Looking for encouragement
Hi! I'm new here and relatively new to step-"parenting", but consider myself semi-pro at parenting my bio kids. I'll give you a little background on my life and feel free to give me your opinions on how well or terrible I'm doing.
I was married 9 years and have 2 kids. DS is 7 and DD is 5. We split amicably 5/14 and our divorce was final 1/15. We have 50/50 custody and maintain an excellent friendship. I met my BF 1 month after splitting from my ex. BF has DD who is 7 and a stepson who is 13. He has full custody pf both. His ex abused pills and alcohol, went to treatment, met a guy there, got out of treatment, told her husband this guy was gay and asked if he could move in. He did. He wasnt gay. She was having an affair literally under her husbands nose. (Im still not sure how BF was so naive and gullible.) Within 2 months of dating, BF asked me to move in. I did. After months of job hunting, I got a job after 6 years of being a homemaker and a week later I was let go. BF asked if I would want to stay home and basically be a homemaker again. I slept on it for a week and ultimately decided that without this scenario, 50/50 custody of my kids would be impossible. I accepted. Back then, part of me thought we were both being opportunistic. He was a single, heart broken, exhausted father. I was a single, "didnt know what to do with my life all I know is being a mom" mom.
Fast forward a year and a half, it is working. My ex, me, and BF get along great. BF's ex is a lunatic and Im sure you'll hear me bitch about her plenty! BF and I have firm agreement that we dont discipline eachothers kids. My role in his kids lives is to be role model and friend. I help them with homework, teach them life skills, guide them, etc. BF's role in my kids lives is mostly the same, however their BD is very much involved so they crave it less from him than his kids crave it from me. It was a lot of trial an error, before we figured this was the best option for us.
BF kids annoy the living you-know-what out of me, often. Im sure my kids annoy BF. Normal? All the kids get along great, though, and it is a joy to see them all play together.
Some days I feel exhausted from faking my happiness to be hanging out with his kids. Or trying hard not to be selfish when his bum of an ex is late picking up the kids (however she is ALWAYS early bringing them home). And sometimes I feel resentful that all this baby mama drama is part of my life now.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to using this as a safe place to vent... A lot.
Oh yes, I have lots of
Oh yes, I have lots of private time with my kids and I encourage him often to do things seperately without me and my kids.
As far as BM goes, there is no talking to her. He has had several conversations with her about time tables as she always has an excuse. Usually, by Sunday, she has pawned them off on her parents anyway and they have plans and need to bring the kids home. It is seriously dysfunctional. BF has a log a mile long of all her eff ups. I have zero communication with her. I think she avoids contact with me because she's embarrassed.
I totally hear you. When my
I totally hear you. When my ex and I split, we agreed that he would keep the house and the kids would live with him to avoid any more disruption in their lives. I get them every other fri-mon, every other tues-wed, any day they have off during the week, half days, 6 weeks in the summer, and holidays. If I worked, this arrangement would not be impossible. It would be more like 90/10.
That said, I am not naive to think this could all blow up one day. I will never allow myself to be in a predicament like that again. So, I have 20 credits to go before receiving my AA.
I know the title of your post
I know the title of your post is "looking for encouragement" - but I'm going to give you some unasked for advice instead.
You moved way to fast from being dependent on one man to being dependent on another. Your boyfriend is just that - a boyfriend. Legally, he doesn't owe you anything. If your relationship ends, you won't get any financial help from him and without a job you will be unable to support yourself and your kids. (Unless you are getting enough alimony and child support - and alimony usually has an end date.)
Please consider sharpening your job skills and finding at least a part time job. You might consider going to school if that is something that will help you with employment.
I'm glad your situation is working so well now, and it may be that way forever. But you need to give some thought to securing your future on your own.
Thank you, I totally get it.
Thank you, I totally get it. I will be the first to admit I'm dependent. I was in school when I split from my husband and I've got a few quarters to go until Im finished.
Thank you, I totally get it.
Thank you, I totally get it. I will be the first to admit I'm dependent. I was in school when I split from my husband and I've got a few quarters to go until Im finished.
Thank you, I totally get it.
Thank you, I totally get it. I will be the first to admit I'm dependent. I was in school when I split from my husband and I've got a few quarters to go until Im finished.
