Not interested in parenting my husband’s kids
I am recently married to a good man who was previously married and divorced and is the father of three kids: one boy, age 11; and two girls, ages 14 and 17. This is the first marriage for me, at age 40, and I have no children of my own. My husband is the first divorced man and the first father that I ever dated. I dated him for a couple of years before our marriage, and met his children on numerous occasions.
My stepkids live with my husband and me half the week, and with their birth mother the other half. Their birth mother, while far from perfect (who is?) is a decent mother who does right by them, and my husband is also a good father.
I don’t dislike my stepkids; my “problem” is that I have zero interest in “parenting” them. In my mind, that is the responsibility of their parents.
In other words, while I am very nice to them, I do not go out of my way to drive them to their numerous activities, take them shopping, look at their homework, etc. I confess that I have little interest in their friends, school activities, etc. I do work hard and am a full partner with my husband in providing and maintaining a very nice home for all of us.
I think of myself as my husband’s wife, and not as a stepmother to his children.
I can understand that they would need me to play a more active role in their lives if their own mother was not in the picture or was unfit in some way, but that is not the case.
My husband surprised me last night by stating that he wants me to do something special with each of his children, one on one, so that I can “bond” with them. And therein lies my dilemma: I have no interest in bonding with his children.
Is it appropriate to feel this way? I know I need to have this discussion with my husband, and will do so very soon, but first I wanted to see if any of you seasoned second wives/husbands have ever felt this way.
I'm having the same sort of
I'm having the same sort of problem. I married HIM, not his children. His children have TWO active parents, my bios only have ME.
I remember when me and DH
I remember when me and DH were dating and he wanted me to 'bond' with his kid one saturay while he worked. we were out shopping, (his kid is autistic), he had a meltdown, had diarrhea, shit in his pants, etc. it was a FUCKING NIGHTMARE. I had NO CLUE how to handle him. We all had to go home and my kids had to sit around bored all day. I never, ever did it again, EVER until we moved in together 2 summers ago. but I agree, I think of myself as his wife, and a kind of stuck-with-skid stepmother role. Bonding with him, um, no. NO DESIRE AT ALL either. Be honestand tell him you aren't really interested in doing one on one with his kids. I think my husband figured it out all on his own after that incident. he would complain he couldn't sleep over MY APT (he lived at home with his parents, at age with the skid) on Fri nights because he would have to wake skid up at my house and take him home at like 5 am. I said, "yeah, it does suck"....I WAS NOT BEING SUCKERED INTO BEING STUCK WITH THAT KID.....just liket his saturday, he has to work....that kid is going to his parents house! TELL YOUR HUBBY in a nice way that you just don't feel comfortable doing what he's asking.
I think the real question is
I think the real question is do his kids even want to spend time with you one-on-one? Sometimes bioparents force this because it is what THEY want. Forcing it from either end is often the reason there is animosity.
Talk to him about it. Be honest. Tell him that it would be awkward for you to be alone with teenage children whom you don't really know very well. Ask him what you can all do as a family. And ask him how his kids feel about that one-on-one time.
While I understand not
While I understand not wanting to be an instant parent of 3 not-so-young kids, I find it interesting that you want nothing to really do with the kids.
I mean, they're not going anywhere. Even when they're in college, have careers, start families of their own .. they will always be his kids, and he will likely always have a relationship with them.
I just don't understand why a stepmother wouldn't want to have a relationship with the kids .. it doesn't have to be a parent/child relationship per say; maybe more of an aunt/neice dynamic like some others aim for.
I think the future will be difficult if you cold shoulder the kids forever and refuse to form any sort of bond/relationship with them. Not that you need to be best friends, try to compete with or replace their biomom, or anything dramatic .. there are much less intense means of bonding and relationships.
That being said, you did marry HIM .. not his kids .. but try to be sensitive and choose your words carefully when discussing this with him. I could see it going downhill quickly. Best of luck!
