Question regarding BF paying for this besides CS
Here's a question I'm posting from my BM role.
DD15 has a possible opportunity to study abroad. Great experience, but also expensive. She would get a job or two and also work at getting some sponsorships and/or fundraising. She knows a student a year ahead of her who raised the money primarily on her own, so she knows that with hard work it can be done. The problem is that the process, once set in motion, moves very quickly and she would need to pay $950 next month and another $950 the month after, which does not give her any time to earn the money, and I certainly don't have it.
So...her BF does promptly pay CS every month. In 15 years I have not asked for any increase, even though he makes substantially more than the very good salary he was making 15 years ago. He sends her a birthday gift and Christmas gift every year, plus a couple times, including this year, he has bought her some school clothes or sent her $100-200 for school shopping. We shared the cost of braces, although he did pay my portion up front and I paid him back over time. He pays her health insurance, and although it's in the CO that he pays all medical, I have paid all out-of-pocket medical expenses (not worth the hassle). At this point I will also mention that he is very well off, and his parents are truly wealthy. I have struggled financially since we divorced. I will admit here freely that CS is not spent only on her, but to also maintain our standard of living such that we have a decent house and the utilities not turned off and she can have some "extras". Her BF was supportive of this, knowing that I couldn't devote myself to my career the same way he had. Still, I'm sure he and his wife do not love writing out that child support check every month, as I learned from my SO paying CS, and as a point which has been driven home very clearly since finding Step Talk.
She doesn't talk to him very often, but then he doesn't make much effort to see her or call her either. I keep reading here about skids who rarely contact their BF, but certainly do when they want something. DD doesn't want to appear that way either, but she wants to ask him to help her with this money. She is not very materialistic, especially compared to BF and his family. Obviously there was nothing written in the CO, because who could have foreseen this when she was a newborn?
So, Step Talkers, how out of line do you think it is to ask her more or less absentee father for some money and/or a loan? I have a little bit of discomfort with it, or I wouldn't be asking. I also want her to have this chance- it's important to her beyond just a fun chance to travel; you would have to know her and her future plans (yeah, at 15 she's got some) to "get" why this is such an exceptional opportunity for her. Sadly, he doesn't know her in that kind of way. I also don't think he has been there for her in any meaningful kind of way and this is kind of the least he could do. I also think he can easily afford it, but I don't know for a fact that he doesn't have moral objections to handing over $1900 to a kid. I also don't imagine his wife will think it's a great investment, judging by what I read from other SMs on this site.
Right now I'm thinking about just emailing him the situation and trying to convey to him what this would mean to her. From what I knew of him, it will be hard to make him understand because, although he is very intelligent, he doesn't always see the "softer" value of things. As in if it doesn't directly lead her to a good-paying job or have some other sort of tangible return, he might not think it's important.
Or maybe it would be better to let her take the lead. Or maybe it would be better to leave it alone altogether. I don't know...
Forgot to mention that the
Forgot to mention that the $1900 is just a down payment and represents about 30% of the cost.
Thanks for the response...hopefully I'm not a nutty BM
. But this makes me realize she should have the details plus ask him to make any checks out to the exchange organization.
If it were something I'd
If it were something I'd allow my own child to do, then I wouldn't be so quick to keep my SKs from having the same experience.
If we couldn't afford it,then of course the answer would be no.
I wouldn't. I'd tell your DD
I wouldn't. I'd tell your DD that she either can't do it, or go find some sponsors.
She has little to do with her father. He pays, dutifully, everything he should and on time.
Now you want her to go asking for more $$? what does that teach HER?
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I don't think it hurts to
I don't think it hurts to ask,BUT.. it should come from her and not you.
I don't think parenting begins and ends with child support. I also think that parents have just as much responsibility to keep in contact with their children as the children themselves.
At 15, kids don't usually interact much with their parents intact or not. I know as the CP, I practically had to force my teenagers to spend time with me. They have so much of their own stuff going on, and until they have their own kids, they'll never understand it.
