Please help
Well not sure where to start, not sure whether best to keep trying in the relationship or just walk.
bf has full custody of sd7, they basically live at mine. When he is not there, sd7 is pretty 'normal', acts entitled etc but not too bad considering what she gets away with with bf - she's smart, she knows when & how to behave when needed. But when he is there it's like a different child! & I know it's his fault, not hers. It's been him & her (with his family help!) for quite some time & he has enabled her to become spoilt, needy, clingy & behave like a 2yo having a mega tantrum when not getting her own way or I tell her no or wait etc. Or even if I say no to driving out to a shop miles away & buying whatever toy or snack she wants!
Bf will drive to a shop day or night to treat her to what she wants, no occasion or treat for good behaviour.. just because she 'wants it'. Her bedtime is ridiculous, she'd been used to 'daddy' lying with her until asleep, so having a now 9:30pm bedtime is a battle (I think too late still), sometimes still awake at midnight & constantly calling bf in for random crap or just a 'cuddle' or tell him she loves him, just to get him to go to her (before bed she's offered a snack, drink, kiss goodnight & cuddle from him). Some days she'll decide to fake cry & be upset over whatever because I've told her no & she wants his attention, for example yesterday I asked her to tidy her toys she'd put on my bed.. cries to daddy about something else & he goes & tidies it for her. We get zero time alone in eves as she's always awake & if I'm lucky 1 eve a momth she will stay at his mums. She's always got to be clinging to him. There is zero consequences for her bad behaviour at all so it wont change, he gives the right answers about starting to change & put some rules etc in but he never follows through with it. She has to have all attention on her at all times with him & be entertained at all times otherwise the whining & manipulation tantrums will begin. Can also never talk with her about as she's always listening & butting in as well as believing her opinion or wants trumps everyone else, been used to telling daddy where/when etc. I've never known a 7yo that can play & manipulate her daddy quite like she can. He doesn't see it as clearly as I do as it's never been any different to him, so seems normal. His family have said that since spending time with me her behaviour has really improved, surely that should say something to bf & he'd be more willing to put the changes in to helping her become a more balanced child for the future & help our relationship. I firmly believe there should be time for us as a couple as well as family time.
This is a bit jumbled as I'm so stressed with it now & nothing changing!
I don't dislike the child at all & we get on well 90% of the time when he's not about, but resentment is slowly creeping in where it's really affecting us as a couple.
For starters, stop letting
For starters, stop letting them "basically" live with you.
Personally, I would leave him be to raise his daughter, and find someone with whom I could have a real relationship with.
Thanks for the reply hereiam!
Thanks for the reply hereiam! Things were going well before we 'basically' lived together hence why I agreed, I say basically as he goes back to his mums with sd7 now & again for an eve, which to be honest I enjoy! & gives a chance to chat via message properly as sd7 is always bloody awake & not far from daddy. He hasn't got his own place so time would still be an issue, when we got together he was still paying off debts from previous relationship with bm so lived with his mum in a very full house, which is no doubt where he'd return to be looked after by mummy.
But yes I am strongly considering calling it a day now, it's not as if I haven't been upfront with how I feel about things & although he gives the 'right' answers, he doesn't actually follow through with changes other than a ridiculously late bedtime for a 7yo. It's a shame as before bringing sd7 in to the deal/family together we really got on perfectly.
I myself have a bd15 and she includes sd7 so well in to the family, is respectful of bf and unfortunately she would now be affected by our parting ways
She will be affected even
She will be affected even more by continuing to see, and live in, this unhealthy dynamic.
Very true! I'm quite open
Very true! I'm quite open with anything that involves bd15 directly, so she does know the problems I am experiencing in the relationship as far as sd7's behaviour & her bd's lack of correction goes. So it wouldn't exactly be a shock to her anyway I'm sure
Hi
Hi
I didn't get to the end of your post because I got all I needed from the beginning. I don't fully understand it because I've only just found this forum after 10 years, but it's parenting by guilt. I'm sure you can google that or others can tell you more.
It's not going to change unless he changes for himself. If you have the ability to talk to him and he implements changes....Fantastic....Otherwise you will just end up building resentment, my experience only. You will feel resentment because nothing changes.
As you've said she is capable of being a well behaved child, but she knows that when Dad comes home she can play him for the fool he is.