Thank you to all of you who
Thank you to all of you who have replied; your insights are greatly appreciated. To answer some of the questions posed:
Yes, my husband and I did discuss my way of interacting with his children before we married, and we both agreed then that my “detached” way of relating to them, rather than trying to force a close relationship (is that even possible?) was a sound strategy.
I am not upset with my husband for suggesting that I try to “bond” with his kids now that we are married; he is a nice person from a close-knit, nice family, and I’m sure he would love for us all to live happily ever after in “Brady Bunch” style. I just don’t think that’s realistic, nor does it especially interest me.
Yes, I know that his children will always be a part of his life, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I would have strong reservations about his character if he didn’t love his children unconditionally and desire an ongoing relationship with each of them. I don’t mind his kids being around, and I know that they actually like me (their birth mother told me that in a recent telephone conversation).
I guess I just don't
I guess I just don't understand what the hesitation is. If the kids like you, and you don't mind them being around .. what's so big about spending a little time with them to forge a bond?
Is it possible this whole thing has just been over-analyzed? It sounds like your husband understood your stance going into the situation. I'm not sure he's necessarily asking you to parent his kids or take on any real responsibility, just to foster a positive, long term relatioship with them.
I understand completely. My
I understand completely. My SS was already in his 20s when I came on board. I am not really a stepmother at all.
His children do not need babysitting. I can see where you have a "nice pleasant" relationship with them without parenting them. My sister is almost young enough to be my child. I never parented her.
Those kids have two parents. They neither need nor probably want another parent. As long as you all do things in a group and enjoy each other you are okay.
Now if you left the state everytime they arrived I'd think you were going overboard.
Perhaps you will want to do something with one of them at some time. But there should not be an obligation that you have to.
A true bond between people can takes years to develop. You may actually have a bond twenty years from now.
I like my nieces and nephews and enjoy seeing them but I have not gone out of my way to "bond" with them. They live hundreds of miles away and have their own lives. When I was in my 20s I did very little with my aunts. I liked them a lot but they were not a part of my day to day life.
When I first moved in with DH
When I first moved in with DH and SS(then 13)I did not understand how to NOT parent a child in the home so needless to say I made some mistakes.
No I did not discipline him but expected certain things like chores, homework, good behaviour out of him which he had never been required to do so DH, SS and I all clashed.
I really wanted to be what I thought was a good STepmom.
Now I would just like to have a cordial - friendly relationship with SS. I have absolutely no desire to parent him anymore!
I agree parenting is for his parents but don't expect me to pick up the slack when you need me unless I choose to.
With that being said I am not sure I agree with the following statement:
***I do not go out of my way to drive them to their numerous activities, take them shopping, look at their homework, etc. I confess that I have little interest in their friends, school activities, etc.***
This sort of sounds more like you want nothing to do with them, their lives or interest instead of not parenting them.
I didn't read that as wanting
I didn't read that as wanting nothing to do with them. As she has a career she is not really available to take them shopping, drive them places. Who wants to do homework with a kid? Hell I never even did my own homework.
Those are all parent tasks. I used to visit friends with kids and didn't do any of that. I liked the kids and would talk with them about current events, movies, etc. I didn't ask about their friends or school activities. Some of these kids are now grown and still have fond memories of time with me.
It certainly did not mean I wanted nothing to do with them. I just related to them as "almost grown" kids and they loved it.
There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with how you feel. Frankly we've heard worse here. "I hate my stepkid".
At the risk of being thought of as the maid by them you can continue on the way your going without me seeing any harm to the kids, your husband or yourself.
I think things sound fine
I think things sound fine with your skids. Sounds like you have no major problems with them, you all get along ok, and even get along ok with the bm. Why change anything? If you are polite and cordial with them and they like you-then... Yeah!
You are a success story. Why start imposing "bonding" time? If you feel moved to go somewhere with one of the kids or maybe are interested in the same things, then great, I think you should pursue that, but taking them each out one on one just places more pressure on everyone.