Please Please help!!! Need advice on problem child!!
I've been with my girlfriend for 5 months now and I'm in love with her. Unfortuately, she has a 5 year old son that is out of control. For some reason she always feels so sorry for him so she buys him toys constantly even when he's bad. From the minute he opens his eyes until he closes his eyes for bedtime he's a monster. All day long he acts up and doesn't listen to us when we try to discipline him. She tries to discipline him using a naughty chair and spankings but nothing works. I've tried so hard to bond with him and have a relationship with him but the only person that could love this child is his mother. When I try to play toys and games with him he yells at me, when I try to take him somewhere like a playground he complains and gets snotty. This kid never enjoys life. He doesn't know how to play by himself so he is constantly hanging around us and complaining. He has no respect for our things and he will not apologize for anything he does wrong. He slaps and hits me all the time and thinks its funny. I've tried to talk to my gf about it but she just tells me that I don't know anything about children and its normal behavior. Our life just revolves around him, we can't enjoy life because we constantly have to tend to him. I hate bringing him places because he talks super loud and makes a scene when we won't buy him something. He's a master manipulator and bossy. He's allowed to chew gum even though he put it in a girls hair, eat and drink in his room (his room is filthy), he chooses his dinner (chicken nuggets or cereal). Last week he got mad because I had to chase him around the house to get my shirt from him, then he grabbed a lighter off the table and told me he was going to burn my house down. Then what is bizarre is she thinks he is the sweetest boy because he tells her how beautiful she is. He only tells her that to get a new stuffed animal to add to his collection of 300. He started to do this really strange thing lately where he kiss his mom on the cheek but he holds the kiss and moves his head around and makes smacking noises. Then he kisses her up and down both arms, like slowly. All this really grosses me out because its like 2 adults would kiss each other. She even said something to him about it the other day. I don't know if he's jealous of our relationship or what. But I guess my question is.. how would you guys handle this? Is it ok to stand up for myself and say something to him when he hits me? He trashes my car and house when he's over and I don't say anything because im afraid she'll get pissed about it.
OK, you shouldn't let him hit
OK, you shouldn't let him hit you or be disrespectful of you or your property. But I'm sorry to say that this will not change. This is what its like being a stepparent for most of us. Your stepkids behaviour will bug you to no end and you won't understand how the parent can put up with it or even love the child. And you don't really have a say in raising the child.
I'm sorry I don't have any good advice other than that this is what its going to be like and you should decide if you can live with it in the long run.
The kid sounds mostly normal to me by the way
Exactly ^^^ She doesn't
Exactly ^^^ She doesn't respect him. If DH says something about my kids, I immediately tell them "Daddy X said he would appreciate it if you didn't do this or that" and it is a done deal. Because I respect him, but most of all, because I respect myself.
She is probably some pretty face that has gotten by in life with some skimpy clothes and who really is destructive toward herself, her son and every man she is with. I know her type well- it's BM all over again- at 46 she is on (husband) #6 who actually is smart enough to not marry her, she has a kid from all 5 Baby Daddies and all the kids are sad little creatures that are left to fend for themselves. She actually even had the audacity to try to get pregnant with this one to trap him too, all along her children are raised by everyone but her... Ugh RUN!
@ lavender My ex had nieces
@ lavender My ex had nieces and nephews, of course I didn't live with them but I was around them A LOT and they didn't act anything like my gf son does. So I don't believe this is all normal behavior. If I talked to my mom half as bad as he does I she would have whooped my ass. PLus she told me her ex told her he was a bad kid and "something is wrong" with him. But thanks for the advice.
@ybarra357 I think she doesn't step up to parent him because she wants to be his "best friend". She even tells him he's her best friend. But then when he acts up she wants to switch over to "mother mode" and try to discipline him but he could care less what she says to him. I think she's scared if she disciplines him too much or makes him to chores and be responsible that he won't love her anymore. She basically told me she had him because she was lonely in life and wants someone to take care of her when she's old. And I agree that he's going to have some major issues in the future. He won't be able to take care of her because he'll be in jail.
@keepitsimplestupid If I ask him to stop doing something like jumping on my back or kicking me, or if I ask him to pick up his toys or dishes she gets an attitude with me and gets defensive. I found gum on my floor the other day and asked him to pick it up, she ran in the room and started to defend him for it. The teacher sent a note home from school that said he was misbehaving and she wanted to write something back to the teacher in the comments section because she was upset at the teacher. Are you kidding me??? But how do I show her child how I expect to be treated? I know I'm not supposed to be the one to discipline him and frankly I don't want to. But how do I approach the situation when he's being disrespectful to me?