Clear boundaries have to be set. I've had to do it with my kids, especially at bedtime, they take the piss, I put them to bed e.t.c, they make noises and keep coming back upstairs to disturb my time at the end of a long day. Even last night I had to firmly tell my daughter she is not to come back upstairs (bedrooms are downstairs) unless she is on fire and even then she can go see mum who is in her bedroom or put herself out.
Your partner needs to set clear boundaries and stick to them but my thoughts are he would rather pander to her than actually go through the HARDSHIP and trouble of sorting her out. Easier to deal with the hardship and have her love him long term than her hate him short term. This is what I think is the problem with my partner. Instead of dealing with the crap for say a few weeks, she would rather deal with the shit that is going to come for 50 years. That way she/he doesn't have to deal with it and the Bio can just kick the can down the road.
Yes parenting by guilt is
Yes parenting by guilt is something I stumbled across last night & been looking in to, along with mini wife syndrome which I feel sd7 is showing the characteristics of & will only get worse, especially as he undermines me with her.
you are so right about the resentment coming from not changing! I have spoken to him on many occasions about it all, he gives me the 'right' answers then doesn't follow through on implementing the changes. So just false hope then building resentment. And now because I have to bring it up so often (for my own sanity & hope of saving the relationship) he's began to get defensive or just make excuses, normal excuse is - we've been like it for a long time, it will take time to change. As I've explained to him, yes with sd7 & I expect & am fully prepared for the reasonably long term behaviour that will come with being treated as a normal 7yo & not getting everything her way, but him.. he is an adult & I expect him to be able & willing to put the changes in to place for her sake & ours, be able to reprimand bad behaviour (I'm not talking smack her or anything, but for example if bad at bedtime then go to bed half hour earlier the following night) etc.
You sound a little like me re boundaries! My own had boundaries, after a certain time of night as I work a hard physical job, it's adult time.. quiet & sleep time for younger ones. They have plenty of freedom & looking after in their hours, their needs are met & I need my time at the end of a day. Unfortunately sd7 has never had anything close to boundaries.
i think you may be very right with him not being able to cope with the short term hate she will give him for the changes.
thank you for the reply! I'm so glad to not feel alone & people so far to not think I'm the bitch for wanting a more what I'd call normal relationship.
i hope your situation improves too!
I read that whole post this
I read that whole post this time
Sounds very similar and probably the stories of so many people on here. Use this site, it is a lifeline with people with step kids, places like mumsnet are not geared towards this and filled with judgment....Horrible judgment...
You are not crazy, you are not wrong. He just can't deal with it, he's not equipped to, not because he is a man, my partner cannot deal with it either, she would rather ignore it and let it carry on.....It is madness, but after ten years I've realised how mad it is and can't deal with it or her anymore. Her kids are now 18+ and I make sure I tidy up and deal with my kids but leave all her kids stuff to her.....How does she deal with it? She asks them to do things, they don't and then she tidies up after them and gets pi$$ed of with me, but slowly she is realising it aint my problem. Your SK is young and BD needs to deal with it but he probably expects you to deal with it and will get annoyed when you don't.
Don't be like a lot of people on this site, a lot of people just end up dealing with the mess, the crap, the problems, which means the BIO doesn't have too. My situation 10 years later. I've stopped and maaaaaan I can see the stress on my partners face, not my problem....You sorrt your kids out and then I'll help too, but I'm not sorting them out for you.
Good luck. If you don't have kids with this man, I suggest making plans now to leave or at least get your own place. I'm writing a book called PapaLosophy and in it (when I give to my kids at 18) it states....NEVER GET WITH A PERSON THAT HAS KIDS.
The day my son or daughter turns up with someone with kids I will tell them NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
It really is! My god.. the
It really is! My god.. the relief I felt stumbling across this site last night!
I am beginning to do less & less for him & sd7 as it wasn't doing any good & just piling more on my plate.
I'm in no way trying to make myself look super here, but just so people have an idea of the effort I have put in myself.. I work a 44hr week normally, sometimes less sometimes more, but I start stupid o'clock in the am so I am finished lunchtime, I also run a small holding, run 3 yards, compete horses normally, have working dogs, daughter myself, help my elderly nan multiple times a week & have currently had health scare with cervical cancer where they're going back in to remove more in the next few weeks. As well as still getting grief from controlling ex husband & his family etc etc.
