new partner
i need some advice
i am a widow with 2 children at home, daughter of 18 and a boy of 12. my husband pased away over 3 years ago after a 6 year illness.
i met my new partner nearly 2 years ago, 18 months ago he moved 200 miles to be with us, he ha no children of his own and also has mild alsbergs syndrome.
At first we had a few isues with my daughter but that is to be expected after what she had been threw {loosing her dad} she spends 90% of her time in her room like most teenagers i admit she dont speak alot to my partner but she dont speak alot to me ether {another typical teenage thing} but when she does she is fine with him
my partner thinks this is personal to him, iv tried to tell him its not.
he has said some very naty things to me about her in the past, i know it wa only out of frustration and he does not mean them but she has heard what he has said yet she never once said anything bad about him to me
i admit she does not do alot of thing around the house but i work nights on a rota and my partner work days/nights, she does all my childcare for my son who is 12 and alo watches him if we want to go out, if it was not for her i would not be able to work
she does not drink, smoke or do drugs and has a long term bf she is alo at collage
my 12 year old son love him, the problem is we have diferent view on disapline, i admit i am soft but not on the thing that realy matter but my partner is way to hard on him
alot of things have changed for the beter since he moved in ie bedtimes and chores but he is 12 and sometimes he has to be remined to do them my partner thinks he should do them without question or be punisher way to hard in my opinion
i feel he is to hard on him for the smalest things, ie i have always left the bathroom light on overnight incase they need to get up for bathroom ect during the night my partner thinks this is wrong so now the light is of but if my son is up during the night and leaves the light on then he should me grouned for a week no playstation ect and if i dont agree with him then he thinks im not taking his opinion into account and there is an argument
over the last few month my partner has began to withdraw from my son more and more for exapmile if im working night and my partner is of work he does not put my son to bed or get him up for school my daughter does it now, he feel that i dont take into account his opinion and will over rule him as regards to punihments,he also says he does not feel part of this family becaue of my daughter and also because i dont agree with his opinion on punihment, this i now afecting my son as they were so close. Because of my partners alsbergs he thinks things should be done a certin way and finds it hard to see things from others point of view, a few days ago he move out because it was efecting him so much we both dont want this relationship to end so would be graitfull for some advice
i feel like im stuck in the
i feel like im stuck in the middle sometime, we both pay the bills and have jut moved to a new house
because of his mild albergers he find it very hard to see things from other point of view, he think thing should be done a cetian way and cant derstand why other dont he has tried very hard but over the last few months it ha been affecting him more and more
Elsberg Syndrome or Aspergers
Elsberg Syndrome or Aspergers Syndrome? I'm not understanding what condition your new partner has.
HSV or autism?
apergers syndrome sorry about
apergers syndrome sorry about the spelling
they have boundries and they
they have boundries and they have turned out good kid, my oldest who does not live with us has worked since she left chool and has a very good job, my other daughter does not drink, smoke or do drugs and is at collage and my son is a good kid
they are good kids but not
they are good kids but not perfict, they backchat moan and try to get away with as much as they can like most kids lol
i think my partner thought he would move up and everything would be perfict but life with kids is never perfict
iv told him thing could be alot worse epesualy with my daughter,{your not my dad ect}
with his alsbergers he thinks things should be done a certain way and finds it very hard when that does not happen, he feel they have no respect for him and his opinion does not mean anything if i disagree with him over the kids
there i a diference between respect and him desiding the rules
right or wrong i raised my kids a certian way and i feel they have turned out good kids but sometimes i feel he thinks the way i raised them was wrong
for the last 2 years he has
for the last 2 years he has learned to cope but the last few months it has began to efect him badly and a few days ago he had to leave for his own mental health
we both want this relationship to work
that is part of the problem
that is part of the problem to he moved 200 miles from his home to be with me so does not have a suport system to go to when he needs time away from home
he does need time away from
he does need time away from the kids and even me but he hasnt got that at home that is why he has had to move out
Is this even real?? It was
Is this even real?? It was posted from the mans perspective earlier today
yes this is real, we both
yes this is real, we both posted on this for advice
Good for you, that's great to
Good for you, that's great to see.
my partner is on a few forums
my partner is on a few forums so i sugested he look on one about step parenting and found this one
we both need advice and to see other peoples point of veiw
Okay, just really seemed
Okay, just really seemed weird
http://www.steptalk.org/node/
http://www.steptalk.org/node/69098
Exactly. I'm confused. The
Exactly. I'm confused. The spelling is atrocious and has changed several times. I'm not sure what's really going on here.
aspergers sorry about the
aspergers sorry about the spelling
I've got Aspergers in the
I've got Aspergers in the family so have some understanding of this.
