Is this normal
How much affection between siblings is normal. As much as my SD annoys me I honestly don't know is it because she annoys me or is this behavior strange. She is 10 almost 11 and has to kiss my 2 year old all the time she asks her for a kiss every few minutes and always tries kissing her on the mouth. If anyone asks 2 year old for a kiss, grandparent, aunt uncle, their dad if stepdaughter is within ear shot she asks for one too. She has to say goodnight with lots of kisses and hugs every night, good morning the same way and she has to say good bye 3-5 times before she leaves asking for a kiss each time. My 2 year old just stands there and ignores her most times while she mauls her but occasionally she will kiss or hug her back. My SD will also not my BD play for 2 minutes alone she won't let her walk with out grabbing her hand and forcibly holding when BD is trying to get away. I have posted before about her forcibly holding her on her lap. My SD is not a bad child she does require a lot of attention I have come to terms with not being able to talk to my husband with out her interrupting or that she will follow her dad or BD like white on rice the all day long. I realize a lot of these things annoy me because she is not mine. I am never mean to my SD I try not to ever show my annoyance it's just sometimes I wonder do some things bother me because they truly are strange or is it just me??
Sounds like overkill to me
Sounds like overkill to me but I'm not really knowledgeable in the ways of children. When I met my SD she was 10 and I can't really imagine her behaving that way...hmmmm....
I've known a lot of 10 year
I've known a lot of 10 year olds, and typically at that age they wanting more independence and autonomy. It sounds very bizarre. Is she incredibly insecure?
She is not at all, she is
She is not at all, she is quite boastful she likes to regularly remind everyone that she is the smartest in her class ( I don't know if that is 100% true) and by the way she dresses and is constantly looking in the mirror I don't think she's insecure about her looks. There is just this strange behavior there, she needs to be involved in everything, when company comes over she needs to sit at the table and join in the conversation. She wants to be included and have her say in every decision we make from paint colors to furniture arrangements. If dad is talking to me or trying to show me something she will run over to dad and start looking at whatever he's trying to show me. It's all a little bizarre to me. Then the over affection thing with my daughter. I think she knows I think something of it because every time I look over when there playing I catch her looking at me to see if I'm watching her and she always has this caught in the act look about her. She always looks like she's reaching for her and then just kind of freezes when she sees me. I finally said something yesterday after asking for a third kiss as she was saying goodnight I finally said how many times do you need to say goodnight, of course I get the deer in headlights look I just turned around and I walked away. Like I said SD is not a bad kid, I do feel she is an attention seeker but she doesn't seek negative attention she's an actress she needs to be loved and she wants everyone to know that she's great. Most people think she's fabulous always saying what a great big sister she is as she does the following BD around like white on rice. They always tell me how lucky I am to have such help and all I think is you see this kid a few times a year that's why she doesn't annoy you. Honestly though sometimes I wonder if it were my own child doing this stuff I find so annoying would it bother me then because SO does not seem to notice it one bit. He does say she's annoying on a regular basis to me but that's because she never shuts up.
A lot of times, boastful
A lot of times, boastful behavior can be covering up insecurity....?
It's probably annoying you
It's probably annoying you because she's not yours and I totally understand. I think sm's feel that way over skids intrusion despite whether they are good kids or not. I think your feelings are normal (I'd feel similarly) but you would probably be OK with it and even think it's sweet if SD was yours also. Just try to look on the bright side that she isn't trying to abuse your child. That would be worse.
You're right lemonlimez I
You're right lemonlimez I have been trying to shake it, I guess it's the way she looks at me when I look over that bothers me most like what are you about to do that you're looking at me like that. Perhaps even she knows she's being a bit much. I did tell her when BD was first born I didn't want her kissing her mouth as SD is constantly sick. I still don't want her doing it and I catch her doing it all the time I've said something a few times and just gave up because she keeps doing it anyway. Perhaps she's looking to see if she can sneak a lip kiss when I'm not looking. I guess I've just never seen siblings do this even with large age differences. I sometimes feel like she thinks she's the mom or wants to be as she repeats anything I say to BD in a louder baby voice to get her to look over at her and I mean everything from eat your food to don't climb that it's said again. Then there is one thing I hate the most every time I come home from work if BD got picked up by SO instead of me, when I walk in the door BD always comes running to me when she hears me coming in at the same time you here her start to run SD yells BD's name to try to get her not to come to me and I am not exaggerating it's every time. So it's a combo of all those things with BD that bug me. Of course she has the lay all over daddy thing as well but that doesn't bug me as much I get it he's her dad I never acted that way with mine but from reading posts on here I guess a lot of girls do.