This kid has no responsiblites or rules. He has a 32 inch flat screen in his room, tons and tons of toys, we take him to EVERYTHING (zoos, waterparks, fairs) and no matter where we take him he complains the whole time. We can never enjoy anything. What kid cries and complains at a water park?? He has no rules or chores around the house. He never has to clean or pick up anything, leaves his dishes wherever he wants. Then I have to listen to him calling me names, yelling, and hitting me all day. My life sucks.
He cries because she feeds
He cries because she feeds him junk, he might even have a butt rash from not being taken care of properly. Ugh
Remember: My husband and I have a saying "It is not what you MISS in a relationship, it's what you DON'T MISS"...You too will look back and think "She was a hot girl, but who can live like that?"
* "Don't talk to me like
* "Don't talk to me like that"
* "We don't speak that way in this house"
* *We can stay here and enjoy the water park or we can go home and watch you clean your room"
* "If the park's not good enough for you, I guess you want to go home and clean your room"
* "Never, ever do that again"
* "If you whine, you have to pay me back for the tickets" Then start confiscating toys as payment
Memorize some of the above lines. Then when the stars in your eyes dim just a bit, memorize the most important one of all:
* "I love you, babe, but we just don't want the same things in life. Bye"
This will never get better as long as you allow it. If you have a child with your gf, you will find yourself raising a similarly ill behaved child who becomes your extremely disappointing adult child.
No, the kid's behavior is not normal. Kids are rambunctious, but by 5 they should have some manners and should know better than to kick babies. This child will turn into a big teenager that gets into big trouble. Save yourself.
He's confused. Between
He's confused. Between catering to Mommy as her little "male companion" and her permissive behavior, he is struggling to grasp his world, which has no boundaries. The more boundaries kids have, the healthier they grow up.
This really is not rocket
This really is not rocket science. If they don't live with you, you tell her that he is no longer allowd to come over with her. If they do live with you, it's time to tell her they need to move until and unless you see her parenting her child effectively - and that does include discipline and discussing therapy for the child with hs ped - and taking a parenting class *together*.
Is his behavior normal? Heck yes - for a child who is allowed to behave as s/he pleases. For a child who is beinf effectively parented? No.
If you choose to stay in this situation? You really have no one to blame but yourself.
In case you stay: my skid is
In case you stay: my skid is going to be 10 in a few months. She was raised by her parents the same as your girlfriend is raising her kid. (Only when SO and I moved in together a year ago did I get him--with resistance, of course--to actually parent his child. He's great about parenting most of the time, but still acts like your girlfriend sometimes. At least the kid has gotten better.)
Anyway, my skid would act like yours when we took her to parks and other fun places. Here's how we got her to act right: before we went, we'd tell her what the next fun thing on our list was, and then we'd tell her that if she didn't act right on this one, she'd lose the next one. "Today we are going to the park. If you do these things [give the list--act out when we tell you it's time to go, stop listening to us after we get home, etc.] then we will not go to [fun place] in two weeks." The first few times, we'd remind her several times "remember the trip to [next fun place]?" but after that, it was on her to make her own decisions. She did have to lose one of those fun things before it REALLY set in. The trick is not to let your girlfriend double back and say things like "Well we thought about it and we decided to be nice and still take you to [next fun thing]." The second trick is that, on the day that second fun thing was to occur, don't replace it with another fun thing. That day, the kid stays home and you say, just once, "We are just staying home today. We were gonna go to [fun place] but you lost that privilege due to bad behavior at [first fun place]."
I'd have loved to also do that "we're turning the car around" thing, or, if already there, "we're leaving now" thing, but SO never went for it. We'd stay at the "fun" place with a shitty kid and she'd ruin the day. She still gets shitty sometimes (my SO slipped on this tactic and I told him last weekend we need to start it again) but overall it's much better when we are out.
Good luck.
We went through that shitty
We went through that shitty kid thing at an event our first year of marriage. We finally got that ironed out to where he knows I am going to want to leave if certain things happen and I know that if I announce we're leaving due to SD behavior that he will back me up.
During the first year he did not know that's what was in my head and I did not know he would back me up because I couldn't understand why he wasn't doing it in the first place. Turns out his philosophy was "just get through it." He has since learned now that no one but his ex-wife endorses that philosophy. Not a good position to be in!
Amazing what happens when we let thoughts escape through our mouths. It can be very hard to do, though.
You just wait until you have
You just wait until you have another kid with her, then you will break up, she'll be onto Baby Daddy #3 (or #5, like our esteemed BM) and your kid will live in a slum with all of them together.