Thank you, I totally get it.
Thank you, I totally get it. I will be the first to admit I'm dependent. I was in school when I split from my husband and I've got a few quarters to go until Im finished.
Thank you, I totally get it.
Thank you, I totally get it. I will be the first to admit I'm dependent. I was in school when I split from my husband and I've got a few quarters to go until Im finished.
Thank you, I totally get it.
Thank you, I totally get it. I will be the first to admit I'm dependent. I was in school when I split from my husband and I've got a few quarters to go until Im finished.
It is great you recognize
It is great you recognize that about yourself and are realistic about your situation.
Now, get yourself back in school! Take just one class at a time to get yourself started.
You can do it and I bet it will provide you with a better sense of self worth.
Welcome, I hope you find this
Welcome, I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family dream.
What first strikes me about your story is that you and your SO are equity life partners, you put your relationship first, you tolerate no bullshit from his X and together you engage with your own X, and all of the kids benefit from your strong relationship.
Being a SAHM works for you, for your SO, and for your blended family. That it works is for both of you and your children is the litmus test of your relationship success.
I do agree that getting into a training or degree program would be a very good thing for you. Eventually the kids will all grow up and launch so now is the time to invest in yourself. My bride and I did it. We were newly weds with a 2yo. We married not long after I graduated with my engineering degree. We worked out so DW could go to night school to finish her BS while I was working on my MBA (online). She was home with the Skid during the day until he started school. At that point she started working at a business that was only a few minutes drive from our home. As far as the kid was concerned she remained a SAHM. She walked to the corner to put him on the school bus each morning and she was there when he got off of the bus in the afternoon. She would drop him at a drop in day care on her way to class in the evenings and I would pick him up on my way home from work. He and I would have dad/kid time for a couple of hours then it was time for me to study. He studied with me. I was digging into MBA stuff, he studied Dr. Suess, Where the Wild Things Are, etc....
As SS got older we continued that model. I finished my MBA, my bride finished her MBA, she became a CPA, and created a successful career of her own. It is about partnership, and working it out together keeping in mind that the kids have to be held to behavioral and performance standards that you and your SO wills set and enforce. Kids that have that as the structure in their lives nearly all reach a status of viable adulthood regardless of the biology involved in their primary family.
So, get an application in for a training or education program and start mapping your own opportunities within your blended family situation.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Great advice! I wish someone
Great advice! I wish someone had told me this when I was a SAHM with my little ones. I'm getting back into the workforce after 20 years of parenting and it's rough. Most places don't care about education they want experience, and they don't care about your time in the PTA.
Staying home is great for the kids and the man, but it severely restricts opportunities for the mother.
Amen Texan sista, preach it!
Amen Texan sista, preach it! You have a great self image and are a strong woman, what an example for your children.
In hind sight I see that all I did by staying home with the kids was further exH's career. He did really well in the military and now has a high paying job at a hospital. I'm just finishing up a tech program and working temp jobs. When we divorced he said, "I wanna see you suffer," and I did. He took all our money and left me w/4 young kids. I had to beg our church for food, beg his command to have him give me some money. I didn't qualify for welfare because I was technically still married. It sucked, I was really stuck. Meanwhile, he had the skills and paycheck and went on his merry way.
I blamed him for putting his/my children and I in such a terrible situation, but I also blamed myself because I had zero skills and backup plan in case anything happened. I preach independence to my children and luckily my daughter listened. She works like a mad woman and is addicted to getting a paycheck.
Good Job! ps. I LOVE your
Good Job!
ps. I LOVE your screen name
I think this is such a tough
I think this is such a tough subject because there are jerks out there who want to control their wives via money, and there are really good men who would never think to do such things. I am still 100% in favor of someone staying home with/for the kids but I can see from these stories why it would make someone nervous. My ex was horrible with money. When our kids were young I started a home business that later turned into what supported us and still does. He tried to tell our counselor that our problems came from me focusing on my business rather than our marriage and they tried to tell me I needed to stop my business. Well I knew that it was because of his constant lying and porn addiction, so I ignored that advice. I can see where it gets complicated in a blended family. You'd have to find a really good and giving person who doesn't mind supporting someone else's kid.