First you need to sort out your own parenting arrangements. I would say that with a partnership starting this late into your children's lives, you should not be allowing a partner to have any say in how they are parenting. If you do, you will have a clash and you most certainly will have a clash if the partner is an Aspie.
So, if you agree with me that you are the sole parent here, you need to draw up some clear lines for your partner.
I would say telephone the helpline your national or state Autism charity, such as http://www.autism-society.org/, and have a chat with them about how best to draw them for him.
Without that full advice though, how I would approach it with my partner would be as follows.
Our partnership does not mean you becoming a parent to my kids.
My kids live at home and will do so until x date, unless something happens to stop that.
So, they will be leaving in x years.
Till then, you are sharing in our household but you are not parenting them.
You do not need to do anything to look after them. You do not need to discipline them. You do not need to worry about them at all.
I have rules for their behaviour and rules for our home that I have always had, from before you were around.
I am not going to change those rules unless I want to.
Just because I am sticking with my previous rules for them does not mean I don't love you.
Those rules are only going to be important for a few more years. After that we can forget them.
The 2 things you keep needing to underline to an Aspie are, (1) these are the rules. (2) don't worry.
my partner want to be
my partner want to be involved in there upbringing he has always wanted a family but i dont know if he can actualy handle family life
iv began to think to myelf
iv began to think to myelf are my kids a bad a my partner thinks? i the way iv desided to rase my kid so wrong?
my kids love me very much, my
my kids love me very much, my daughter does not have to do all the childminding for me its not her responsablilty i work 3 12 hour nightshifts a week and the weekends im not working unless she is at her bf myself and my partner can come and go a we please as she will watch my son
my son is starting to become what i call kevein the teenager syndrome lol but is a good kid and loves my partner very much
with my partner withdrawing from him over the last few months i have seen how that has efected my son, he used to love the atention my partner showed him
I responded to your partner
I responded to your partner earlier. From what he has said as well as what you have said, even though your kids are "good kids," you are being too soft with them. He said it, and you admit it. The problem is that you probably think you are a little soft, while mrpanda thinks you are WAY too soft. You need to meet in the middle and chat about exact expectations for the kids. Then, chat with the kids.
I know it is REALLY hard to be a single mom and be consistent with the kids. It is even harder having someone else in the mix who feels things should be done differently. But if everyone can agree on expectations, everyone has a common goal to work toward. So if you are at work, mrpanda and your daughter can both act/react to your son appropriately according to the expectations agreed upon. And the same goes for your daughter. But once you agree on the expectations and how they will be enforced, you have to stick to your guns. Allow your partner to hold you accountable if necessary, and to support you in helping your kids meet the expectations. Hopefully this makes sense.
I am a single mom of two children...with them all.day.long. My bf is here a lot, but we do not live together. So I know it's hard. If everyone can learn to see each other's perspectives, life is much easier!
i admit i am soft on my kids
i admit i am soft on my kids but not with the major things but my partner is way to hard on them
It must be extremely
It must be extremely difficult on your children to have to live with your partner given his aspergers. It is one thing for you to want to do it, you are in love with him, you want to support him, you want to be there for him. They on the other hand have just had their world turned upside down by him. Now he is starting to get you to question your parenting and the behaviour of your kids, you are starting to wonder if your kids are bad kids. This is not right. Get some professional help, get some understanding of his condition and of the impact of it on your kids.
Poodle seems to have a good knowledge of it, I would at the very least take her advice. This is not all about you and your partner here, you have your kids to think about and it must be very difficult for them to not only have to live with this upheavel in their lives but to watch what is going on between the two of you.
By the way, his ideas of punishment seem way over the top. These are your kids, you do the parenting, your cannot allow your partner to mentally wear these kids down.
I think your partner has a
I think your partner has a Thread here under Mr. Panda just a few Threads below this one in the menu.
She knows, they have both
She knows, they have both posted their own versions.