OK, just read this in its entirety before you yell at me.

This girl is 6. 6 yrs old. And in those 6 years she is forced to spend time with someone who does not like her or her mother. And little girls do see themselves as an extension of their mothers.

Little boys will draw pictures of guns and blood spurting out. It doesn't mean they all become mass murderers. And so with pictures. Last night that is how she felt. And she wanted to include her little brother that she loves. And the only people who openly love her or show her affection or attention are... DH BM and the baby. See your older daughter wasn't in the picture. She wanted a family of those who love her and she knows it.

Stop trying to instill adult ideas into a 6 yr old head. Now if she was 10 or 16 I would say you have a problem. But she isn't and you don't. It isn't unhealthy for her to imagine her parents together. After all, name one little girl who wants to think of herself being born due to a ONS or a lie? It is delusional and wishful thinking, that is all. Her father needs to make it clear she has 2 homes and she CAN draw them on one piece of paper. He could start a drawing for her by drawing the outline of a house x2. Then she can add the people. She doesn't understand the family dynamics of having BS as her mother's son. He is just someone in his family who he loves.

If you disengage do not expect any pictures to include you and she will continue to fantasize about the 2 adults who love her to be together. As for herbehaviour, in little kids this falls soley at the feet of the parents who allow the drama queen to rule. Now who would that be?

Seriously, don't worry about the picture. If she had drawn you dead with a stake in your heart I would worry.

My GD tells me about how her mummy and daddy were very happy together then mummy left. No sweetie, they decided they would be happier living apart and both of them have now found people who make them a lot happier. Never would I tell her there was a HUGE custody fight for her and her father cleared out of their apartment one day while DD was at work taking GD with him.

healthnut, I can hear you, but I also think that girls in that age group try out things to get a reaction.Although I know for sure that a part of them knows what they are doing and that they can be highly manipulative I doubt that she could expect it would be a serious bad thing to do.
My SD now 7 would do manipulative things with her drawings, too, eg drawing BM and her BF and herself, writing dad on her stepdads picture and rub it in by showing it to poor SO , pretending she mixed up her Stepdads with her dads name, YES, as if we would believe it was a mix up.She did that all the time and tried to get a reaction.He mostly ignores it- I personally would have introduce a consequence for manipulative behaviour, so she knows and learns, but as she does it with him it is none of my business..
I think your DH did do the right thing to tell her off though.

For a few months after DH & I were married, SD9 (6 yrs old at the time) kept an old framed picture of DH and BM next to her bed. At the time, DH told me he wants her to have it there so that SD would have a picture of HIM. SD was living with BM at the time. I remember all too well how much that disturbed me! I thought if DH wanted SD to keep a picture of him, then why should it be of DH & BM together? I thought that was unhealthy to give SD false hope. It should have been a red flag at the beginning.

But, despite all my temptations to leave DH right at the start when I felt all the future impending drama & step-issues, I stayed with DH and we ended up with full custody and now have our own BD2. Now with SD here full time, DH does not have any past pictures of both DH & BM. We always told SD over the years that a family is made up of the people who raise you, teach you, protect you, and support you. See, BM abandoned SD so my situation required us to explain to SD what a real family is...and sometimes that family is not biologically related.

I was never comfortable telling SD that she has TWO seperate families. In my situation, that just wasn't the right explanation for SD. We tell her she has a REAL family--those who teach, protect, support but in addition to that, in her case she also has a Biological Mom and a Biological Uncle who she has never known. Over 3 years she has developed a sense of familiarity with our family and SD connects with the ones who raise/teach/support, while she views BM as just that. The person who gave birth to her.

For you, I think it just takes time. But I would consider how you want to approach this. Do you really want DH to continue reinforcing the ideas that SD has two seperate families? Do you both keep reinforcing that YOU are doing many things for SD and that the family who raises her is family? That seems to work for me. BUT, I know many people on here do not have full custody or they have 50/50 custody. For those, my approach does not apply. I'm speaking purely from a full-time SM position.

Also, you're doing the right thing by focusing on BD & BS. Disengaging is a great, yet ironic technique. When I disengage, I feel SO much better! Plus, SD9 seems to try and "win" me over more by being more nice and considerate when I disengage. I compare it with the behavior of cats. If you run up to them and try to indulge & cuddle them, they are ignorant toward you and treat you like shit. But, if you ignore them, they magically want to be all up in your shit seeking attention, acting all nice & cute. Strangely, SD behaves very similar.

It's not "inappropriate fantisizing" just because you say so. I raised my SD and these types of things came home all the time.
I had to be the adult and realize it had nothing to do with ME, but rather a little girl who's family was broken up by the adults.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...it's just a child...she's only 6...you are the adult...I/we get all that. But, it still drives a knife through our heart to be constantly reminded that SO/DH has such a "bond" with another person.