Also, make sure this is a viable invitation. My husband just brought a letter to me regarding his daughter having the same opportunity. I didn't have the heart to tell the poor dear that my daughter had the same invite at the same age. I think it is almost standard mailings
hmmmm....as a BM I would be
hmmmm....as a BM I would be asking the father but I know it would be yet another NO....BUT he would run me around saying he would do every thing he can to get it...but in the end it would be no...
However, my ex owes ova 4 thousand dollars worth of child support and he never calls them nor sends them presents...occaissionally he might put in 100 to their bank account for xmas...
But im also a SM and I believe that once your divorced you give up all access to your ex husbands wallet...especially if your ex now has his own family. Putting the man in such a position where he feels guilty to help find the money for you could put his now current family in a debt situation and cause issues for you going forward....
Your lucky that he has been so sincere and generous for his obviously lovely daughter....but sometimes we have to admit to what we can and cant afford...
If you can afford it fine...if you cant then dont feel guilty...its just the way life is....I actually had to fight my way up the corporate ladder to afford the private schools and os trips for them...no help off the ex wanker....
Get the daughter to bring it up with him as I really do think that Dad should be asked how he feels about his daughter going os to study anyway....
LET US KNOW HOW YOU GO
Thanks for the rest of the
Thanks for the rest of the input.
No, she hasn't been accepted, so it's not a done deal anyway, but it is a very realistic possibility. I was thinking we would stop the interview process now if it didn't look like we could make those first 2 payments.
And, true, if she does get accepted and we can't afford it, well then there is life experience for her in that.
Also, I had thought right off that he should have input as to whether she should even go (again, if accepted), because she would be gone for 10-12 months. He has gone longer than that without seeing her in the past, however, and that I blame solely on him. And the teenager not being communicative with a parent thing- very true and since he has an older step-daughter he's been there done that. He even warned me it was coming.
He has no other kids and his SD is in college (surely a change to their finances), but I know roughly what his financial situation is and it could easily withstand this, especially if it is only a loan. I also feel like he knows I've invested way more in her than he has, even with the CS and gifts. Oddly, if this were golf clubs or some other tangible thing she wanted, I don't think he'd hesitate. He's a very black and white person, not very impressed with things like other cultures.
I guess the main issue boils down to whether he thinks it would be worth it and the awkward position of asking him. I should add- my daughter doesn't feel nearly as uncomfortable about it as I do, but we did talk about how it might come across to him.
And if I were truly an ex-wife still trying to get in his wallet, she'd have a lot more things and I wouldn't have waited 15 years to hit him up
Well said mamaalthea....you
Well said mamaalthea....you are not one of the normal ex wives who feel they have full entitlement to the ex husbands wallet even when the ex husband has moved on to their own family....Anyone reading your post would see that....
I meant to also add...if the father has money and can afford it...then yes he should be asked to cough up some extra cash....
In my situation my DH ex calls wen ever to get him to pay half of what ever she decides to purchase for the kids...and we go broke in the process....
Ive put my foot down and am now requesting the lawyer put a stop to it....
If your daughter wants to go so badly...call the father tonight and get him on to it....
If he is paying for the SD college fees etc., then he could surely spare some extra mueller for his own BD
Good luckl
I hate to be the party pooper
I hate to be the party pooper but - $6,000 for a 15 year old to travel?? That seems like a LOT to me. Why doesn't she see her dad exactly??
Can she study abroad in college instead? Many college kids seem to do this now and she would be a little less vulnerable as an older child on her own like that.
I think money should not be a substitute for a relationship. She has her whole life to travel I M O!
I agree lots of money....but
I agree
lots of money....but if the daddy is rich...cough up!!
studying in universtity would be better...there are some fantastic universities in Australia...drinking age is 18 down there...!!!
Yeah, if this opportunity
Yeah, if this opportunity doesn't work out, she will have lots of time ahead of her. The fee is A LOT, for sure. I do really and truly get how ridiculously "entitled" this whole situation is. The fee is for 10-12 months, but also includes an open-ended airline ticket in case of emergency and health insurance (since our plans don't work overseas), both of which are expensive. I'm not worried about her earning the rest of the money on her own- there is enough time for that...it's just that first amount that would be a problem.
