Hello!
When are we going to start doing what is RIGHT by kids instead of treating them like the world revolves around their little asses!? It does nothing for the kids but make them think that they are entitled to what ever their little shitty asses want! And expect everyone to stop their plans for them no matter what. That just creates ungrateful entitled brats for adults!
'
Oh and it shouldn;t be a harsh reality for the ADULTS but for the kids b/c LIFE is not going to drop everything for them just b/c they want it too!
Wow. No.
Wow. No.
Just because someone was married previously and had kids shouldn't mean that they are now allowed to treat another human being with less respect/love/affection. No.
People with that mindset deserve to be shunned from future marriages and children. They are toxic, and shouldn't reproduce and teach more children about their TERRIBLE way of living. This mindset, the one that you have, is why single parenthood rose 10 times in the past 30 years. People normalizing divorce, and treating others like garbage because of "da babies".
Girl, you and I live the same
Girl, you and I live the same life! Ha! It's like life as we know it stops every other weekend because of SD. Never thought I would be so glad for weekends to end until she came into my life.
Balance
Your DH has none and not just with his daughter. He had all day to run errands, knew when his daughter was available, and knew that he had plans with you at 6pm. This is not a lot to manage. Unless he's doing something else at home all day, like fixing your roof or building an inground pool??
Is there something else going on with him? Depression? Or has he always been this bad with time and responsibilities?
Aged post. Never mind.
The best thing you can do to help him is turn up the heat and bring the pain when he shoves his head up his butt.
Lather, rinse, repeat. Do not tolerate his "forgetting" plans that you have together. And do not tolerate his brooding couch sleeping avoidance bullshit.
He does these things because he gets something out of it. If all he gets is a pissed off wife who delivers to him a state of intolerable abject misery for his crap he will change his behavior.