BM supervised visits, boundaries at home
History: BM has supervised visits of SD5 12 hrs a week. My daughter is 7, I have full custody (absentee father). I take care of both girls every day, spend majority of time with SD5.
I'm frustrated with the boundaries at home where it concerns the BM and expressing those concerns to DH. Without going into too much detail, I feel I want our home to be ours, and BM home to be hers. Things here stay here, things there stay there. BM has absolutely no legal or physical custody, only supervised visits. I feel if you got to the point where you lost custody of your child, then shame on you, you lost your parenting rights, and until you have earned them back, be thankful for the time you do have with her. But BM is constantly sending things here, and I cannot stand it (its not necessarily the material things themselves, but the feeling of invasion of my space, of our home with BM.) I have discussed this with several people, and majority agree, it is best to keep possessions separate as it takes away something to argue about. I agree with it. I've discussed this with DH several times that it bothers me, and why, and there needs to be a boundary. He continues to just see the material things and say... it's just a book, or it's just a toy, you really have a problem with a book or toy?" No, I don't, I have a problem with the lack of a boundary.
BM does not like this boundary, as it is loosely in place now for several months. I mean, do you REALLY have to change your daughter's clothes when she is with you for 4 hours? And if you do, that's fine... but change her back into what she had on before and keep the clothes you bought her with you. If you want her to play with certain toys, then keep them with you so she can enjoy them with you. Etc etc.
Has anyone else dealt with a parent with supervised visits, and what kind of boundaries do you have set in place? BM is completely manipulative and it affects the relationship I have with SD. For instance SD has told me "my mom says you don't know how to take care of me, you only know how to take care of your daughter" Really???
Anyway, any feedback is welcome.
Thanks!
Who supervises these visits
Who supervises these visits and where do they take place?
We have 2 non custodial BMs
We have 2 non custodial BMs to deal with. When the kids say things like "My mom said you don't know how to take care of me." or "My mom said I don't have to......." I say "your mom may feel that way, but the judge is in charge of where you live because your mom made choices that cause the judge to get involved. The judge
says you have to live here, that I AM fit to take care of you, and that you DO have to follow my rules, and what the judge says goes."
Sorry. I duped.
Sorry. I duped.
Visits are Monday Wednesday
Visits are Monday Wednesday from 3-6:30 and Saturday for 5 hrs. Family members supervise the visits. There have been court appointed ones in the past but judge decided since some family members were agreeable by dh and bm then dh would have to pay for half the cost.
They take place wherever, her
They take place wherever, her house, or she takes her places sometimes, at grandparent's house etc.
We do not deal with the
We do not deal with the supervised visits but I know what you mean about the boundaries. Every time we pick up the skids, they always come back with something from mommy. Toys, sunscreen (as if we have ever let them get sunburned), cheap frozen pizzas. It's like she just wants a piece of herself in our home. I told DH I didn't want any more of her crap in our house. Sorry but unlike her we actually cook balanced meals for the kids rather than just throw some frozen processed junk in the oven everyday. I guess it's partially a boundaries thing and partially an I-don't-need-your-half-assed-help thing.
Lol, I totally agree. Another
Lol, I totally agree. Another thing BM has done is trim her (SD) hair a week after I took her to get it done. She tells SD that if I trim her hair again, she's going to take her to get it done HER way (which was crooked btw). I'm not about to be playing games. I don't want her influence in our household and feel when it does happen it's totally undermining. This woman should be thanking me and being appreciative and grateful her daughter has someone in her life that loves her and takes great care of her instead of playing these games and acting like it is totally irrational not wanting her things in our house.
She tells SD that if I trim
She tells SD that if I trim her hair again, she's going to take her to get it done HER way (which was crooked btw
++++++++++++++++++++++
LOL Thats hilarious! I'm glad I'm not the only one that gets bothered by this. I wish I could tell her to quit worrying about us and start worrying about cleaning her filthy house.