I agree with wow, I would go right ahead and open an account for your son. I would contribute the same amount! If the remainder is not sufficient to live on then you can suggest that you compromise, drawing equal amounts to redress the balance from both children's accounts?

Maybe you should discuss this with her again and try to put her in your shoes. If you were the one that came into the marriage with a child, would SHE be willing to help support that child while you saved the child support money? So the child YOU had before would have money saved for college, yet the child you share together would have nothing? Sometimes if we reverse the situation it can open our eyes. Maybe she won't see the situation as fair after all.

hmmm, i'm not sure why she feels this is OK. I agree that both children should be saved for equally. But I will say this. Before I married my husband, I had opened and contributed to savings accounts for my children. They each have a whopping 350 bucks in them, LOL. But my mother contributes to them now that i'm only working part time. My stepson has no bank accounts where his dad saves anything for him. I think that's HIS responsibility to do though, not mine. Blending sure makes for some difficult issues, THAT I can say for sure!

Totally not appropriate. What is your wife going to tell your son when he is 18 and expecting the same hand out his sister got, to then be told "well we didn't save anything for you"?

Try spending half of the CS on living expenses for your SD and putting the other half in an account for her. The CS going towards living expenses will free up the same amount of money you are putting in the SD's account...put that money in your son's account.

This is messed up, but seems like something is missing. She didn't give a reason for not wanting to save for the baby, and you just dropped it?

My guess would be that the 8 yr old needs money saved up much sooner than the baby, so perhaps she plans on saving for him when her daughter's account is substantial. But she didn't say that apparently, so...

I would have a huge problem with this! You are taking care of and absorbing the daily costs of the skid, not to mention the emotional costs involved and the inconveniences that blended families are forced to deal with while NCPs don't.

Everyone seems to disagree with me on this, but I personally don't believe ANY child (step or bio) is entitled to a savings account to make their lives easier with they turn 18. I'm one of the FEW who doesn't believe it's the parents' responsibility or burden to save for a child's college fund. Having said that, I would put the CS money into the shared family account to absorb the costs of daily life. If you both choose to put equal amounts of money into your 2 kids' account, that's a different story.

Why, oh WHY do skids get more benefits than the bios??! It makes no freaking sense to me.

Trust your instinct!

"I feel like there is a large inequality here..."

Sounds like she is favoring her first and oldest...a problem for us second spouses. Don't take a back seat to her first experience.

Seriously, if you don't put your foot down now and prevent the inequity, this skid will continue to be a huge problem in your own family, and will create a wedge with your adult relationship.

OP- do you have access to the savings account for SD?
Maybe she is thinking that she has less time to save for SD due to the age difference.
Did you ask her that? If this is the case, ya'll need to sit down and figure out how much you want each child to have when they turn 18. Then, figure out how much per month you'll have to save to meet that goal. Since SD is 8 the amount for her may be more a month than for the son you have together.

You mentioned that she seems to think that the money you both bring in is not "ours".
This may be the root of the problem. The two of you need to talk about this, if she thinks the money she gets for SD is truly just for SD, then it needs to go to SD's expenses and you need to stop paying for SD. It's not being mean or nasty, but if that's how she feels then she needs to put her money where her mouth is. And if she wants to separate your finances then maybe that's what the two of you need to do.

Really, ya'll are lucky that you can afford to save anything for your kids. Some people can't even afford to do that.

This is just wrong. Either it goes towards bill...OR SD's NEEDS. You should NOT be footing the bill for SD and I am sure that her ex would agree - he is paying for HIS daughter. You should be paying for YOUR son. I can see it going towards household bills and stepdaughter's needs.

Our BM likes to spend her CS money for my not so dh's two girls on her new BABY she has with her new husband...which is complete BULL. He shouldn't be paying for a kid that is not his. That's his own father's responsibility.

You have a mess here. How unfair to YOUR son?

Jaybe you want truth or bull sh**???

Its time for you to do some woman beating IMHO!

I'm a woman but I have an issue with your wife assuming your post is true which I don't question for I feel you are being honest. I think that the first child should have the higher amount due to her age & the income received prior to the other child born later. It should not matter who the daddy is, its that each child receives the very same amount from start to finish. You start when one is born, the second, & so on but you stop by their age of 18-21 the agreed age you & wife have to keep it equal.

Had the both of you discussed that?