It's hard to explain why this would be so important to her. I know all moms think their kids are "special", but this goes all the way to the root of her personality. Again, she could have another chance later on down the road. We're not like breathlessly on pins and needles here.
As far as why she doesn't see her dad? I don't know for sure. I can say that he has turned out to be far more selfish than I ever imagined. Selfish enough that had he not left me for the "other woman", we very well might have eventually divorced anyway. He moved across country when she was a baby. He does take what I consider to be pretty big trips a couple times per year (cruises, carribean, Florida), but can't seem to be bothered to travel to see her. He pays for her to visit her grandparents, aunt, and cousins 1-2 times per year. He just kind of stopped having her come out to stay with him. He doesn't act like anything is wrong and hasn't changed how he sounds when he talks to her or about her with me. I think it's just not a priority for him. He rarely calls, texts, or emails her. There's really not much there for her to fail to reciprocate. I don't think any of us here would expect for a kid to take all the initiative to keep the relationship alive.
Her dad makes well into the 6 figures per year and I know that the amount she would be asking for is less than he probably drops for a golf or Vegas weekend, so the amount isn't really an issues, I don't think. DD is sensitive enough, however, to know that money isn't, in fact, a good basis for a relationship and therefore feels the awkwardness. The funny thing, though, is that I don't think she sees him as an "absentee" father quite the same way I do, not that I ever say anything about it. It's just normal for her, I guess.
Anyway, the question I posted here was more of an idle question than OH MY GOD WHAT SHOULD I DO?. I'm actually more rooted in reality than I sound like in this thread.
YOUR Situation sounds like
YOUR Situation sounds like me...
after he moved a 3 day drive away...his children were outta sight and outta mind..
he decided that he doesnt have to call, write, email nothing....until I hooked back up with love of my life then the pressure was turned up cos I was coming over here with them
All of a sudden they are the long lost children of the desert or something....I get hardly a sent off him for their keep and never sends them a birthday present...but what annoys me the most...
my kids sort of dont care that he is like that and still see him as the 'father of the year' - and im just the bitch the feeds them, clothes them, schools them, cares for them, doctors them etc etc etc...
annoying.
I think lots of kids from
I think lots of kids from nuclear families ask their parent's for "extras" so what's the difference with her asking her father for extras? My DD's father has been doing a good job of paying CS for the past 2 years but when it came to go school shopping this year and DD had medical expenses (he is also not very involved), I did ask him if he could purchase some things for her that we wouldn't be able to. He agreed with no hesitation. I didn't know CS was the ONLY thing the father would EVER have to pay for. It doesn't always cover the "extra" things and I think it would be worth a shot asking, especially since it's not often and this is a great opportunity for her.
Well, my daughter was
Well, my daughter was accepted into the foreign exchange program. She implored me to contact her dad first. I agreed, mostly because he initiates communication with her through me usually, so it's kind of what our precedent is. I emailed him the generalities of the program and stressed how super-excited and proud she is and that she would want to fill him in on the rest.
Five days went by with no response from him. I emailed him again today, very politely asking if he got my previous email because it's normally not like him to not reply. He answered back right away- he was traveling and forgot to answer. So all this hand-wringing over how he would react...and he pretty much forgot about it. Seems like I got all worked up about contacting him for no reason. He says he'll call me.
I'll report back in what he says about the $$. I'm wondering if I'll need to ask him how the South American cruise he went on was...
So...turns out exH was fine
So...turns out exH was fine with helping out, except that he's claiming to not have any money. I know him well enough to know what his version of not having any money means. It means his "pocket money" this week is not enough to pay for it. I know his habits and philosophy regarding spending and saving. He does not know what truly not having money is.
On a happy note, I pulled out the savings bonds DD has been receiving from various family members since she was a baby. Turns out she has enough to almost cover the first 2 payments. The trip is on...