Thank you for your words. My D and I were inseperable and I can understand her jealousy in some way. But she wasnt a small child and I raised her better. I havent seen her since Novemeber and that was the time she agreed to make things right. Since then she has only responded to any of my requests with " I told you I would do that when I'm ready" the worst is that she has tried to leave everyone including my employees with this impression that she has been abandoned by me and that I have a "new" family now and dont care about her life. And that is the furthest from teh truth. My DH did more for her than her own father in the months she lived with us. She was almost 17 and was acting like a spoiled 12 year old but we could tolerate some of it she was just being an irritating teenager. We just refferred to her as the Grumpus Amoungus as she stomped around upstairs. But honestly it was just normal teenage drama. But then I told her no about something and it all started from there. There is alot more to it but the jist is that it all came down to her not getting her way about something and then it escalated.....

As far as now....she is leaving in 2.5 weeks I told her I do want to see her and talk to her before she goes because I want to establish what our relationship is or is not. And that neither of us has any expectations of what the other should or is willing to do. I will not allow her to disrespect Myself or My DH or her SB. None of us deserve any of that. She refuses to accept them. Ok fine then thats where it is. But dont go around telling people that I dont want any part of your life...because SHE is the one that refuses to make things right because its inconvenient for her. Then she needs to tell people that if they ask. Not represent herself as this poor little thing whose mommy doesnt love her. I just want to establish that our rleationship is in the condition it is in because we choose for it to be that way. She has no right to tell me how I should or should not live my life and what is acceptable and what is not. She is just so angry because she was no longer the center of every decision I made. It was no longer ALL about her...and I get the shock of that...but its time to move on grow up. She claims she wants to start over as adults....my comment is the last time I checked real Adults own up to their mistakes and realize that repenting and apologising for something you have done wrong to someone is not about YOU....its about the OTHER person whom you wronged. Not about YOUR comfortability level.

My SS 8.5 is a whole other issue. He is a great kid that didnt deserve a BM who is worthless. we hve him fulltime. His mother is no wher ein the picture because she took off over three years ago. So My relationship with my DH is not just about my selfish need to be with him. It is a way bigger picture and impact.....My D is being so selfish....and instead of seeing Through those good Christian eyes of her the BIG Picture here she is still so focused an what she didnt get or doesnt want....at the same time she advertises daily to all friends and family that she is Scriptural sound and so mature.....AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Its very frustrating....because guess who taught her to trust in God......it was me.

To Rising Above it:

I was shocked at the similarities in your scenerio and my Husbands. I am so sorry for what she has done in our situation. I blame myself for so many things that I did that set her up to react this way. But at some point she chooses to continue to hold on to it all. The sadest part is that there was a point where i feel that eventually my Husband and Daughter could have actually liked eachother and realized how many things they have in common. But I'm fearful now that too much damage has been done. Only time will tell. But I am determined to stand by my marriage. I gave 16 years of my life to a Loser (the BD) I stood by him at every self destructive move and finally either had to loose myself completely or get out. I choose to save myself. I never had any intention of really dating anyone much less marrying until she was out of the house and in college. But that isnt the way things worked out. My mistake was a "promised" her that and she is holding on to it like it is written by the hand of God himself in stone. When she was young I was always the disciplinarian her father NEVER was but she respected me and she knew my limitations on bad behavior. But when I divorced I was so very tired of the nagging and bitching I had been doing to him and her that I pretty much let go of the ropes. She is a great kid....No drugs, No alcohol, No boyfriends she played sports and was an excellent student, always responsible, the little adult......She was 15 at the divorce time. I literally told her that I had already given her the tools in life to make good decisions and I trusted that she understood how and why that is so important at this age. So as long as she maintained my trust in those areas she pretty much had free reign. I didnt make her clean her room and do any chores other than picking up after herself (her dishes her mess etc.) She did all her own laundry and everything and soon after she started driving so she really didnt need me in any daily activity capacity other than to just be supportive and the wallet. So the less she was home the more I started to find things to do after work and on weekends. She started resenting everything even though none of it took away from me being at every game every tournament etc. And I was always home at "my" curfew which somehow got set??? So roles started to reverse. Meanwhile I was taking care of my elderly handicapped father of which she had no participation in and as time went on a didnt even see how demanding she was getting or how she was completely disrespecting my position. Everything I did I was always concerned about what she would think or if she would be happy or scheduling around HER wants and not necessarily her needs. When I met my husband and we started dating he taught me to respect myself and demand that from others. Including my Ex-husband who was completely taking advantage of my kindness and our years of history together. He had me still making excuses for him and making everything better for eveyone in all situations and whatever cost that was to me. As my eyes started open to all of this I started making changes putting my foot down and realizing that I WAS STILL THE PARENT and as far as anyone else was concerned the ONLY WORKING ONE. I got no child support of which I didnt ask for and was the only parent providing a home for this child, a car, insurance, phone etc.....So yes her world as she knew it was coming to a screaching hault. So all of her initial acting out honestly was all on me. My fault totally. Then my father died and I really did loose it for a while. My boyfriend and his son moved into our home for several reasons. 1. I needed him desperately to love and support me and neither of us wanted to spend an hour away from each other much less any nights. He needed me as much as I needed him....the BM of his son left a couple of years before and for the last majority of that time has had no contact with his son. 2. I needed his financial support too....my daughters father was paying for a car and phone but those were in the process of getting repossesed and cancelled and now my father was gone and I had all of his expenses and a house to sell and car to deal with. He moving in brought some balance and joy to my life. She didnt react well naturally....but things started to get better. And My husband tried and was so good with her. Just really kind of staying like a fun uncle on her level. He cooked huge meals for her and her friends to come over, and fires outside installed speakers, not to mention loaned her his truck when her vehicle had a flat tire. He fixed that for her too! He personally went out and picked out Birthday and Christmas gifts and spent way more than me knowing that things were tight so that she would have a good christmas. Her own dad only handed her a $20 for the birthday/Christmas combo. She was even starting to warm up to him. Asking him for boy advice and they would talk about all the things she had in common. But the more I started putting my foot down and making her participate in our home things started to go down hill. She was fine as long as I left her to her own life and schedule and didnt holdher accountable to anything. with in 3 months after christmas she had built a case against me and him and made her exit. She went to live with her father who by the way lives with his parents....then it all went to hell from there. Literally....So here I sit....having to face the truth about my beloved child whom I love dearly and accept it. I have no defense for her behavior and feel responsible to back up my husband 100%. But that means I have nothing with her. She wont apologise and make things right or even attempt where he is concerned. And she plays the "my mom chose her new family over me" card with everyone I know including my own Mother and friends. Everyone who knew us before believes her over me because they cant imagine that she would be untrustworthy.....

So YES I see where you are coming from and am so sorry that you are in this position. I hope that your spouse can see that too.