We all know it hurts.

SD used to always ask to play with the daughter of a lady my partner was dating for 30 seconds before he met me a few month later, she only ever did that when I was around and tried to get a reaction of me.I only laughed about it every time, but SO told her off since it was so obvious it was NOT that she was missing that girl but she wanted to stir.
I agree to let that picture go for now and move on, but honestly, it can't be denied that many kids , especially girls in that age group do things on purpose and with an intention to get a reaction! I experienced that so many times and would have to be blind and deaf to see it comes from innocence.
At the same time I also know it is cheeky behaviour, but it doesn't mean that he child who is doing such things is necessarily malicous or horrible when trying to manipulate- kids want to push boundaries and test their power.
Seeing them as poor victims and not correcting them is probably not a good method to prevent them from becoming master manipulators, so I would personally tell her that it is not appropriate.

I think what SAF is saying is "Disengage" it has nothing to do with you. Disengage...it has nothing to do with you, it is no fault of yours that SD is "fantacizing." Disengage...you didn't create this kid's sadness & issues.

Don't worry. If you really want to stay in this relationship, it will become more "familiar" to SD and things will improve. If you don't stay in this relationship, don't ever get involved with a man with kids again!

I wonder what the reaction of everyone would be if the BD8 instead drew a picture of her, her mother (healthnut), DH (healthnut's husband) and baby brother...WITHOUTH the SKID...hmmm...would the fact that the BD8 of healthnut was wanting a family with just her BM and her husband and without having to share the new "daddy" be ok with everyone? I bet you ANYTHING it would not. Heck, if healthnut's BS at age 4 drew the same picture without his 1/2 sister, people would be fuming...even though it would ONLY mean that he wished his family was intact and not this person that comes and goes sometimes...

PS - healthnut, ignore it...not worth it...but I get what you are saying...funny how HER parents destroyed that world for her and that was PERFECTLY OK, but you who did NOT destroy have to "deal with it"...just gotta love it.

oncechoosetosmile is right on...we always look at it like, "it's only a little 6 yr old girl." Let her do that...if it was a boy, would we be so forgiving?? I swear, some "little" girls are already prone to becoming manipulators and others, we encourage and even teach them to become Master Manipulators!

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Disengage, disengage, disengage.
OR
RUN, RUN, RUN!!!

I'm hesitant to get counseling for SD9 because I just know she will lie & manipulate the counselor until DH & I are completely fucked by the system!

Plus, why should I spend time & money (that I don't have) to "FIX" some other woman's child that SHE fucked up??

I agree with the others-she is only 6, and she is having a hard time adjusting. As someone said, if she was older, I would be upset.

I do think that maybe counseling would help, but you have to tread VERY carefully. It your DH's (and BM's) call. You do NOT want to push it/harp on it. No one can really say how much it would take for your DH to agree to counseling.

Your DH handled the whole picture thing very well. I think you have a good one there.

My cousin (UGH) and his ex (double UGH) divorced last year. They have 3 little ones. Their 7 year old had a hard time at first (especially since her parents are...never mind...another story), so she was placed in a counseling group at her school. She LOVES it. I spent the past three years working with older kids, and did a lot of groups and individual counseling. Most of the kids really benefit from it, especially if the parents won't or cannot get help outside the school. That being said, school-based counseling is NOT a substitute for private counseling, but it may be a start, if it is available in your school system.

The fact that this SD was only a year old when they separated makes it really unlikely that this child is suffering sadness about the separation, I find that really obvious.So what ticks this "innocent little angel" to draw a picture like that??As I said....most likely to get a reaction.Geez, I have seen far younger kids trying to push the adults buttons big time.The accountibility for those little strikes and tests though should be age appropriate-a 4 year old needs to be explained differently than a 12 year old.A six year old who can't have any memory of her parents together should know that this particular picture is not appropriate because it can hurt people in the family and draw something nice instead.If she keeps on doing and pushing it I would tell her stricter that we don't like these pictures in this house etc.It is different though if the separation was just recently and the child needs help to process things!

I don't believe you are wrong. I think that would rub most people the wrong way. I have suggested my guy take his son to a dr due to his awful aggressive behavior. At first he was offended but eventually couldn't ignore the signs the school was pointing out, he told BM and they both met with a Dr. But BM didn't believe the dr that her son could have some abnormal behavioral issues (probably because she would have had to admit to needing behavioral meds herself) so that was the end of that. They have since moved the best to a new school (because of course the previous school was to blame), time will tell....

