our horrible financial situation etc
So DH's business is going really bad. He just makes enough to cover his bills, car ins., SD private school tuition $1000 per month and her child support aprox $230/ week. So there is nothing left for his new household, and I'm the one that is left stuck with rent, utilities, well you get it EVERYTHING!!! and expenses for my children. I make a modest salary and at the end of the month it's all gone, and I have to go into my savings.
This has been going on since we got married and I'm really starting to get annoyed. I know he is trying to bring in more but it's not working and even if he did, he has so many other debts that he still has to pay off, that things won't get better for a really long time, if ever.
I could go on about a whole other financial issue regarding money he got from selling his house which he put away,etc. but I won't go there now................
Is anyone else dealing with this??? What do you do??
father somehow lose their
father somehow lose their testicles because they are driven by guilt to cut them off.
you are resentful for a reason. he needs to start using what he has socked away.
No lie!! I have one of those
No lie!!
I have one of those husbands too that refuses to strap on a pair when it comes to his dear sweet kiddos. Stupid guilt complex!!
"I could go on about a whole
"I could go on about a whole other financial issue regarding money he got from selling his house which he put away,etc. but I won't go there now..............."
What does this mean? Does he have money hidden away somewhere?
If so, he needs to access it immediately and start paying his fair share of the household expenses. Child support and his child's private school tuition do not fall under mutual shared bills.
I don't understand from your OP if he has money somewhere or not.
So he goes to court and gets
So he goes to court and gets his CS reduced or SD moves from her private school. If you weren't in the picture what would he do?
Why are you digging into your
Why are you digging into your savings, but your DH is not digging into his? Start demanding better for yourself. while you are at it, have DH pay you back.
yes, he has money from his
yes, he has money from his apartment which he sold after we got married and he moved into my apartment. He is keeping that stacked away in an account in the event that we want to purchase something, that money will go towards payment. He understandably doesn't want to touch that money because that is all that he/we have for our future or plans if we ever do get anything. However, when we speak of buying something he always says that if possible I should put in an amount and he would put in his amount. Then the property would be split accordingly to the shares that we each put in. This kinda also irks me bc wouldn't I be entitled to half of his share as his wife regardless of whether or not I can contribute something or not?? At the rate we are going, using up all my money now, I surely won't have anything to contribute. I feel like he wants to have the property purchase set up in such a way that if he puts in all the money, I wouldn't get anything and it would all eventually be for SD............
but anyhow, back to our day to day problems. Yes, he should go to court to have his CS reduced but he wont get it done and in the end it may be more of a hassle and more money if we have to pay lawyers etc. Besides with the money from the sale now in the bank, he is afraid that BM would try to put her hands on it if all this were to go to court.
The child will also stay in her private school because he absolutely insists on that for religious reasons and bc the public schools in her area are not what he wants for her.............
Yeah...but she's using her
Yeah...but she's using her savings, ie her "pre-marital money" to pay his current living expenses. How is that fair to her, then? She's basically paying his half of living expenses at their current apartment...but when they go to buy together, she'll put in half? Does he have to pay her back?
OP. You are absolutely right to be frustrated. I am absolutely shocked by how often this topic comes up. SMs who are subsidizing their DH's lifestyle and their skids' lifestyles. It's absurd. I've done it, too...to a degree. But never to this extent. And, yes, it always infuriates me when DH just assumes he can dip into my money after he over-indulges the skids...or spends too much on his business ventures...or whatever.
I would ask him to sign an agreement with you. Keep track of how much your joint living expenses are while he's struggling. Rent, food, utilities...not extras like going out or clothes...and apply that amount toward "your half" when you go to purchase something together. aka, if you decide you're going to put down a 30K deposit and you spent 10K covering for your DH while his business was doing poorly...then he puts in 25K and you put in 5K...because you've already spent 10K of your money.
He should have to pay her
He should have to pay her back, yes.