Please, date her, use protection, stay friends with benefits, whatever, but I have no respect for such a bad mother.
on the other hand, if you just HAVE TO be with her, just know that you too will live in your room, trying to get away from this monster that will grow bigger and nastier every day. They do.
There are plenty of amazing young women out there without all this baggage.
You are young and with options, most of us do not have many options at our age, that is why we stay in this mess.
My DH tells me every day "I wish I would have never wasted my years with that trash".
My family and friends tell me
My family and friends tell me this all the time. I fell in love with her but its starting to be all too much. I really wanted to hang in there with the hopes that maybe kindergarten or something would change him. I feel really caught up in this and most of the time she makes me feel guilty that I need to love her child and be a "family". But then I take a step back and realize that I'm 31, no kids, great job, own my own home, in good shape, and have a kind heart. I feel like I deserve better. I really appreciate everyones advice, thanks.
You sound like a great guy
You sound like a great guy and you do deserve better. Hell, I finally realize I deserve better. My hubby and I met through a job and I moved over 400 miles to marry him. I kinda feel stuck so it's best to back out now before you have a lot more to lose. Looking back, I had a home, a good job and was quite content with my life. I wonder all the time what it would have been like if I had never left. Good luck to you! I know it's not an easy decision but the longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave.
Joe, I don't know how else to
Joe, I don't know how else to tell you this but if you do not RUN now, the rest of your life could be a living hell. I was in your position 11 years ago. I was madly in love with a man who had a 7 year old son and 5 year old daughter who were completely out of control. (The son was MUCH worse.) The first time I told him "no" on anything, he had completely no use for me and looked at me as if he wished I'd drop dead. Next year, we will be married 10 years and right now, I'm not even speaking to my husband because I'm tired of him doing things behind my back to appease his kids and NEVER takes my feelings, thoughts, ideas or opinions into consideration. I found out this time last year that my DH had even been lying to me for months over something that his son did but knew I wouldn't like so it was easier to lie to me and over both their tracks. I'm still wondering what that says about our marriage. I feel like a major trust was broken but he always turns EVERY argument around to the fact that if I had just been a more loving step mother, we would not be in this position. After everything is blamed on me, I shut down and after a few days, we start talking again until the next time. Trust me, this is no way to live. I do love my husband but I'm also very angry and resentful because he never stood up for me at all and let his kids treat me like shit. Eventually, the resentment will eat away at me. Meanwhile, I take high blood pressure pills and nerve pills, etc.
RUN NOW....AND RUN FAST AND
RUN NOW....AND RUN FAST AND FAR.....I have been with my partner 2 years, he has sole custody of his 2 boys 13 & 9. They are evil little monsters, I have never in my life encountered such nasty creepy unsettled rude and uncouth children in my life, I made the mistake of thinking it was due to the breakdown of his first marriage, and their mother walking out on them for another man and they just needed some TLC..No what they need is military school, and a swift kick up the backside as they get out of bed every morning in the hopes that they will attempt to tow the line for the day. I get no back up, no support, and no thanks for all I do for them, I LOVE their father like there is no tomorrow and can not stand the thought of life without him, but if I'd known at the 3 month mark, what I know now, I would never in a million years, carried on with the relationship, and every day I wake up wondering if I can survive it without packing a suitcase and leaving without ever looking back.
^^^"accidental pg/lonely"^^^
^^^"accidental pg/lonely"^^^ yup
That "lonely" comment about the gf's motivation for for having a kid made my skin crawl. OP, I kknow you're in love now, but there are characteristics of this girl that you have not really noticed yet. I'm not as bothered by the pace as others are, but some flaming red flags are scorching me.
Your problem is NOT the child
Your problem is NOT the child - it's your girlfriend. Forget trying to change the kid's behavior, you can't. You need to get your GF to change, and that's gonna be tough because she's basically told you she doesn't need or want to change. So I'd say play hardball. Tell her that she is welcome in your home anytime, but she needs to find a babysitter, that until SS is behaving much better he is not allowed in your home. Drive separately to events that SS is going to be at, and if he acts up tell her she either gets it under control or you're going home. You're not married, it sounds like you're not living together, there is no reason you should have to see this child at all. One of two things will happen - either she'll wise up and start parenting, or you'll break up and she'll find someone else who will put up with the kid. For a while. Either way YOU don't have to deal with it.
Good luck.
Question: Where is the Baby
Question: Where is the Baby Daddy? Question: What do you like so much about this woman? Question: What does your mother say about this (or sister)?