Yesterday evening DH tells me that FIL seems 'off' with him lately. I say oh that's not good. Dh says well it's nothing he had done wrong. DH was trying to express his frustration with how his family treats him/us sometimes. I said, it's like we do nothing but try and it's never good enough. Dh said yes, this is exactly how he feels

Dh meant this mostly for FIL (which surprised me because I think FIL is just great) but my concern was more about YSD.

She spent two weeks visiting over the holidays and Dh and I practically fell over backwards trying to give her a great time with us. From the huge fuss over her on Christmas at FIL's, to touring her around our area, taking her out to an expensive beautiful restaurant, giving her beautiful gifts from my family, cooking her favorite dishes, watching her favorite movies, listening to her favorite music, spoiling her for her birthday with beautiful card and gorgeous gifts, calling her at the airport right before boarding the plane home to wish her a good flight back (and my sister inviting her out to stay with her in Europe for a visit) waiting up late for her call to let us know she safely arrived home, calling her two days later on the day of her actual birthday.

After all this there was no answer when we called her cell on her birthday. No response to our birthday message. No response again when dh tried to get a hold of her again. Finally he texted her to ask if she got our birthday message and after a time she responds with "yes, thanks"

I was worried we had done something wrong but dh wasn't concerned (didn't think she is) so fine. I'm glad as I wouldn't want her to be upset about anything. But, as nice as YSD is to me....just don't feel that there is all the acceptance for me that I thought was there. So yes, does feel for me anyway that no matter how hard I try, it's simply not good enough

Which is why I've resolved to be less involved going forward

As for DH's eldest daughter. We both KNOW that our best has never been good enough. I have been treated like shit by her for some time and she continues to act this way. DH and I just drove 45 minutes through this awful winter weather last weekend to be at SGS's birthday party. We were the only ones in DH's family (including BM) to attend. DH's daughter doesn't say hello or good-bye to me, I suspect was there bad-mouthing me to her MIL during the event, got pissed off at SSIL for merely talking to me. Then of course, DH's eldest has said right to Dh's face in front of BM, YSD and me in the past that he's "nothing but a piece of shit father"

DH's recent response to this is that he has done the best he could.

DH suspects that FIL's recent attitude with him is DH's sister once again bad-mouthing DH to FIL behind DH's back.

I know there is the "I'm a victim therefore the world owes me you better kiss my ass but I have a right to treat you like shit" attitude among certain people in DH's family....but seriously, my thoughts are no - you guys are not the victims. You are manipulating a situation where you know DH feels guilty, in fear of this adult kids walking out of his life, and that it's so important to him and I that they accept our relationship (I could care less about his sister or eldest daughter accepting me at this point) so they play on DH's feeling and manipulate always pushing and always acting as if nothing we do is ever enough

My question is - when on earth will they actually grow up, contribute, show some gratitude for all that has been done for them, and start to do something nice once in a while for other than themselves?

We all know the answer to that is never.

I'm fine totally disengaging from these toxic relationships. Dh is there with his eldest daughter....but wish he didn't get so upset by other members in his family that hurt him this way too