It's fine that he wants his daughter in private school...if he can afford it while also paying his own bills / meeting his own obligations. He's not doing that, and SM shouldn't have to shoulder it...his choice for his daughter should come out of HIS savings...not hers. And I don't know what would happen if the business takes off. I would hope that they would be wise with their money, maybe increase their standard of living a little...but also save some up for another downturn. I have a business with my husband, and there are always downturns. But his business earnings are now a marital asset, so it's entirely beside the point.
I guess...to put it another way. The SD is a premarital debt or obligation. Why should the OP take on his premarital debt but not have any right to his premarital assets? It seems entirely unfair to her.
No...he's not paying his
No...he's not paying his obligations. Unless you think he's not obligated to contribute to the rent, food, and utilities of the household where he lives full time? Read it again. He's making enough to pay his car insurance, SD private school ($1000) and SD child support (also $1000). That leaves SM covering ALL of everything else. Rent, food, electric, everyday purchases, household items...etc, etc, etc.
**Edited to Add: Another quick point. The ONLY reason he was able to sell his other apartment...and so the ONLY reason that he has that savings in the first place...is because he moved into OP's apartment...and then promptly quit paying anything toward rent. He sold the apartment after they married. So. That savings really does belong to OP as well...or it partly does as she's the one who enabled the sale.
I don't understand your
I don't understand your problem or your point. Nothing you have said makes any sense.
Everyone who marries sets up different financial arrangements with their SO. For some couples, it's extremely important that the mom (or the dad) stay home with the kids and manage the household, so they agree to make it work on one income...or maybe one full-time income and one part-time income. Despite what you apparently think, it's actually hard work to manage a household and kids. I happen to do it and work enough (not full-time) to contribute half of our monthly needs. But what my husband and I agree to is, frankly, none of anyone's business. In some marriages, both have strong careers and are high-earners. In some, both are working full-time and they're still struggling to make it.
None of these scenarios have any bearing on the OP's situation...because these situations are not HER situation. Nor does your straw-man argument..."but what if it was a woman!" have any bearing. Whine, whine, whine. Please. You clearly have an axe to grind against women who choose to stay home...but this literally has nothing to do with the OP. She is not a SAHM. She works full-time. And her husband is not a SAHD caring for THEIR joint children. He is caring for his daughter from a previous relationship at the SMs expense. And I highly doubt she agreed to that when they married.
You still haven't answered my question above, either. Why should he not touch his savings, considering he only has that "pre-marital pot of money" BECAUSE he got married to this woman and moved into her home?
But not if OP is the only one
But not if OP is the only one putting in marital money. He needs to pay his own 1/2 of the living expenses, even if it comes out of his savings. Is OP's savings also premarital?
If both bring kids into a
If both bring kids into a marriage, then both should contribute financially.
It depends. If the woman is
It depends. If the woman is doing the important work of managing the household and caring for the children and then, on top of that, decides to have a part-time job to also contribute a little something financially...then I think that is more than reasonable. If she wants t be the high earner and her husband does more to manage the kids and the household but doesn't make as much...that's also fine. If they don't have any kids and both work and contribute equally to the household. Fine as well. I think we all know that every household runs differently...and every person is OK with different types of financial set-ups.
What's not OK is for a husband to burden his new wife with his pre-marital debt (i.e. the stepdaughter) while also squirreling away and refusing to touch his pre-marital assets (i.e. the savings account). The fact that he's allowing her to cover all household expenses so that SD can stay in a school that costs a THOUSAND dollars a month while also paying a THOUSAND dollars in child support (am I really reading this correctly. 2K for ONE kid?) and, at the same time, telling her that when they purchase a house in the future, she'll have to come up with half...that's just triply ridiculous and offensive.
This is an easy fix. Tell
This is an easy fix. Tell him that on April 1 he needs to have half of the household bills or he needs to move out. If you say it, mean it.