I am sorry but I actually agree with the wife for a few reasons:
1. She tod you up front before you married what her plans were going to be and you agreed. Why are you trying to change it now because you have her locked in?
2. How would you feel as the father of her daughter if you were paying child support for your daughter and it was being split between a child that's not even yours?
3. Who brings In more money? Forget that it's our pot. Who actually brings in more because if she does its quite possible that she feels she already is contributing more than her share.
4. I think it's totally fair to save for the kid closer to college and not split between an infant. Do the math with amounts and time and contribute to the son out of your joint money. That child support is her daughter money and not the family money. If you want the mother to pay for her daughter expenses out of it then that's fair but you haven't right to that money.

:?
I am the wife in this situation.
1) why would i not want to save for my biological son? that makes NO sense. I love my children equally as they are both my children. I do want to save for my son, HOWEVER, do not feel right about using Child support money to save for my son. I have NO problem taking money from our income to save for our son.

2) to all of you who think i'm spending CS money on myself or "hiding" it from my dear husband- LOL- first, our finances are combined and my husband has equal access to everything- second- my husband monitors my spending of and gives me hell for ONE shopping trip even if it's for our children's needs- so no need to worry about me living an extravagant lifestyle- trust me, i'm not. I have traditionally always brought in more money to this relationship and am still the higher earner and despite all that have no problem sharing my check with my husband which he does have equal access to.

3) Don't any of you think for a second that i don't treat our son the same way as "my" daughter if that's how you want to look at it.

4) My issue WAS the age difference and i fundamentally do not agree with using child support for another child- that's it.
to the age difference problem- i suggested to my dear husband who posted this: I calculated what we would save for my daughter by saving the child support until she was 18- i then divided that by 18 years and 12 to turn out a monthly amount that would equal the same end result for our son for us to start saving and suggested we start doing that. That way in the end-they have the same amount. My husband didn't agree to this and insisted we use child support money for our son and/or save the exact same amount as the CS for our son now which would have the end result of our son receiving more than my daughter.

this post is just hurtful. I know you all have it tough being step-parents, it's not easy- but sometimes it's not easy being on the other side either. I try to be supportive of my dear husband's feelings and even though it's natural- it is very hurtful to pin children against each other or suggest loving one more than the other.

In addition to above- on the topic of child support:

I know that if i were paying child support- i would be pretty freaking pissed if i knew my money was funding an ex's partner or other child's lifestyle.

That is why i feel it is important to separate out child support money ( i do use this money for my daughter's expenses BTW AND to save for her) - i like to separate it out as proof within my own heart and if it ever were to come in to question that i am truly using that money for my daughters living expenses and benefit and not to fund my own lifestyle or lifestyle of others in my family.

Yes, i DO NOT look at child support money as "joint" family income- I do look at my own check and earnings as joint family income which my husband has all access to.

And yes, we had previously discussed this before marriage and had agreed and now he has changed his mind.

Just had to vent on that issue. thanks.

Thanks for giving your side of the story, feelingfrustrated.
It's interesting that even though you contribute more to the family expenses your husband feels that he is being taken advantage of.

In his OP he claims to "contribute equally to the marriage", but that can't be the case if you make more money than him.

Seems like the easiest way to make this problem go away is to use CS for what's it designed for - Support for your daughter.

How about calculating what it would take per month to save for your daughter to get XXX savings at age 18 or whatever, and then how much a month it would take for the son to get the same amount of savings at the same age?
The amount for daughter would be more a month than for the son, since ya'll are starting later for her.

I noticed there are two conflicting stories here -

Dad says "We then of course, absorb the cost of her (SD) living expenses, activities, needs/wants, etc."

Mom says "i do use this money (CS) for my daughter's expenses BTW AND to save for her"

so which is it?

I mean in these cases we try not to point out who makes the most money if it's joint. However, if she makes ex. $50,000 yr and he makes $35,000 yr yet she is more than willing to share her check. I think its borderline greed of the husband to expect anything more than what she makes. As the daughter gets older maybe 15 and her dad starts to question where her money is going "what is the daughter to say"? Its in an equal pot for everybody in the house.. um I don't think so. I just made this point about my bf and his ex who had a daughter before they married. The $1,300 he pays for one kid is not being spent on him only and I know this because I see it with my own eyes by looking at his clothes shoes and grooming, not to mention his extra curricular activities not being paid for. Would you want to spend your money on another man's child? I have a problem with it.
If you are talking about the cost of food, heat, electricity, rent, etc. and you want to get that petty because if you are already feeding two grown people and a infant (cost to feed babies higher than 8 year old because they need special food). I would say take 1/4 of the child support money and contribute it towards the household and that should take care of all the daughters expenses including clothing etc. because the mother is also obligated to you some of her OWN money to pay for her child. Extra stuff for daughter ie. lap top, extra-curricular activities, expensive items, bike, college savings etc can come out of the child support 3/4 left as needed. ex. Child support $600 25% to house $150 dad portion and the remaining mom portion. the rest mom keep for kid whenever she needs something.

