O/T (kinda) - what would YOUR reaction be to your DH/SO
My DH is a welder and was telling me that his work is losing one of their contracts because the company they were making parts for sold out to another company.
I said, "Well I hope someone from your work is on the phone with this new company, trying to get the business. They should be able to submit a bid that is lower than other places since they are already all set up for making those parts."
To which he responded, "You don't know what you are talking about."
OK, I am in IT, not welding, and I may NOT know what I am talking about but is that the way to say it to me?
We were not fighting or anything and haven't since last week so I am not sure where this came from. I understand it is not earth shattering like some of the issues on here but it really bothers me for some reason.
How would you have reacted to your DH/SO in a similar situation?
(I asked him to repeat what he said. He wouldn't and then changed the subject!?!)
I think if DH told me that, I
I think if DH told me that, I would've asked him what exactly that meant for him, AND if the new company that got the business had any openings.
I can see why your DH had the reaction he did because what you said would've been the steps taken by his company BEFORE the business was sold out to the other company. What he told you is that his company lost the contract to another company, pretty much meaning he's out of a job.
I can also understand why you're bothered by his reaction but he's probably feeling stressed about the future possibilities for work and i'm certain his reaction encompassed some of that frustration. In the ideal situation, you would've talked it out a little further.
Maybe try again today by asking him if there has been any updates on the status of the current contract, any discussion about the new company hiring new employees, etc. Open up the communication lines.
Good luck to both of you.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. Just to clarify, this is not his company but the company that he works for. He is not going to lose his job. He was already promised that as he is head welder there.
I know I am over-sensitive because he has a problem with being verbally abusive and I have pretty much decided to leave him at the end of the year for a LOT of reasons.
I feel like his dismissive
I feel like his dismissive attitude was abusive as was refusing to talk more about it once he realized what he said and that it bothered me. He obviously knew it came out wrong otherwise why would he refuse to repeat what he had said?
Just because I am leaving him doesn't mean I don't love him. He needs help to deal with major issues in his life that he has never dealt with and refuses to deal with. Unfortunately, those issues have made him think that he can treat women (mainly me) any way he wants. I cannot handle this anymore.
As far as what happens with the contract, I really DON'T care. I've been trying to get him to go to any other company for years. He has others that want him badly for his work quality and quantity. The point was, we were having (what I thought was) a nice conversation and in the middle of it, he belittled me and shut me down.
Now, I am definitely not a perfect person and AM on the sensitive side - even more so now that I've read up and know the extent of his verbally abusive nature. I just don't see how I am supposed to walk on eggshells to not hurt his feelings but he is allowed to stomp all over mine with cleats.
It's hard to explain based on this one incident, I suppose. But it is definitely part of a pattern. I get sick of having more pleasant interactions with people at work than with my own husband.
I can understand your point
I can understand your point and this definitely isn't the worst of his behavior.
I lived a rather sheltered life in my childhood, I guess, and never realized how much vile, hateful things a person who is supposed to love you can spew out of their mouth.
I guess one of the worst things he does (in my mind) is saying nasty things about the symptoms I have with my chronic health issues. He doesn't seem to realize that stress makes my health worse and him being nasty about my symptoms puts me under stress!
I don't want to go too much into detail, but you if really want to know I can PM you with the details of the last big fight we had and you can tell me whether or not THAT was verbally abusive...
DELETED.
DELETED.
"...he has a problem with
"...he has a problem with being verbally abusive and I have pretty much decided to leave him at the end of the year for a LOT of reasons."
I'm right here with you!
Actually he is a little right
Actually he is a little right and so are you. He shouldn't have spoken to you that way. He needed to word it a lot better.
I do a lot of work with M & A. The newco will put all contracts on hold for awhile until they figure out whether or not it is productive and/or cost effective to use your DH's company. That can take time. In the interim they will usually continue the contracts unless the other company has someone that they use that is more cost effective. For the first year after a merger it is all about streamlining both of the companies into the newco. If there is loyalty at the company that your DH did the contracts for, then chances are someone will mention that to the management co that did the acqisition. But, I guarantee the contract for this will go to the more cost efficient company. It always does.
Fair enough.
Fair enough.
I can understand where he was
I can understand where he was coming from. He told you some concerning news about his employer. And you jump in with what they SHOULD be doing. Is this something he had control over? He is head welder not head contract chaser or company negotiator.
He was feeling crappy anyway and instead of a supportive "Oh no! I hope it all works out for everyone and not too many people lose their jobs." You offer a solution for a scenario you know nothing about.
Basically you hurt his feelings and he snapped back and hurt yours.
