this might sound funny, but your user name... Hon you should be a cold stone bitch

Let me help you getting there......

1st off you never should've married him with all that debt, you could've said, pay off the debt and we can get married.
Now it's to late for it.

Separating finances is fine but you are doing it all wrong, all house hold expenses is divided between you and DH, 50/50 you do not contribute anything more .... keep your own credit cards and your own account, also own phone plan and you only pay for that.

Force DH to start up with a retirement plan now, he can start contributing towards it 400 per month, after that and paying his 50% of house hold expenses he can do what ever he wants with his money, if he does not have money to go on holiday... then he stays at home... it's that easy...

See I am with a debt ridden guy as well, but I bought 50% of his house to get him out of debt.... and it was a good investment... the house not the guy, jury is still out on that

I agree with you that his lack of retirement will be your problem. Who does he think will be paying the bills once he can't work? Does he plan on working until he dies?

Maybe you can get him to sit down with a financial advisor. An outside prospective may get it through is thick head that he can't keep on spending money he doesn't have.

Honey, you're 22 years younger than him. YOU are his retirement plan. He has 7 years left of work. You have 29. Deal with it now before it's too late (although, I think it already is).

Oh dear, I have been there, done that, have the divorce to prove it.

My now exDH was similar. Made a great living, but had more debt than income and no assets other than part ownership of a business which was not enough to make his net worth positive. He lost all his assets in his prior divorce and paid HUGE alimony.

He was supporting two grown daughters- paying for college, paying loans for their college, giving them spending money, paying for their cars, housing, etc.

I tried to reason with him- all the same arguments you have. How are you going to retire? What happens if you get sick (you cannot prenup away medical bills for a spouse)- you could bankrupt me, etc, etc.

We had a prenup and seperate finances.

We are now divorced because he not only kept funnelling money to his daughters but he lied about it to me. I am afraid your DH will do the same. If you try to put your foot down, he will just lie to you/hide the money he is giving to his daughter.

Honestly, if I was you (and I was), I would divorce him. You can still live together but end the financial ties with a divorce. Men like these do not change.

Your dh sure made out marrying someone 22 years younger than him.

You need to tell him immediately that you can no longer indirectly support a grown child with a degree. Have him read the book by Dave Ramsey "Total Money Makeover". If he balks, you will know what your purpose in his life has been. What kind of life is this for you?

Some parents support their kids through their undergrads but I have only heard of one family paying for their child's masters degree.

There are people who truly have no sense when it comes to money. There are those who use someone else who does have money. Is your DH in option #2? And if he is option #1, he needs to be open to making improvements to his own situation since it comes with a cost to his wife. If that's not important to him, then I sure wouldn't stay in this situation.

What a sweet deal for him. Lovely young woman to snuggle on and show off, also very accomplished so she can support him and his parasite.

Now, for you, you get a man who will be old and dependent while you are in your prime.

Hmmmmm....what's wrong with this picture?

I don't always think an age difference is terrible, although it would never appeal to me, but in this case you are carrying a massive load on your back and he is reaping all the benefits.

When you took the pre Sat, did you think, gosh, I so hope I do well in this field so one day I can support a woman is my age now? Did you? Didn't think so.

Look the facts cold in the face. Marriage is to create something bigger than yourself, not to drag you down.

If you had a client who was in your situation and wanted to protect themselves financially how would you advise?

Sally37, if your husband died unexpectedly wouldn't you be saddled with his debt? That's what the marriage certificate is, a financial document.

I'd really rethink this relationship if I were you. And to be upfront with you, I think he is using you.

I supported my first husband through college. The plan was for me to finish my degree once he got his. He divorced me within months of getting his degree. So, I know what being used feels like. My ex doesn't see it that way though. He said we grew apart. Ha!

Sally,
You may love him dearly, but you are kidding yourself. You say "if we take out the financial issues then things are fine". That's the key to this. Your head is in the sand. This situation has huge potential for resentment for you.

You may feel young and energetic now. But look at the calculations. How much could you save each year if on your own or with an equal partner? How much do you save while supporting this guy? Then think: will I want to be busting my arse working full time when the 68 yr old is sitting around the house, retired, depressed and wanting pocket money? Or when YOU are 56 and he wil be 78 and you are paying for his health costs!AND likely still working full time? Do not underestimate your own needs especially those last ten years when you wish to hell you could retire if it weren't for the parasite.

I am your husband's age and my partner is the same. I told him from the start (about five years ago) that he'd better clean up his disney-dadddy-warbucks attitude about supporting his kids...all three of them 22+ years old. I have refused to marry him until he can show me proof that his assets are at least equal to mine. That will necessitate him working full time for at least the next ten years, and he will. If he wants me around. In the meantime, NO mingling of assets.