Now, to try & 'help' (or so I stupidly thought), I took over a lot if not most of sd7's parenting.. I did school runs, cook her dinner (she's seriously fussy & will not eat the same as rest of us), homework, clean, provide ponies/dogs/freedom, wipe her ass when she's sick, put on birthday party, treat her no different to my bd15 in terms of what she gets (difference is my daughter never asks nor expects or has as complex needs, never did at 7yo either!). There isnt anything I haven't been prepared to help with. All in the hope that she would begin to realise she could rely on me & not be so clingy to bf, obviously that never worked, so now I am beginning to back off in the amount I will do for her & him.
The only thing I wasn't expected to do was any of the discipline as I expect decent behaviour & repercussions for bad. If I ask her to do something he does it, if she's told off.. he's cuddling with her 10min later.
So like you say, I have to not deal with the crap & mess etc!
Luckily it is my own place we are at, so they will be doing the leaving.. back to town sharing with his mum & losing out on the ponies, freedom & care she got here, that even his family said they were both so lucky to get.
thank you! I need all the luck I can get I think lol
i would absolutely love details on how to get your book once finished!!!
"Has he done the "work"?"
On Steptalk, we often ask, "Has he done the work?" It means does he have a legal custody agreement, does he have a place to live that is set up for a child (frig, bed, etc), is the child doing well with him ( bedtime, hygiene, behavior), etc. Your BF sounds like he is still in the early stages, no home of his own, struggling with behavior issues like bedtime and so on. Its really hard for a woman to come in to a situation where dad "hasnt done the work" as you know. He would need to make some major changes in his thinking and behavior with her. I'd throw this one back and find a guy either without kids, or one who " has done the work". Good luck.
YES
YES
If I was seperated from my partner, I would not allow guilt to get in the way. She probably would as she has done with her children, but not with mine. She would let them get away with all kinds of crap (too long to go into detail) but me no. I want my children to be independent, grown up and so many other things. I don't care if they don't like me, one day they will look back and thank me!!!!!!
As you say, he's definitely
As you say, he's definitely in the early stages! Has legal full custody & though living with his mum it was set up for the child. Hygiene is ok, but then can still force her to bathe at 7yo! Bedtime & behaviour is not far off non existent.
i honestly thought I knew what I was getting in to (I was a step child & had a shite example of step parenting from s/dad & great experience from s/mum, In fact I appreciate her even more now having to experience it as the s/parent myself!), but its been nothing like expected and he'd made so many promises at the start before becoming 'official' of time together etc and since made so many fruitless promises since of change.
to be honest I think I could cope so much easier with the behaviour situation if he was making more time for us as a couple, but sd7 basically rules our relationship.
yes I am beginning to realise that I'm fighting a losing battle for our relationship & like you say may just need to throw this one back!
thank you
So he isn't capable of being
So he isn't capable of being a father and a lover. A binary guy... not worth your time nor energy.
I think you could be very
I think you could be very right there!
I really do advise you to cut
I really do advise you to cut your losses unless he changes.
One website I always turn to, if you know what issue to turn to is Psycology Today. Google your issue and at the end of your google type in Psycology Today. A great website.
You sound ecactly like me, luckily not 10 years later.
I took on the role of Step Dad as soon as my partner got annoyed that I wasn't doing enough, because I knew she had kids. From that day on I became a dad...Foolishly. I've done everything that a dad would do and it has served me NO good. Trust me and look around this website. There are good stories, of course there are, but it's not an easy job, you never know what you are going to get and in my personal experience it's completely messed up.
Uou have your own place. Kick them out if it's not working for you, the guilt will be hard but not your problem, give them time and them get rid and find someone that does not have kids. YOU WILL BE HAPPIER!!
Do you really want to live this way ?
Give BF the talk, tell him he has to change ASAP. This nonsense has to stop. Set up rules for SD. Bed time at 8 pm. Stop the climbing all over him ect
And see what happens ? If he doesn't change. Most likely will not. You know it time to have him leave and live with his mini wife
Sadly we've had the talk
Sadly we've had the talk plenty of times lately, but he's yet to stick to what's been agreed.
after coming to this site & realising I'm not alone or a monster for feeling like I do about it all I am ready to leave this relationship & chalk it up to an experience never to be repeated! I will, to make myself feel better & one last shot give him a final talk. I won't be doing anything for them unless I see a complete turnaround in his efforts to fix this or putting the efforts in myself, but to match his efforts as & when/if.
thank you
In my opinion you need to
In my opinion you need to have a honest talk with him. Tell him he needs to step up his parenting or else you are leaving him. Agree on all rules (bedtime hour, chores, expected behaviour, consequences for misbehaving, etc) and then evaluate if he is capable to implement and follow through. If he fails to listen to you, gets defensive or fails to follow through then you should leave. If he is unable to fix his parenting now it will only get much much worse.