Good luck to you!

healthnut's latest post above kind of brings a couple of things to light:
1) SM has been the primary caregiver... which means caregiver AND disciplinarian
2) DH has corrected SM in front of SD, thus planting the "bad cop" seed in SD's head
3) BM is noncustodial, and recently got visitation rights back. Which means SD's fantasy may have started when she was able to see her mom again, AND you can probably bet that (as with many NCP's) it's sheer Disney while she's there.

So, put all that together: DisneyMom, Dad in Shining Armour, and the mean wicked Stepmom. If, as a kid you were presented that trio, which one would you want to exclude?

I can't believe no one has commented on this: "He said he liked that she drew a picture but not what she drew a picture about and that it upset him, was rude and really unhealthy. She started crying so he took her to her room to talk about it. After he was done we are sitting in the livingroom again and she comes back in really angry, how she has to tear up this picture and make 2 new ones etc..."

I'm sorry, but I see this as highly inappropriate. The daughter expressed her feelings on paper. Just because the adults don't like her feelings doesn't mean they are inappropriate or unhealthy! She has just been told, "Hey, before you ever draw anything again, think first about how it will affect others, because if it's 'inappropriate' people will get upset with you."

"That's a nice picture!" is sufficient. If you think she is being manipulative, that puts the fire out. When you make a big deal out of it, you throw gasoline on it. She has just figured out another way to bug you.

That said, I think you are giving her too much credit for being sophisticated enough to devise this kind of tactic to get a rise out of either of you. 6 yr olds just aren't that sophisticated.

It is COMPLETELY normal for ALL children of divorce/split parents to fantasize/wish/want/draw pictures of an intact family where the child does not have to travel from one home to the next. They do not have to have memories of the parents ever being together to have that desire. My sd wished that her brother (who died before she was ever conceived) was there to go back and forth between homes with her, and she would say she misses him. (How do you miss someone you never knew?)

Finally, I am most disturbed about the comment insinuating that emotional instability can only be remedied with medication! OMG! So... parents can screw up their children and then blame it on the child, take her to the doctor and demand a drug to fix her...that sounds about right. How about the parents figure out what has been going on in the child's life to bring about the behavior they are seeing. Like Dr. Phil says, the child is the sacrificial lamb brought to the altar when serious dysfunction is rampant in the entire family. I feel so sorry for kids today...

You have a right to your feelings and to be upset by the picture. But your sd has a right to her feelings as well. Yours are no more important than hers. Her father has just taught her to express them somewhere else, or don't express them at all. Hopefully that's a lesson that does not stick...

If you are truly concerned with sd's emotions, the way to handle a picture like this is for dh to say...
"I see that you feel it would be nice if Mommy and Daddy were together and you could live with us both as one family. It is sad that you can't have that, and I'm sorry for that. It is nice that you have two parents who love you and want the best for you, as well as a SM (and SDdad?) who care about you and want the best for you." Instead, she is told that her feelings are inappropriate. They are NOT, no matter what your opinion on this is. All of her other behavior separate, this single incident is not a warning sign. 30 minutes spent discussing one picture with a 6 yr old? I'm beginning to see why there are issues...I think the parents need the counseling here.

My SD4 is in preschool and the first day of school (couple weeks ago), she came home with the family member assignment (you all know what I’m talking about- mommy’s name, daddy’s name, who do you live with, brother/sister’s names, etc.). Not that I expected there to be a section about the stepmother, but it really (surprisingly) hurt my feelings when I looked at the paper and it was all about mommy and daddy. SD is with us almost all the time (they are supposed to have joint custody but BM never takes SD when she is supposed to). Anyway, I didn’t take it out on SD because that’s just the way the assignment came to us, but when we got to the part about who do you live with, she wanted to write mommy and daddy. Now SD is 4 and her parents haven’t been together since she was a year old (and weren’t even married at that) so she should have no memory of them all being a family or anything so I thought that was strange. I guess even if they don’t have that memory, they still have that wish. DH just handled it by saying no, we don’t live together, you live with daddy and SM, and that was that.

Oh Healthnut, how I can relate to you on this one! YES, I would be floored too. I'm sorry, but at that age she could understand that YOU are NOT part of "that" picture. SD is NOT a toddler.

IDK really what to tell you. I think there should be a "talking" going on though. Instigated by her dad. I would "chime in" but don't let her see you upset. I REALLY feel for you and baby, I am 10 mths. "ahead" of you with my own BS1. I worry every.single.time when SS8 is over here. The kid acts 4 years old, flunking every subject in school, no manners, lazy Wii playing baby and I HATE THAT around MY kid.

BREATHE and calm down. There is great advice here!