To Amber3902- thanks for your input.
I think our real issue lies in our different understanding of what child support is meant for- not our best wishes for our children.

I do use the child support for my daughter's expenses and expenses i have incurred due solely to helping her. I have not even been in a place to start saving the child support money for her until august of this year. Now- since august this year, i have been saving some of the cs for her and using some of it for her expenses.

This is because i do not believe Child support is intended to relieve the person receiving it of responsibility for the child.
I have a duty of supporting the child just like my ex- his "child support" is his contribution to her expenses bc i have more of the burden than he does in paying those expenses, but that does not mean that I now have to pay nothing to take care of my daughter. I still have my portion of her expenses to contribute. Any surplus in my opinion should be savings for her benefit.

I still think it is best to separate child support money from "joint family income". If i need to show my DH more specifically how the cs contributes to my daughter's daily life maybe that will help him feel less taken advantage of.

I am just in awe that BOTH of you guys are on here! Holy crap what a shit storm if my DH decided to post his story here! I'm going to agree with keeping the CS separate. That money is being paid by the biological dad for his share of his daughters expenses. We ALL know that the real cost of supporting a child is never really able to be determined. One will always spend more than the other. If the OP in this scenario insists on putting away the same amount of $$ for his son, than he should go ahead and do it. At the end of the day the son will end up with MORE than the SD because SD is older and DW just started saving for her.
Good luck to you both. Don't let money issues divide your hearts and home.

Jaybe – “For it to be "equal", I do not believe we can make assumptions about future earning ability. Both children should get the same amount saved for them per month, leading up to an equal amount for each.”

This has nothing to do with future earning ability.
Your SD is 8. Which means you only have TEN years to save for her.
You have almost EIGHTEEN to save for son.

You say you want the SAME amount saved for each kid which means
SD - Ten years of saving at say for example 1K a year = $10,000 total
Son – 18 years of savings at the same amount of 1K a year = $18,000 total
Get it?
Son would get $8,000 more than SD does. That is what your wife is trying to get you to understand.

Feelingfrustrated, yes, I think if you can show your DH the exact figures maybe he’ll feel less taken advantage of.

My original suggestion was to decide on a number ya'll want to meet for both kids when they hit 18. Then, figure out how much per month you will have to save to meet that goal. Since SD is 8 the amount for her will be more a month than for the son you have together, because you’re starting later for her.

I also like mykaye’s suggestion of putting maybe ¼ or half of SD's CS towards the household expenses like food and utilities, and then extra stuff for SD such as extra-curricular and savings comes out of the rest of the CS.

I hope the two of you can work this out, but you may have to go to financial counselor to hash out the exact numbers.

The incomes are the same so the absorption of household costs are moot really as they are shared equally.

I am on the fence about this. I kind of agree with the wife, but I can see the man's side too. Can you offer to invest half of the amount of child support for the baby? Does your state offer a prepayment of tuition? We prepaid my youngest son's college already thru our state program. I certainly hope your wife is investing child support this money in something with growth potential. Putting it in a money market or savings account is fruitless in this economy.

My son's standard of living is totally different from my two stepsons' SOL at the same age as my husband's income has increased significantly over the past ten years. So my son will be better off (live in a nicer home, better vacations, more material things, etc) than my two SS's were at this age not sure how we can equalize that at this point.

It is wrong. That support is not for the sole and exlusive use of the Skid, it is to HELP pay the expenses of raising that kid.

I have been dad to my son (SS-20) since he was 15mos old. I have raised him as my own. The CS, a pittance though it was, we received from the SpermIdiot went in to the same accounts that my pay and my wife's pay went in to and was used to pay bills.

The Skid lives with you and consumes space, heat, air conditioning, power, rides in your vehicles and eats food in your home so the CS should go to offset SOME of those costs. IMHO of course.

The danger of what your DW is doing is that the SpermIdiot will likely get the credit for the savings account that your DW has set up on the side. I would not tolerate the continued existence of that account were I you.

If DW continues this crap I would immediately open an account in your name for your son and contribute 2X the amount DW receives in CS from her X and when the bills get tight tell her that CS is for helping pay the costs of raising your SD. If she wants to continue to separate the finances two can play that game.

I am not a proponent of speparate finances. In our marriage it all goes in to the pot and is spent, saved, etc... against the demands and financial needs of the family. Separating finances is just a crack in the relationship that can grow to be a major, major issue IMHO.