Meanwhile, there is no frigging way I will be sacrificing my holidays abroad just because my partner wasted his savings on fancy degrees for the kids. He spent £90,000 on his son's tuition, then FORGaVE the loan. Talk about buying your popularity! I go alone on my trips and always have a plan B in case he decides to take the poverty route.

I think him handing out $400 a month to the SD is atrocious. But it's worse that he has no savings.

Sally, you've presented your case to the jury. It's unanimous. Not one single vote for you sucking it up any longer. There is also a strong majority opinion you should re-think the entire relationship.

His stated philosophy is love is expressed through financial support. What does that say about how he feels about you? I'm sorry, I know that sounds hurtful, but you are living it and it IS hurtful.

Wholeheartedly agree with SMForever, that this is about MUCH MORE than the actual money.

Your DH has made it clear that buying his daughter's affection (which is a life-long endeavor) is his priority. He is willing to do that at his own expense and at your expense.

Bottom line: Your DH equates his love with money. In his case, he will give all his "love" to his daughter. Alternatively, your "love" is to be given to him. What an inequality that equation is!

This dynamic will never change. No matter what happens in SD's future, your DH will open up his wallet and do whatever he can whenever she asks for it. This can go on and on, to include her possible children - your DH will undoubtedly open up his financial veins to let them all drain him.

Here are the fundamental questions you have to deal with: Are you willing to live the rest of your life knowing you are second place to his daughter? And are you willing to foot the bill and remain in the backseat with SD sitting up front?

If the answer to either is no, then you are intelligent and educated enough to know what you must do.

My DH just about bankrupted himself over paying, and paying, and paying for SS college, including parent loans (he's still paying those). SS never finished school. DH eventually cut off the ATM at my insistence. Loud, frustrated, tearful insistence. It was awful. And must have been awful for DH, too, as love = money for SS.

SS finally got with the adult program and is now working. Occasionally needs a financial hand, and as long as he's taking care of himself and being a responsible adult, I don't mind helping in some reasonable way.

That your SD hasn't worked in a YEAR is horrible. Depending on Mommy and Daddy is crippling her. Evidently her parents want to keep her dependent on them, and that is doing her no favors. She needs her own successes, and her own failures, not co-dependent parents.

Has she even applied to and been accepted at the graduate school of her choice? And does the grad school have financial assistance available?

I don't see why the ex-wife has to be involved in the discussion--your DH just needs to tell SD directly there is no money coming from him. Start treating her like an adult. And you know what successful adults do? They take care of themselves. They have jobs.

I had a similar situation when my DH and I got married. I supported him so he could send SD to an expensive four year college. She was too 'special' to attend the local community college for the prerequisites. He also placed hundreds of dollars in her checking account every month. I paid for health insurance for both of them.

One day I got to the same point you are now and told DH he was going to have to pay half of the expenses. He became irate. I held my ground and told him if he could not pay for his share of the household expenses he would have to leave. He thought it over and found out it was cheaper to pay his 1/2. He continued to supplement SDs income even when she was earning more then he was - for years. He did not save up for retirement until a few years before he was to retire.

Today he is retired. He gets social security only. We live simply but if there was a 'disaster' such as a health issue or a need for a new vehicle he would be hard pressed to find the funds on his own.

I am relating my 'tale' to you but have to tell you my DH did not come into the marriage with debt nor was he 22 years older than me. So you can see that you are risking a lot more of your future than I ever did - or would be willing to do. Many of the posters have suggested a post-nup. I agree totally. If you want to remain married this man please protect yourself financially - and do it as soon as you can.

I'm going thru something like that. My SS talked us into sending him to an expensive college and even signed a paper that he would pay us back the difference between what the local university would cost and what this other out of State college was going to cost. So thinking that we were helping to give him a better opportunity, we sent him. He did not work during his summers and very little during the school year so besides tuition we were paying all of his other expenses. He graduated last May and was unemployed until this February. The whole time he was unemployed I kept telling him to get a job at Starbucks or something while he searched for the "perfect" job. My husband kept insisting we send him money, saying that SS would pay us back. We were also paying his cell phone bill along with the latest Sam Sung phone that we financed because he said he was going to work right after graduation. I was tempted to cut the phone a few times but my husband kept telling me he needs the phone so he can get a job. Well he finally found a job that he was willing to take and he is making more than my husband and I combined. We were still sending him money during the month he started because he said his check was delayed. We asked him to start paying his phone bill and he told his sister that we are being unreasonable. As for the loan, he thinks is because of me he has to pay it back. I want to shove that piece of paper he signed into his face. All I can say is that i'm thankful he finally got a job because if this kept up much longer it wouldn't have been pretty.