I completely agree. I've
I completely agree. I've BLINDLY waited around for years for things to change. Only now do I realise now that my eyes aren't closed anymore and I'm asking for change do I realise it just isn't coming.
Not only is it not coming but I'm the problem for asking for it.
You came here for a specific reason, which was advice. I wish I came her 10 years ago, it would negate all the shit I'm now going through. I created a post talking about blaming other people, the reason I did was because I think to myself who is to blame for my current SHIT situation. Me...But what has contributed to it....My partner and her step kids.
I don't want to blame anybody, I want to take responsibility for myself, but fuck me, the stresses I've had to deal with have definitely contributed to it. .
Just my 2 cents.
Forgot to add, you are in a luck position, you can leave or kick them out. A lot of us here are stuck to a certain degree
I am so glad I found this
I am so glad I found this site now & not in 10yrs, though I don't think I could of soldiered it like you have that long to be honest, it will of ended in a massive mess.
I realise now that I would be at fault for allowing it to continue as is, therefore enabling it myself.
oh 100% I am so lucky to literally be able to pull the plug & ive lost nothing bar time.
It has already began to get
It has already began to get slightly worse lately.. the more comfortable she has become around me, the more she thinks she can treat me like her dad, which never flies with me, but will run to daddy afterwards b'coz he will pander to her.
but yes I think one last shot at the talk & him following it through or I'm done
thank you
One last shot. Make sure you
One last shot. Make sure you stick to that. I've got fairly good boundaries but because my own children and poor finances were added to the mix, things have gotten really messed up for me.
Don't let that happen to you. It's already not working for you, it generally doesn't get better. You can stay together if you want but he can live elsewhere with his daughter until he sorts his $hit out.
Oh it will definitely be last
Oh it will definitely be last shot if I decide to even give him that, I can't keep living like this esp knowing it will get worse & that I'm not just being a monster. He won't even get the option to sort his daughter elsewhere & come back, they can be someone else's future problem
You use the word monster.
You use the word monster. Because of everything that has happened over the last 10+ years with me I've started to feel like I'm a monster and her friends do too because of the side of the story she tells.
You're not a monster but eventually in his and his daughters eyes you will be eventually. It will always be you against them unless you are both on the same parenting side.
One last shot (if that)
Well update.. after a final
Well update.. after a final chat, he decided to make it clear to me, he wasn't even willing to stand firm on the bedtime if she gets upset about it, because he doesn't want to feel like shit leaving her to cry about it.
so we are officially over.
thank you everyone for all your advice & experiences!
Shame but lucky escape for
Shame but lucky escape for you. Well done for addressing it and taking action. He might say he'll try after the threat of being kicked out and MAYBE you can give him a chance but if there is no follow through. Forget it. Actions speak LOUDER than words.
All the best ta ya.
Do you really want to make a life with this dumb ass?
Re-read your post and then formulate the advice you would give if you were reading someone else's post. Then do that.
When I read situations similar to yours, what comes to mind is "Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"
Find a grown up of quality to make a life with. The sad thing about so many blended family long term relationships is now is as good as it will ever be. Keep that in mind before you go all in with this failed man, failed partner, failed father, and failed adult. In all likelihood, this will only get worse as this child worshipping dipshit continues to fail as a parent. This kid is going to be an adult sized nightmare before all that long. At this point, cut your losses.
Find a partner who will put you and your relationship as the priority. If he has failed family progeny, they certainly should be the top relationship responsibility but they cannot trump the relationship as the priority for both equity life partners in the relationship.
Good luck, take care of you.
Speaking from absolute
Speaking from absolute experience and the best advice I have.. I'm not even reading others comments but jumped to make my own.
Get. The. Hell. Out.
This madness will not change until something drastic happens and by then it will be too late and the nasty behaviors are to engrained to change. I decided to have 2 kiddos with mine which in turn wound up being a complete shit show none-the-less. Miss. Barbie could not and still doesn't wrap her head around there is more to her fathers world than just her. He also lives with me and his daughter is no where welcomed to my home or around my kids. Her idea of a good time was harming our kids.
Good god, run.