So, again, if DW wants to separate finances then separate finances. You pay for the costs associated with YOUR bills and half the costs of the bills associated with your son. Then let DW see how she likes having to pay her own costs, the costs of her daughter and half of the costs of your joint child. That ought to get the message across loud and clear.

House payment/4 x 1.5 = your share. The rest is DW's responsibility. The same for utilities, taxes, food, etc, etc, etc..

At the very least it should be an interesting excersize in logic and behavior.

Good luck.

On the CS and the lifestyle of the CP/X issue. CS is just money that goes in to the receiving household just like any other income. If that CP is an independent earner and does nto need the money it makes no difference. The NCP is responsible for half of the costs of raising their child even if the CP is more than capable of financially supporting the kid without the NCP paying CS.

Now, if the CP is otherwise a deadbeat worthless POS and is living like a king/queen on CS while depriving the kid, that is wrong and the CP should be smacked for it. Otherwise, the NCP should have no say in how CS is spent.

All IMHO of course.

My story is a little different, I don't receive child support from an Ex, I receive social security death benefits for my children.

Background:
Each of them has an account the monthly amount is deposited into every month. My now-DH does not have access to either of those accounts, they are in my/my childrens names only.

I work, and make very good money. Enough that even without DH, my children and I could live comfortably with very little, if any, coming out of their social security.

In my current marriage, my DH pays over $1000/month in child support.

I do NOT use my children's entire social security check(s) to fund this household. I use some, and also use it when they have things like extracurriculars, braces, school trips, etc. But the majority of the money is saved for them because once they turn 18, it stops and my kids will not have the "luxury" (as some kids do now) of having at least TWO parents to help them out if needed in college.

I know this bothered my DH for a very long time... he thought that the amount of $ I get for my children should become household money. I was adamant that I wouldn't do it. Interestingly, my children's combined SS money is more than what my DH brings home on a monthly basis after his child support comes out.

I don't know if he still harbors resentment about that, frankly I don't care. He knows I use the SS money for a lot of things for my kids so that he is not bearing the brunt of supporting them also (although he wouldn't because my monthly income is 2x his).

Besides, if he does "extras" for HIS kids, where does THAT money come from? "OUR" joint account. And believe me, if I didn't keep tight reins on it sometimes, he'd spend every last penny we had on them.

I understand the dad's concern about saving money for their youngest. I can also see the mom's mathematical side of it. Can't they just decide they will start saving money for the youngest now, even if it's only $50/month? At least it's SOMETHING.

And to the MOM: obviously your DH truly believes you do not use any of the CS money on expenses, and that you just sock it away. Maybe in order to keep the peace a little bit you need to SHOW him that you use some of it for her extracurriculars, clothing, etc.

IMHO.

Like monkey said ya’ll should be thankful you’re able to save ANYTHING at all for your kids. I’m still paying for my divorce and my savings are for emergencies, I’m not able to put anything away for my kids.

After I pay off my bills anything else I’m able to save will be for my retirement, my kids are going to have to rely on scholarships and student loans to get through college. That's the advice most financial experts give - to save for your own retirement first, and let the kids rely on scholarships, financial aid, working and student loans. They'll still be young enough to work if need be.

Jaybe – it does seem like you’re too obsessed with the “what ifs”.
A person’s earning potential INCREASES with age, it usually doesn’t go down unless you lose your job, and like Giving Tree said, if you lose your job or something like that, it affects the entire family, not just your son. If you lose your job, you adjust everything, including what amount goes towards BOTH kid's savings.

It does seem that DH thinks that Mom is socking away ALL of the CS for SD’s savings.
Mom needs to show DH the numbers.

She needs to show that she put only a portion of CS in savings, and X amount goes towards SD's gymnastics, clothes, etc. That way DH doesn’t feel that CS is merely being socked away and not going towards SD’s every day expenses.

Thanks everyone for your input- i'm not sure about my husband, but this was helpful to me once we got both sides of the story.

Rags- your initial post was really helpful to see my husbands side more (your second revenge post was not that helpful- lol)
And Giving tree- I really appreciate what you said about step parents looking for things to prove they are second even when they are not- i do think this is true.

I guess we just need to digest all of this and find a way to compromise that we can both live with. But RAGS is right, that the amount of CS received if joined with our income would only be less than 7% of the total monthly income, so when you look at it that way- how can 7% fund a lifestyle.
It is hard to know the right choice sometimes, but in the end- i do not want CS to become another way my ex still wedges himself in my life and my relationship with my husband.

Thanks again.