One thing I am so thankful of is that our financial planner told not to use our retirement funds to pay for his education, that is for our future when we get older, while SS has his whole life ahead of him to work. That is something your husband needs to realize. You need to take care of your own retirement and take care of yourself. I've don't have my own children and even if they were willing (highly doubtful), I do not want my step kids taking care of me. I realized that early on and although we combine our paychecks I maxed out my 401k and IRA's every year, plus put money from my paycheck into a separate account.

As far as paying for grad school, I would put my foot down. Both of our kids understood that if they wanted to go grad school they were on their own. Grad school is set up for people working full time, plus there are lots of grants and financial aid available.

One of my BFFs has been married for 30 years to a man 20 years her senior. While they've had a great life and raised two wonderful children she is now 65 and he's 85. He can't travel or even walk up 2-3 steps. It really restricts her during what should be her prime years of retirement and travel.

But I will give him credit - he worked until a year ago when he was forced to retire.

Well, good news that he has said he won't fund the masters degree (make sure that he does this and doesn't do something sneaky like consigning a loan or a second mortgage). But what about the $400 a month she receives for doing nothing. In the future, who will pay for the Barbie dream car, the Barbie dream wedding, the Barbie dream house, the Barbie dream clothes, the Barbie dream vacations and so on and so on? Both your DH and SD live in a fantasy world, where if you want something, you should have it. And they are attempting to dupe you into this world, by equating love with money (specifically your money). You need to stop this fantasy money train now, because the demands are only going to get greater with time.

I have to chime in here, because I definitely have the same fears and some of the same factors. My husband is older than me (close to a decade older), and I can see him funding SD's education, even though he has a massive Line of Credit and credit card debts. I also know the law and how it applies to me where I live, but the problem is you can't predict whether he will mortgage the house up the wazoo, or take on even more debt such that you will lose money in the future. Even if you separate your finances, you can't protect yourself from what he signs himself up for, and you are 50% responsible for as a result of marriage.

I think 3 years married, you still have time to fix things. Get a post-nup, or separate if he won't say no. You will pay for it, one way or another otherwise. Whether it is in taking care of him in the future, or dividing the debts upon separation, you will pay. He has to draw a line and cut the cord, force her to launch and be self sufficient. He is coddling her. If he doesn't stop, you will ultimately be the one paying for it, in lack of travel, lifestyle, or by supporting your husband when his social security isn't enough to pay the bills.

You have it right with one glaring gap IMHO.... cut him and his daughter off. Pay only your half of the bills... no more $1000/mo for the other common expenses..... until he pulls his head out, launches his spawn, and starts responsibly preparing for his future. He is 58... he does not have much time and it is not your responsibility to support him in his dotage.

My wife is 12ys the younger in our marriage, we are both graduate degreed professionals, and we have diligently maximized our retirement investments over the course of our nearly 23 year marriage. She is 41 and I am 53. I expect to work another 10-15 years barring any notable financial wind fall that lets me accelerate my retirement. My intent is to have the resources in place for my bride to retire with me if she chooses to. She may not want to retire in her mid 50s but I for sure have no intent to work past my mid 60s.

Your DH is not your equity life partner. If he were he would be effectively participating in securing his retirement income. He likely is a leech on your life experience unless he makes some major aggressive changes. Keep that in mind.

Take care of you. He likely won't.

Sally37, you poor thing. This is just wrong!  Time to sit your husband down and draw some firm boundaries or else.   SD has done nothing with the BA degree she obtained, choosing to sit home and do nothing. DH should tell his DD no more support, and if she wants to go for a MA, then she can work her way through it using her own means, such as a job or student loans.  It it totally unfair to you and your guys’ future to have this burden placed on your marriage when his finances are so terrible.  When  DH says “don’t worry about my future, I have no expectations of you,” you need to remind him that as his wife, YOU are his future, and each and every choice and decision you each make affects the other.  Show him these posts if necessary.  If he refuses to relent in supporting his DD who is a grown woman, you then have to make a choice to either suck it up and accept you are gonna bare the financial burden of being the primary financial support in your marriage now and in the future, or cut your losses and leave the marriage to free yourself of that burden.  And stop the $1000 a month allowance you give your husband because it’s just enabling him to do the very thing your wanting him to stop.  

Good luck to you, and I wish you the best hon!