Lesson learned?
BTDT myself before I learned that my solution is not neccessarily the answer he wanted.
I hope this doesn't offend
I hope this doesn't offend you in some way sueu2, but your response was closest to the ones I thought I would get from most others on this site. But I didn't expect it from you.
Yes, I am one of those women who thought it was my fault and that if I tried harder, things would get better. If only I could be the "perfect wife/SM." But I have learned a lot in the past few months.
DH made the mistake during a huge fight to say that I was the problem, not him, when I suggested counseling. So, I went to a counselor by myself who had me read books on verbal abuse. Between what I read and researched online, it has really opened my eyes to the entire situation.
I am willing to change, he is not. No point in wasting another 11 years of my life banging my head against a brick wall.
I understand that this is
I understand that this is pretty much what you always say in your responses.
I guess what I meant was that I didn't expect you to respond to my post at all! Haha
Skylarksms - I understand
Skylarksms - I understand where you are coming from - your solution sounds good and reasonable - if his company is losing a contract because the company they are working with sold to another company I would also go after the new company and see if I could get them to sign on with us.
The problem you are having is that your it looks like stbEx husband is that he is flippant with you and sounds quite frankly like an ass - you mentioned he is verbally abusive and it sounds like your relationship is nearing its end so he has no respect for you - sorry that you will be going through a breakup soon but being verbally abusive can be so much more damaging than physical sometimes - because while the wounds may heal - the words and him trying to make your self esteem and self worth plummet may take years to come back from. Know that I am here for you and if you want to PM me at anytime feel free.
Thank you for that. I would
Thank you for that.
I would agree with what you said, except, he doesn't know how close to that final straw this camel is.
So, his lack of respect for me is just an ongoing issue. Which, combined with the mistrust issues left over from BM (thanks for letting me deal with your mess, BM!!) makes for one crappy marriage.
He was completely out of
He was completely out of line, and I DO think that kind of remark is abusive. What he could have said was, "Honey, it doesn't really work that way at my job, let me explain why", NOT "you don't know what you're talking about". I would never say something like that to anybody, but especially not to the person who is my partner. If this is one of the benign things he has said, I can see why you are leaving. Especially when he doesn't even recognize that he has a problem. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.
skylarksms: I would have to
skylarksms:
I would have to go with what oneoffour says, When DH was telling you
" his work is losing one of their contracts because the company they were making parts for sold out to another company."
Who's to say that the company that bought the company, that your DH was making parts for is going to make changes and discontinue those parts?? So there will be no bidding to make those parts. Who really knows??
When 'sueu2' wrote "One thing is your husband does not know any more than you do about how it all works. His job title is "head welder" not president, vice president, or plant manager."
It doesn't sound right, since DH is the "head welder" for the company and maybe he was in a meeting with the president, vice president, or plant manager and it was discussed that those parts are no longer going to be made because of the sale of the old company. The new company may be going in a whole new direction and maybe dropping other services that the company that DH works for povides. As Head Welder he would need to be infomed about those things because he probable has a crew or a couple crews under him. Maybe your DH knows more then he told you but just doesn't want to discuss it in details because it's too stressful to discuss at home. He could have just been venting a little bit but not wanting to go into too many details.
If you have been with him for 11 years and he has been abusive to you, you should expect an offensive comment like that from him. Apparently he didn't think it was offensive(his problem). He at least changed the subjet so that means he just wanted to talk to you about something less stressful to him. He's probable got a lot on his mind, his woman of 11 years is going to leave him. And is also concerned about something at work.
He is the head welder but was
He is the head welder but was never in any meetings with any of the higher ups. He prefers it that way. Get in, get the work done, get out. That's his motto.
He had already discussed this situation with me before and I had encouraged him to talk to the owner if he was concerned over layoffs. He did and the (co-)owner told him that he had nothing to worry about. That there were employees who were ready to retire and they would lay them off.
He also doesn't realize that I am truly going to leave him - even though I have told him I will.
The only things that have changed in our marriage since I went to counseling is that we are fighting MORE now because I am standing up for myself whereas before I would just be shocked when the verbal nastiness would begin and figure that if only I could explain myself, he would not get mad at me.
Now that I realize that HE is the problem and not ME (except to the extent that I allow him to treat me like this) I am MAD.
Our nastiest fights are when he's been drinking. I have mentioned this, as well as my distress that sometimes he doesn't even REMEMBER the fight. He has told me that he is not going to quit drinking.
Fine - your choice.
Skylarksms: I looks like
Skylarksms:
I looks like you made the right decision. Drinking changes people.