Oh and she does this with the
Oh and she does this with the dog as well, she never payed much mind to him then one day she was in the room when SO was telling someone that out dog liked me best ever since that day she still pays no mind to him unless she sees he's with me or coming toward me then she calls him over and over and if he doesn't go she'll come over and pet him start to walk away and turn around patting her legs and calling him a few more times until I finally say SD I think he's comfy and clearly isn't getting up so just let him be but she sighs audibly and walks away. I know step kids have issues. MIL always treats me like I'm the wicked SM even though I have never yelled at punished or anything of the sort. I take SD shopping, I buy her clothes, magazines, take her to get her nails done, we go to the movies, I cook, clean do her laundry, drive her around, pretend to be interested as she yammers on. I keep all these feelings to myself, I have to SD on occasion when she's really overstepping or butting into me trying to get BD to listen or if I'm dealing with her when she's hurt or pitching a fit and SD is all over us to please stop that I am the parent and I will deal with it. I also know for a fact she tells her grandmother I don't like her and I don't let her near BD ummm right because that's what's happening. MIL thinks SD should be able to do whatever she wants with BD she has let her drag her up a flight of stairs and stay in the house unsupervised with an insecure stair case. She thinks SD should be involved in her daily care like baths and bed time and I think that's all ridiculous. So I'm not liked very much by MIL because she worships the ground SD walks on even though she is a known truth stretcher MIL believes everything! Also MIL pays no attention at all to BD hardly ever sees her!
I guess I'm venting to
I guess I'm venting to much... sometimes it feels good to get it out!
I think even if SD were yours
I think even if SD were yours it would bother you because it bothers BD. if BD is actively trying to get away then it's not ok. At all. If BD says no to a hug or kiss then it's not ok. SD needs to learn some personal space boundaries and that physical affection needs to be desired by Both parties. I'd be putting her in time out myself, but DH and I are big on letting DD express her own affection desires - if she says she doesn't want to give hugs or kisses, she does not have to. Hand holding it not optional in parking lots or streets, etc where it's a safety concern, but otherwise if she says no, she has a right to not be touched just like a grown person.
I know some will disagree, but it does also sound like you've got a bit of a mini wife problem. I wonder if somehow in SD's mind she's "winning" if she can tell herself at the end of the day that she got more hugs and kisses from BD and your DH than you did. Does DH humor her when she's trying to stick her 2 cents in about things like paint colors and furniture arrangements? Is she corrected at all when she's trying to parent your BD?
I know you've come to terms with how she behaves with your husband but I personally think that she needs to be put in her place as a kid and not a parent when it comes to BD. the trying to keep BD from coming to you would piss me right the hell off and tosses the idea of just helpful big sister right out the window for me. I would be telling SD that the parenting is covered, she needs to leave the parenting to the parents and send her to her room if she keeps it up. Of course to me it sounds like SD is trying to make it known to you that she, BD and DH are family and you are not, which with my bio would not fly for me.
Unfortunately SO is extremely
Unfortunately SO is extremely overprotective of SD and I know she's a mini wife I've accepted it and I have told SO he treats her that way as well. Any criticism of SD is not taken well so I pretty much keep my mouth shut unless she's doing something unsafe. I love my SO and he has been very good to me lately we did go through quite a rough spot. It has been good I have told him her behavior is a bit much sometimes and she can be quite annoying and he agreed but only says something to her if she's annoying him and when she's all over BD then he's off the hook I guess lol
Is therapy an option for the
Is therapy an option for the two of you? He has two children and BD shouldn't have to sacrifice her personal space and physical comfort for SD. I might try pointing out to your SO that forced affection with BD being allowed is going to make her think it's ok in other circumstances as well which could land her in hot water at school, etc. if you approach it from the I'm really concerned about SD, I want her to be able to socialize with others/her peers properly maybe that will be successful.
If the soft approach doesn't work then I would personally get pretty bitchy about it and ask him why he's so ok with BD's discomfort and distress. Does he want BD growing up thinking she just has to submit to physical touch from others because They want it because allowing SD to paw her when BD clearly doesn't like it is going to tell her just that.
Time to apply the test of
Time to apply the test of reasonableness and smell test to SD's gushing over kissy interface with her younger sib.
Set boundaries, enforce them. Bring consequences if SD violates them.
Be consistent.
SD is only in our home that
SD is only in our home that started about a year ago. I don't really parent SD because of SO being so ridiculous when it comes to her. So there are many times when I bite my tongue to avoid an argument. SD knows that he is this way as well and fully uses it to her advantage! I'm going to try to use the personal space tactic hopefully it will be a little better. Thank you everyone for the advice!