He will come up with the money, if he knows you mean what you say. If he refuses, then that just proves he views you as his cash cow.
Huh? What are you even
Huh? What are you even talking about?
Have you read anything that anyone else has written? She's not a SAHM. She works, and she is paying ALL household expenses and using her savings to do so while he keeps his intact. Savings that he ONLY has because he sold a home he owned prior to the marriage after they were married and he moved into HER home. At the absolute, very least he should be expected to contribute to the home payment using the money from the home he sold.
What would he do if she wasn't there? He wouldn't have that savings, first of all. And he'd have to pay his utilities, food. So he'd either have to take his daughter out of private school or find a second job...or both. That's what he should do here. Instead, he's using the SM to keep his lifestyle the same while hers suffers and she depletes her savings.
It is likely that he will NOT
It is likely that he will NOT get a downward mod of CS as the courts will consider him voluntarily underemployed. Maybe he needs a second job.
Yikes, this sounds
Yikes, this sounds sickeningly familiar. I don't know if this will help but you need to do as one poster suggested and put the family bills first. Then each of you pays your share of the household bills each according to your income. Unless he is stipulated to pay for private school, THAT is a luxury and should be the first thing to go. I would go back to court and have CS reduced if this looks like a long term hardship.
To me it looks VERY MUCH like he is more than willing to take the easy way out since you are handling the everyday finances. I understand your position but you have set a dangerous precedent and may wake up one day to a financial disaster. I wish you luck and hope you don't experience what I did - being told that your house is being foreclosed on because you trusted DH to pay the bills but he decided it was way more important for his effing skids to play on their sports travel teams (x3) than pay our bills. If you think you are angry now... Girl it can and will get much worse unless you nip it on the bud NOW.
Well, thank you all for
Well, thank you all for taking the time to respond to my post. Yikes, I know the situation is
Ok, so if it wasn't clear, I'm working full-time, and my savings are pre-marital. He has his business, which is also a full-time job, but business is bad. All he brings in, as I mentioned, is enough to cover his expenses, car insurance, phone, SD child support, and tuition. Yes, the CS is crazy as well as the tuition!!! Cs is through the roof for one child more than $200 per week. I wish he could get that lowered, but going to court, paying fees, fighting with BM, who will put up a grand fight.........
So yes, I am currently paying all our household bills, rent, utilities, etc.
The apartment he sold after we got married, and I get it that he doesn't want to touch it so that we can use it towards the purchase of something new.
I think some of you misunderstood one part. He didn't say I should come up with half of the future purchase, just whatever amount I can contribute. BUT that the percentage of the shares would be divided accordingly to what we each put in. It's this part that irks me. Shouldn't it be 50/50 regardless whether I even put anything in it or not??? Isn't that how it goes when you're married and you purchase a property together? I'm just thinking into the future here. What happens one day......The SD would kick me out in a minute and I'll need a roof over my head, something......
I really think you are
I really think you are financially illiterate. What part of her spending her pre-marital savings to support his current lifestyle is out of your grasp? What part of...his "pre-marital savings" ONLY exists because he moved in with her is out of your grasp? In effect, he doesn't have "pre-marital savings." He has money that he should use toward rent and their joint expenses that he's stockpiling instead. Again, if he hadn't gotten married and moved into her home, he would not have been able to sell that property and wouldn't have that savings. Her savings, though, are over-and-above her rent...true pre-marital savings that he's getting his hands on NOW. Have you noticed that you're the ONLY person on here who doesn't think the OP is being financially abused?
OP — He is showing you his true colors here. He wants you to just "take on" his current expenses out of the goodness of your heart...but, later, when you buy a home, he'll dole out percentage shares based on what you can contribute?! After you've exhausted the money that you might one day be able to contribute? NO WAY. IN HELL. At the very least, keep track of his share of your joint expenses and INSIST that this amount is what he owes you...or this amount counts toward your percentage / what you contribute to the new home.